SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just want you to know ((AAS)..that my heart goes out to you. Wish I could give U a hug. Stay strong..You'll get through this.

How are you holding up, AAS? Haven't heard from you for awhile. How was the holiday? Did it smooth out emotionally?

I've been thinking of you too. ((allatsea))

Thanks folks,

The holiday was excellent once I got the first couple of days out of the way. Inevitably I didn't get any response to this which I sent when I got back:

"Dear STBXWW

During our last mediation session, you agreed to provide the following items by the time I returned from France on the 4th August:

1) Your decision regarding the extension of my alternate weekends to include Sunday nights as it was concluded, by you, that other week days were not an option.

2) Your Summer leave plan so that we can agree my contact with the children over the coming weeks. I have already sent you my suggested plan but have not received confirmation. In addition, although I have agreed that the next 10 days are largely yours to see the children, I know that they will miss me and I them. If it is at all possible for me to see them for a few hours or a night it would be much appreciated.

I have not received any such communication about the above topics. As stated during mediation, I don't feel there would be any reason to continue with the sessions if there is not an amicable compromise from you with tangible evidence that forward progress could be made.

As mentioned in a previous email, I have scheduled a dentist visit for the boys to coincide with my appointment on the 14th August. I have yet to recieve your acknowledgement of this and need you to confirm their availabilty from 12pm that day."

For someone who tells me that she wants a divorce and wants to be amicable she is doing quite a lot to suggest that she just doesn't want to hurry things along. I am keener to get this done than she is despite her being the one who wanted out of the marriage and to move on with her life. For every month she procrastinates she is paying another months share of the mortgage, increasing her solicitors costs and causing everyone, including her, more anguish. What's with that?

STBXWW crazy alert!!!

So instead of doing what she agreed to do in mediation, which was to email me regarding her decision about Sunday nights and also about the holiday plans, she went to her solicitor yesterday (the first day back with the children when she could have gone at any time whilst they were away).

I got a letter from her lawyer stating that she refuses to allow me to have them Sunday nights, has ignored my holiday schedule totally in favour of her own, and accuses me of wanting to see them tonight and also for the whole weekend. Blatant lies!

She is now using the solicitor to make ad-hoc childcare arrangements and won't reply to emails at all now.

All I can think of is that she was majorly pissed how happy the boys were when I returned them and they couldn't stop talking about how much fun they had. Also, I reckon that she didn't like the direction that mediation went. She obviously thought it was going to go her way.

I actually think she's gone mad

Having emailed and more recently, texted, asking for confirmation if she wants ALL communication to go through the solicitor including the most basic childcare arrangements, and not having got a reply, I can only assume she has gone incommunicado. That's untenable. Now what do I do?

Speak to your solicitor *ASAP* - if she's started ignoring you that's all you can do. Don't write her any more e-mails until you know some facts about what she can and can't do legally regarding this. It is going to become very expensive, very fast unfortunately - but I don't see what other option you have.

I'm sure she'd love to see you blow up in some way, or inundating her with e-mails, because that would play right into her hands. So go the other route instead and make an official paper trail via your solicitor of her unreasonable behaviour and refusal to compromise regarding visitaion.

I think you're right - this is her reaction to the kids having had a great holiday with you. She's jealous and angry. I truly don't see mediation working with your WW anyway, because it seems that she's just not ready to cede anything to you willingly. It looks like rather than negotiate - you're going to have to fight for your rights instead. So that's where I'd send your next e-mail...to your solicitor.

She deserves a smack down! Send all sorts of mundane shit to her through her lawyer like questions about particular kids' medical appointments, cold medicines, etc. If she wants to pay for that, fine! And I'm a bitch so I'd slip in something about "what's this I hear about you bragging about having sex in front of the kids?" At the very least, that'd cause her lawyer to shit a brick at her.

As tempting as that is, it would result in a tit-for-tat situation and cost me money too. She is being bank rolled by POS whereas I am not.

Also, whilst she might be comfortable lying to her solicitor, I am not. It will bite her in the end, I hope.

