SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Everyone, I'm glad I saw those messages in time. My heart is no longer racing and I'm more prepared than ever to just let her go. Just wanted you to know I'm feeling stronger.

This I don't understand, you're taking your son to the club where you'll definitely meet OM who will definitely text/call your wife afterwards which instigates more conflict.

Wouldn't it be prudent while you're trying to save your marriage at this critical time to stop going to the club and fix the issues at home?

I don't get it, you're letting the man who has sex with your wife stand there and talk to your son who then texts your wife afterwards.

@Tren0R201: True, maybe, but a little unfair. Why should my son lose out??? Seems I'm the only one thinking of him. Trust me, I won't be a mug forever...

My WW has just emerged from the bedroom, looked me straight in the eyes with a look of either love or (more likely) pity and kissed me. Preparing me for leaving me, by any chance?

I don't think she knows what she's doing 15 minutes from now. That text you copied made me want to vomit... no sentient woman could enjoy that.

There are a million things going through her head right now. They all end with the word "ME."

So, what's this about her taking away your son? That's a good way to get into serious legal trouble. Good thing you're meeting with a solicitor tomorrow.

Try to ignore her today as best you can. If she takes your son, contact your in-laws immediately. If they can't do anything, contact the police. Listen to the police. Get it on the record. Then address this with the solicitor and follow his or her recommendations to the letter.

No sense repeating the ultimatums about leaving the house. She knows. She either doesn't take the threat seriously, or she doesn't care. If she tries to stage some sort of scene ("I'm going now" - with suitcases), don't take the bait. If your son is with her and packed as well, just tell her not to take him with her - he belongs with you. But don't fight about it. Don't engage. If she's going alone, just say "OK" and don't bother repeating the ultimatum. Reason being that she clearly likes the drama itself. Provoking a reaction, pretending that there's this real romantic dilemma to face.

I think you're right, Red Sox. She's in a bit of a dream state, gazing around the house & out the window. All nostalgic & wistful. How lovely. I am resisting the urge to prompt a conversation. Right now she's in the bathroom, no doubt texting her AP. I honestly think she doesn't know what to do. But the writing is on the wall for me, whether or not this 'marriage' limps on into Monday morning.

Agree about my son 100%. Just want to keep it calm & not upset him. It would make no sense for him to be disrupted on the short term, until proper arrangements have been made.

Noticing a slight change - like she's looking for an argument over the most minor of things. Well, I'm not giving her one. Coward's way out I reckon. Oh, she's back in the bathroom... Bet her phone's not far away.

I'm sorry Saveus. Sounds like her betrayal is more than you imagined. She may still come back once you've filed. But it sounds like she doesn't want to. To be honest, since I think you're a good guy, I think you deserve someone better.

If she leaves, her relationship with him won't last. They rarely do. A relationship that starts because of two dishonest people cheating is not a healthy relationship. And he's already proven what type of person he is. I predict they'll be broken up within two years. I hope you don't wait around for her. she's proven who she is too.

Take care of yourself and your boy. If it turns out to be a D, realize there are women out there for good men. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you'll find somebody and look back on this with relief.

wishing you the best.

I have to agree with mike7. She may come back, but would you even want her back? As much as you love her, she seems to be pushing you in a direction that you yourself may not recover from.

I'm sick at reading those text. I'm sorry saveus. Truly I am. She's gone.

yop

Okay. Having read that shit between your WW and her complete wanker tosspot POSOM, I think you need to get seriously angry. Cold angry. She is playing you for a fool. Stop it right now.

In addition to your solicitor meeting tomorrow, visit the bank and start to separate your finances. If you have any accounts in joint names, take half the money and put it into your own bank account. If you have any spare cash, give it to someone you trust to take care of it for you.

Why should my son lose out???

He won’t. Make and official complaint to the organising body. Go to Citizens Advice and see if there is anything you can do. Ask your solicitor if there is anything you can do. Tell the club organiser you do NOT want that man anywhere near your child. Expose the POS for the POS he is.

Your WW is completely gone right now, drugged up to the eyeballs. It won’t last with OM. Three times divorced? Sound like he enjoys the chase and then gets bored once he has “won” the prize. Doomed to failure. But there is nothing you can do about it. Step back from the drama and start to plan your life without her.

Thoughts will be with you tomorrow. Good luck with the meeting.

Saveus, my heart is breaking with you because I went through this a few months ago. I read texts/emails where my fWW talked of changing her name to his, and read with horror things about the state of our marriage that simply weren't true. The AP was a mouse-faced serial cheater who later admitted to sleeping with 9 hookers while married to his wife. They affair down in a big way in accordance with the Affair Playbook; it's the only way they get the affirmation and ego kibbles they are so desperately seeking; namely, by choosing someone they know is beneath them. This POS who has been divorced 3 times, and has a penchant for pursuing married women is one of them.

