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You've had quite the journey so far, NP5. I love your update today. Thanks so much for posting. +

You're coming from a place of strength now and I love that.

I am so happy for you that you found your strength and are now showing and using it.

Thanks you all.

It's been a long, long road. But it hasn't been lonely because of you.

NP5- has she become that perfect wife? I know she's not perfect, but does she work hard for your marriage.

I have to admit that my husband just keeps on dedicating himself to me and our family and that feels good. I feel that I am getting a better husband than I actually dreamed of. I still would like the nightmare gone, but that isn't possible. So this outcome works for me.

W3IRZ,

8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

I am nowhere near this. Nowhere. I still have nightmares. I still wake up at 3 am. I still have fits of rage (kept to myself). I still am furious at her actions and her past abusiveness.

She is not the perfect wife.

But I do feel she is safe now. I do feel she is very regretful, a little remorseful, and very contrite. She doesn't understand why it hurts so much. To be honest, I don't fully understand it either.

But I will say she is really working on herself. She still blames her health, her stress, the conditions in her life at the time, but she knows it was 100% avoidable and 100% her fault. She blames herself. Just yesterday she told me, "I keep asking myself, 'why I chose this, why I did what I did?'" She keeps looking into the whys of what she did what she did.

I don't need to know why. I never will know or understand. She did those horrible things and they cannot be undone. My children now all know as she confessed to them and apologized to them. She is making deliberate and continuous effort to modify her behavior around them, to remove any abusive words or behavior that so permeated her home life. She is trying to be a new person.

And I like what I see.

I have to admit that my husband just keeps on dedicating himself to me and our family and that feels good. I feel that I am getting a better husband than I actually dreamed of.

That is too strong a statement for Edith and I. We are not there yet. Still have such a long way to go...

And that is why, among other things, you are "Reconciled and completely happy"

I'm sorry NP5- I hope that over time she will become the best she can be for you. I am glad you are in a safer place because the other place is hell.

Np5, your WW's A is very similar to my H's A. Only difference is the duration, my H's EA lasted for five months before they became a PA and the entire A lasted six months before I knew enough to draw a line in the sand.

But the openness, the gaslighting, the manipulation.. Man that resonates with me. It's worse than the A itself. To realize you were right all along.

You have been through so much. Glad to see your wife is finally giving you the respect that you deserve

She is very lucky to have you

NP5,

I am so glad to hear your update. I joined SI a month before you and watched the whole thing unfold while living my parallel hell.

You certainly have come a long way! Confused is right, you were a stubborn guy at times and folks were pretty blunt with you, but we are all so happy you have gotten your marriage out of infidelity and on to the road of recovery! (We are all stubborn in our own ways! )

Best of luck to you and your family moving forward. Peace.

W3IRZ,

I hope that over time she will become the best she can be for you. I am glad you are in a safer place because the other place is hell.

She has become the wife I had always wished she would have been. But, the trauma she has created within me is deep and persistent. To be honest, the change within Edith began, I believe, when I invited her onto SI. I'm not saying at all that was the only thing that brought her to her senses, but it was the start.

She was very abusive. The adultery was the tipping point. The point where she needed to stop and reflect upon herself and her actions. She knew then that her expectations, her assumptions, her perceptions, and her moral compass were not serving her. They had brought her to the point in her life where she was about to be an adulterous, divorced, mother of 5.

Since then she had to tear herself down and build herself back up. She has done, and continues to do, a lot of work on herself, and for that I am thankful. I too am working on myself, but in a different way. It is consuming, painstaking work, that requires one to swallow a lot of pride. Change is hard because it requires one to be honest about ourselves and our past actions.

Tess,

But the openness, the gaslighting, the manipulation.. Man that resonates with me. It's worse than the A itself. To realize you were right all along.

I agree with you. In the beginning, the A was, for me, the most painful thing I have ever known, by far, multiple times worse. But as the shock and humiliation of the A fades, the absolute cruelty of the gaslighting, manipulation, blameshifting, and false reconciliation is truly horrific. Like that scene in "6th Sense" where the mom is poisoning her dying daughter. She saw my agony and still kept ladling me that bleach into my food... It is impossible to wrap my mind around. That's not my Edith that I know or ever knew. Only addiction can explain it. Studying addiction has helped me understand my wife's actions.

