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WW doesnt go out. All of the cheating was at work. She goes to work and comes home, asleep on the couch by 9-10pm. Even on weekends if she goes to the store, she'll take one or both of the girls, or we'll all go.

Not sure how to prove I'm not abusive, aside from my girls as a witness. I will try to keep an extra VAR available, but can;t she just say I freaked out at another time that wasn't recorded? I can't imagine a judge listening to thousands of hours of recordings, unless I'm just documenting times when we're discussing things and it shows I'm calm, while maybe she's angry?

I don't have any friends in my area. they are all over an hour away, in the city. i have to be careful who i ask for lawyer referrals because all parents around here gossip. i only know one or two who have been divorced, and their kids are in classes with my kids. So far, I've got to go through the phone book. I've been looking for lawyers who have reviews online.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 10:07 AM, July 18th (Friday)]

I can appreciate your POV. You do not wish to divorce for financial reasons; the impact on your daughters and the fear of losing those said daughters. So lets take divorce out of the picture; you can't afford it anyway.

In another 5 or 6 years those children will be off to college and there will be no child support issues. Meanwhile do the 180 and establish an independent mind frame with little or no emotional connection to your wife. Work on your career and get back into the workforce full-time; in 5 years time you should be well - established as a respected professional and pulling a decent salary.

Then leave your cheating STBXWW to her own devices while you set about rebuilding your life. Move close to where your children are attending college and start again. Your ex-wife can indulge in her mindless sexual escapades to her hearts content; you just won't care.

I'm not planning on dragging this out for years.

Thats good to hear.

You'll be in a mental institution going through this for years. Reading the agony you are in I can't imagine dragging it out.

Just try to get your career regenerated. IT is the one field I would think is certainly not contracting with all the snooping going on in all aspects of everyone's life. I believe if you had a good job prospect you would not be intimidated by your wife for a New York second.

Anyone who would not be apprehensive in your situation needs a lot of work themselves. But the bottom line is anyone can only take some much pain and disrespect before they cry "uncle" and say enough is enough.

Right now the VAR is your best bet if you do not think she is going anywhere but back and forth to work.

the real surprising thing to me is that she would her career and livlihood in jeopardy. I would think if she just wanted to bang someone else she would keep it away from work. but then again there are a lot of dumb people out there.

OK now, respectfully, that would kill a person who has integrity, a good moral compass, and honor... When I see similar suggestions on SI (I especially hate the "devil that you know crap"), or hear the same faulty rational from a BS, I post this little blip I wrote a year or so back:

When I read your story and posts, and many others from SI, I feel like it's stories from hopeless prisoners, who barely exist in sad, dank, gray life sentences, no hope of parole, feeling they will never see outside the wall, and everyday is just another day making gravel and eat slop. Goddamnit, you only get so many spins on this rock, and my heart breaks for you folks that are enduring life, not enjoying it!

My man DG is gonna kick the snot outa this shit sandwich situation RIGHT NOW, figure a way out to do it, get rid of the POS cheater who seems to have no problem destroying lives, and when he is ready, have a lady in his life who treats him with respect and dignity... And a hell of a lot sooner than he realizes

Well, you have been complaining you cannot afford a lawyer and you would lose the kids and be left penniless living in a crummy apartment and you fear you can't get back in the workforce after 8 years. It does seem that you are reluctant to divorce. So, being the helpful SI member I am, I'm trying to consider other logical alternatives.

The OM doesn't work with her. She works in an office which is in a huge office building. The OM, is a fairly large Russian dude who looks like a nosebreaker. I think his office is in the basement of the building. I have a nice picture of him, his wife, and his two young daughters taken from his W's Facebook page. I have it to get me angry.

Judging from our old phone bills, she'd call him (1 min call), and they;d meet probably in the basement of the building. The calls stopped after her confession. If this is still going on, she's using her work ipad (if it has call capabilities) or work phone.

See...I'm able to write this today, without weakness. I don't give a crap if they're banging away as I type this. Successful day two of 180 and I'm SLOWLY getting my balls back.

I know that most people here think it's best to jump away as soon as possible. My wife is going to do her best to destroy me when this comes to light. I'm actively looking at lawyers and will beg family members for donations or get a new credit card when I find the right one. BUT I PERSONALLY NEED PROOF. I know that everyone is chuckling, "you have your proof, she's already cheated", "You have your proof, the same gut feeling that clued you in, the first time" etc, etc...

I need proof for several reasons. ALL FOR ME, not for anyone else, not her, not court, just for me. If she is still cheating, she's doing the best cake eating job, you've ever seen. She took care of me when I had surgery on my hand, even though I was ignorning her (I was doing 180 last week), she has been doing a lot of things that make her look like she's sincere in wanting R.

