SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

keep talking to the cat lady.. You need any friend you can use at this moment.

Don;t let the guilt stop you. You are not betraying anyone.

[This message edited by janxspirit at 11:51 AM, March 27th (Sunday)]

All people are imperfect and all marriages are flawed. That makes us human.

Her having an ongoing affair with this guy and leaving you continuously to go out clubbing like a college girl is 100% on her. Not your fault. Her choices, her deeds. Again not your fault. Stop taking blame and start taking action.

Tuesday is too late for the lawyer. First thing Monday morning.

Remember, formulate a plan of action and start taing some bold steps for yourself.

JM,

Any updates?

It's late Tuesday now and no updates from you.

Have you been pro-active and sought legal counsel on these issues?

I certainly hope that you have been working on a plan of action and taken decisive steps to protect yourself and your future custody with your kids.

All the best...

Spoke with the attorney at my AA meeting. He looked over the paperwork, and said it was standard stuff. We live in a "no-fault" state, so the affair is irrelevant. He said it's usually just a 50/50 split as far as the assets and dept.

I don't think my wife has hired an attorney. She doesn't want to waste the money, and the divorce/dissolution papers mention Mediation and a mediator several times.

He said even if it goes to mediation, I don't have to agree. He said he's gonna give me some phone numbers at the next meeting, other attorneys he knows that I might want to speak with.

And now for the weird part - when she went to California last month, she brought me back a Harley Davidson shirt. I always pick one up when I travel. This was post divorce talk.

When she got home with my daughters tonight, my daughter gave me a present, something they brought back with them. I asked who's idea was it (knowing she would say her and not my other daughter), she said "Moms".

So Friday she brings divorce papers home, she didn't file yet or give them to me, Saturday she texted after 3 weeks of no communication between us, to bring up an inside joke we used to have about visiting Costa Rica, Punta Cana, etc., and today she brings me back a gift.

Is any of this supposed to make sense?

[This message edited by JM72 at 1:24 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)]

Is any of this supposed to make sense?

It makes sense to her she is fucking with you.

I agree with Kimichi and Notanotherchance.

You need whatever friend you can get now including the catlady. You are isolating yourself which is not healthy.

yes she is fucking with you. You said you now know what you need to do (divorce) but she's going on lavish vacations with your kids, screwing other men and having the time of your life while you are still dragging your feet.

You have been advised over and over again to file for divorce and now she's still beating you to the punch there and all you can say is how much you still love her ?

I told you a while back, you need a gameplan and you need to execute it. You are falling behind, putting yourself in limbo and dragging your feet. You need to step it up a notch or five

So Friday she brings divorce papers home, she didn't file yet or give them to me, Saturday she texted after 3 weeks of no communication between us, to bring up an inside joke we used to have about visiting Costa Rica, Punta Cana, etc., and today she brings me back a gift.

In my experience it's one of...or both two things.

One she wants to "stay friends" this will make divorce easier for her...she isn't the bad guy for cheating because you still joke, text, and give gifts... so nothings really changed in her eyes.

She might still want to keep you as a plan B and be feeling you out for reactions. This doesn't mean she wants you back but she does still want you to want her back. She might have seen you slipping away and offered some CRUMBS to lure you back.

You have to remember these are crumbs shes not saying sorry, or remorseful, she is doing this for herself only, to make herself feel better and confuse you.

As long as she is able to keep you from filing,you're gonna be financially responsible for half her expenses.

Wouldn't you like a vacation at half price?

FILE

I am saying this as someone who cares:

You need to handle your responsibilities. Whether or not you love your wife, you need to engage in some basic self preservation.

Man up and start getting your life together. This shit sucks, but it will suck a lot worse if you end up with no money. You are a grown man, start planning for you and your children's future.

And text the cat lady.

Weatern, 5454, Notanotherchance, et al...I just flat out agree with them. Divorce is not about emotions, it's about BUSINESS and STRATEGY. She knows this so don't get caught up in trying to decipher her moves. Hold tight, stand firm, DO NOT get caught up in all that's being thrown at you in order to distract you.

