SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, so now you pretty much know they had sex. Probably at least twice. Can you get over that? Can you get over her having sex with another man while you were at work providing for the both of you?

Can you reconcile while they still work together?

You need to think about this long and hard. That's a tough thing to get over.

Well I have found out that on January 2nd and 3rd she and the OM went back to his house while I was still at work. Dday was December 31st. It's pretty obvious what that means. Who's the chump... this guy.

WS was still in the the dreaded fog on dday. You've detached, researched and literally served a huge dose of reality since then too.

All of us in the betrayed category feel like chumps - but it has nothing to do with us, but with whatever issues your WS has. Impossible to not take personal, but it ain't on you or being duped in any way.

Her response now to you exposing it all is the key now to help decide whether there is anything to work with or if it is time to move on.

Nope, she's the chump. Was it worth giving up everything on her end.

You are not a chump. You are a victim of abuse.

Well I have found out that on January 2nd and 3rd she and the OM went back to his house while I was still at work. Dday was December 31st. It's pretty obvious what that means.

How did you learn this? Did she tell you out of remorse? Did she tell you out of fear you would find out? Did you discover it on your own?

Contrary to what Bigger said, I never made reference to

"I hate the scorched-earth, wife-is-an-eternal-slut, no-way-back, make-her-wear-a-burka-and-walk-three-paces-behind-you-for-eternity policy…" that he referenced

This is not what I said and it is not what I meant. I never called her any of that nor did I tell the OP that he should always look down on her.

On the other hand, to clarify, I was applauding the OP for taking decisive steps to get himself out of infidelity.

I was also implying that the OP decided that things were 'over' and in no way shape or form should we as a group change his mind on that.

In the end it is up to him what he decides to do.

I STAND BY MY POINT that it is up to her to do the heavy lifting and yes, while I digress from many on this board who are reconciliation first, I never told the OP that he shouldn't do that. But she borke this and she's not making the effort to reverse it and somehow we here are trying to get him to keep an open mind when the cards read differently. I am encouraging the OP to take aggressive steps to defend himself from the abuse he is receiving at the hands of his WW.

I didn't realize that my post would trigger such a reaction but I stand by what I said OP and I agree that you are doing great

[This message edited by Western at 10:35 AM, January 16th (Monday)]

Western – wasn’t referring to you.

I bet she is feeling like a chump now. What goes around comes around.

So has she started with the usual responses?

Some of the standards:

I always loved you.

I never meant for this to happen.

I was never going to leave you. ( just keep you paying the bills while I screwed another man)

I will do anything to keep the marriage (my standard of living) together.

Stay strong.

She told me that she had sex with him on those days. She also mentioned having oral sex with him in his car during breaks/ after they got off of work. She said the physical aspect started a month ago which does correspond with the text message evidence I had. What a whore she is, everything is starting to come out now only after I initiated divorce.

She is spilling it all it appears then, she has been shocked back to reality.

The question is if you can eventually forgive this, can you make things work with her if she is all in?

That's something only you can decide, though I would not rush into anything at this point, you have time.

No chump. Far from it.

After all – she’s still in contact with him and sharing marital issues with him. You could be considered a chump if you hadn’t acted, but you did. And it’s getting results.

He’s single, right?

I suggest you go back to the post where I encouraged you to tell her to be happy and go live with OM. Heck… I’ll even copy/paste it for you:

I suggest you tell your wife that you don’t want to stand in the way of her happiness. If she’s finally met her soul-mate and if your marriage has been based on false pretenses, then you love her too much to want to prevent her finding happiness. It’s not what you want, you have been in this marriage 100% and would want to make it last forever. But if you aren’t her best friend, lover and soul-mate then it’s better she goes to the man she says is all of that and you move on. At least it opens an opportunity for YOU to eventually find someone that loves you.

Remove all obstacles for her to leave. Suggest that as OM is single she just move to his place now. You two can work out the details of divorce during the next couple of weeks. Should be simple: no kids, both working…

Hand her a phone and tell her to call OM to pick her up. Offer to leave the house for an hour while she they pack her stuff.

I would add that she already knows where he lives so it should be easy for her to go there. Be rather firm, tell her that her actions over the last days clearly show she has no interest in ending the affair:

No NC, still communicating with OM, no plan to leave job, no remorse…

Ask her how she thinks it’s realistic or even beneficial for you two to cohabit while she’s emotionally with OM and if this separation isn’t inevitable since the divorce will go through.

Why will it go through? Because she’s still in infidelity.

