SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Free,

For Lux's sake you should address the concern to a Mod. We've lost/almost lost Lux a couple of times because of that. He called it out. The Mods called it out previously. Your concern is a real one, however your post could cause Lux to question the authenticity of the advice of *all* posters.

This is why I hate the “take no action” advice.

If you were in reconciliation your wife would have to be accountable, open and honest. All the advice suggesting that would be spot-on.

We could be discussing if you should be with her visiting FIL or not, and your role there as her support-system and your concerns for him.

We could discuss if she should tell her family and all that stuff.

This is all reconciliation stuff…

If you were divorcing then what she does, whom she meets, what she says, what her family know and think… have NOTHING to do with you. They could be throwing a party celebrating your departure from the clan and it shouldn’t concern you an iota.

We would be telling you to not track her.

We would be telling you that even if you KNEW she was doing OM right now it wasn’t any concern of yours any more. She’s been fired as your wife and its only severance time left.

If you visited FIL, it would only be a sign of friendship or respect for your soon to be former FIL.

We would be asking if her sister would really want her soon to be former brother in law at her party.

We would be offering completely different advice on how to move on out of infidelity.

That is all divorce stuff…

Instead it’s this murky take no action therefore nothing changes and soon we get used to limbo situation.

I’m going to suggest one thing:

Contemplate what you want LESS. Divorce or Reconciliation. Contemplate what you want MORE. Same options. Try to act on the one that gets the strongest reactions from you.

In other words, if you want to D then act, plan and behave as if you are divorcing. Gather your financial info, tax returns, valuations… read up on law and processes, start looking for accommodations. Detach like crazy. Act like she’s a temporary roommate and your time together is limited.

Wear that concept for some days and then reevaluate what you want. How did it feel? OK with your decision? It’s OK to change your mind – although swaying between D and R on a regular basis won’t get you anywhere – but AT LEAST you have a course. One that will get you out of infidelity r or d.

In reality, Lux is unsure of what he wants--R or D.

Most of us understand.

Take only the advice you need to make a decision that you can live with.

You have enough pistols on this site who can aid you with any path you choose.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 12:21 PM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

Contemplating making a decision is a decision. Not making a decision is a decision. Both valid depending on an OP. He made a decision to get IC. That's means to me that he is not in limbo (limbo defined as taking no action to change the status quo).

ontemplating making a decision is a decision. Not making a decision is a decision. Both valid depending on an OP. He made a decision to get IC. That's means to me that he is not in limbo (limbo defined as taking no action to change the status quo).

Thanks, this is correct. To clarify, I found an IC that I like, and I feel that the sessions have been helpful to me. If I were doing this completely on my own, I would probably have started the divorce paperwork process by now. However, my IC (again, who I like and whose professional opinion I trust) has advised me to hold off on making that final decision.

That, however, doesn't mean that I'm wavering on where I stand or that I'm looking for advice to nudge me in one direction or another. I *am* taking action: I am following the program worked out between me and my IC. I hope that the posters here can respect that.

Hey LJ, glad you found an ic you like and trust, it can be hard to find.

Perhaps if you elaborated on why your ic is suggesting this it may help people understand. I can understand why people are confused on holding off if your mind is made up. Perhaps your ics unique perspective would clear that up.

At the end of the day this is your journey, you have to make the decisions you feel comfortable with. If you trust your ic and it matches with how you feel, then all power to you for standing by it.

That, however, doesn't mean that I'm wavering on where I stand or that I'm looking for advice to nudge me in one direction or another. I *am* taking action: I am following the program worked out between me and my IC. I hope that the posters here can respect that.

I'm so stoked to hear that! Great news and attitude!

On a thread like this there are often a few posters that can't disentangle themselves from their own situation, but those are a minority. What is important is that you are out of infidelity, have support with IC and SI, and most importantly, have a plan that you are acting on.

[This message edited by antlered at 8:37 AM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Hey LJ

No advice, no criticism, no questions, just thoughts. Just sending positive thoughts from someone who has walked this path before you, but not so far out ahead to have forgotten how hard it is.

So thinking of you

OhFor

No advice, no criticism, no questions, just thoughts. Just sending positive thoughts from someone who has walked this path before you, but not so far out ahead to have forgotten how hard it is.

So thinking of you

Thanks bud. Appreciate it.

Hey, as someone who's been through this before... the mind movies stop eventually, right? It's been almost 3 months now since DDay and I still can't go to sleep without turning on music or some other kind of distraction to keep my brain focused. Otherwise, like clockwork, the movies start.

For me they are still there.

My copping mechanism is to have no contact. Some things still trigger them like hotels. I have just spent a week in hotels and they came creeping back.

What made it worse was not being able to speak to my kids.

When I could chat to them, all was good again

Don't know what to tell you. Maybe become an online gaming nut.

Some told me that it worked for them

Maybe I should just clarify, international hotels were the scene of the crime for her.

the mind movies stop eventually, right?

First they lose their power and then they fade

LJ - An IC you trust is invaluable. Right now if when many betrayeds 'get soft' and ruin a lot of good, hard work. So take people's concern as just being preventative against that.