Your WW may come out of this fog, but boy is she in it deep. My deeply remorseful wife only 6 months later cannot believe the stuff she said and did while in la-la-land, but she sure as hell now knows OM is an utter piece if excrement that she nearly ruined her life and family for.

Plonking down the divorce papers all signed and good to go is something you need to do. I filed, and it was finally the thing that shook my wife from her reverie 2 weeks after D-Day. Not saying it will do the same for you, but it proves to your wife (and yourself) that you are determined to push on with life regardless. Yes it does suck, you don't deserve this, but alas it is what you (and us, my friend) have all been dealt.

If it does go pear-shaped with your WW, take some comfort knowing that empirical research into couples who had a relationship created under the pretext of infidelity have barely a 1% success rate after 24 months. Let her chew on that one. I'm sure noting he's been married 3 times their odds will be even better...

Pour your love into your son. But we barely need to remind you of that. Thinking of you mate, the thing that helped me is that each outrage made me stronger. There is a time for gut clenching despair post-D Day, and a time for purposeful resolve. That time for you is now.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 8:27 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]

@Hurthalo: Thanks, that means a hell of a lot. I'm out with my boy right now (nothing going on at home as yet) and what you just said about my love for him very nearly choked me up. I'm hearing you. My son deserves nothing but the BEST and that's why it hurts so much that his own mother would subject him to any of this (he's been well protected to date). She absolutely is in la-la land. And the sickest thing of all is that, had she shown the slightest hint of empathy or remorse, I'd have walked to the ends of the earth to save us.

Noticing a slight change - like she's looking for an argument over the most minor of things. Well, I'm not giving her one.

And there is a reason she is looking for a fight with you now.

She needs to leave the house and she doesn't have a good reason to leave. Getting into a fight with you gives her the reason to leave and go to the OM.

This is a very common tactic of the WW.

Do not give her a reason to leave the house. Make her suffer not being with the POS OM.

Her continuing the A so out in the open is not very common though, she is extremely blatant about this to the point what you have is an open marriage. And that most certainly is not something you married her for.

It really is time to force her decision, otherwise you could be in a living hell for a long time, while she has her cake and eats it too.

Saveus,

I'm so sorry you had to read that text from OM. I've got copies of every email my ex and her POS ever sent to each other and when I first discovered them I threw up. I'm not normally one to exaggerate so when I say that I felt like someone had taken out my heart and put it in the garbage disposal whilst she looked me in the eye, I can assure you that that was the day I knew she was gone. Every ounce of the woman I thought loved me was not there anymore. Utterly replaced by someone who wished I was dead. I know it would have been easier for her if I was. It was like she was taken over by a cult.

The sickening and cheesy words of the OM are typical and identical to those of 'my' OM.

At this moment in time your currency is worth shit. All the years, history, fun times, children, memories and companionship are worth less than a Zimbabwean dollar. OM is currently shitting gold bars and the more you try to remind her what she's giving up the more she walks away. She will profess that your son will be fine, 'they are resilient', she will say, 'it's better for him if mummy is happy', she will exclaim.

Be prepared for the marriage re-write. That's gonna hurt.

Every BS does exactly what you have done but I've not seen it maker a jot of difference. Me included.

If you're in the Buckinghamshire region maybe we can meet up for a beer.

AAS

hi saveus, i've been quietly following your story. I can't believe the amount of drama you have to endure so shortly after d day. i have nothing to say except that my heart breaks for you. i know it must be very difficult to decide to divorce someone you deeply love for 15 years. I just want you to know that my prayers are with you.

Saveus – please tell me you are going to spend some time tomorrow separating your finances.

If you have joint accounts, take half. The same with savings. If you have a credit card with her as a second card holder, cancel her account. If you have a joint mortgage, get ahead of the game and find out what is likely to happen in the case of you divorcing.

This can all be changed in the event she dumps OM. But sod’s law will play out if you don’t do it in anticipation.

this from my wife to the OM at 9pm last night (so presumably in the intermission at the theatre): I'm going to sort this! Tomorrow! I will tell him I am leaving!! Ok?! You have to be certain?!!!

Now is the time to protect yourself, your assets and your son (since you're clear on your role as protective father, I will focus on the the first two).

Does your phone have the ability to record long lengths of conversation? If not, purchase a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) before your meeting with your attorney. Stress -- and a lack of proper nutrition while a marriage implodes -- results in lack of information retention.

