SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No one has suggested that R isn't possible, just that BS's who divorce never seem to regret their decision while many regret NOT divorcing. This is simply a fact based on an overwhelming preponderance of evidence.

How you doing, LJ?

How you doing, LJ?

Oh, it's all a special kind of awful. I guess on the positive side, work is going very well for me, and I just landed another gig (I work in a freelance, gig-based economy, so these are vital). Plus, friends have been coming out of the woodwork to check on me and make sure I get out often.

I've been seeing an IC, who has recommended that I *not* make any long-term decisions on D or R for several more months. Instead, the IC wants me to focus on personal health and being comfortable with myself as an individual (which honestly has never been a problem, but I'm inclined to take her advice regardless). So, that means WW and I are still living together... her living/sleeping in the guest room and me spending most of my days in the kitchen trying to avoid her.

This week is full of triggers for me. WW has flown back home to Minnesota to attend her sister's wedding. Exactly one year ago, her PA started with the OM... during a trip by herself... to Minnesota... to attend a wedding. So, you know.

I was originally going to go with her for a portion of this trip-- my flight was booked for Sept 15th... So, the idea was that she would be there for a week without me. Had DDay never happened, I'm certain the OM would have flown in to have sex with her during that week (as they had done one two other occasions where WW was in Minnesota without me). Of course, now I'm not going at all.

The only fly in the ointment is, yesterday WW's parents alerted her that her father has a major heart condition and will need full heart replacement surgery very soon. So, WW is quite naturally a wreck. She called me to alert me of the news (which I appreciated) and also how much she wishes I were there with her right now to help her through this (which I didn't really appreciate).

If I follow my IC's timeline, I'm supposed to make a final decision on R or D (and, let's be honest, it's going to be D) right about the time in which WW's father will be going under the knife. Not sure what I'm supposed to do about all that...

T/J

Quite a number of surveys indicate that the vast majority of those that divorce – when asked 12 months post divorce – regret the decision and realize the problems were surmountable.

Same surveys also indicate that at the 24 month mark a vast majority is fully content with the decision to divorce.

Back on track…

Maybe the absolute worst advice I hear offered is the don’t do anything dribble.

Imagine you are in a burning building. It’s a serious situation but frankly there are really only two possible outcomes: The fire dies out or the building burns. Would you be OK with not doing anything? After all one of the options is that the fire dies out…

Personally I would be looking for active ways to kill the fire and keeping a constant eye to how best to get out and when to get out.

I think a better suggestion would be to not do anything irrevocable or badly thought out. When dealing with infidelity that’s mostly actions based on emotions rather than thought. IMHO the biggest danger of a not doing anything period is getting used to having a dead corpse in the corner of the house and pretending not to smell the decay. You get used to it and maybe even comfortable about it, but every now and then the stink gets in your nose.

I know what you mean, Bigger. That's why I've made great pains not to allow either of us to slip back into things being "normal." There are plenty of times that I just want to serve divorce papers and move on with my life ASAP, but I am inclined to follow the advice of my IC.

You absolutely owe it to yourself to listen to Bigger. Get a second opinion. What your IC is recommending is frankly a little bit of an outlier.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 12:40 PM, September 8th (Friday)]

Lux,

Instead, the IC wants me to focus on personal health and being comfortable with myself as an individual (which honestly has never been a problem, but I'm inclined to take her advice regardless).

I'm sure there is more to it than that. Better be. That's not much of a treatment goal.

Coming out of this you'll want to have your heart and mind aligned so you make better decisions. Ones you can trust (knowing there will be some uncertainty in any decisions about a future that has unknowns).

R or D is going to require you to be more self reliant, more resilient. Work on those. R or D is going to require you to be able to put yourself first (see to your O2 mask before assisting others). And the current living arrangement (seems like limbo to me), and R or D, is going to require you to sharpen up your coping skills to deal w/triggers.