I'd also advise to stop wasting your valuable time consluting with the lawyer friend from AA. Go vet a good lawyer and retain him/her. I wouldn't want you losing time, getting hung up on an attorney who really can't help you beyond what a basic Google search would net you in 30 minutes.

ETA: Get ahold of yourself and FILE.

[This message edited by CopiousTears at 8:32 AM, March 30th (Wednesday)]

I agree with everyone, you need to file like last week. And this is coming from someone who went thru a nasty divorce, but staying and doing the pick me dance is far more painful than a divorce.Gently at this point she doesn't respect you and is only stringing you along. You don't deserve this and it will only get worse. You want someone who cares about you and respects you. If she does come back by some miracle , do you think she will respect you . Unfortunately you are plan B.

Her bringing you gifts is just another example of her disordered thinking. Maybe she's partly in denial. Maybe it's guilt because she had a fit of nostalgia and somehow in her mind it made sense to bring you a t-shirt after ripping your heart out ( ). Maybe she wanted to look like a 'good guy' in front of the kids. Maybe it was purely manipulative.

Doesn't matter. As you say in your title, she's lost her marbles. Don't expect her actions to make sense. Please just keep moving forward and file.

I have to ask, what's the advantage of filing first?

If it's a no fault state, everything is 50/50, so we split everything 50/50. By law, I should be entitled to alimony and half her pension.

I don't or shouldn't lose any of these things whether I file first, second, or third, right?

As far as me "Maning up" or playing the "pick me dance", ummm, no. I haven't spoken or looked at her in 3 weeks. I deserve better then how she is treating me. It still hurts, but I don't show her. I continue to do what I'm supposed to do to get better.

what's the advantage of filing first?

By filing first, you are in the driver's seat.

You need to take over your life and get into that driver's seat. Get some control over what is going on. You've felt helpless enough.

By filing first, you are in the driver's seat.

You need to take over your life and get into that driver's seat. Get some control over what is going on. You've felt helpless enough.

This. You are in limbo right now. Filing moves the process forward. By you filing, you aren't sitting around waiting for HER to be ready to take the next step. Don't resign yourself to her timeline - make your own. It will be much more empowering than wondering if/when you are going to get served.

Dude, read my post AGAIN. Up to the day you file, you will be legally liable for any debt she incurs.

Does she like sports cars? What gifts are you helping her buy the OM?

Maybe, just maybe you can fight those things in court. However, all debt incurred prior to filing is assumed to be marital. BTDT, got the tee shirt.

Protect yourself

If it's a no fault state, everything is 50/50, so we split everything 50/50. By law, I should be entitled to alimony and half her pension.

I wanted to add something to this as well.

While, yes, you are in a 50/50 state, that doesn't mean this stuff just automatically comes to you. Do you think she is going to just hand you over alimony? No. You have to fight for what your rights are.

By filing first, you are in the driver's seat.

You need to take over your life and get into that driver's seat. Get some control over what is going on. You've felt helpless enough.

^^^ This

JM72 please do yourself a favour and re-read the first page of this thread!

And do not read anything into your WW's gift giving and sharing of the inside joke. She doesn't want to be the bad guy in her own mind. My WW did similar and I guess it's common behaviour but it was all very confusing for me at the time. I understand what you're going through but please become more proactive for your own good.

'It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped'.

Speaking with the lawyer at AA is good. But you need to officially retain legal representation.

Filing first may not provide any financial improvement. But it's the first step in taking control of the situation. Otherwise you'll be waiting and reacting to whatever she does. Remember that filing is not divorce. It's a clear message that these deeds will not be tolerated in your marriage.

Taking action is taking a stand.

Maybe she wants to see if you're going to fight for her.

Maybe she's testing the waters for you as plan B to fall back on.

Show her you are taking control. Show her this is truly legal business. Put things on your time table. File.