I personally do not think you have much of a chance of backtracking. Sounds like you are reasonably level headed and am getting good advice from an IC that you trust

They definitely faded for me. What is strange is they faded first during sex. I thought those would be the last to go. They weren't. For me it was when things were going well or at least normal. She would be laughing at a party, or having a good time with the family, and a switch would click in my brain and I would think of them together.

Nights when we would get into bed and it would also pop into my mind. I think I kept the pharmaceutical company who made ambien in business.

Gone, never. Faded yes

Re: the wedding

I think in this instance it's ok to not tell the whole truth. I found out the extent of my WH's affair (that it was PA vs' the EA I had been told) 2 days before my SIL's wedding. I could barely function and everyone knew something was wrong with me and I told the truth, to everyone. The whol In Law family was EXTREMELY supportive to me during this time, including the bride (my SIL) but I completely over shadowed her one and only (let's hope) wedding day. My MIL was a mess, crying not because her daughter was getting married that day, but because she knew what me and her Son were going through.

My SIL still looks back at her wedding and surrounding events as "the affair" time. It's pretty bad and I wish I would have kept it together enough to not release the info prior.

Not that you situation in like this one, but why ruin the bride's day? For honesty's sake? Not worth it I tell ya. You can always fess up later and know that everyone will respect why it was hidden during a happy and ceremonious time.

Individuals handle mind movies differently.

For me, they were ceaseless.

They stopped--or at least were tempered--when I divorced.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:07 PM, September 16th (Saturday)]

Hey Friend

Just want you to know that I am still sending supportive thoughts your way.

If your journey through this hell is following a path similar to what mine was, round about now you will be going through your darkest hour. My darkest hour turned into hours, then days, days to weeks, weeks to months and the months almost into a year.

The reason mine was so long was largely due to the pressure exerted on me by WW, society, MS, but mostly by myself and my overblown male ego. I coerced myself down a route I never should have followed.

I hope that for you, your stay in this dark place will be shorter than what mine was. Whatever the case I would like to share with you just a glimpse of hope.

I have just had a most incredibly happy weekend. Almost certainly the happiest in my life. When I was in my darkest hour I never could have believed that it would even have been possible for me to ever feel invigorating, life giving happiness again, and yet, here I am. I know that this week in particular, I am going to have some bumps. I am going to have low points, but just knowing that days like I have just experienced are still possible, will get me through those moments.

It might not now seem possible to you, but moments, days, weekends like I have just had are in your future. I know this, not only from my own experience but that of countless thousands on here who have walked this path before us.

Hang on to that hope.

My hope for you is that the week that lies ahead is at least a little better than the one that has just been and then the next better than that and the next better than that……..

Stay strong. Drawn on the support of your friends here and IRL.

Hey OhFor. Thanks.

I (thankfully) don't think I'm in my darkest hour right now. I mean... it sucks and I'm in a state of near-constant malaise (I described it to WW recently as "default-sad"), but it's not like things are triggering me or that I'm finding myself in states of total agony anymore. I'm just not, you know, happy.

If my feelings right now were an expression, they would be a resounding "shrug." As in, "Oh well, she made her choices and we both know where it has to go now." Just kind of methodically getting our lives and financials in order while this ship slowly sails toward its inevitable destination.

Thankfully, my IRL friends have been super supportive. And it's funny in a morbid way, but my career has never been going better since basically a month after WW started her affair. I mean, seriously, I'm in demand, getting long-term jobs, taking meetings, fielding offers... Thank god this all happened to me during the best year of my life (professionally) or who knows how the hell I'd handle it all.

As I've said before, the biggest dread is selling the house. I think I could make the monthly mortgage payments by myself, but buying her out of her half of the equity would be too much and put me underwater. I really hate moving and paying rent... and I was looking forward to never having to do either of those things ever again. Ugh.

Hi LJ

Your post has just made my good weekend turn out to be the start of a good week. (It is Monday morning over here).

When you get to the state of meh, as you so eloquently describe in;

If my feelings right now were an expression, they would be a resounding "shrug."

You are well on your way to healing. Am also glad that the business is going well for you. Funny enough. This last year has been my most challenging and busy at work as well. Made all the more difficult by the fact that for much if it my head was clouded with terrible day dreams of showers, mini bars and airport toilets, but the heavy work load was in fact a blessing. Looking back, it was an important part of my therapy. WW had made me feel like a total incompetent. A less than man, but my work world was proving that I was still a super hero.

So glad that it seems to be going the same way for you.

So thanks for the post. I will face one more hurdle this week and where here I was hoping to cheer you up, you have now done that for me.

Isn’t this place great?

Totally understand on the house bit. It was something that fortunately I did not have to do. Also, in my case it was never the scene of the crime. Quite a few of the single chaps over in the D/S forum have found it quite therapeutic to move. It is sort of a rite of passage moment and defines the new beginning point quite well. Try and make it something like that for you.

My mind movies took about 1.5 years to go away. That's a long time! But know that it DOES get better.