1. Ask your solicitor if your can record his advice as you are having problems with memory recall.

2. More important, record yourself any time your wife speaks to you in the near future. There is a chance she will tell you she wants a divorce, and then call the police alleging domestic violence against you. Protect yourself. Don't let the police remove you from your home since you are not in the wrong.

Also, heed the advice above to take 1/2 of the marital assets and place them in a personal account.

You are now at war. It doesn't have to be a violent, bloody war. But you do have to think strategically and act defensively.

Saveus

Just another supporter here who's heartbroken for you and all you've endured this last few weeks.

I too saw many messages and emails from my WS to his AP's, it hurts like hell, and is so shocking when read to see where their heads are at.

PLEASE take on the suggestions of the other posters who are giving you gold advice and protect you and your son.

Regarding getting a recording device, please do this, as you say your WW is looking for a reason to start a fight with you, please do not underestimate the lengths these WW WILL go to to have that happen, including false domestic violence accusations. This happens with my brother and he had to endure a whole year waiting for it to go to trial, his career, reputation and child custody was hanging by a thread till this was resolved, she kept his kids from him for over 6 months due to her insane behaviour. Her OM was also very complicit in doing this with her, and it feel concerned that the fact your WW AP is prepared to lie so much and fabricate bullshit regarding what happened at your sons event the other day, leads me to believe he might support her if she decides to go down that road. Luckily for my bro he was acquitted on all charges, that year of waiting for it to go to trial though and him not seeing his kids was utter hell. Don't leave yourself vulnerable.

As much as you can have your son with you, document the times she was at AP place when he was I'll before the dates get lost with everything else you've got going on at the moment, IF she becomes aware you have seen a solicitor, and feels she's loosing control of you and loosing her cake eating, she WILL want to punish you for that and her crazy will ramp up. Having your son with you for as much as possible will also help you down the road IF you get into child custody court, she may also try to punish you for not conforming to her fairy tale bolloks by trying to minimise the time you have with him, so make sure as much as you can that you have him as much as you can.

I know you want R, at the moment she has her head so far up her ass it's poking out the top of her neck. she's too far gone. The only chance you have of possibly influencing her to get off the fence on to your side is shock and awe. Show her you mean business, stand up for yourself, take no more shit. I tried the reasoning, talking etc with my WS when it all kicked off for me, they just see us as weak and pathetic, and know inside that we are still in that comfortable place as a fall back option. Remove that. go against the story she's creating in her mind of you and cut. Her. Off. Completely. financially, take half of whatever you have on accounts, she's made her decision she wants to keep OM on the scene so let him put his £ where his mouth is. Please listen to ukgirl, she talks sense.

She is mistaking your kindness and willingness to be reasonable as weakness. You are not weak at all. Show her that big time saveus.

You are looking into your options going to see a solicitor, D can be stopped at any time. She's looked into her "options", of course in a destructive unhealthy way, look into yours in a positive healthy way, for you and your son.

Just know that there are many many of us thinking of you and thank you for posting often and keeping us updated, we really appreciate it

MM

I’ve been hesitating about posting what I’m going to say ever since I read what the OM included in his communications with your wife. What struck me was his comment where he mentions your son.

The OM works around children…

The OM seems to have put effort into befriending your son…

The OM has a string of unsuccessful relationships…

The OM mentions your son and your WW as one entity…

The fragility of your WW - a known symptom for predators...

Gently…

Could it be that your SON is his target?

I don’t want to cause unnecessary concern but IMHO you should contact his ex, explain the situation and simply ask if you should be worried if he is around your son. Don’t use the “p” word, don’t ask directly about abuse.

DO NOT TALK ABOUT THIS WITH YOUR WIFE!!!!

The OM could be the evil twin brother of Satan and you can’t make her see it.

I freely admit this is a very far-fetched deduction on my behalf. I HOPE I am wrong and I only mention it because even if there is only a 1% chance of me being correct… It’s worth the talk to his ex.

To emphasise mountainmomma, diarise everything. Write everything down that has happened to date. It's hard to remember details and dates when you are in the middle of a shitstorm.

Keep all texts and emails - in triplicate. Keep hard copies of anything that might be lost. Photograph anything that might be useful to your case/side of the story. Do not underestimate the lows to which your WW and OM will stoop to.

It's better to be over prepared for the worst case scenario than to be caught out under prepared.

Start to give your IL's less information. Their loyalties will stay with their daughter, whatever they may say now. Seen that way too many times. Share information that will be useful to your case, but keep back anything that is private or that you may use as ammunition at some later date.

Again, hope all goes well tomorrow.

ETA

It’s worth the talk to his ex.

Have to agree there. It might be time to talk to all three of them. And any others in between.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:15 PM, May 11th (Sunday)]