Excellent! She is a lazy liar. The more secure she gets, the more of a chance she'll f-up this time around.

It may very well have been, she was walking to her car, he was working on the garage with the other droids, and he followed her and talked to her. Meeting her when she arrives in the morning, is another matter altogether.

While I obviously don't know many aspects of my W, I do know that when I confront her with proof, or confidence, she backs down pretty easily. I know that won't last in a situation like this, but I need to take advantage of everything I can.

She will slip up, I will tell her to leave the house with at least a few changes of clothes, and rest will be a freaking nightmare. Her biggest fear will be if I tell everyone she/we know.

Our children are 11 and 12 and very mature. They know what divorce is, and they know what cheating is. They are scared to death of divorce. I have no doubt that my WW will tell them lies about the situation and not take the high road, so I'm also going to have to make a decision about telling them the truth. If WW and I BOTH told them "we are having differences that we can't work out" or some BS like that, I'm sure it would be the most healthy, but she's told them things behind my back before, and she;s scared to death of them knowing. When we've argued or discussed her A in the house at night, she'd freak out that it was too loud and the kids might hear.

Anyway, if I can get strong with 180 again, I can make this a much easier transition when I confront her with D. OR, I can just dive off the cliff and pray that I land in water.

I am not going to live in an open marriage. When I am strong, I can tolerate the possibility that something is going on, as long as I don;t know for sure. When I know for sure, that's different. If she's meeting OM, she will screw up. If she's not, I'll wait until I'm strong enough, and still give her ultimatum for secrets in electronics.

I am amazingly not crying right now. I barely have a stomach ache. I will continue to get stronger with 180 and the prospect of a job.

And don;t laugh, but because her offers of sex seem to be my downfall, I might check out a sex addicts anonymous meeting. Anything to break the hold she has.

I don't mind the 2x4s, by the way. I'm just grateful for the feedback I get here. You all give me strength. The comments that are nice, and the comments that are brutal.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:04 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

And dont laugh, but because her offers of sex seem to be my downfall, I might check out a sex addicts anonymous meeting. Anything to break the hold she has.

I'm not laughing. I just don't think this makes you a sex addict. You want your WW back. You wanted her to be remorseful and show you genuine love. When she offers sex on some level it feels like she might be reconnecting. Giving you back something she's taken away. It's normal for that to be difficult to resist. That's also what makes it so risky for you. If it was just sex for the sake of sex then I wouldn't worry. I mean she is your wife so if you two were engaging sex for the release, the physical enjoyment as opposed to the connection that is no big deal. However, it sounds like it has a deeper effect on you than it does to her. That's why you need to stay away. It's not sex that is your compulsion here. In my opinion it is your desire to reconnect with your WW.

As far as needing personally to see the evidence, well I have been there, done that. I had a need to find something concrete. Very understandable.

I cannot stress this enough...do not confront her when you do find it.

Pull back and figure out your next move in conjunction with your attorney.

Your attorney should start off by asking what you want and then ask what you need. Sometimes the two converge but often we never get what we want from D because we didn't want this sh*t to begin with. So we have to focus on what we need. Whatever hard evidence you have it is your leverage but not forever.

From what you've posted your WW will not want others to find out but that fear has a shelf life. Over time people will care less about that because it is "in the past". Also, the more time passes she will work on turning your kids and mutual acquaintances against you. Your WW doesn't back down as much as she tactically retreats. So confronting her with the evidence will just result in her taking a longer, more deceptive route to do this. We've seen it before on SI so not using any proof, again just my opinion, is not useful. If you have proof you have the truth. Share the truth. Just do so in a way that you don't screw yourself legally.

Please get a background check done on the OM. You can hire a PI to do that since you already have his name and place of employment.

I like what ok now had to say.

There have been 'marital arrangements' since the beginning of the institution.

If DG decides to remain in the marriage for lifestyle reasons, that is fine. I can accept HIS decision, as only he knows his true priorities. In that case I would strongly recommend a separate bedroom, and really a separate life *fully detached* from the WW. He has his own friends, hobbies, career, lovers, whatever. DG just interacts with WW over childcare and finances...the ultimate 180...and maybe makes an appearance with WW in society as necessary.

Shock, there is nothing wrong with that choice - aa long as it is DG's choice. Like I said, it has been an option for generations. There are those who value lifestyle and comfort over having a 'soul mate'. Cold utilitarian reason. Maybe they are on to something...after all we are all here having bought into 'happily ever after'

deceived guy

Put a pen VAR in the bottom of her pocketbook.

In a few days you will know everything you need to know.

There was a poster named "choppingonions" that nailed his wife to the wall.

He found out about 2-3 OM that he did not realize were in the picture of his wife's current EA with an overseas boss.

The pen VAR was the key.

And she was truly frightened about everything he knew. She could not lie her way out of any of the affairs.

