SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t know how far away your W will be moving. But in 2-3 years she could be on the other side of the world if she stays with the AP and he is relocated.

In my state my good friend had a wife who cheated and left him for AP. AP then was transferred to opposite coast. XW of my friend and her new H are moving. With his kids.

He said “hell no!” Waged an epic court battle. He won. His wife was barred from moving across the country. Her H moved. She stayed in our home state.

How very “wonderful” of your wife to assume she can just make unilateral decisions for you You are the father and you have some legal rights. Get a lawyer and assert them!!

Because in a few years you might see your daughter 30 days a year if she is living far away from you. And I’m sure that is not what you want.

Forward that to the military. Obviously he disobeyed a direct order. They take a real dim view of disobedience

I want to clarify one point - by "moving your daughter" you mean 50%?)

Yes, I mean 50%. She will be with me the other 50%, and the home she is planning to move to is a few miles away.

you might want to post a link to this thread in a post in the Separation/divorce forum. They should have more experience in this area.

Include information on where you are in the divorce process. Are you just waiting for your court date? You've been living apart for how many months? Does the decree say anything about cohabiting?

Glad to hear that you're doing better Casey though I understand also about the STBX's decision to move in with the OM.

I'm not sure how you're going to be able to delay your daughter moving in to the OM's house aside from supplying your proof of contact to the military as they requested. It's up to you as to which avenue (high road or truth road) is better for your situation. I do wish you the best though.

I also wanted you to know that I experienced the same results when my now ex was gone. I have more time to enjoy life and do the things I love to do. It's very freeing. I've found that my ex and the OM actually did me a favor. They gave me my freedom back. I'd buy him a beer but he's a real dirt-bag so, no I'm not going to do that.

Are you divorced yet? (From prior posts, I gathered that wouldn't be final until mid-June)

Why do you still have a banking account with her? Close that ASAP. The last thing you want is her overdrawing on an account with your name on it. It will fuck up your credit/ability to open bank accounts. Ask me how I know. Close anything joint NOW.

As for your kids not seeing OM/living there...You're going to be SOL on that one.

Unless you can demonstrate that the OM is an "imminent physical danger" to your kids (he's a drug dealer, abuses them/mom, etc.) the courts aren't going to dictate who she can/can't see/live with.

If you have joint custody, the courts (or you, if you agreed to joint custody) view you and your wife as reasonable adults who are capable of making decisions for and about your kids. Just because you don't like (some of) her decisions, doesn't mean you get a veto over hers. (Remember, the same works in reverse).

So, you are going to have to get used to her doing (legal) things with your kids that you may not like.

Also, it sounds like you are doing a "quickie" divorce. If you want to fight over custody, it will definitely drag things out, meaning a lot longer time to D and a lot more $.

Stop playing nice. Turn all your info into the military.

I am not an attorney. However, California requires at least a 45 day notice to move a child. Also, with 50/50 visitation WW may lose out depending on what is best for your daughter. This appears to be all about your wife's needs. I hope you have legal recourse to stop it.

The second issue is of the OM violating orders. Please evaluate your stance in this matter.

1) Reporting may give you the time and separation you need to have dds custody resolved before your wife makes the move so that an appropriate legal remedy that is in dds best interest can be achieved. The judge may look unfavorably on his failure to follow orders and not place DD in WW primary or 50/50 custody because it is not in her best interest.

2) His failure to follow orders demonstrates his lack of fidelity to duty and service to his country. This is wrong. I have strong opinions on such matters. I think his actions should be reported for this fact.

Final thought, I am concerned about the decision making of your wife. She has been with a guy for 2 days and is moving her daughter in with him. I hope his lack of fidelity to duty is not indicative of his fidelity to his additions to his household. I think your wife will face a dday based on his character and cheater/WW stats of success in new marriages.

I hope everything works out for the best for DD and she is placed in the best circumstances and adjusts well. I hope she gets to spend more time with you.

Agree with GoldenR.

Your marriage is over. Your priority needs to be your child. You want to be the main male role model in her life. You need to consider playing hardball ASAP starting with the military!

It's VERY common for adulterers to get busted down in rank (I saw it happen). It probably won't do him any favors in getting a desirable next post either. Make his life miserable, as it could make him go away.

you might want to post a link to this thread in a post in the Separation/divorce forum. They should have more experience in this area.