Keep in mind your divorce is technically simple. It’s only finances – no kids.

Added this after your last post:

In what context did her confession come? Why is she opening? What does she want?

Sorry man, but it's not a surprise and I hope that you were prepared for this .

The question now is how will you react, and go forward. Take some time to feel the emotions you have , that bell cannot be unrung and for many it would something that they would not want to deal with.

How did she react to being served, I guess not NC?

Did she tell the truth? TT?

Still in the fog, still unsure?

You have a lot to think about and need a cool head to make the best decisions for you,the marriage, and her. Good that there are no kids.

Do you have people you can talk to sis, bro friends?

Hang in there...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:38 PM, January 16th (Monday)]

my apologies to you Bigger. I jumped the gun.

I get it now. Thanks for understanding

Well I have found out that on January 2nd and 3rd she and the OM went back to his house while I was still at work. Dday was December 31st. It's pretty obvious what that means. Who's the chump... this guy.

I'm sorry GTR, but I'm glad that she is finally being honest with you and telling the truth.

If the definition of being a chump.... is being unknowingly betrayed by our partner - well that's all of us here.

I feel your pain GTR.

Stay calm and keep strong.

Hugs, MOB

Manual,

Sorry to hear that your wife did have a PA. She went and had sex with him after you found out could be unforgivable for you. It would for me. My WW confessed her affairs with multiple men, I was hurt badly in pain then the next day she left for a business trip and had skype sex after telling son and I goodnight over the phone. Yup she tells us she misses us and loves us then hangs up and has skype sex with her AP. I really believe that he was there and the skype sex she told me about is a lie to minimize it.

Anyway, I cant unforgive that which was also followed by another 5 months continued cheating.

You are doing great, stay strong, and don't let her hurt you again. I would strongly suggest you make a clean break now while you can, you are young, no kids, don't roll the dice on her, she is NOT a safe partner.

What a whore she is, everything is starting to come out now only after I initiated divorce.

She may or may not be a whore. There is a reason she had the affair and maybe now is the time to find out why, or just continue with the divorce.

She has been insecure about her body, which of course is no reason to have an affair, but low self esteem is one major causes of a wife having an affair.

She told me that she had sex with him on those days. She also mentioned having oral sex with him in his car during breaks/ after they got off of work. She said the physical aspect started a month ago which does correspond with the text message evidence I had. What a whore she is, everything is starting to come out now only after I initiated divorce.

i'm sorry friend. That's horrible news. She goes from starting to plan to have a family with you, to doing this. Basically shitting all over you and you life together with her "soulmate." I don't know what you're planning. But I would find it hard to listen to anything she has to say now. I'd be tempted to say, "fine, you've made your choice, go to your soulmate." And then go completely NC with her. Move on.

I know one thing, in the end you will be fine. Hang in there brother. It's going to be tough for a while.

I'm so sorry that it went that far. I've read thousands of threads here, TAM, and LS. The same thing plays out. When a WW is busted and she defiantly continues to contact OM and tries her best to keep you in the dark but tells you she has not gotten physical, It is almost always a lie.

Today women are being encouraged at all levels of society to be promiscuous like a player type of man but that leaves them feeling empty. The allure is strong even for "good" girls. They're made to feel like they missed out on something. They don't realize how much more their treasured when they've been untouched. With her being a virgin when you had her, I know you treasured her and took great pride within yourself that what you had was special. but she didn't value it. She gave it away to a divorced father of 2.

Your exposure while filing D has knocked her for a loop. She has been temporarily defogged. Now you have to really dig inside yourself to see if you can forgive her. To let go is so hard. Seeing her vulnerable makes you want to hold her and tell her everything will be alright but can it ever be. She went from your diamond virgin to a Cubic Zirconia. From the distance she looks like your former diamond but now that you've shone the light on her actions, you can see she's changed. Now she's just like any other ...

Also:

They may have just recently started having sex but she's been blowing this guy in his car for a while. She exposed you to potential STDs. How many times did she service him and then come home to you like all is ok. Oral in car is always a BJTC.

I think that has been brought up before, but is there any chance she is pregnant by this other guy at this time, which is why she came home asking to start a family right then and there?

Be careful.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Just once I really wish the collective wisdom of SI would be wrong. Just once.

I am so sorry that this was indeed a PA. I am so sorry she did this to you. Please read Bigger's post again and again.

And no. You are most definitely not a chump. I know it feels like you are, but you can hold your head high. You can look in the mirror and see a man of integrity looking right back at you.

Chump? More like CHAMP!