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[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:30 PM, August 22nd (Tuesday)]

Sharkman:

Walloped was married for 25 years and had 4 kids. Had his wife had the affair for 10 years (33% of the marriage) and they had no kids, I would have personally driven to NY or wherever he lives and kicked him in the neck.

Wow just been away for a couple of days and so much to catch up with on this thread. Will only address this one point made by Sharkman at the moment.

My understanding is that the BH and WW have been together for 15 years in total. If they were living together during the 12 years prior to the marriage then that would probably constitute a common law marriage. Not sure if that was the case but in any event they were a couple for much longer than you implied.

However, I do agree that the length and quality of Walloped's marriage, as well as them having 4 children was a major factor in his decision to reconcile.

I for one am pleased about that, as no doubt is Walloped, and his neck...lol

Can we get back on point here? What walloped did or didn't do with his cheating wife who had too much time on her hands as the pampered princess is irrelevant. The issue is what this poor soul should do, given that his now ever so remorseful wife spent a year with at least a once a week bone fest, who now instantaneously upon being caught decided that our friend is the most miraculous guy to come along since Moses.

The poor guy is ambivalent on R, as rightfully so. Meanwhile, the WW, after parroting every cliche known to man has just moved back in. And now he has to face her every day, while om keeps reaching out because she swore up and down she loved him to the end of time. But, not really. Ignore the man behind the curtain. Nothing to see here. Just talk.

So, let's try getting with his story. Not projecting someone else's.

Jello. You are a great guy who has been dealt a bad bad hand. You have a wife who talks a great game. And there are a lot of people with doubts about the foxhole conversion she is spouting about. But you are the man in the arena. Only you can judge what is right for you. We will support you.

While talking about Walloped and trying to steer this back to logistics, it's critical to get your real-life support network going. If Walloped didn't have his brother and few friends that took him away, etc then he would be in a different place today.

Even getting away to your parents place for a week or two might be a good idea.

I'm new on your thread and less than a month from DDay 1 (the "love") girl, and DDay 2 (the depravity). I also have 4 kids 6-14 that factor in to my perspective. I too had a wonderful marriage for 16 years and we were both very happy (well, I was). I have read your wife's thread and commented once to encourage her to keep trying. That's my full disclosure before I post.

First of all, everything you're feeling, doing, and saying resonate 100% and are totally legitimate and you can do whatever you want with it. Nothing I'm about to say changes that or my support of you and how you are processing things.

Second, the 90 day thing seems like a good idea, a really good idea. Finding out about infidelity is huge and I wouldn't make any major life decisions no matter how clear they seem without sitting on them for a bit. It doesn't cost you anything to give yourself, and her, time to process things. Look at how your thinking and communication has changed in a month and let it keep going until you get to your checkpoint.

Third, I disagree that you have to change or abandon things you value or parts of yourself to attempt a reconciliation. This implies a weakness in doing so. It takes incredible strength to consider R after a betrayal like this and a renegotiation of marriage terms. Renegotiation doesn't have to be a bad thing, however, unless you truly want exactly the marriage you had. That's OK too.

Fourth, (and this isn't true for everyone, and that's totally OK) for me, I feel like I can't leave and break the family (remember the kids whose decision I'm making for them) unless all possibilities for a healthy happy unit have been exhausted. This doesn't have to be immediate. But I have to be certain I've done everything I can to help heal this breach. Past the anger and hurt, is there anything you feel you owe yourself to leave without regret? It's easier to get on the D path than off it, I expect.

And finally, my WH is flailing and selling, and trying, and confused and scared and actually doesn't have the answers I need although he is frantic in his attempt to find them. He makes your WW look enlightened (this is not praise, btw). You have it worse than me with TT, I work at a place that does background checks for national security type clearances and when threatened with an investigation, my WH pretty much came clean in a few sessions. You haven't had that which sucks. However, there are facts and details and then there is the emotional side - why? How could you? How can I trust you? How can YOU trust you?

I think BS want/need those answers right away so we can make decisions and start to process. The problem is I don't think the first time WS has ANY freakin' idea!

I am NOT defending it, but neither am I surprised by the luke warm and contradictory emotional explanations you're getting. I don't think she knows, but I do think she's trying very hard to understand and give them to you.

So I will wrap this up by saying BS are owed a tremendous amount of emotional restitution regardless of the outcome. And we will never get enough and we don't have to forgive OR even listen. I just think the WS doesn't have the answers we need and deserve right away and I think the panic they feel right out of the gate makes the whole situation worse.

She's here, she's trying to understand and explain and she's taking what she sees as hits. (I got the "they're kicking me when I'm trying crap last night myself" ). You're here and you're trying to understand and you're actually defending her when you feel something unfair has happened. That's good for your healing process, regardless of the outcome.

Infidelity is really amazingly awful, but you're doing so well. You're thoughtful and responsive and you're listening to advise and making your own decisions. if you can consider the possibility that you can be happy with this woman, then do. If you can't, that's OK, but I'd let it play out a bit.

I think BS want/need those answers right away so we can make decisions and start to process. The problem is I don't think the first time WS has ANY freakin' idea!

Yeah, this. I think I said something similar earlier on in this thread. This is why the usual advice is for a BS to detach while the WS starts to try and sort through their sh*t, because it's NOT our job - you made the mess, you clean it up. And this is also why BS's are often told not to make final D or R decisions right away, either.