He was a stay at home dad/ex attorney if I remember correctly.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 1:40 PM, July 18th (Friday)]

Wow. A pen VAR is an excellent idea DG.

[This message edited by deceivedguy at 9:03 AM, October 5th (Sunday)]

DG

OK makes some good points. Just adjust the timeline to what you set for yourself. The point is you need to make decisions that work for you. Take her out of the equation. If she jumps on board sometime during your 180, certainly nothing lost by having a contingency plan. Edited because I obviously can't type on a cell phone :(

[This message edited by BlueBlueEyes at 2:13 PM, July 18th (Friday)]

At anytime she could file for D... Maybe not likely, but has a whole sort of sword of Damocles feel to me. Just thinking out loud...

I understand your need to have proof for you. For 3 months, I waited for an opportunity to get my hands on H work phone. I swear I couldn't breathe as I got it from the bathroom while he showered. I locked myself in the other bathroom, and once I got texts pulled up there it was staring me in the face. My stomach feels funny just writing this. I didn't read a lot of them (I could only take so many I love you) and I regret that. I wish I had had my wits about me to read more and forward the messages to my phone, but emotions took over. At that point, I was able to take the advice I had been reading about on SI. When someone won't give up their electronics after admitting to an affair or any type of inappropriate relationship, it doesn't have a thing to do with their privacy. I hope you will take more action as you get stronger.

Okay, you already know she had an affair, a PA and she has admitted that. Lets just say there is nothing at all going on anymore and her affair is completely over.

Lets look at this as D or R. What is your choice?

We all know what is supposed to occur for R. Has your wife done anything to promote honest R?

Has she owned her own shit as they say and taken complete responsibility for her affair. Has she read any of the books to even learn what the hell she really did to you. Does she understand boundaries. It is obvious she doesn't get it all because she still wont let you see her passwords and that is really cold and telling.

Has she ever told your WHY she had an affair?

You can continue to try and catch her, but if she really isnt having an affair, you could try and catch her forever.

Everyone says go with your gut, and that is usually true. But once your gut has been 100% accurate, it can fool you. Being lied to is no laughing matter, it can truly screw up someone's mind and health, including gut feelings.

Your wife admitted her affair, why is she still working in the same building as the OM. Why isnt she looking for another job, that is what usually happens to a WS as a consequence of their affairs.

Her biggest fear will be if I tell everyone she/we know.

That is very good for you to know. Save it for now, and use it when you need it, which could be soon.

Is there anyway possible, you can be at her work when she gets off and watch her once in a while. Can you surprise her at lunch and show up offering to go to lunch with her.

Right now, she has it too easy IF she really is having an affair at work.

Since she is always home on time, that leaves lunchtime as about the only time she could be having an affair. Start surprising her at work during lunch.

Well if not a pen VAR they might have something else that might work to put inside her purse. Perhaps if you talk to the store they might have some ideas as well.

She sounds pretty detached and calculating to me. Were it me DG no matter what I would be putting a lot of effort in finding a good attorney asap and retraining. Are you able to pull extra cash each time you go to the grocery store and set that aside for yourself?

DG,

I feel sick readying that you think any of us are laughing at you. Nothing is farther from the truth! If this was so easy, none of us would be here. I do agree that you have to decide what you really want the outcome to be. If it's to R, you need to start getting open communication from her. I love the lunch thing as my husband thought on the way home from work was a great time.... How would I know if he was a half hour/45 minutes late. Still flabbergasted that the COW thought that was enough time for her one a week. Keep talking. One thing women do is talk things to death. It helps us deal. After all you can only be hurt so long before it really starts to piss you off. Sorry..language. The men on here are giving you great advice too! They have been there done that and they understand from experience what does and doesn't work. The only thing I don't agree with is a secret tracking device. I think her actions really tell you what you need to know. If you need proof for a divorce, then I guess that works.

I can tell you what GPS will do, map out a pattern of location. If she is going to a certain restaurant or behind the Barnes and Nobles building 3 days a week for example, you have a predictable location to confront WS and their AP in the act. Take pics, video, what have you to catch them in the act. You have undeniable image proof. It saves you time from having to hire a PI, or even save the PI time and it cost you less for his/her time tracking the WS down.

But it is an option.

VARs tell far more detail, right from the horses mouth.

DG, is she using wifi at your home to connect the laptop/ipad to the internet? If so, is there a way you can procure a packet sniffer software and capture the data? Just a thought.

Im new to forum but seems like we all have one thing in common and that is immense pain., and it really seems as if men and women have definite different points an biased views. As far as I can tell from all the reading--there is an individual solution to all our problems and generalization of answers don t work. But it does seems to help to talk to someone and express that feeling. Again new to this and will be posting my story soon as I get a partial grip!KCH