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In the dep, if it goes there, be very steely eyed and emotionless. Facts, facts, facts. Answer every question as if showing emotion means your kids end up in jail. Seriously, show her lawyer (and her) that you will be an EXCELLENT witness for yourself, and that you cannot and will not be rattled by any parlor tricks. If they sense that in a deposition, the odds of them trying anything in a trial lessen. If they sense you are emotional, they will attempt to rattle you so hard at trial that you seem unstable, lending credibility to her claims.

You can do this. She's desperate. Do NOT feel sorry for her. Do NOT bend or weaken. Do NOT engage.

Out of curiousity -- what is the thought process for doing the depositions *after* mediation instead of before?

My attorney characterizes it as a "fail safe" to hopefully get the parties to settle prior to trial even if settlement occurs on most issues during mediation. Officially it is so the attorneys can better prepare for trial. Unofficially it's to instill fear into one or more parties so they do not take the case to trial.

Does that make sense?

Huh.

****this is just me thinking *out loud* and NOT trying to throw a monkey-wrench into your strategy/set-up****

The odds of you walking out of mediation with all issues resolved are slim to none. Which means that the odds of having to go the deposition route anyway are very high. It just seems like doing the depo first would result in a more efficient use of time and a more effective mediation. Once your stbxww's L sees that the majority of his client's claims against you are off-base and that you have the evidence to prove it.....he might be more likely to 'talk sense' into her at the mediation table.

But that is the *ideal* situation, I guess. The *real world* is much different......

Aaaaand, the sweet "I miss you" mask is off. In less than 48 hours.

Now she is back to

Demanding: "Will you agree to a phone conference with our lawyers to promise you will not take this to trial?"

Threatening: "If this goes to trial, you better get ready."

Sneering-yet-stupid: "You want first rights of refusal? First rights of refusal means if I offer you the kids, you have to take them."

Projection: "Oh, now you're done with Bella too?" (Bella is our dog, whom she also left.)

Scary-deluded: "I have done my best to keep our children safe."

Confused that I give a shit any more: "I am working so hard, and this is draining me financially."

Angry-but-confused: "We will NOT discuss this in front of the kids!" (She was doing all the talking in front of the kids, while is stared off into the distance, silent."

All the above took place, as usual, when we exchanged the kids. These and more were crammed into five NPD-express minutes.

I did not engage. Let her wear herself out and drove off.

How many days until 1/7 mediation? Shields are up.

Dad, I hope you didn't engage with her at all. Ignored completely while the kids got from one car to the other, or just kept repeating we will talk at mediation.

Honestly? I'm thinking it's time that you guys exchange at the police station or something with witnesses present so she can't try to take strips out of you anymore.

Hope you enjoyed your Christmas time with the kids.

How did she say all those things to you, AD? How did she have the opportunity? WHAT are YOU deriving from this drama?! Whatever it is will cost you big if you're not careful.

It seems like you're backsliding badly. Why?

If you can't manage to disengage, transfer kids with someone trusted present, or do so supervised at the police station.

Stop. Talking. To. Her.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:35 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

How did she say all those things to you, AD? How did she have the opportunity? WHAT are YOU deriving from this drama?! Whatever it is will cost you big if you're not careful.

It seems like you're backsliding badly. Why?

Solus,

I am not backsliding at all, I assure you. Her diatribes occur when we exchange the children. Some time must be spent in each other's presence as we unload stuff to and from cars. She uses this to corner me, and makes sure the kids are right there so it is difficult for me to extricate myself immediately or easily.

I am doing the best I can. If I am deriving anything of which I am aware, it is a greater resolve to get this divorce over with so I do not have to endure such scenes without the law on my side.

As always I thank you for your concern and advice!

Hi, Everyone,

My kids slept at the OM's last night. They are there now, as I am writing this. (I tracked my son's phone.)

I called him and casually asked him where mommy was. The reason I did this is to ensure that she was actually there and had not left them there alone for the night.

He said she was sleeping and then hung up on me. He NEVER does this. And now he is texting me, "I miss you."

I am trying to calm down. But I am distressed: I do not know what the sleeping arrangements are there, and of course I do not know anything about this man. I do know that my DD (almost seven) sleeps with her mother every night and even DS (almost ten) usually sleeps with her as well.

Talk me down, please.

AD,

I am sorry. I doubt you have a separation agreement ( I don't think they are legal in this state) . You know she doesn't make good choices ( putting it mildly) for your kids. As much as you try to show her-it's futile. The only control you have is DAMAGE CONTROL . Text your son back that you miss him and you hope he's having a good time.

Next time you want to know if mom has left them the question to ask " about his day, what they've been doing? Hopefully he mentions mom.

I know it's hard to give up that last thread of the illusion of control over our parental partner but did we ever really have control?

The only control you have is damage control. And until things are final you still need to be careful doing damage control.

I hope they all had a sleepover in the living room. My kids therapist recommended that as a good way to break he ice and to help he kids integrate into a family situation gradually.

Hugs,

K

Thank you for your quick response, Kajem. I know this is an especially difficult aspect I am struggling with and something so many of SI folks grapple with as well. Part of the tragedy.

I just spoke with my therapist and she told me essentially the same thing. It is so very very hard.