WWTL,

Glad to see your wife is finally giving you the respect that you deserve.

My wife was profoundly disrespectful of me BEFORE the affair. I thought to myself, "I know I am a good man, a good father, and a good husband, so these words she screams at me wash over me. They do not apply. Just because she says it doesn't mean I am." I told myself, "Respect is earned, not demanded." and "She will see, in time, that I am deserving and she will give me respect."

But I waited and waited (way to long ) and that day never came. It grew worse and worse until the affair. And then everything changed. My world ended and so did hers. We have been trying to reestablish our places and our boundaries and our values and our lives.

Ginny,

I am so sorry that you found yourself here. I was NOT a stubborn person. I was pretty much a pushover. But to admit to myself who my wife had become and what she had done was nearly impossible for me to do. I thought so highly of her and I had become so contorted with her blameshifting and gaslighting that you all had your work cut out for you! It took me years to untangle it all. I am forever thankful for the piles and piles of 2x4's you all heaped upon me. Denial is a cruel trick you play upon yourself, and I repeatedly did so. I retched on that red pill and I just couldn't keep it down!

But you all kept coming back and you picked it back up and gave it to me again and told me what I needed to hear. Finally, finally, it went down and since then I have been aware and in agony.

But I'm getting better, and my family is slowly healing.

Best of luck to you Ginny! I hope you're doing better too!

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 9:55 AM, April 17th (Monday)]

Thanks, NP5. The road to recovery is long and there are definitely bumps along the way. This weekend, however, was glorious. (A new grandchild can bring about pure joy!) My fwh and I shared a moment this morning reflecting on the weekend spent with family, friends and church. With tears in his eyes he apologized again for what he had done and the life that we share together he almost lost in the carelessness of his affair. It was sweet.

notperfect5-

I have some questions for you:

1. What did Edith do to become a better wife for you? Did she initiate the work herself?

2. Did you guys ever separate?

3. What does she say about herself in the past now?

4. How do you reconcile with her abuse pre A and then the abuse post A? Did you ever fall back into love with her? How long did that take?

5. If you could, would you go back to the A and split with her? Are you happy where you are now?

6. What kind of work have you done on yourself?

7. How long did it take Edith to get her issues post A? To stop being degrading and emotionally abusive? Or was it immediately following D Day?

Your story and WW reflect my H and story but you're farther out. My H was abusive emotionally pre A and open and said many of the same things as your W. "I never thought I'd be with a person who'd make me choose between her and my best friend, and if that's what you want to do then I don't want to be with you" he told me, the month before he first slept with her.

Anyway. Funny you say April 27. That was the day H and I began dating 13 years ago. One more commonality.

[This message edited by tessthemess at 12:58 AM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

NP5, my dear friend, I'm so happy to see you and Edith in a better place. I pray that your major trigger dates come and go without registering for you, as mine did this year. I'm also glad that you've made peace with the fact that you don't have to grant Edith automatic forgiveness. If you get there, great, but if not, that's totally ok. I think you could be a great help to new BSes on the site.

nme1, Thank you for being so supportive for so long. You and others here joined at about the same times.

When Canadian Geese fly south for the winter, they come a very long way. When they fly, they are in a V formation. The lead goose, aerodynamically, has about 30% more wind resistance than the rest, as they travel in it's wake. The other geese honk to cheer on the lead goose because they know it's at point and it's really busting it's ass to make it easier for the rest. As the lead tires, they switch out, and the lead falls back, and another goose takes it's place.

You and others here have been with me on this journey. Damn, it's long and hard. But you've cheered me on and hopefully I've cheered you on. We will make it South where the days are warm and bright!!!

Tess, Great questions. I will answer them when I have time to do them justice, which is not right now. I'll post soon.

Tess,

Please be advised that my wife reads here, so I'm trying to be sensitive if she should read this. Just know that this is my opinion and I am just giving my best guess on this. I don't think she or I really, truly, know how or why she decided to blow up our lives with an affair.

