DogsnBooks -
First off, it's going to look different for every couple. There is no cookie cutter approach to a sex life after an addiction discovery. I will tell you what happened with us - I have some regrets, but in the end am kind of glad it happened the way it did because I might still be that person a year later not having sex.
We were already going through a period of no sex, on my directives. I was not happy that H was not engaged in the marriage counseling, and I was not wiling to have sex with someone that I didn't feel emotionally intimate with. During early years of our marriage, after our the birth of our second child, we went years with no sex... mostly for the same reasons - relatively no emotional intimacy, and yes, I was exhausted all the time being 80% responsible for raising young children into teens and adulthood. About five years ago, when I came out of my major depressive episode (and to the extent he was able, H was 'there' for me during this time), I decided I was ready to give it a go, so our sex life did resume for almost a year, until I was diagnosed with cancer and had a complete hysterectomy... so there was an interruption. And the longer you stay away, the harder it is to come back to (I've read that lots of places, and it ended up being true on our part). I think his string of affairs began within a year of my cancer diagnosis (and I had a major, life-threatening complication after it). Esther Perel will say that affairs are often the result of people looking at their life, after a major health threat or death of someone close to them and use affairs as a way of feeling more alive in the face of mortality. I suspect there was some of that in our case. Mostly I was so very disappointed in how H diminished my feelings regarding my diagnosis and complication, that we entered another period of no sex, while we tried to work through with our MC why he continued to be so emotionally unavailable to me, especially in a moment of major crisis. This is just background of what it was like before I discovered his affairs.
When I had my first D-day - a year ago yesterday - he only admitted to an emotional affair. It was not for another month that I found out the emotional affair had been physical for five months, and there had been two others between 2015-2017. When I found out about the emotional affair, yet he quickly finally responded to my years-long wishes for him to go into IC, I had such enormous hope, and reconnection with him, that I initiated our sex life. He was willing to do so many things to repair the marriage (again, this was prior to my finding out about the multiple affairs, and one he was just ending) that I truly felt so grateful that I'd finally gotten what I'd asked for all those years. I felt one of the strongest senses of connection to him that I'd felt in almost all our years of marriage.
But there was an additional issue going on. Four months before I found out about the emotional affair, H's best friend died. It was so traumatic for us, and even harder, every time I tried to reach out to H, he rebuffed my attempts at comforting him (not sex, just emotional connection, affection, etc.). I figured I needed to give him some space to process his grief, whereas I had no idea he was already heavily involved with the bitch who was trying everything within her power to steal him from me. It was such a strange period... he was getting his ego stroked so much by someone who wasn't making any emotional demands of any depth (she was incapable of that as he learned over time), yet due to our friend's death, I had used it as an opportunity to make some changes in my own life - I decided I was no longer going to put off doing things that we had talked about doing when he retired (which wasn't going to be for at least 5-7 years). I backed out of some activities that no longer fed my passions and began to invest in other activities that did. I didn't want to waste any more time being bitter and resentful that I'd become stuck in life. Yet, I knew H wasn't ready to relinquish any part of his career any time soon, which is where he got all his self-esteem. One compromise we made, though, was we were going to take more long weekend vacations. He had spent most of his career not taking vacation due him (and he can't cash it in) because it stressed him out so much before he left, he would be stressed out while we were gone, and it would take him forever to catch up when he returned. So we compromised, and began to add a few other activities here and there in an attempt to reconnect, mostly knowing how fragile life was. Little did I know he was deep in his addiction, while at the same time, seeing glimpses of wanting to reconnect with me.
So when he committed to IC and doing whatever it took (truly engaging in the marriage counseling) to repair the marriage, it was incredibly flattering to me; he chose ME! (and I had given him several outs verbally... he didn't take them although she was begging him to) When I found out about the emotional affair, and he ended it with her, there was something that really drew me to him, and resuming a sexual life was something I wanted for me. And I wanted it to be different than it had been before, which was quite routine and not very satisfactory for me... yea, I faked it a lot because I never had the courage to tell him what I wanted or needed to be satisfied. The first two weeks after my first D-Day, he was in and out of the house in hotels as things were dicey as I tried to discern how committed he was. He also spent a week in a guest room when he finally returned home for good. I was already feeling the physical desire, and again, just didn't want to waste any more of my life on holding grudges and resentments. I do think had I known at that time the affair he'd just ended had been physical, I wouldn't have made overtures as soon as I did. And certainly had I known about the other affairs between 2015-2017, I wouldn't have. But about two weeks after my first discovery day, I told him he was welcome back into our bed, and I remember very clearly saying, "Are you interested in make-up sex?" Of course he was flabbergasted. He told me later he assumed it would be months before that would happen - of course he was carrying around the guilt and shame of three affairs in two years that I didn't know about.