I have to admit - with no wish to offend or speak for anyone, mind you - that I'm a little uneasy with this thread, for a few reasons. The calls for D have been so staunch and vocal that I feel it's bordering on goading, or projection, rather than looking specifically at OP's situation and giving advice. I'm not sure what people see in this WW that makes her apparently SO much worse than anyone else's on this site, but I'll leave it there and forego talking about it in detail because that leads me to my other issue, which is that there has been some uncomfortable and (I think) sometimes inappropriate crossover between this thread and hers.

Maybe D is really what LuxJello wants to do, and what will end up happening and it will be the best decision he ever made. Maybe he will decide he wants to attempt R, but that is HIS decision. I think we need to be careful sometimes - there's a fine line between giving solid advice and pushing an agenda. Not trying to be accusatory, again...just saying.

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 10:27 AM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

LJ, the bottom line: You have all the core facts, as well as a ton of advice from seasoned posters.

I agree with Sharkman. Get away for a while and digest. You're too close to the scene of the crime.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:27 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

Yeah to echo what a few of the recent posters have said, I am going to detach for a while-- from WW, from this forum, from a lot of places. I'm going to try talking to my family more and seeing my friend network more often.

I appreciate all the advice I've been given, and I'll run it through my IC before truly instituting anything major, because I also see the bits of projecting that longsadstory1952 and beauchateaux have pointed out. Something about me or my story seems to have resonated with quite a few BS's here. I'm glad all of you are looking out for me, and I love how open and generous you have been with your input. I'm just also finding it all a little overwhelming.

You won't be the first BH to feel the need to step back from the overzealous approach. I hope the space you find brings you clarity LJ. Please update us when you're ready.

Great decision! We will be here for when you need us!

Jello I have to admit I checked your wife's thread . I did not post on it.

Like you, I was my wife's only sex partner before the affair. That she could give away what was so special between us is something that I could not get over.

The other thing that bothered me was that she admits that sex with the OM was more "adventurous" than sex with you. Did she ever come to you before the affair and request that you might try "other things" in the bedroom?

Then she admits that she had no plans to stop the affair until you learned about it. It was her intent to continue to deceive you.

I am floored that she was in the middle of an affair and signed a 30 year mortgage with you - talk about taking you for granted and not having respect for the marriage!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Tim - did you happen to read where Lux and his WW were NOT reading each other's posts - so that each could feel comfortable posting freely?

Sometimes the lack of respect for JFO's new BH's astounds me - not all newbies - but I'm really shocked reading the lack of compassion for Lux in some of these responses.

I couldn't agree more Sassylee. Not to be too dramatic, but we're talking about people's lives here. You would think that before someone posts a comment, he/she would have read the thread. And show some compassion. Let the poster make up their mind about what they want to do.

I agree

If he had read the thread (even the first post) it's clear OP is strongly leaning D. There are ways to be supportive of this tactfully.

This isn't a case where a BS is stuck in an abuse cycle and 2x4s are necessary.

SassyLee

I did not see where they were avoiding each other's posts. I did read where Jello did not want folks beating up his wife on her thread and I have not done so.

She claims that she has told him everything in the smallest detail.

Even Jello has bemoaned the fact that she bought the new home with him while still active in the affair.

I did not think I was telling him something he did not already know.

Won't happen again.

Luxury-

I know you said you were taking a break for a while. Just checking to see if you're still lurking around or have come back, and ask how you're doing? I hope you're starting to feel better and get some clarity.

Luxury-

I know you said you were taking a break for a while. Just checking to see if you're still lurking around or have come back, and ask how you're doing? I hope you're starting to feel better and get some clarity.

Oh. Uhh... Hi. Yeah I'm still alive. I'm ok. As a brief update: I'm much better at focusing and I can sleep again. WW and I had a conversation recently where, after weeks and weeks of me going along with her "let's try to salvage this if we can" plan, I just sighed and said to her, "...It's dead."

Since then, I've been a different person. It's actually quite freeing to be able to say that our marriage is over and not let it weigh me down. ...Of course, she's taken my new, more chipper attitude around her as a sign that maybe all isn't lost yet, but I don't know how to be more clear than telling her, "it's dead."

Hey Jello, making that break though is hard but for me, it sure cleared up a lot of things. Knowing that the fight was over and it was just time to end it was like being in a calm sea after going though a storm of 10 foot waves in a rowboat.

It does get better. You have taken control of yourself and your future. Whatever that is.

The effects of being empowered to make statements like that are incredible. It's the greatest infidelity anti-venom known to man.

With all due respect, my main advice here is to remember that above all no matter what she did to you that you must always treat everyone with great respect. Visit a lawyer and let him or her know that you are looking to begin proceedings. A clean, honest break is the healthiest for both of you.

Be sure to exercise a lot and lean of loved ones for support. We are here for you but I understand why it was important for you to put some space in between yourself and this site.

I would encourage you to reach out to ohforanewme. You two are built out of the same cloth and had similar situations. He's a few months ahead of you and could be a great resource. He has handled his situation perfectly.

It's great to hear that you have come to an island of clarity in this stormy sea.

Things are so very much better once one makes a decision and begins acting on it.

I have a feeling you both are going to be just fine