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It's been my experience in that in time..the right time when the kids get you alone more information on WW behavior will surface.

The kids see a lot more then we do with regards to what the WW is really doing when we are out there busting our butt making a living and can't see first hand all the late pickups and extra drop offs from their mom.

I'm sure they have witnessed a lot of shady behavior from their mom through out the years.

Westway,

I think it best they now know.

The thing is this if your daughters already knew and were covering up to try and hold the family together then, it was a horrible amount of guilt for them to carry.

One of the worst aspects of an affair is that sometimes kids blame themselves for their parents unhappiness.

Your WW may also have warned them "don't tell dad", it happened to a friend of mine when I was young.

Your WW earned her scarlett letter, good that everyone knows, now let everyone know about the OMs.

I wonder if they both knew.

Don't be surprised at what they know or at least suspected.

Kids pick up on things

Hey guys. Thanks for the support. I'm in Santa Monica for the next few days on business and I have to say it could not have been timed better. I can breathe now, and it is so pleasant not being around the resident Madame. My girls are okay, and I did talk to them extensively on Sunday. The younger daughter just needed lots of hugs and reassurance that dad wasn't going anywhere and that I loved her. She didn't ask me anything. She holds things in like her mom does. I worry about her coping skills. I need to get her into counseling.

The older daughter is pissed at her mom and is getting madder. She takes after me: she wears her heart on her sleeve. She kissed me bye and drove back to East Lansing without so much as a nod to her mom. The WW of course blamed that on me, as if all this were my doing. Yes... the blame transference has begun in earnest.

I called my parents last night. Mom wasn't surprised. She's never warmed up to my WW. dad was like "Well, that's a sonafabitch isn't it?" That's my dad: a man of boundless emotional depth. I also talked to the oldest BIL. I told him she cheated... a lot. He didn't have much to say. I think he just wanted to be able to say he talked to me and did his diligence as oldest brother. I'm not too worried about her family seeking any retribution. They know I have been good to my WW. She has the house to live in, and I'll be paying her some support at least for a few years or until she marries again. I'll wait until I get back to talk to her mom and dad.

I call my daughters every day to let them know I'm thinking of them. My lawyer has all the stuff and her paralegal should be calling me any day now to let me know when the D petition is ready to file. So for now it's just a waiting game. Emotionally I'm steady as I can be undwer the circumstances. Concentrating on my work seems to help. It's hard to sleep with the porno movies going on in my head at night with my WW as lead actress. I guess it's normal. I take melatonin and that helps a bit, but if I get four hours sleep I'm doing good. I break down and bawl sometimes. Sometimes I just sit and laugh.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:31 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

She kissed me bye and drove back to East Lansing without so much as a nod to her mom. The WW of course blamed that on me, as if all this were my doing. Yes... the blame transference has begun in earnest.

Cheater logic. This can't be poor muffins fault.

Pretty common. Zero remourse. Which just leads to repeated behavior.

I would expect her family to rally to her for support so don't be surprised at that. Blood is normally thicker than water.

On of my oldest friends mother did something similar to his father who he was very close to. When the split he wanted to live with his father and his mother was shocked. She asked him why? I love you! He said You loved dad too, Look how that turned out! He then got into the care with his father without another word. He has not spoken to his mother to this day....

One day at a time brother

Me to. Never did figure out why I would laugh. I'm guessing I knew it wasn't me...it was her.

I guess it was a pity laugh that my WW was so broken.

The mind movies are just the devil phucking with you, you have to force them out and tell them you diserve better and say " I deserve good things".

Laugh and believe in your faith....it's a battle...laughing at this mind phuck shows you are stronger then the "dark side".

Trust me it is a battle...so be strong...phuck um'..your God is stronger....say it.."I DESERVE GOOD THINGS"!!!

Just be careful...you start saying it out loud and folks will look at you funny.LOL

That was my montra when I was going through this shyt.

Westway - your last post was pretty great, got your path mapped out, your daughters straightened out best you can at this point, talked to your in laws. You seem to be in control and have a good perspective on everyone involved.

Give your old Dad a break... I liked his response "Well, that's a sonafabitch isn't it?".

It's a weird thing but whenever I'm out of town shit seems to hit the fan for my WW. I was talking to my younger daughter last night and she mentioned that WW had been on the phone all afternoon arguing with her mom and sister, and that the arguments were one after another. She would hang up the phone only to get a call a few minutes later from someone else giving her a hard time.

Sometimes I think these in-laws put on this big show to portray themselves as being shocked and horrified, when in reality they are just going through the motions. The reality that I am sure of is that this theater will last maybe a couple of weeks, and then everyone will go on like nothing ever happened.

