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(((AAS))))

Maybe next year you'll have someone who really appreciates you in that now-empty chair.

Hang in there AAS. This is a new experience for you...being on holiday w/o WW. It will get better. Just hold on to the FACT that this destruction is not ANY of you doing. It's all on her!

We are hanging with you AllatSea. Pat yourself on the back (literally, I did) when you don't think of her or miss her. Little by little, you see the scale shift. I know it's scary to let go. That's why baby steps. You can grab it back anytime.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Enjoy your holiday as best you can. Cyber hugs ((AllatSea)) hang in there. Every day is a new one & every moment too.

(((allatsea))) I just want you to know that it does get better. Every birthday, every anniversary , every holiday, every time I faced a new challenge alone I thought "how will I survive this?" It has not been easy, but I have survived. I have learned many lessons along the way, I cried a trillion tears, and have come out the other end of the tunnel knowing who I am with my integrity intact. So will you. FR

Thank you, everyone.

The holiday is tough, mostly in the evenings when Ww and I would spend time with each other, sharing wine, reading, talking and making love. I think of her right now with 10 days to spend with pos. Living like a romantic couple with no commitments. Perfect for him. Lots of attention and sex

allatsea, I'm not so sure your vision of your WW's next 9 days is quite as accurate and rosy as you think. You've said she's a good mum - that she's never been away from the boys more than 2 nights before - well now they are on holiday without her. Unless she's a total robot that has to be affecting her.

Rather than sitting in romantic bliss, I think she's more likely wishing these next 9 days away - not reveling in the luxury of them.

She's probably got a whole mixture of feelings going on: jealousy that you are having fun with the boys and that they are building memories without her in them, sadness that she's missing seeing their smiling faces as they experience this holiday, and a whole lot of anger at what I think must be the growing realisation in her that you are *not* going to just 'disappear' and let her and pos ride off into the sunset with your kids in tow.

POS is either joining her in her resentment that you've 'won' this holiday time with your boys and plotting their revenge against you, or he'll be getting irritated that her mood is not better. Doesn't sound much like the best emotional ingredients for a romantic break to me.

So let her GO from your mind allatsea. Stop concentrating on HER and start concentrating on YOU. When you start to miss her try to remember that it is her CHOICE not to be there. If she were there, she wouldn't be the woman you are imagining - that's just an illusion. Who you would truly have sitting there with you would be the woman with all those hidden resentments against you.

So once again, try to STOP thinking about HER and start thinking about YOU. I know it's hard, but don't let thoughts of what SHE is doing impinge on this time you have with your boys. When she comes into your mind try hard put her OUT of it - write to us instead like you've been doing.

You sound like a great Dad and a nice man allatsea, if she can't see that, then there are plenty of other ladies out there who will, and one day you WILL have a companion on these holidays again to share time with you and your sons - and it will be someone who appreciates it. Plan for that future instead in the lonely evenings. Work on imagining that instead of imagining the past and if you feel the need to message your WW come here, where you'll be listened to and supported instead of knocked back down. I know it's a lot easier said than done but keep taking those baby steps one at a time. You're doing great so far, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Go make some NEW memories. You and your boys are in my thoughts.

(((allatsea)))

Hi, AAS,

In relating this I am not trying to gloat or take pleasure in my STBXWWs probable pain. On the other hand, I can't say I feel sorry for her. I'm not there yet. (Right now I am still just pissed.)

Last night I had the kids. They had a bunch of their friends over for a "chocolate party." (I have a chocolate fountain, we dipped stuff in it...) they watched a movie, swam, and had a great time.

My wife was in her apartment alone. I always know this because she texts me frequently. In other words, she was not at the OMs or with him. She is sitting in her apartment. Alone. With no family.

All day long my kids had not asked about her or said they missed her. (This was the sixth day they'd been with me.).

When she called them to say goodnight, neither wanted to talk to her. Not out of anger; they were just indifferent. I finally persuaded my DS to talk, and she gave a quick "goodnight mommy love you" before going back to the movie. She literally hung up on my wife in mid sentence.

Their best memories are being primarily forged with us. Our wives willfully removed themselves from our warm worlds. They are not cavorting carefree with their paramours. They are unhappy and they miss us; you can be sure of that. They are broken.