Include information on where you are in the divorce process. Are you just waiting for your court date? You've been living apart for how many months? Does the decree say anything about cohabiting?

Yes, thank you. I will get a thread going in that forum too. We are getting close to the end of the divorce process. We just need to agree on our final settlement and file the final paperwork with the court. We have agreed on everything, including division of assets, except for this issue regarding our daughter's living arrangement. But nothing has been signed yet. We've been living apart for more than six months now.

A lot of people are advocating for turning him in to the military. While I am still considering this, this is an important reason why I am in no hurry to finalize the divorce. As soon as it's final, the military no longer cares who the AP is involved with. I'm sure he is telling my wife that she needs to get it finalized before he comes back in Sept. She has been very insistent on trying to hurry things along. If he comes back and the divorce is not finalized, I can still report him if I don't like the way things are going with my daughter.

At this point, my daughter is my ONLY concern. I definitely would not ever take WW back, and R is completely out of the question. I despise that woman. So I have to ask myself, what will lead to the best outcome for my daughter? If WW and AP end up happily married and he is a positive role model in her life, I can only be happy about that. But right now there are so many unknowns, so I have to be very careful with how I proceed. Some of the risks as I see them are:

- AP could become bored with WW, and move on to his next woman/victim. This would cause more instability for my daughter. I think this is likely to happen at some point, but maybe not for a few years.

- WW could realize that she is in way over her head trying to manage a household of six, and she is miserable in her new life. I think this is also likely to happen, but WW is so stubborn and she cares a lot about what others think that she will not admit it to anyone and will be miserable as she tries to make it work.

- My daughter could be exposed to an unsafe and harmful environment. He is in the military, so he will have guns in the house. There might be alcohol and drugs in the house, or she might be exposed to people under the influence of drugs. AP has three kids (age 3, 6, and 9), so I hope this won't be the case, but I want to be cautious of this.

- AP could be abusive (emotionally or physically). But I have talked to AP's ex, who lived with him and helped care for his kids for two years, and I am reasonably confident this is not the case.

These are all situations I want to protect my daughter from, although I know in the long run I won't be able to keep her from him if WW and AP stay together. And maybe he will end up being great with her. But in the short term, my goal is to delay cohabitation and gradually ease her into the situation, just in case things implode quickly, and then I can keep her from being exposed to a lot of the instability and turmoil.

So, not to ramble, but would reporting him back to his commanding officer help achieve any of these goals? It could. But my sense is they are hellbent on being together, and I don't think it would cause him to go away. It might even unite them further against a "common enemy" (me). I agree it is possibly the right thing to do to hold him accountable for his actions. But just trying to consider all possible outcomes. I won't hesitate to play hardball if it will help my daughter!

I am concerned about the decision making of your wife. She has been with a guy for 2 days and is moving her daughter in with him. I hope his lack of fidelity to duty is not indicative of his fidelity to his additions to his household. I think your wife will face a dday based on his character and cheater/WW stats of success in new marriages.

Agreed. And the fact that all of her friends/family seem to unconcerned/complicit tells me that there are probably a lot of lies being told to a lot of people. Most likely, it will crash and burn without my help. But right now her decision-making is clearly clouded and is very concerning. Thanks for the encouragement

You want to be the main male role model in her life.

Yes! That is my goal. I think by showing her strong guidance and love, that is how she will see me, regardless of her relationship with any other male role models, including AP. She has grown very attached to me, and always cries whenever we have to part ways

[This message edited by CaseyA at 11:42 AM, June 5th (Tuesday)]

Casey

Your last post shows immense personal growth. Your wife shoved you down a shit-hole and you seem to be coming out of it smelling of roses.

IMHO your assessment is correct.

All along I haven’t really cared if you tell his command or not. I’m big on exposure but not so hot on revenge. To me it’s been more of an issue that I never expected telling his command to have any effect on the final outcome.

Based on your last post it sounds like you are one of those that survives infidelity.

While I am still considering this, this is an important reason why I am in no hurry to finalize the divorce. As soon as it's final, the military no longer cares who the AP is involved with. I'm sure he is telling my wife that she needs to get it finalized before he comes back in Sept. She has been very insistent on trying to hurry things along. If he comes back and the divorce is not finalized, I can still report him if I don't like the way things are going with my daughter.

These are all situations I want to protect my daughter from, although I know in the long run I won't be able to keep her from him if WW and AP stay together. And maybe he will end up being great with her. But in the short term, my goal is to delay cohabitation and gradually ease her into the situation, just in case things implode quickly, and then I can keep her from being exposed to a lot of the instability and turmoil.

