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Casey, I would suggest asking in the divorce and separation forum for those recommendations.

BFF knows WW wasn't complaining a few months ago. She'll know when WW is miserable with OM. And whether she chooses to be supportive now or not, that morally will catch up to her and she'll ditch this friendship.

Casey,

These kinds of military gigolos find a new 'soulmate" whenever the newness wear off. Unfortunately, your stbxwife will become just another notch in his belt.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:17 PM, December 13th (Wednesday)]

ok Casey,

what is your plan forward ?

Casey

One mistake you and mom seem stuck in (hi mom!) is trying to “win” divorce.

Honestly Casey – nobody gives a f@ck as to why you two are divorcing.

You two aren’t’ being scored. There isn’t a gold-medal celebration later.

Your soon-to-be ex-wife has her friends, and they will probably remain her friends and either believe her story or not.

One of the consequences of D is the division of friends. Right now, your friends Jane and Jack are wondering whether to invite you or your ex-wife to next weekend’s party. One of you will lose out. That’s just the way it is and it’s fine. If it’s you that isn’t invited then it doesn’t mean Jane and Jack condone infidelity or are on your wife’s “side”. It simply means that Jane values her higher as a friend than Jack does you.

Don’t seek out conversations with her friends. If asked then yes – you are divorcing. If asked why then yes – it’s because you didn’t like her boyfriend. If confronted with a comment about your wife not having been happy then yes, you have been hearing about that lately, but you wish she had told you that while you were married and before she started having an affair. Other than that, don’t talk about it and DEFINITELY don’t send her friends details and e-mails. It only supports whatever negative claim your WW might make about you.

Bigger is correct. You are making her right about you.

Time will prove you right.

Take the time to work on you and your future.

The best revenge is to live well.

It is best to let her own friends and mutual friends come to you for your side of the story. It is best to let your WW act as wayward as possible in front of them all. They will see the truth for themselves, ESPECIALLY when she tries to parade the OM in front of them all, as if she had bought a new car and boasted about all the new features. That is when they will know the OM doesn't measure up to you at all and your WW seriously downgraded. Then when hey start talking to him in social settings they will realize he is either a manipulator and/or completely opposite of their clique and there must be some other reason she blew up her marriage for that guy. Eventually their curiosity gets the best of them and they will ping you for details, your version of events. This happened to me. This happened to a lot of us.

[This message edited by Jduff at 12:18 PM, December 15th (Friday)]

Jduff,

My thoughts exactly. You took the words right out of my mouth.

I took a different route about telling friends BUT our friend base may be a little different than others and a different situation.

My WW told a few of her friends that I was abusive (yelling) at her and that she wanted a separation. She told a few closer friends the same but also that she was seeing someone. Our friends are of a particular conservative mindset where there is never an appropriate time to cheat especially when you've been married over 10 years and have 4 young children. Anyway, those that she said she cheated, I approached myself after she confided to them and told them the truth that not only did she cheat with one but it was at least 6 that I could validate and that the one long term that started her in all this was a 2x convicted child molester whom she even tried to get an illicit photo of a minor for him. Like any separation and many infidelity issues, the man who didn't cheat is often blamed for abuse or some other stuff. A man raises his voice and its abuse, a woman does the same and she's expressing herself. LOL. It all has to be taken into context, past behavior, triggers etc... Well yes, I raised my voice, my wife was acting like a whore with a child molester, placing our children in harm and even tried to get photos of a minor in our church for that child molester and she still doesn't want to stop cheating and she won't move out of the house.... who wouldn't yell here and there lol.

Long story short, those that I presented the evidence too entrenched themselves against her telling her she needed to get her head on straight and grow up.

However, that could backfire in some cases. It did with me in ONE case which was her sister. She's super liberal and sided against men in general. That matched with blood is thicker than water, she never told her sister she was doing wrong.

I think you have to feel your way around the issue to see who is best to confide in and who isn't.

In today's world, marriages are about as disposable as a used condom.

You aren't making me feel as good as that other whore (man or woman) is so I'm leaving you and I'm going to make everyone else in our life pay for my childishness and lack of love and commitment.

[This message edited by H3LL0 at 10:55 AM, December 18th (Monday)]

Just wondering how you are doing Casey. Hope you and your family are doing well.

Hey CaseyA,

I hope things are going well and that you and your DD had a good holiday season. Prayers brother.

Hi friends,

Just checking in. Thanks for the messages of support. Sorry I have been MIA for a few weeks... I have been trying to keep my mind off the A as much as possible and stay focused on the 180, focusing on myself, and spending time with my daughter. I have been seeing a therapist once a week, which has been extremely helpful and comforting.

Since my last post, a few new developments... we have both filed our parts of the divorce papers, and I am working on my financial disclosures. I am all on track to have this thing finalized 6 months after I initially filed for D (which is the minimum in California). Only 5 months to go! I was pissed that she didn't check the box to change her last name, so I called her and let her know that was unacceptable. She said it was too much hassle to do all the name change stuff and she just wanted to keep my name, but I said I will not negotiate peacefully in our settlement agreement unless you agree to change your name in writing as part of that settlement... a name means a lot to my family (we are all about honor and tradition and commitment), and she no longer deserves that name. When I told her this, she agreed to change it.