Shred out any Mr Nice Guy (being a good guy is uber fine), and Co-dep tendencies.

IOW, reflect and self identify some stuff you want to work on.

also how much she wishes I were there with her right now to help her through this

Yeah. We are always the go to utility when the "Easy Button" doesn't work. Jeesh.

eta missing word.

[This message edited by TimelessLoss at 11:17 PM, September 8th (Friday)]

I have followed you and your WW. You each have been consistent with your comments which leads to this.

If you have not read the lengthy history of WaitedWayTooLong

You should. He held on for 5 or 6 years. His W was seemingly full of remorse and desperately wanted to save the marriage. He didn't want to commit one way or another too quickly. He knew there was a part of him that still felt love for her and wanted to rebuild the M. He also knew there was a part that just couldn't quite get past the A. His sense of pride, his need to feel like he was not a doormat kept telling him to D. So he sat on the fence, twisted in the wind and was generally unhappy for years because he was stuck in limbo. He recently decided, I believe, that he had to pull the trigger and hop off the fence.

The only difference I see between you and him is that you won't admit to yourself that there is still some part of you that loves her and that struggles with is there a way to rebuild. So instead you say "I will follow the advice of my IC even though I know I will D".

I won't advocate either way -- D or R. What I will advocate is don't spend 5 years refusing any attempt to R while also refusing to pull the trigger. I think WWTL would tell you that the fence gets damned uncomfortable after a while.

You keep saying you know in the end you will D. If you REALLY are certain of that, then acknowledge that the lump in the corner is, as Bigger notes, a dead corpse and D. If you are not REALLY that certain, then acknowledge that fact and start doing your part to try to R. Don't spend more years of your life torturing yourself like WWTL did.

I hope each of you can find peace.

[This message edited by 1985 at 4:25 PM, September 8th (Friday)]

The way out is you empowering yourself.

If I were you I would go to the wedding versus sitting home wondering. I would also like to know how she was able to go home and hook up.

I would also support my wife in the matter of her father. It is the right thing to do and you can not get this back. You will regret this the rest of your life.

Travel there, go to the wedding, see you FIL. Be supportive. Don't let this change you into a person you don't want to be.

I'm going to agree and disagree with some advice here, for your consideration.

I don't like the artificial deadline idea - forcing yourself to sit on your hands even once you've thought things through and reached a decision. To me, the key is to weigh things carefully and make the decision that is best for you and then to move forward. If that's a week, a month, 3 months or 6 that's up to you and how you feel. I just don't know how setting an alarm clock and deciding that's the moment makes sense. I think your gut will tell you when you're ready and when it does, move ahead.

I would not travel out to this wedding to support your WW or her family. It's not a bad reflection on you that you're staying home. This was your WW's choice - your life has changed now, thanks to her unilateral decisions, and the result is that your circumstances have now changed. I'm sure there's plenty of support to be garnered elsewhere. No one is irreplaceable. Perhaps it's true that your WW wants your support most, and that's very nice, but she should have thought of that before destroying your M then don't ya think?

The wedding is for couples. His wife made the unilateral decision to end the marriage quite some time ago.

It's time to keep things simple, which is where the IC is going I think. Focus on healing himself. He's a victim of one of the worst cases of spousal abuse that I've seen.

Artificial deadlines are the worst. When you know you know. First she had him do 90 days now the IC is doing more. They're arbitrary and not a reflection of reality.

Though it's tough to disagree with an IC, you get good ones and you get bad ones. With the bad ones I've found they come into the situation predisposed to trying to save the marriage (counterpoint to that is that some of the advice you get here is slightly predisposed to D). I unfortunately think you owe it to yourself to get a second professional opinion.

Lux, here's an exercise that may help you out.

Have you ever played the game where someone asks you a lists of questions and you have to answer immediately. You can't think about it. No weighing how best to answer. The first thing that comes to mind is your answer. The questions are rattled off REALLY FAST so you have to answer REALLY FAST with the premise being without time to think your answer to each question may shed some insight into what you REALLY think and feel about things. It may start off as a word association but the questions become more revealing.