She is clearly at peace with lying to everyone and does it without thinking now;

husband, children, family, friends, mediator and now solicitor. She'll be lying to POS next!

[This message edited by allatsea at 4:28 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

She'll be lying to POS next!

Ummmm Why assume she hasn't lied to him up till now? Just sayin'...

I said it tongue-in-cheek. Of course she's lying to him, too

Stop being Mr. Nice Guy. She will do nothing but try to drive you stark raving mad now. As I stated earlier, she knows deep down she fucked up a good thing with you and feels she has to make this work, because facing the truth is too painful for her. The goal is to make it as painful for you as possible now. For POSOM it's about winning. He's obviously the type who likes to compete, likes to win and gets a thrill out of romping through another man's rhubarb. But he is a business man and OM tend to do a cost/benefit analysis of their adulterous relationship. As long as it it cheap and easy sex they'll be in. As soon as it starts costing them something ( money, time, drama, opportunities with other women, etc) they're out.

My suggestion is a two-pronged approach. First, tell your solicitor that 'Christmas is over and BUSINESS is BUSINESS'. Go full bore towards divorce. Make it as quick as possible, even if it is messy. I know you want to spare and protect the kids, but your wife doesn't. If she gave a damn she wouldn't have done this in the first place. The sooner you get out the sooner you and the boys can begin the healing process. The second prong is to approach OM with the cost of his support of YOUR wife and her crazy making. I think you said somewhere along the line he is a business man. Fine. Approach him on a business level...dollars and cents. He may begin to see that what he is getting is not worn the trouble or cost he's incurring. Wouldn't it be easier to search for greener pastures? If you can stand it, meet him and just point it out. Tell him he's won. He can have your wife. You just want out. Now you might bristle at the thought of him winning, but what did he really win? A woman who would lie, betray and cheat on her husband and everyone who cares about her. IMHO winning her is no great victory and losing her is no great loss.

I think this two-pronged, full court press approach will pressure her to make some decisions fast, if only to save her own ass. Good luck.

Hateful,

I didn't think I was being Mr Nice Guy. I'm not doing anything that she would consider nice. I think it is because her distorted reality is not proving to be as easy as she'd hoped (me getting the holiday, children want to be with me, swimming pool incident, legal arguments etc) is why she is super angry at me right now. On top of that I'm sure she thought that they would ride off into the metaphorical sunset with my children and half of everything in their back pockets and that I would be happy for her that she had found true lurrve. WAKE UP, DEAR!!

Obviously I want to get this sorted ASAP and I've long(ish) since moved passed the point where I need or want her back. The ONLY thing that matters to me is good quality contact with my boys, which I'm getting. If she has chosen to completely cease communication with me then that's her problem. I have told her that she can send me as many solicitors letters as she wants but unless there is something contained within them that has legal or divorce issues which must be addressed, I will respond to her by email. In many ways it is far easier to move on when there is NC like this.

I suppose my one remaining concern is getting the house into my name. She just won't engage on the house transfer. I've offered her 50% of the value (independent valuations)and she wants more even though it's not worth more but still maintains she only wants 50%. Go figure.

I've been doing some reading on NPD. There is a type where the narcissism doesn't manifest itself in an obvious way until an event such as this. 'Character Trap' I think they call it, where narcissistic rage is prevalent. This is STBXWW to a Tee.

[This message edited by allatsea at 2:11 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]

But the reality of it is that in order to get necessary answers regarding the kids, finances, the house and anything else mundane, you're gonna have to do it through the solicitor. She won't speak to you.

Please understand that I was using a figure of speech. You are obviously a descent guy in a shitty situation Who trying like he'll to be descent to the mother of his children. That is admirable. But I liken it to if you were a boxer, fighting a fair fight against an opponent who is fighting dirty. It wouldn't pay to be descent to him in that situation. Likewise, I doesn't pay to be descent to her in this one. You've tried mediation, to save money and be amicable. She's not playing ball. Just go for the divorce, whatever it takes. She doesn't want to be reasonable, screw her. Fight dirty. Has time with the kids been mandated by a court? If not you, as their dad, can see them when you want. It's not up to her.