I fully believe AAS that someday--and sooner than we think--we will both look over and sitting in a new chair by our side will be a kind, loving, loyal woman--our true soulmate.

We will think wistfully of our ex's now and then, but then forget them as we make new memories with our new loves, who deserve us.

Our ex's, though, will be figuratively peering into our loving homes from outside in the cold, wondering how and why they fucked up so badly.

The end.

In my lowest moments I nearly convince myself that this next text will be the one that makes her realise, but then I stop dreaming.

^^^^^^^

This is what is hard to understand, but once you "get" it, it will make your days so much easier to get thru..

A normal person you can talk to, our WS only see actions. That is why the 180 is so important. In all our interactions with them, we have to appear STRONG -- really strong. ***and you did that at the mediator's office***YAY***and the mediator was right with you on that!!!*** As much of a crybaby as our WSs are, IF their brain ever works normally again, they will see that we stayed in reality while they slipped into an abyss.

I was muddling thru everything the 1st year, this year, year 2 since DDay, I am finally starting to understand that my sons and I are not going to have the life I dreamed of, but I am going to make sure they have a damned good life. I signed my son up for a band camp - ws would have NEVER let that happen! My other son and I went for a tour of another city and rode Segways. I didn't even miss my Wh, because I realized if he were still married to me, he would be hitting on all the women on the tour with us. That's who he really is....

It does get better. And FYI, someone I know had lunch with the OW recently. OW told this lady that she is MISERABLE. She realizes now she doesn't love my WS, and thinks he is stupid. She still loves her H, and she is sleeping with another married man on the side! So even though they ALWAYS look so damn happy, etc when I see them, I think I got pretty close to the truth from the lips of the OW.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:09 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

I like the responses you are getting. There is a great deal of insight going on. I didn't read this but there is another side for you to consider that I feel and hope will allow you to enjoy your time with the boys. You said she's a basically good mom and hasn't been without the boys for more than 2 days. Well now she's got 10 days of phony life to spend

with just her and OM. The boys were able to allow her 'mini breaks' from OM if things got to be too much. When the real him started to show itself she could run to the kids. When he got tired of running his act of KISA he could send her to the kids. Being as full of shit as they both seem to be is they needed the boys as a distraction from the reality they've created. All they have for the next 10 days is each other. I could be wrong but I don't think I am and it probably sucks to be them right now.

Bottom line...focus on you and the boys and the great time you're going to have.

[This message edited by hatefulnow at 7:55 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

AAS

I just wanted to let you know I understand.

My WS has been a great dad for the most part and watching him interact with kids before we were married is what attracted me to him in the first place.

It is a horrific sense of loss and grief to know that we will never be that family unit again.

I was in bed this morning thinking of going to my 15 year olds graduation in 3 years, knowing my WS won't be there to hold hands with me and look on my DS in pride. We may sit together (by then it may be ok), but with separate lives. That is hard to swallow.

But dammit, I am worth more and my kids are worth more than this person who inflicted all this pain on us. Both my 15 and 14 year old know that he had an affair and they know the woman he did it with.

Although my WS is now out of the fog and 2 weeks NC, I believe I've come to the realization that the A was a dealbreaker for me and I have an appointment on Monday with my attorney.

I was divorced before (very young), so I feel I know what is ahead of me, but that does not stop the bitterness, pain, regret and worry.

I do know that I will get through it. I know that.

You know you will too. I can see from your posts that you have a steel core. Sometimes that core must be tempered in more fire and that's the fire you must now walk through.

Someday she may regret what she's done, or only regret what she's lost (they are 2 different things). Remember that she could not accept the gifts you had to offer at the time you offered them.

Rejection is so, so hard to handle, especially when we understand how good things could really be (and were!).

I have the solace that my WS is sitting at home alone, that he's lost all but 2 of his friends, his family including his FOO is unbearably disappointed in him. His own children call him a man-ho and an idiot ( I squash that when I hear it).Everyone in this small town knows and understand that he started the fire that engulfed our lives.

I miss him almost every minute of the day. I've been by his side for 18 years-half my life. When I miss him I force myself to remember, not the man I married, but the man who put that flame to my heart and tempered my steel core. I have to be strong for myself, and my children.

