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Didnt you end it because of this crap; his game playing. His putting you down and then playing huggy kissy.

From your last post it seems to me you are still caught in his web. You are communicating with him. Yes, he is going to say there are things left unsaid for him because this abusive control freak ahole feels he can still lure you in. Look, he is dating someone new (the poor woman) and he is still grabbing for you. He still has you in his web. Get out. Do not respond to him. Do not communicate with him. Nothing. Dont even give him crickets. Give him dead silence.

suspicious247 - after 5 months of NC you opened the door wide open.

He doesn't want closure, he wants the last word, he wants you as a back up. He wants to know that he still gets to you.

Pick up your stuff and move on. You know that you are healthier and better without him, please dont let him Hoover you back into his crappy little life.

Boy I guess I did open a floodgate. I'm going radio silent again. This is the last text I got from him. I think there's a nice person in there who's going to leave me alone now.

my reaching out to you was precipitated by running into you on Saturday night. But in all honesty, I have been keeping myself from reaching out to you the past few months because I thought that's what you wanted. I haven't heard a word from you in response to any texts or voicemails I had sent and i figured that you would reach out, if ever, when you were ready to do so.

Then Saturday night happened and a whole wave of emotions and life experiences flashed in front of my eyes. My entire demeanor changed from earlier and I was a wreck for the rest of the night.

I understand you not wanting to talk at this time and I respect that. And I also understand you saying that I wouldn't want to find myself in a situation like what turned our relationship sour in the beginning. However, I am just not ready to devote myself, my heart, my mind to any new relationship. I am honest and upfront about that and seeing you (well actually only sensing your presence because I didn't even see your face) only further emphasized those feelings. I'm just not over it, I guess, and I don't know how long it will take. I haven't been able to move on.

I hope you take care of yourself as well. It really is a tragedy that things took this direction with us. I find myself unable to not think of or see something that reminds me of you every day or every couple of days. I do plan on continuing to write things down because it has been therapeutic for me. And even though I haven't gone back and read any of it, one day (when I have lots of time:) I think I will. Hopefully it will show some personal development through the months, or at least some peace.

You deserve Peace, happiness, love, a family, a good man, everything you have ever wished for or wanted you deserve. I haven't met anyone in my life who has a bigger heart than you do. I hope and pray to God that you find your happiness. And who knows, maybe our paths will cross again and things will align. With love - wexbf

Nice? Suspicious, Seriously?!

Let us please go back to this time you saw him.

He has a new female, right? Who walked in the door first, her or him? It was him, right? His behavior, you said, was if he didnt know this woman he was dating. Friend, girlfriend, family, a woman coming in the door at the same time as him, a nice person would have held the door open for her. He wouldnt have acted as if he didnt know her.

A nice guy doesnt date, doesnt have a woman sitting on his lap then try and turn you into an ow.

Trust me, he isnt nice. He is acting. He would in an instant treat you like what you wrote months ago.

The last emails were all a ruse.

Silence. Deafening silence.

I think there's a nice person in there who's going to leave me alone now.

Ha!

He isn't *nice*...he's a creepy creep who knows the exact right buttons to push and tone to use to keep you *engaged*.

Get whatever shit of yours that is still in his possession away from him ASAP and put him in your rear-view mirror.....and as a little *helper*, you can re-read that message he sent you, specifically that middle part that talks about how he hasn't moved on, doesn't want another relationship, blahblah...and insert "except for that chicky that was all over you last weekend" at the end of every sentence so that you can reinforce to yourself that he is an emotionally unhealthy nut.

He said in a seperate text that he told her that very night he wasn't over me and they haven't spoken since. He actually said he reinforced it, as if to say he was up front about it to begin with. He said he was in a good mood up until the time he sensed my prescence I(since he never actually sa my face) and then was a wreck for the rest of the night.

I would post the text but I get the suspicion that everyone is sick of reading our shit. I may post it anyway to have this all in one place, this has turned into a journal/diary of sorts for me.

