SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Blobette,

I really do appreciate your post.

I actually agree that she must have had this in her all along. She always gave men a subconcious signal she was available and then enjoyed the ego boost when they flirted and propositioned her. She would revel in telling me the story when she got home.

I actually don't blame the pos. I obviously think he's a wanker and must be a morally bankrupt and insecure man to steal a wife and two young kids but she gave him the signals and ww has skills in that department when she tries. She's an attractive woman and sexy as hell. My beef with him is that he isn't being decent or contrite toward me. He hates me more than she does. He is defending his trophy and rubbing my nose in it with the children. He can have ww but I'll be fucked if he will get my children too.

I understand that some WS feel that something is missing in their life when they have affairs. We all feel a longing for excitement or adventure in the middle of the daily grind at some point in our life. I think the mistake is made when they assume that what's missing is in the marriage or the BS.

That something "new" that's so exciting at first will eventually become routine. What's missing will always be missing until a WS does that work to figure out what it is.

Many mind movies today. Not of the sex variety but of the wonderful 'family' moment that they are undoubtedly having due to it being STBXWW birthday today.

Our routine was to all gather on our bed first thing in the morning with the children so that mummy could open her presents. My movie is of POS taking my place and doing the exact same thing. I've been robbed.

On top of that, we have our first mediation session tomorrow which I am adamant to be cool, calm and collected in. I will refuse to get involved in relationship discussions and limit it to childcare and financials only. I must not be drawn in.

A couple of crappy days predicted. At least I take the children on holiday on Thursday.

AllatSea, I don't think those mind movies are correct, my friend. I don't think OM had presents in bed for your STBXW. I'm sure there was nothing similar. You had wonderful traditions & she is going to remember too. I don't care how hard she runs. She can't hide.

I think you can feel confident that you had a good marriage & family. She definitely had a weak spot but that does not re-write history in having had a good, nurturing family. I agree with Grace. We all would love to have a change from the regular rigors of life but your STBXW dealt with it in a very destructive, selfish & ignorant manner.

The best thing for them to break up, is for you to step back, as you have & let her have her way. I guarantee you, she thinks she has you for a "fall back" or plan B. As selfish as she is, trust me she believes this.

You are doing all of the right things. Even the exchange of blows with the jack ass. If your kids don't see, I don't blame you. I know, no one will agree with me. I just trust you don't believe that's way to solve your problems. It just needed to happen.

I will say prayers for mediation. You are spot on in your determination. It will rattle her cage. Be prepared for how much she will resent your detachment.

Looking forward to hearing the outcome of mediation. Don't look at her. When she speaks, look through her to the water

cooler or whatever is behind her. So the mediator thinks you are being respectful by looking at her when she speaks, but look through her for your own sake. Only look her in the eye if you can meet her with steel in return. She has to feel the disconnect. The ice.

Prayers & best wishes Duffy1958

Duffy, thank you for your very kind post. I hope you're right.

I have triggers all the time from songs to cars to TV shows to news reports. Everything reminds me of the two of us and latterly the four of us. Does she have mind movies too? Does she twinge when she sees me? Does she have regrets? I don't think so.

I would give anything to not have mediation tomorrow.

She is majorly pissed that I am taking the boys on holiday for 10 days. The longest she has been without them is 2 nights. She's gonna miss them like crazy. An inevitable consequence to her action.

[This message edited by allatsea at 7:04 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]

You have to remember that now is the worse time for you; pre-divorce and enduring the hostility from PO and your WW. Things will start to get better as long as you keep calm, accept advice and don't be drawn into open hostilities.

Don't give your wife an excuse to hate you; be pleasant and talk about moving on with your life and finding a new partner eventually. Even though its insincere, wish her the best and say that you accept her choices and wish get along with her, as you jointly bring up the children. The way to exact revenge is to take away her hate and anger against you and force her to see the POS in a true light. Right now the focus is on loathing you and blaming you for every wrong, real or imagined. When that hate has gone away and you moving on with your life and rebuilding, then she has to face up to her choices and a life with OM, which I strongly suspect will be a huge disappointment.