Also, I stress again, OM is eventually going to get sick of her bullshit. She will do her damnedest to keep things together and will put up with just about anything, even when he starts to cheat, which I think he will. By playing hard ball, you can help things along in that direction. I, in my situation, put up a facebook page and YouTube videos of OM in my situation. Very embarrassing for him and his family. I've taken them down on advice of counsel and for the sake of reconciliation, but they were effective in bringing things to a head.

There must be a million ways to screw with them. Get in touch with your inner bad boy. You'll be glad you did.

I have told the solicitor that I consider her actions to constitute 'unreasonable behaviour' which is not 'in the best interests of the kids' etc. The law in this country sucks that shit up.

I will fight, and am fighting hard for the divorce but I still won't respond through my solicitor to her proposals for ad hoc contact. An example:

She has stated in the last letter that she proposes I see them next week on Wednesday to Sunday. This used to be done via email. I replied in agreement via email. If she wants to spend hundreds of pounds doing this, she can. I cannot and will not.

If she sends a letter about the actual divorce and financial split, then I will fight her extremely hard and go into debt to do it. If she makes false accusations and claims then I will fight this even harder.

I have learned that fighting her harder pisses her off even more and she digs her heels in further.

My solicitor is on summer vacation and I'm seeing the boys enough for the next couple of weeks. I'm willing to wait a little bit before I really go for it.

I do appreciate your opinion on this. People who know me know that I'm a force to be reckoned with. I won't let myself down! You'll see.

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:29 AM, August 8th (Thursday)]

It looks like rather than negotiate - you're going to have to fight for your rights instead.

You've tried mediation, to save money and be amicable. She's not playing ball. Just go for the divorce, whatever it takes. She doesn't want to be reasonable, screw her.

^^^

This was part of my unfortunate narrative too, AAS, as you know.

My WW resisted divorce as she dangled hope and continued cake-eating (this is where our stories differ)

She demanded mediation instead of litigated divorce. I told her she is not a candidate for mediation. (She is irrational, selfish, unreasonable, uninformed, etc.). But I agreed to give it a shot to save money, time and stress.

Sure enough, at the first mediation she was...irrational, selfish, etc.

She cancelled the second mediation without even consulting me and tried to skirt the law regarding CS.

Bottom line: as we are both experiencing, much to our dismay, is that amicable negotiation is not possible with them. Given their actions that led to all this, it is not surprising.

They made their decisions that led to destruction, and now they want to dictate the terms of war. And war it must be. We must drop all our peace placards. Hopefully in the future the dust will settle after the divorce and we can lay down our swords and co parent properly and amicably.

But not for now.

We must always keep in mind what they have done. They dropped the bomb. We are just defending ourselves and reacting. I could deepen the analogy to real wars, but you get the idea.

In our pointless mediation session, my WW blurted, "I don't even want this divorce!" The mediator stared at her for a moment and then turned to me.

"Do you want this divorce?" She asked.

"It's not what I would have preferred," was my honest answer.

It's not what we would have preferred, AAS. Yesterday I cried as I watched my WW take my family from my home. But here we are. Let's just fight with our heads held high. But assume they will fight dirty and be ready.

Strength to us both.

Don't worry everybody.

I am strong and assertive in character and don't mind a bit of confrontation. I thrive on it once I've got my head in the game. She knows this. She is not my wife. She is an adversary. I am getting my ducks in a row and my solicitor is preparing a retort to her letter as we speak which lays out MY ground rules for interfacing from this point on.

I have numerous emails (copied to the solicitor) asking her to be amicable and communicate about children via email. Each one has been written in a way that makes her non-response look immature, petty and unreasonable. Each email has gone unanswered.

I wouldn't want to be her right now.

allatsea

keep up the good fight.

I hope you can drag her in front of a judge sooner rather than later.

I'm still finding it very odd that she has gone completely no contact. Absolutely nada. Nout. Not even an "ok" to a question about something simple.

I knew she was angry but this seems extreme as she is only going to make herself seem unreasonable and it will hurt the children indirectly.

Ideas?