Old habits die hard - and I verified it is in fact true they have not spoken since that night. Poor girl. I know what it's like and it's an awful feeling knwoing the person you are interested in is interested in someone else. She's probably having rough time . But if what he said was true, and he warned her up front, then her bad.

Girls really need to listen when a man says who he is. Myself included

The thing is that you opened the door to him finding the words to wiggle back into your life.

All that you should have texted/sent him back was that you will be at the place at X to pick up things.

And the thing about closure is that sometimes, you don't get it. Sometimes opening the door to put things to rest is worse then leaving the door closed.

And we are not sick of hearing about it, but we find that this has become quite a circular conversation, so when you break NC again, you just get the same answers you got back on page 1.

And i have to agree that this man is not really nice.

He's personable, he's got the ability to break through guards, but he uses that to get what he wants, not to actually be nice.

Yup, welcome to the cycle of abuse where they become "nice!!" and they are "regretful" and they try to achieve "personal growth" and in closing they wish "only the best for you". Then they go sniff sniff. If only. They often use the word "tragedy" to make it sound like they were a victim. If abusive control freaks like him didn't have this mask, no woman would ever date them.

He said in a seperate text that he told her that very night he wasn't over me and they haven't spoken since. He actually said he reinforced it, as if to say he was up front about it to begin with. He said he was in a good mood up until the time he sensed my prescence I(since he never actually sa my face) and then was a wreck for the rest of the night.

Oh whatever. Sensed your presence? He just "saw you". There's nothing magical fairy unicorn hearts about recognizing an ex sitting in a club. And of course it bummed him out! You're not under his control! A mere year ago, he had the pleasure of forcing and bullying you into admitting that you boiled water "wrong", and now here you are reminding him that you live your own life without him. Of course that made him mad! He doesn't want you to be happy. He wants you to be under his control.

Old habits die hard - and I verified it is in fact true they have not spoken since that night. Poor girl. I know what it's like and it's an awful feeling knwoing the person you are interested in is interested in someone else. She's probably having rough time . But if what he said was true, and he warned her up front, then her bad

.

How the heck did you "verify" that he hasn't talked to her? Are you following him? Bugging his phone? Come on, susp, snap out of it! I'm assuming you've been checking his facebook if you've seen pictures of his new girlfriend. Why are you doing this?

And yes I'm certain he's held a phantom ex girlfriend over his new girlfriend's head - I'm sure it's not really YOU he's been using to make her feel like crap about herself. Because remember how he didn't like you? How you didn't take care of yourself, couldn't boil water, weren't smart or even entitled to your own opinion? Remember that's how he felt about you? And told you, at length, every chance he got?

[This message edited by circe at 8:16 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

He said in a seperate text that he told her that very night he wasn't over me and they haven't spoken since.

Who the f' cares. Why haven't you blocked him?

Yep you're all right and I know it. Everytime I have a tinge of doubt or nostalgia I snap out of it by reminding myself that he is a lair. Plain and simple.

I work in telecommunications. I'm not tapping or stalking. It's an easy lookup for me, but I know I shouldn't care enough to look but what can I say, I did.

I realize this is all the "nice" phase and he's trying to remind me how great we were when we weren't fighting. But I remind myself that I don't want to be someone who's proven themselves capable of all these things. I don't care how much "growth" he's had. That person is still in there. He said he never went to counseling because I didn't respond. And I said don't you see how it shows that you think I'm the problem in the relationship if I'm the only one that needs counseling? His mom was telling him basically what to do and think at that time.

It's been good to clear the air, But I'm never going back. As much as I want to be with the nice person in there. I deserve more. I deserve to trust wholeheartedly again.

The Facebook picture, It's not on his page. Or anyone I know. I'm just too good at this detective stuff. I know I shouldn't be looking. But it put a fire in me to date again.

Going out tonight hoping to meet someone.