So if someone says:

"Black" you say ________

"Peanut butter" you say _______

"Favorite band" you say ________

"Favorite teacher you ever had" you say ________

"Your favorite place you've ever been to" you say________

"Will you be with your wife five years from now" you say____

If you answered "no" to that last question (again having to answer IMMEDIATELY and not having time to weigh everything out) it might be an eye opener for you about where your heart, spirit, soul, and true feelings are with this situation with your wife.

If the answer is "no", and that you won't be with your wife five years from now, why put off making the decision now?

Make the decision and get on with your life.

The sooner you can do this the sooner you can start the healing process.

There's NEVER going to be the right time or best time to do this.

1985, WWTL's WW lied about having sex with OM in their bed for 5 years post DDay and it was a question WWTL knew she was lying about and asked occasionally. She brought him to a MC that suggested rugsweeping. She didn't read or do the hard work. She was not considerate of his triggers. She just begged WWTL repeatedly whenever he mentioned D until he caved. She may have genuinely not wanted a D but that isn't what remorse looks like. Remorse is honest, inward focused, and lets go of the outcome. It's not fair to imply it's WWTL's fault he waited so long in limbo with a perfect, remorseful spouse.

Lux, I'm not a fan of arbitrary deadlines either but it's your call to make. It doesn't sound like waiting a little bit longer will change much. If IC isn't helping you, feel free to nix it or find someone new. It sounds like your therapist is fixing surface issues when you may be better served with someone who will dig deep and give you new insight.

If I follow my IC's timeline, I'm supposed to make a final decision on R or D (and, let's be honest, it's going to be D) right about the time in which WW's father will be going under the knife. Not sure what I'm supposed to do about all that...

Forget the timeline and forget the advocates rushing you into making a decision. You are not in infidelity and your wife is truly remorseful. You may well ending up divorcing her but that does not mean that you have to lose your integrity in the process.

As far as I am concerned I would be very disappointed in you if you did not support your wife in the time of her father's illness. It is just common humanity. Believe me you will regret it if you don't, you really will. Show her some grace. She did not show you any in her affair but your are the better person. Be that now!

As far as I am concerned I would be very disappointed in you if you did not support your wife in the time of her father's illness.

Well I certainly wouldn't want to disappoint SorrowfulMoon...

yesterday WW's parents alerted her that her father has a major heart condition and will need full heart replacement surgery very soon. So, WW is quite naturally a wreck. She called me to alert me of the news (which I appreciated) and also how much she wishes I were there with her right now to help her through this (which I didn't really appreciate).

If I follow my IC's timeline, I'm supposed to make a final decision on R or D (and, let's be honest, it's going to be D) right about the time in which WW's father will be going under the knife. Not sure what I'm supposed to do about all that...

I don't think you can preschedule a heart transplant. Once a donor and match are found, surgery takes place within a few hours. (My apologies if I've misunderstood.)

As far as I am concerned I would be very disappointed in you if you did not support your wife in the time of her father's illness.

Well I certainly wouldn't want to disappoint SorrowfulMoon.

..

I don't think you can preschedule a heart transplant. Once a donor and match are found, surgery takes place within a few hours.

Mechanical heart.

Oh, makes sense. Sorry.

The timing of her dad's surgery is very inconvenient. Maybe you should tell your IC how you feel about divorce now, how you've felt through the last several months, and ask whether you should adjust your schedule. It's an arbitrary timeline, and if you spring divorce on her right as her dad is having surgery, she can spin it with friends and family. Maybe you should do it now before she has the chance?

Whatever you do, don't you dare feel guilty. She opted out of having your support when she started sleeping with someone else.

Your focus should be your happiness and well-being ONLY.

Sorry for FIL, but he shouldn't be your concern, particularly right now.