Sorry if this is redundant for others. It is almost the community warning of what NOT to do, so perhaps it will help someone. Edith was almost as bad as you can get as far as a remorseless, cake-eating, wayward wife. She was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive and fully utilized the wayward playbook as she carried on an in-my-face affair. And I let her do it to me because I thought I was saving my family by continually forgiving her and giving her another chance.

1. What did Edith do to become a better wife for you? Did she initiate the work herself?

Well, she is always in the midst of a project, be it having a child, fixing up the house, working on her dental practice, learning to farm, or trying to "fix" an adulterous musician. Right after the affair she dove into fixing herself. By fixing I say doing chelation therapy to remove the extreme, severe level of mercury in her body. That mercury caused a lot of the issues regarding resentment, anger, anxiety, and a host of body issues. It was a result of being a dentist and drilling on mercury fillings for 20 years. She also went to a therapist specializing on DBT therapy which is treating her borderline personality disorder "tendencies" -- I call it that because I don't know for sure she has it, just has the symptoms of it. She is diligently working on herself.

2. Did you guys ever separate?

A couple months ago I had enough. I wanted her out of the house and I wanted to separate from her for a time to work on myself. This involved confessing what she had done to our older children She asked to just move into the basement and I agreed. It was heartwrenching for a while, but I felt it delivered some consequences to her that were long coming and necessary for me to heal. We have since stopped our separation and we are again R.

3. What does she say about herself in the past now?

She looks at what she did and what she did to me with a mixture of horror and guilt. She hates to think of what she did. It was an act of desperation--of escape. She found the attention gave her hope in a time of mid life crisis. She realizes that she needed to resolve so many things that the thought of incorrectly -- FOO issues, dependency issues, and issues about working in a male dominated field. She needed a lot of work on herself that she just could not bring herself to resolve. Then she imploded and destroyed us with the affair. She is rebuilding herself and now she understands so much more about self care and boundaries. She is just mortified that all her self work and self improvement came at the tremendous cost to me. She says she is forever grateful to be given the chance to recover with me.

4. How do you reconcile with her abuse pre A and then the abuse post A?

I do believe the mercury vapors, released with drilling out a filling, slowly but surely made her mad. I also believe she had light borderline personality disorder "traits". The BPD was there all along and the mercury poisoning made is increasingly worse. This goes a long way to describing how a sweet, cute, 5'1 17 year old girl could transform into a raging, cursing, abusive, adulterous creature. The abuse was by far the worst during the affair as she tried to justify her actions upon me. She also became addicted to her lover. As I tore them apart, she blamed me for her pain. Once the affair fog cleared and the chelation therapy was conducted (to remove the mercury), and her DBT therapy is learned, she is no longer abusive. She is very loving, kind and pleasant again. (overall -- she is still human).

Did you ever fall back into love with her? How long did that take?

I never fell out of love with her. However, I respected her and held her on a pedestal before the A. The respect will take a long time to regain, but I do my best to show her respect. You cannot be married or try to R without showing respect and love. I do my best to do so through my pain.

5. If you could, would you go back to the A and split with her? Are you happy where you are now?

I repeatedly caught her in her EA. I believed she would NEVER commit adultery, and I held onto that belief even in the face of stark reality. Again and again I would catch her and she would claim ignorance or gaslight or blameshift. It was a truly horrific mind fuck for me. Each and every time should would take my forgiveness and use it to fuck him some more. Contrary to the advice here, I stuck with her all that time, sleeping with her and trying to R with her so that the children would not be impacted. She used her children to continue the affair and cover up for her affair. She was addicted. If I could go back in time, I would have destroyed the OM's car, violin, and gotten in his face and threatened his life. I probably should have taken my wife's things and packed them up and dropped them all off at her parents house. I should have informed the kids that mom was cheating and would not stop. Then I would have moved into another room and outed her to our friends and family. In short, trying to save the marriage and contain the affair did not work. I needed to blow it up. I would have saved myself about two years of agony (or more).

No I am not happy where I am now. I am furious. I am hurting. I am ashamed and humiliated. But I know the truth now and I know she was in the wrong. I will no longer put up with the pre affair abuse and she knows it and sees now how abusive she was and therefor we have the potential to recover and reconcile. I am doing slowly better.