I met a Harvard grad orthopedic surgeon who was very taken with me. But he showed early signs of control by touching me more than I was comfortable with, and "Talking back" to me when I Pointed out that he forgot my name twice. Too bad, almost there . Even the Harvard grads can be assholes it's amazing how pervasive it is.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 3:24 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Circe you make me laugh. You are one smart cookie. Well all of you are, that's what keeps me coming back. The collective wisdom on here is astounding and better than 5 yrs with a therapist. Love SI!!!!!

susp, I have to apologize - re-reading my last post I realize I sounded snarky and harsh toward you, when in my head I was actually feeling protective on your behalf! I'm sorry that didn't translate.

I know I've written a few times that I had an ex like that, and my friends were instrumental in helping me to detox from that relationship. It was tough. My ex went on to marry another woman that was in our social circle at the time, and over the years I've heard stories through mutual friends about her withdrawal from friends and family, and it has always made me so angry on her behalf. People who control and suck life and happiness out of others really take something special and personal away. I just hate to see that happen.

He said he was in a good mood up until the time he sensed my prescence I(since he never actually sa my face)

Yup, with Circe I call b.s. on this. He's trying to get you to believe you two have some mystical connection. MrH says crap like this too. Right when I call he was about to call. It's ridiculous.

If you were connected that closely he wouldn't be a raging self-centered egomaniac. He would've connected to your pain when you were fighting for the relationship. Instead he let you hurt and cry out for help. Nothing until you began to pull away and HE was affected.

Just look at that quote above. Even if it was true, it was all about poor widdle him. His night was ruined because he brushed against your aura. Yeah, he may have dumped the girl, but did he show compassion for what she might have had to deal with while being on a date with a suddenly petulant toddler?

She got off easy. At least she wasn't sucked into his gravitational pull like you are. Unless she picks another Ozymandias to date next time, she is the best off out of the three of you.

Actually the four...or five...or whatever of you. Because I don't believe for a moment that he doesn't have other potential girlfriends flying a holding pattern around him.

HollyI- I agree wholeheartedly with your entire post, especially the last paragraph. I wasn't born yesterday.

And Circe you didn't sound snarky to me. Your posts always make so much sense and make me laugh in the process. That's an incredible gift!

This looking for "closure" bullshit is exactly how WH's EA/PA started with his Ex-W. He felt like they should talk to work through the end of their relationship/marriage (she was a junkie who decided she liked smack and fucking random guys to get it more than being married to you!).

Fucked up thinking. That's what that is.

Run. Do not walk. Run from this doucheweasel as fast as you can.

I am not ever going back. I'm the happiest I've been since I met him.

There are many signs that show how bad we were, but the above is the most important to me. It was a long road, is a long road. I have my off days but its written all over my face. Everyone says so

Just wanted to give a little update And clear my head at the same time.

Yes we have spoken here and there by text. Five months of no contact out the window. I told him we need to stop talking and he went crazy trying to call and change my mind. I told him he needed help. And to seek counseling. His response to that is he would never tell somebody that they needed help. And that I'm acting "holier than thou". So in response to that I finally spoke my truth. Text string below starting with me.

You were emotionally abusive to me. Without a doubt. And I don't want you to do it again because I want you to have a happy fulfilling life. Full of love and companionship. I've read at least 15 books on the subject bc I didn't want to believe it. But what we had is textbook. If you read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft , I associated so well with that book I cried enough tears to fill the pacific. I read it at least 7 times i had no idea it was happening to me. But the silent treatments, never taking accountability, lies, turning the tables to make everything my fault, yelling at me and making me wish you'd hit me instead, being secretive, discounting my opinions and feelings . It's all text book . emotionally abusive. I know telling you this will get me absolutely nowhere. Bc you won't believe it but I have to reveal MY truth . There I said it

And no it did not happen every day or every week or month for that matter. But the scars from emotional abuse hurt worse than physical. They did a study on physically abused women and they unanimously said the emotional was more damaging. So even if you punched me in the face every three months it's still wrong, and deliberate, and repetitive . It's not like I'm taking an isolated incident. We had something that fell under that category at least once a month and that is being generous. I know you are probably calling me all kinds of names and telling yourself that I am delusional. I'm ok with that. I just hope one day, even if its many many years from now this will help.