You are still trying to control that which is out of your control. You want to delay your divorce so you can still control your WW's behaviors. Stop thinking you can use the military to control AP and WW. Why? Your marriage is over. Divorce and move on with your life.

Say WW and AP do break up. What about the next guy that comes along? Are you going to want to intervene (again) if she wants to cohabitate with him? or the next? and the next? and the next?

You are going to have to get your head wrapped around the fact that once you are divorced you no longer have any control over what your WW does (with or without your kid). Not that we really did in the first place.

Casey I think you’ve done a lot of critical thinking which is great.

Does your lawyer say if it’s legal to negotiate not reporting him in exchange for full custody?

I’m sure you’ve discussed this.

Way to go Casey!

I agree Casey that exposure to the military could create two enemies between you and your daughter so I'd recommend continuing with your plan of delay; using the Sept return as leverage to get what you want out of the agreement. As Sept gets closer and the pressure builds she should start caving in your favor. Good plan.

It sounds like, as with his ex, he's just looking for a babysitter for his kids. Statistically, they'll end up divorced in a couple years.

- AP could become bored with WW, and move on to his next woman/victim. This would cause more instability for my daughter. I think this is likely to happen at some point, but maybe not for a few years.

While that may happen, I think you should be more concerned with your STBXWW's shitty, selfish, decision making. The above may be the case but more likely he'll realize he made a big mistake getting tangled up with her. Then you have to worry about what type of loser your WW latches on to next.

Generational dysfunction is rarely considered when dealing with a shitty ex-spouse and forced to co-parent. Take a peek at the Wayward side and get a sense of the influences that lead adults to cheat. FOO issues everywhere.

wishing you peace

isitme24

Hi Casey,

I sent you a PM. I hope you get it.

Casey, I'm speaking as someone who's from a solid military family background + served myself.

The military doesn't especially give a crap about you, your wife, ap affair with your wife, or your child. Not their problem.

That said, military gave him a direct order to stop affair and go NC. Why? Because it was in best interests of the military. Its not a social program run by sjw, the military focus/rules/etc is ALL about what suits the military.

Military decided adultry wasn't good for its good order or hes a shit bird they already don't like or maybe they decided they don't want to deal with the mess or maybe the possible bad PR. Doesn't matter why they decided to tell him to stop, what matters so they told him to stop.

In the military there are no "suggestions" when a higher rank tells you something, even if couched politely as a suggestion its not. Its an order.

If there is ANY one thing the military gets real pissed about real fast is when an order, any order, is disobeyed.

Tell the military. Seriously. They won't care so much about the affair as much as they do he disobeyed them. They will hit him like the hammer of god.

When they do its possible he goes to the brig and probable he loses rank and a dead certainty his 'liberty' (aka he could confined to barracks or base).

When your wife gets ghosted by him, his career is in tatters, and he couldn't see her even if he wanted = solving issue of ww or divorced ww moving there.

IMO you should exploit that his command had a reason to tell him stop and he didn't. Obviously I am not you and whatever you decide I fully support you :)

[This message edited by william at 4:09 AM, June 7th (Thursday)]

I highly doubt AP is going anywhere, especially knowing that his prize has money. Him and his three kids will be supported by the whore and her parents; however, since Casey is technically still married, AP already fucked himself by disobeying a direct order. All Casey has to do is make a call to FGR since the unit is deployed and make a report. Or go to the Base. Since this is a serious allegation, you more than likely speak to the Commander or even higher, the Brigadeer. His Commadinf officer is more than likely a First Seargent First Class and they really have no pull. The people you want to talk to are the Commander of that Unit or the Brigadeer. Make your complaint and provide the proof that the douche refused to follow a direct order and now your child is being threatened to be taken away from you by their soldier. That you have reported this before and nothing was done and you will take it higher to your state Senator. He destroyed your marriage and now is advising your dim witted WW into taking your daughter away and living with someone that is financially unstable and possibly mentally unstable.

I ruined my cheating POS. I know the military (Army)... their rules. Some here think nothing will happen... that’s not the case for my son’s “father”.

Don’t let that witch punk you into taking your child to some stranger. He comes back September... my WH comes back in March... they were at Fort hood at the same time... and are deployed in the same country..: chances are I might know who it is...