I will continue to be the best dad I can be when they are with me and deal with my own turmoil on my own time. The children's emotional well-being is paramount.

More struggle between the head and the heart.

Thanks again.

Okay, good. You're not getting anything from your kid exchange convos, which means an easy fix. Have a friend go along to facilitate transferring stuff to your car. In the parking lot of the police station.

DS called me last night from OM's apartment crying and begging to come home, saying he is "not comfortable" there. I told him to express this to mommy. He said he did and that she would take him back to her place.

Turns out she had him and his sister stay at the OM's after all last night.

The only control you have is damage control. And until things are final you still need to be careful doing damage control.

I know and I know. I guess this is more of a vent. I am struggling terribly with the primal feeling that my young are in danger. Likely irrational, but there it is. But I still feel it is at least my right to know how many bedrooms there are.

Does your lawyer know your kids are staying the night at OM's house?

They need to be sleeping in their own bed in their own rooms.

What stuff are you unloading from one car to another? I agree someone else should be present during these exchanges.

I asked my son outright today about the sleeping arrangements: OM has two bedrooms and a pullout couch at his bachelor pad.

STBX and DD sleeps in one bedroom (one bed), OM in the other bedroom, and DS on the couch.

I emailed my attorney the info. Haven't heard back.

(((AD))))

Sending strength. I know how hard it is reconciling the heart and head.

Your resolve to keep it together for your kids is a very good plan. As for dealing with STBXW, can you meet at a neutral location? After STBXW pulls up can you pull into a space away and have the kids take their stuff back and forth. I handed them their stuff and they went back and forth to XH's car.

Hugs,

K

Hello, and a Happy New Year to all my SI friends.

Mediation is next week. This Friday I am meeting with my attorney to prepare. She has indicated we will be meeting for up to three hours. That makes me feel good, as it assures me she is devoted to my case. It is still my desire that we reach a settlement at mediation and avoid trial.

I want to be very prepared for my "preparation meeting" so every 300.00 per hour is productive. I have asked this question before and have received replies on my thread and in PMs. But I can't find them. So I will ask again:

What do you advise going into this prep meeting and ultimately mediation?

I am reviewing my petition, my interrogatories, my documentation--everything. I am brainstorming my "must haves," my "willing to negotiate on's," and my "bargaining chips."

I won't go into all the details, but my overarching "non-negotiable" is ANYTHING that gives my STBX any remaining control--over timesharing, scheduling, pickups, drop offs, financials, the home....

(And it goes without saying: everything is with the best interest of our children in mind, whose emotional well being she continues to demonstrate utter disregard.)

I want everything set in stone. I want to have severed all ties with this woman except as it regards the children. She must not have any wiggle-room to dictate and flout any longer.

Anticipatory anxiety is growing, as you may glean from this post.

Any advice is as always very appreciated.

PS: I can't thank everyone enough for your support this last year. I am forever in debt to SI.

Just sending mojo AD. You're doing great.

There is the old saying "Don't expect in divorce what you didn't get in marriage." I think this can be applied to separation as well.

Just because the "rules" get spelled out (and in your favor across the board) doesn't mean the rules will suddenly mean anything to her.

You can't realistically expect to have control over anything except you. Your actions, your emotional response.

Let me give you my example. Timesharing: we have that spelled out. Ex is consistently CONSISTENTLY late by one hour or more. Ex is to have children from Christmas 2pm until Dec. 30 7pm. Ex picked up at 3pm, brought them back at 6 pm same day. Got them again on the weekend.

CS. Ex is ordered to pay xy amount by the first of each month. This has NEVER happened. When I was receiving $ it was half on the 15th and half again at the end of the month. Nobody cares until he is 6 months with no payment at all.

You can only control how you are going to react to her failure to follow the set rules/schedule. You will be able to "take her back to court." But you have to balance the cost vs. the benefit.

Your best bet is to get an agreement that is as simple as possible with no "as parents agree" statements. Don't go with a flexible schedule. Minimize contact. Eliminate the need for future conversations.

My response to every time he can't take that he is supposed to? Ok.

My response to requests for time in exchange is based on what works best for me and the kids. Do they want to go? Does my schedule allow for it? My answer is either Ok, or no, that doesn't work for us. No explanation, no emotional tirade at what he should/ought/always/never does.

Don't set yourself up with the idea that a formal agreement will suddenly make co-parenting possible. That is like marrying a cheater because you believe the marriage vows will change things. See?

Avoid the phrase "reasonable amount of time" to do anything, as in refinance/sell the house. Firm deadlines for that kind of stuff and consequences spelled out if deadlines aren't met. Make sure you can live with them too.

fWH got burned on that one by his ex. All because of that simple little phrase.

Hi, Everyone,

Mediation is Tuesday. Depositions Friday. STBX is coming at me fast as the seconds tick down.

Some sample texts:

Please can we stop with the lawyers and focus on the kids

Again is mediation a waste or are you wanting to resolve it there

I am not planning on depositions; are you?

I have not responded to any of these. Wish me strength (and any advice for mediation!). I predict she will bring out the Big Crazy (lies, slander, threats) when she sees that I am no longer under her control and she will soon be a divorced single working mother standing in front of a permanently closed bakery.