I don't know you well, but I know already you have that in you. Confidence in what you can achieve alone is key here. You are worthy of self love, happiness and satisfaction in life.

She can't give that to you, it's something you must find yourself. Once you're a whole person you can offer that to someone else if you wish.

I know I am rambling. I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain.

I am in the middle of reading the book " Spiritual Divorce". I'm not religious, but it has a lot of good sentiments in it that I have highlighted and come back to again and again.

Another good book is "How to stop worrying and start living" (something like that). It's old, but good. It helps you focus on each day and how to simply put one foot in front of the other.

I am filing to get off this roller coaster but the truth is, I will be in this "amusement park of terror" for a long, long time. At least I know, and you know, that you are not alone.

((((hugs))))

Thank you so much for your posts. Thank you for taking the time to write such supportive words.

It baffles me as to how they can continue down their chosen path if they are feeling and experiencing these thoughts? She surely knows that this is all of her doing but continues regardless?. I would have so much regret that I would want to invent a time machine. I would have snapped out of my fog months ago and be fighting until a drew my last breath to get my family back.

^^^^^

aas

This is why you would NEVER be a WS! You do not have the make up to go down that road. And that is the best thing.

As hard as it is, you need to focus on YOU and your kids. Don't waste your thoughts on what she is/isn't doing/ thinking. She made her choices.

And now it's your turn to have the best life you can.

You are doing amazing, keep it up.

Sending strength, aas.

[This message edited by still2suspicious at 12:32 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Had a wonderful day with the boys today and they haven't mentioned mummy since we got here. I've had a few tearful moments where I looked at the boys and thought 'ooh, I must tell Ww about that' and then realised I won't be sharing anything with her. We, as a family, came to this region of France last year as my mother lives here and there are so many triggers. I recall the holiday with much fondness and absolutely know 100% that she was very happy with her marriage and life. We got on great and were very intimate. Two months later she was in an EA quickly followed by a PA. I am still in shock.

Stop trying to understand your wife.

She is a selfish person. As selfish as they come

Yep. Sometimes it's no more complicated than that. A selfish person acting selfishly, damn the consequences to others. Wish you the best AAS.

hey AAS, will throw in my two cents worth...the first time away was awful, I kept thinking of STBXH....miss 10 said mum snap out of it & listen to me real good. If dad were here we wouldn't be doing half of this you would be tending to his demands...now we get to have fun....AND do you know what...the beautiful girl was right. We had fun, with lots of belly laughs. We have new memories, so will you. Cyber hugs everyone......

[This message edited by scrambled2 at 10:04 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]

We are actually having a good time. The boys don't seem to miss having both of us together. Mummy called today and they were happy to hear from her but not homesick as I thought they might be. They tell me that they are having a perfect holiday but I actually feel sad for Ww for missing out in the experiences the boys are having. It then makes me realise that I am missing out on their experiences when they are with mummy and 'super step dad'. I'm paraphrasing but that is how she portrays him. I would give anything for her to make the effort to turn up out of the blue and commit to her family and the work needed to make this right. I wonder if the thought even crosses her mind?

Originally posted by AllAtSea: 5:32 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013:

I don't think I could ever have her back. Too much said and too many nasty things done by her. In mediation the marital rewrite continued and her dictats about the visitation continue

Originally posted by AllAtSea: 4:13 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013:

I would give anything for her to make the effort to turn up out of the blue and commit to her family and the work needed to make this right. I wonder if the thought even crosses her mind?

Confusing.

Richie,

A rollercoaster of emotions? I couldn't actually tell you how I would react to something which is hypothetical at best. Most of the time I just want to feel vindicated and hear her renounce all of the bile and lies she's ever professed and other days I want my family reunited.

I want her to hurt like I do. I want to hear it and see it.

AllAtSea - yeah I know exactly what you mean - I didnt want to sound like I was pointing the finger with a quizzical look on my face.

Ive been through this a lot: when Im on my own and I think of the good times, I desperately want my wife back...

Just try to be foccussed as you can because it sounds like she's pushing buttons and waiting for you to slip up or make some drastic decision which she and her OM can take advantage of...?

Richie,

That's how it did look but I didn't take offence. My emotions are all over the place and I switch from hating her to loving her every few hours