6. What kind of work have you done on yourself?

I have done many months of IC and EMDR. I have read many books on recovery, abuse, infidelity, boundaries, psychological issues, and trauma. We have done a fair amount of MC, while it didn't help with infidelity much, did help me understand how broken she was and how she was hurting and what I can do to help her. She didn't know, I didn't know. But I think we know better now.

7. How long did it take Edith to get her issues post A to stop being degrading and emotionally abusive? Or was it immediately following D Day?

I caught a very suggestive email in August of 2013. I pressured her to stop the communications through 2014. The affair went physical in 2014 and we started MC in May of 2014. All of 2014 was a false NC and R. She assaulted me twice in 2014 and raged many, many times. In 2015 she started to pull out of the affair and posted on SI. We went to another MC and she conceded to have a polygrapy in May of 2015 which she failed and more TT. Nov 2015 is when she finally, finally, let it all out with the second polygraph. She was horribly abusive throughout the affair and until May of 2015 when she confessed to a PA. November of 2015, after it all came out, and she went to DBT therapy, then she finally stopped the verbal and emotional abuse. She has slipped a little here and there but for the most part all fine after that. She is still learning to recognize and contain her emotions in a good and healthy way.

I would say that the changes took about 12-18 months for the fog to fully clear. But she still is working on herself.

I want to conclude by saying I love my wife and family very, very dearly. She is a generous and giving person and has been taken for granted and advantage of in many ways by me prior to the affair. She is a very loving and kind person and I am so thankful that God has gotten us through to this point. We are really trying and I think we will make it to a full R one day.

Hope this helps, Tess.

NP5

NP5

I find inspiration in the story of you and your Wife. Thanks for sharing.

I was wondering what methods of validation, if any beyond trust in the R process, you both use to ensure this never happens again?

Periodic polygraphs?

Open phone/social media/email accounts?

Gps find friends app?

Thanks and wish you both continued success.

Stevesn,

I was wondering what methods of validation, if any beyond trust in the R process, you both use to ensure this never happens again?

There is no ensuring it never happens again. She has the ability to screw whomever she wants and there is nothing I can do to stop her.

But, it is the source, the "Why" that is at the root of it. I wonder how I can be assured she would never chose this again? How can I rest and trust her if I really don't know the "why". What was it that "allowed" her to chose this? She, aloud, asked herself just this question. She doesn't know the "why" so how can I know the "why" is addressed?

Well she has done and offered this:

1) No more guy friends, ever, except relatives

2) No more secrecy regarding communications -- I get passcodes for everything, forever.

3) No more lies

4) Work to remove resentment and anger and pride

5) Work to be thankful and respectful

6) Remove all traces of abusiveness -- this is a tough one!

7) Forgive my past mistakes -- also a tough one!

But I also have life360 -- not perfect but there is a history function that works well.

I reserve the right to have a polygraph and she agrees.

She was a pretty good liar, but she made mistakes. She knows that any more cheating will be the end of us and I will probably inform the world of her actions.

In another thread I recommended a BW be respectful of her husband. I was resoundingly criticized. Perhaps my delivery was untimely and poor, but I stand by my statement. Husbands need respect like they need air. If there is one fateful choice my wife made that led to an affair, it was her decision to withhold her respect of me. Her displays of disrespect fed upon itself and lead to resentment and anger and, later, contempt. You cannot love someone for whom you have contempt. It also stifled my ability to love her and show love for her.

I could go on and on about that... but I won't.

Suffice to say that if someone holds respect for you and holds in high regard their own Sacred Honor, then the likelihood of an affair is greatly diminished. She now shows me respect and honors me. In turn I find it much easier to show her love and to cherish her.

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 3:04 PM, April 19th (Wednesday)]

Man, np5, you're the poster child for doing the research, learning the landscape, putting together a plan, sticking to your guns and putting in the work! Your story is phenomenal, and you certainly have inspired many people, including me. Reconciliation hero!

Thank you NP5. That's very helpful. My H needs to be busy too but the business still is with home renovations and hobby building. I'm still the one pulling in the majority of the work with the learning about myself.

Your story is the closest I've seen on here to mine, and it fills me with hope for my situation. I regret the desperation and naivety and fear that I had during his open EA. She tried to be my friend and confidant as well... what a mind fuck.