Him

Ok. Then why on Gods green earth would you want anything to do with me if that's what you believe?

I'm sorry you felt that I was all those things. And I'm sorry that communicating with me now is causing all these feelings to come out again. You deserve to be happy, treated with respect, and not emotionally abused. I'm sorry for treating you in a manner you felt was inappropriate and abusive. I hope you can forgive me for that sometime in the future.

I wish you didn't have all these horrible opinions of me and our relationship. I wish things were different and we could have given each other what we both needed. Its really sad that we ever got to this point where we feel disrespected. Maybe one day it will become clear why things happened the way did. We don't have the answers right now, and maybe we never will. Maybe we will always be "what could have been." As sad as it is to think or write that.

You really really really deserve a man who is not going to make you feel like i did. I wish I could have been that one, but I think I caused too much damage to your view of me. Thank you for everything. And thank you for sticking through a lot of the bad times and trying to make it work with me. I never thought we were beyond fixable. Maybe it was just my wishful thinking and arrogance. I'll always reminisce about the good times. Seems like that's the only memories I seem to remember anyway:)

Me

Because I like to hurt myself and because I loved you more than I ever thought possible. And still to this day. We had great times and the bad times go more into the background as I've said before. Thank you for saying that and yes I wish things were different too.

And that my friends I believe is the end of the story. He doesn't think he's abusive he thinks I'm über Sensitive. I really did it because I do care about him and I wanted to help. And I wanted to finally speak my truth because I had never told him that in black-and-white. And maybe one day 10/20 years from now you'll think back on this and it will Help.

I know you guys are probably going to rip me a new one for even talking to him. I guess I'm naive in the sense that I feel like I can help.

I do not think I'll be hearing from him again. Thanks again to everyone who responded and read and kept up with my story. I couldn't of done this without you guys. And as always everyone is right. 100% of the time. Good luck to all of you I hope we can all find our happiness. And if I can be of any help to anyone please don't hesitate to reach out to me.

((((suspi))))

For goodness' sake, STOP TALKING TO THIS ASSHOLE!!!!!!

No irl meeting.

No phone calls.

No texts.

No explaining.

Get back on the NC horse. This guy is creepy.

((((suspi))))

Suspicious, I didnt read your full post, but I have a question: dont you find jt really freaky that you told him 'take a walk, dude' and he is literally fighting you to take him back AND insulting you at the same time. From a person who is dealing with abuse, that is clear out abuse. His behavior gives me the willies, which isnt easy.

Why are you even realonding to him? What are you getting from all of this back and forth?

Block the creep as of a week ago.

Not only that sully he's also DATING TWO "WOMEN" while begging me back. I really don't think I will hear from him anymore because of his pride and inability to face the truth. I think on some deep level (a subconscious one) he knows I am right. And he wants to start over with someone who doesn't know his tricks and trusts him "emphatically". Just like he likes. And the girls are lapping it up. Apparently he told one of them he's still in love with me ( the one he was with when we saw each other) and she said to contact her if he changes his mind. Which I'm sure he did the minute I sent that text. I'm embarrassed to be a woman. These girls are so desperate for a good looking charming "single" millionaire it's shocking. Willing to take second best. I'd be gone so fast the man wouldn't know what hit him if he told me that. Never to be heard from again. Maybe he knew that and is why he lied to frequently. He KNEW he had to or I would have been out of there. And now he has lost me for good and has to live with losing his "once in a lifetime soulmate" because of his own actions. For the rest of his life. I get to be happy at some point. He unfortunately does not. And that does make me sad, I can admit that .

I didn't think he was beig abusive for this latest round until he told me I was rude and acting holier than thou for just pleading with him to get help.

I am really done guys. I see things for what they really are. I'm not living in a fantasy anymore. Unlike him