Lets face it, this guy is not going to be a good parent to another man's children and this is going to be evident as your wife loses the crutch of despising you and sees the OM for what he really is and faces up to her enormous, suppressed guilt of breaking up the family. Be patient and calm, be a great father to your kids and wait for their relationship to disintegrate.

You mentioned earlier, [statement from your MIL?], that your WW may not have even moved in with this guy if you had not found out about her adultery and forced her hand. Her affair may have just petered out. Doesn't sound like a relationship made in heaven to me.

Just wait.

Just what I needed. The whole world celebrating the birth of a Prince on my wife's birthday! Permanent reminder forever.

5 minutes until mediation starts. Not happy

AllAtSea

Sorry if this appears to be Stupid question: if, she came back running to you...would you have her back?

Or, has she caused too much damage, you see her in a totally different light now, you wouldnt be able to trust her, etc?

I don't think I could ever have her back. Too much said and too many nasty things done by her. In mediation the marital rewrite continued and her dictats about the visitation continue.

I don't think I could ever have her back. Too much said and too many nasty things done by her. In mediation the marital rewrite continued and her dictats about the visitation continue.

I'm right there with you, AAS. My STBXWW has forced my hand from solely mediation to traditional divorce. She will be shocked to find that I've filed, but it is precisely because of her unrelenting demands over custody, blameshifting, and marital rewrite.

Oh yes, and that whole thing about remorseless adultery.

But of course, through my anger, through my resolve, every day that thought creeps up, "What if...Maybe she will..." Which of course she won't. She would have by now, and my divorcing her with attorneys will make her hate me more.

"But still...She could if she realizes..." But she is who she is. Her actions have defined her.

And so at the end of the day, even if she essentially became someone who she is NOT and became the model remorseful spouse in every conceivable way and then some, I still would not take her back. Too much damage has been done to me. I just can't see how that can be repaired.

But you know what? Two years ago if someone told me that I would be divorcing the love of my life, I would have said they were insane. Life is utterly unpredictable.

So after the divorce, who the hell knows? Maybe someday she WILL change and she WILL do everything to right her wrong. And maybe I WILL be willing to reconcile. However, I am 99.9% if this comes to pass, I will have moved on and will be with someone else.

And I would never hurt that future person by leaving her for someone else--my ex-wife.

Why? Because I and we don't hurt the people we love and who love us.

Abb,

Your post is spot on. She has all of the opportunities, even at this devastatingly late stage, but she just won't change.

I managed to keep calm in mediation, for the most part. When she got in to full swing with her justification that POS was perfect in everyway and that the children and mummy are happier now I lost my cool.

I layed into her. "You have lied and betrayed everyone who loves you. Your parents, children, husband and friends and continue to do so"

She said that I should ask myself why she did that.

"Because you wanted to, you couldn't keep your legs closed and you didn't think you'd get caught"

She burst into tears and she said she couldn't understand why I was so hurt, angry and emotional.

"Because you threw a grenade into our family"

Ultimately I said to the mediator that I won't attend another session as nothing had been concluded, no decisions had been reached and all we had done was upset each other and go over old ground. I don't need to spend £340 for the privelege.

I said that unless WW makes some compromise there is no point meeting again. The mediator agreed! The mediator had actually very cleverly demonstrated to WW that if she was not willing to let me see the children sporadically or for a couple of hours here and there throughout the week, that the only other option was to extend my EOW to include Sunday night. She walked straight into the trap and still said NO. She now looks like she is being unreasonable.

I also voiced my frustration of feeling powerless to have equal say in my access to the children. WW considers that she has veto rights and makes the final call on when I see them. The mediator reminded her that it is a joint decision and not hers.

I suppose some progress was made but if it doesn't result in decisions then what's the point?

[This message edited by allatsea at 7:43 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

"Because you wanted to, you couldn't keep your legs closed and you didn't think you'd get caught"

She burst into tears and she said she couldn't understand why I was so hurt, angry and emotional.

"Because you threw a grenade into our family"

Good for you. And the mediator has to clearly see your position about access to your children.

The mediator had actually very cleverly demonstrated to WW that if she was not willing to let me see the children sporadically or for a couple of hours here and there throughout the week, that the only other option was to extend my EOW to include Sunday night. She walked straight into the trap and still said NO. She now looks like she is being unreasonable.