Someone posted that her family will back her. Of course they will. I wouldn't expect otherwise, that is why I plan to stay aloof. My WW's sins will be glossed over. I will divorce her, be the butt of all of her spiteful ex-husband jokes going forward, and she will settle down with another clueless fool who will put up with her abuse. Her family will treat me as if I never existed on this planet. They will avoid me in public. All of this I expect and will prepare for. The only things that matter to me now are my daughters.

One nice thing did happen. Last night before going to my room, I stopped by the hotel saloon to have a bourbon and there were two women there. They started chatting me up and were flagrantly flirting with me. It was nice to just sit and talk to some women without feeling guilty. Up until two weeks ago I never would have done that.

I will divorce her, be the butt of all of her spiteful ex-husband jokes going forward, and she will settle down with another clueless fool who will put up with her abuse. Her family will treat me as if I never existed on this planet. They will avoid me in public.

If you stay super involved in the kids you won't be the butt of the jokes or questioned when you show up to "family" events. I have way too many friends who are divorced and they see their ex so often the cordialness is kind of expected.

Do expect everyone to move on and not throw it in her face. Especially not with you there. That is them trying to let you move on. But once someone gets drunk or mad at her, this divorce will be the first thing they call her out on for years.

Other note - glad you got your flirt on. I know that is frowned on in here as cheating(EA), but I went out and did it after I found out. It kind of rebuilds your belief that you are attractive.

You are doing great considering and glad the girls are staying in touch with you. Sadly at some point they will ask you and/or your wife about the APs. Come up with a way to divert that conversation when it happens. Like prepping for the left hook all those south paws think they will surprise you with. Just see that coming as a moment were you want to be honest with your girls but honor your word to your WW.

T/J.... just chuckling thinking of big fit guy flirting with two women with a splinted finger... bet it was a conversation starter... lol

[This message edited by NoOptTo at 11:20 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Someone posted that her family will back her. Of course they will. I wouldn't expect otherwise, that is why I plan to stay aloof. My WW's sins will be glossed over. I will divorce her, be the butt of all of her spiteful ex-husband jokes going forward, and she will settle down with another clueless fool who will put up with her abuse. Her family will treat me as if I never existed on this planet. They will avoid me in public. All of this I expect and will prepare for. The only things that matter to me now are my daughters.

Unfortunately that's usually how it often plays out. It's good you have no expectations. Your daughters are older so you won't have as much of an issue avoiding contact. Which is what you'll need to move on from this.

Westway

not sure if this was mentioned, but I was just thinking, if her family is like you say, aren't you nervous that when it all comes out she will spin this around on you and no matter what, you will be the target. Wouldn't it be in your best interest to sit down with the father and let him know what is really going on before she tries and spins it. Just my thoughts. Good luck

WW had been on the phone all afternoon arguing with her mom and sister, and that the arguments were one after another. She would hang up the phone only to get a call a few minutes later from someone else giving her a hard time.

I've been following your saga, West, so I know you did the right thing and didn't focus on specifics (number of times, who with, who paid, your WW's proclivities for partner choice, etc) when you were revealing the reasons for your divorce to your daughters. This is fair, your WW is still their mom. HOWEVER, I strongly suspect that your SIL and MIL are very MUCH dealing with specifics right now, and you can bet that will be a subject of much speculation, rage and rumor going forward. You handled this well.

One nice thing did happen. Last night before going to my room, I stopped by the hotel saloon to have a bourbon and there were two women there. They started chatting me up and were flagrantly flirting with me. It was nice to just sit and talk to some women without feeling guilty. Up until two weeks ago I never would have done that.

Good for you, man. A little positive attention helps a wounded psyche, doesn't it?

Rex Nihilo

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 12:19 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Westway

not sure if this was mentioned, but I was just thinking, if her family is like you say, aren't you nervous that when it all comes out she will spin this around on you and no matter what, you will be the target. Wouldn't it be in your best interest to sit down with the father and let him know what is really going on before she tries and spins it. Just my thoughts. Good luck

I'm going to talk to him and my MIL tomorrow evening when I get back home. I will let him know that her cheating is not my fault, and I think he will agree. He knows his daughter, and he knows I have taken good care of her all these years. The old man is tough but he's pragmatic also.

[This message edited by Westway at 3:34 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

So I get a text from WW about an hour ago:

"You know I didn't want it to be this way. I'm sorry I couldn't be a good wife to you. I'm sorry I hurt you, even though I know it does not mean much."

Just out of the blue. My thinking is she's having a brief moment of clarity and is trying to span the gulf between us. I expect she'll be all closed back up when I get home tonight. Oh....if she only knew how much I know.