Other than occasional contact about logistics like this and day to day interactions about our DD, my WW and I have been in very little contact. During those moments of extreme hate or sadness (which have become fewer and further between), I have refrained from contacting her at all. She is still in 100% fantasy land, and has shown no signs of remorse, or changes in her attitudes or behavior.

Although I have been mostly avoiding her in all ways, it is hard to not still snoop on a few things... most notably our shared bank account. I got my own checking account in my own name for all my money, but she foolishly did not bother to have me removed from her account. So I can still see all her spending. It was disappointing, but not surprising to see that her parents wrote her a blank check to cover expenses for this month, and my WW wrote the check for $2,000! No wonder she doesn't understand the meaning of consequences or accountability.

When I first looked at the phone records back when this all happened, I noted a one hour phone call she placed to a realtor in a town about an hour from where we live. When I looked at her checking account, I saw some charges just this week in that town (food, getting gas). That town also has a military base there. Definitely concerning that she may be planning a move there when the OM returns, but nothing I can do about that. If she goes there, then my daughter will be staying with me no matter what, and it may take attorneys to accomplish that. She will have to drive back here to see her on the weekends. I am completely speculating about this too, so I could be wrong.

I haven't heard much from the military yet, and I haven't heard any indication that they have confronted OM about anything yet. They did update me about a week and a half ago that they were still working on the investigation, so at least I know it is still on their radar. Maybe it is a complex/serious investigation with the potential fraud stuff and it is taking time... or maybe they just don't care that much. Who knows.

I just re-read this whole thread, which renewed my resolve to stay the course and keep moving forward toward getting out of infidelity. I am actually kind of excited now about the possibilities in my future. With the house to myself, I am gradually starting to see that I can actually be a more productive, happier, and healthier person without her. I have been eating healthier, watching less TV, reading more, etc... I may even try going on a casual date within the next couple weeks and just seeing how things go (too soon?).

I have no idea how I will feel if my WW ever changes her mind and tries to come back... I'm confident right now that I would never want her back, but I will only know for sure if and when that happens. I don't think it ever will, and I am proceeding as if it won't.

[This message edited by CaseyA at 12:11 AM, January 11th (Thursday)]

Good update Casey.

Although checking her account is tempting then be careful.

If your name is no longer on the account it could be viewed as an intrusion on privacy. Banks tend to have detailed logs of when and who checks in (ip numbers and such). It’s not a major risk, but I would try to stay away in your shoes.

Hi, Casey, glad you are checking in.

Please don't date UNTIL your divorce is finalized.

As a matter of fact, I don't think it's a good idea to date even then until you have moved forward emotionally. You might just be using other women, it's not fair to them.

What does your IC say about this?

If you check out the New Beginnings forum, you will find threads from members who dated too soon.

Please make sure your custody papers are worded so your wife can’t move your daughter more than a certain mileage from you.

 I may even try going on a casual date within the next couple weeks and just seeing how things go (too soon?)

Call it more like a socializing opportunity. You should get out and about, mingle with folks, participate in good conversation. Just make it clear to the woman that you aren't looking to date just yet but would like some company and engage with an adult other than family and friends. It goes without saying but definitely don't introduce any of them to your daughter during D process.

As for the situation with the military? No longer your problem. You've done your part and it's been set into motion. No more "what if's" or "woulda, shoulda, coulda.." because that box has been checked and you can now divert all your resources and energy moving forward.

She said it was too much hassle to do all the name change stuff and she just wanted to keep my name

Hassle? Bullshit. It could be done easily as part of the D process. She just needs to fill out the name change form and the court will get that ball rolling for her soon as the D finalized. Her lawyer can instruct her on how. My XW wanted to keep my last name because she is also a teacher for over 20yrs and she has former students visit her and they know her as Mrs "Jduff". I pushed the last name issue with her as well but used it as leverage during mediation and let her keep it.

You're doing great and making progress, Casey. Keep on it and the better days will come sooner than you think.

I just got an email from the military that they have given him a direct order to end the relationship, and asking me to send them evidence if there is any additional contact from this point forward...

So now, either (1) he will end the relationship, or (2) they will take the relationship further underground, or maybe put it on hold until D is final. It will be interesting to see what happens next... I have some options, and it really depends on what I want. Most of all, I want to move forward peacefully and successfully in life without WW, but I would also love to see her ass dumped. I know, maybe not the healthiest mindset, but I can't help it. I want her to get a small taste of what this feels like.

It’s a very healthy mindset. She did you wrong and you have the fortitude to know that it’s wrong.

What wouldn’t be healthy is if you were doing a bunch of weird stuff to make that happen, but all you’re doing now is exercising your rights as a law-abiding citizen.

That is good news about the military decision...

Any thing to help knock her out of unicorn land is probably a positive.

Focus on yourself now, there’s not a lot more you can do for her.

We are all rooting for you.

I just got an email from the military that they have given him a direct order to end the relationship

Lol.

Wait for it...., wait for it....

I expect you will be getting a call or text at any time, from one pissed off wayward wife.