So that's when we officially entered the honeymoon period. It was good; I was asking for what I wanted and the sex was better than when we had sex in our early dating years/marriage. But I was also now surgically post-menopausal and knew there were things I needed to know about my body, and nurturing a healthy sex life between two people in their mid to late 50s that looks different than couples in their 20s and 30s. I remember asking my psychiatrist if she had any recommendations for books, resources, etc. for women my age to help me understand what my body was going through so I could make the best of our sex life. Frankly, I'd never been given proper, healthy, age-appropriate sex education as a teenager and all my understandings were what I gleaned from TV/movies/magazine articles, etc. I remember my psychiatrist telling me, "First thing you should do is get a vibrator and some lube. Experiment with it by yourself before you introduce it with your husband." When I asked our MC (in a private session) that, although I was enjoying sex, what did we need to do so we could each climax every time, and if at all possible at the same time. And she just rolled her eyes in frustration - she told me that there is just so much misinformation out there about what a healthy sex life can look like, and that there are lots of times you can make love, thoroughly enjoy it, yet neither one has to climax - but in the end, you feel closer. So it took me some time to accept that sex wasn't about what it looks like in the movies, particularly in couples our age. Just giving me permission that I didn't have to feel pressure to climax every time helped a lot - as it ends up, both H and I admitted to each other when this didn't happen (for either of us), the other one felt insecure. Once we accepted the wide range of sexual experience and pleasure runs the gamut, it took the pressure off and we continued to enjoy all of our sexual experiences, whether one or both, or neither of us climaxed. However, our honeymoon period continued for several months, and yes, sometimes my overtures came out of a sense of, "I want to connect with you in this way today, because we are never promised tomorrow." The most important thing for me was to let go of some of my inhibitions and not feel shame about my body... what really turns each of us on is not necessarily our bodies, but how we see the other respond to us when we desire each other physically... and the difference now is there's also the emotional intimacy that goes with it.
I did do some reading to help reinforce how horrible all these Hollywood myths have damaged our expectations for sex, and leave us feeling so unfulfilled. I became perfectly content learning I was probably not going to climax having intercourse, and it was going to require some lube - in fact, my psychiatrist told me for women my age, it's so important to use lube, because post-menopausal women are at risk for infections from tiny micro-tears you're not aware are happening if you're not probably lubricated during intercourse. So read up on age-appropriate sexual education resources that are possibly vetted by your IC or MC.
Our honeymoon period continued for quite a few months, and came to a complete stop in February when my two brothers died less than two weeks apart. I think that's when I moved into my PTSD phase, and within a month, that's when I discovered H's sex addiction diagnosis had been missed, and it was truly what he had. We probably had about a three-week period with no sex, but I knew the longer we went without it, the more difficult it was going to be to resume, so we talked about it, and agreed it was something we needed to make sure happened on a regular basis.
Now that being said, once he got diagnosed as a sex addict and we started adding in several meetings a week for both of us, plus appointments with our ICs and our MC, it's incredibly difficult to find time either one of us has the energy simultaneously, so I'd say we're back to once or twice a week, but when we do, it's good. Again, I'm 58 years old; I've just been diagnosed with a condition that gives me a 50% chance of developing colorectal cancer in my lifetime; I don't ever want to look back and regret not taking advantage of connecting with him in this physically intimate way if something happens and due to cancer, having a healthy sexual life is no longer an option for us.
Once I found out about his multiple affairs, I really saw no reason to withhold sex because I knew when we did (and again, this is with me finally finding my voice after 30 years of not having one when it came to sex, and actually H finds it very enticing and arousing), I always felt closer to him afterwards; we learned to talk about our sex life at times other than when we were having it, which was important. While you're having sex... to bring up something that one of you might not be comfortable with, is not a good time. You need to have those conversations at other times so you're less likely to get hurt or get defensive. Our discussions at non-sexual times are much more productive and fulfilling.
Again, my situation was a bit different, and I might have waited a long time had I known everything I found out in the ensuing three months. But he's working a really active recovery program (as am I) and making love reinforces and adds a dimension to our relationship we never had. In my moments of deep insecurity, I do tell him I worry that I don't match up to his affair partners (two of which were much younger than me). His response is, with the emotional intimacy we have worked so hard to achieve now, our love-making is multi-dimensional, whereas with his affair partners, it was solely one-dimensional... all about the orgasm and sexual release. He says there is no way he'd ever be able to have with them what we have now.
I am grateful for every love-making experience we have, and continue to refine my voice and speak up... that's been incredibly hard, but honestly, when I do, like I said, it turns him on. I only wish our schedules allowed for more down time together, but I am hopeful as he gets further in his recovery he will need less meetings, as will I, and our time together will increase again.
Sorry for the long post - I hope it will give hope to those here who wonder how they can achieve an even better sex life when both people are working a recovery program. It may happen fairly immediately as it did in my case, or several months down the road. I think what is key, is seeing your partner really working hard because they truly love you. If I didn't see that, we'd still be in a period of sexual anorexia.
One last edit - for the addict, it's NOT about the sex; it's about the inability to experience emotional intimacy (not just with you, they can't do it with anyone). Once you accept that, resuming a healthy sexual life becomes easier to consider. Sexual acting out was not about you; it was about him and his inability to connect with you (or anyone - I can guarantee you 95% of sexually acting out is about filling in a void in their lives that they're not aware of, so no one can meet it).