Believe me, this ^^^^ coupled with you going on holiday for 10 days with the boys has given your WW a *LOT* to think about. I'd stake a pound to a penny that when

The mediator reminded her that it is a joint decision and not hers.

- the penny may have finally started to drop for her that this is actually NOT going to be going *all* her way.

progress was made

Oh, I think so. REALITY may be starting to set in - and I bet you that she is thinking about that tonight.

allatsea - you go and have a GREAT holiday with your boys.

As happy as I am to have my excited boys lying in bed looking forward to their holiday, I find myself sitting downstairs feeling desperately sad and weepy. Holidays were so special for our little family and leaving ww behind with her waving and holding back the tears as we left nearly killed me. This holiday will have a huge hole in it.

I broke NC and sent a text saying that I know she will miss them and it's not the future I planned for our children but I will take good care of them. No reply.

I broke NC and sent a text saying that I know she will miss them and it's not the future I planned for our children but I will take good care of them. No reply.

It's OK allatsea. You are a decent man, and even though your WW isn't acting like a decent lady, you are proving what you are, through and through.

Have a wonderful time with your boys. Make new memories with them.

I broke NC and sent a text saying that I know she will miss them and it's not the future I planned for our children but I will take good care of them. No reply.

I don't actually think there is anything wrong with you breaking NC for this message. It was kids related, and it shows both understanding and kindness on your part. Especially because you've just been through the same thing she's going through now, when she took the boys on holiday away from you just recently. She now knows how you felt.

It was a kind message in my opinion. I think there is a chance that that may be why there is no reply too - she *may* just be beginning to understand - at least on *some* level - even if at this stage it still makes her rage - that you are *all* hurting and that the stark reality is, her choices and actions will impact on *all* of you in the future. Not 'just' you.

Yes, I think some ugly realities are beginning to impinge on her fantasy world right now. Sadly, they may make her even angrier than ever before - but she can't deny reality forever - and this and the mediators comments may be the start of that happening.

allatsea, I think it's only natural that you feel so sad about going on holiday, it's inevitable. It's a new first, and brings with it all the memories of the past. But do try to enjoy this time with your boys, and as HurtbutHopeful says, make some new memories, just for you and them.

You'll be in our thoughts. (((allatsea)))

allatsea, I feel for you. You've been with your WW for a long time & perhaps love her more than she deserves. I found out on 6/14 that my WH was seeing OW from a place they sent him to work on equipment. Goes there often. Not sure if I can really offer advice as I am in the same boat as you (sort of, my WH is attempting to reconcile & we are under the same roof but I dont know if I can handle us being together). Your W will realize, perhaps when it is too late, that she lost a gem. You valued your relationship & her & your family. If some wacko came along & swept her off her feet in a jiffy, her bubble will soon burst. The "love potion" will wear off soon & she will see his flaws. Money doesnt buy love, vacations don't necessarily mean happiness. If she choses not to go back with you, YOU DESERVE SOMEONE who will value YOU & appreciate what you have to offer. It is hellish (in my opinion) to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you. Let her go BUT FIGHT for your children. Get a lawyer, learn what your rights are. Regain your life. You are perhaps better off without her. I dont know direction my life will take but perhaps it is for the better.

The weather is perfect, the converted barn is perfect, the view of rolling countryside is perfect and the children are in bed happy, but the seat next to me is empty. I can barely see my screen through the tears. I miss my beautiful wife and companion. I almost contacted her but managed to find the strength not to. In my lowest moments I nearly convince myself that this next text will be the one that makes her realise, but then I stop dreaming. It's so lonely on holiday once the boys are in bed. Another 9 nights to go

(((allatsea)))

Right there with you, AAS... Right now is the time the family have always gone to Maine to lose ourselves in nature and make wonderful memories. It's where we should be right now in a perfect world.

They chose to wreck our families and we will never know why. Incredibly confounding and painful.

I don't know what else to say. Lots of life is left for the both of us and we never know what the future will bring. Hopefully much happiness, but I expect that the rest of our lives will be tinged with sadness.