SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your therapist says the trip is a bad idea.

Dozens of posts, without exception, by people who have been in your shoes, say its a bad idea.

But, hey. What do we know? YOUR situation is different.

Good luck with that.

Seriously, I wish you only the best.

I've asked several times what your WGF is DOING to SHOW you remorse.

She's going on a business trip again. In spite of knowing how it will affect you.

Remorse would be staying with you. The *question* of her going never should have come up. SHE should have cancelled.

If she was truly remorseful.

[This message edited by 5454real at 9:43 AM, May 24th (Tuesday)]

Does your wgf know about this site from you? Has she been reading this thread?

It's a crisis. And if she proves unable to set aside her own desires in my moment of need, maybe that's all I need to know.

She's proved it.

You've answered your own doubt.

toopol

it's up to you. you've been given tons of advice here. most saying the same thing. but there are variations. you've got an MC. you're living with your girlfriend. you see what she's done and what she's doing and saying. that's it. you're not going to get anything more. bust a move brother.

make a decision, one way or the other, or don't. if you can't make a decision, that's on you.

any more advice is basically just noise. you're not going to hear anything new.

whatever you do, good luck.

I'm confused by what you mean when you say she was naive about cheating. Do you mean that she didn't think it would be this painful for you? So it would only be a little painful and she was okay with hurting you to that level? That sounds unhealthy. Here's the truth - you were never supposed to find out about this. But the herpes screwed up that plan. I know, I know - you think she confessed before she suspected an STD. And there is nothing you can tell me that would make me believe that for a hot second. I think where your timing is likely off is that she started screwing him several days earlier and presented sores earlier than you thought given the incubation period. Do people confess cheating before getting caught? Of course they do (but it's pretty rare). The problem with her is that here you are, talking about finally proposing, she's STILL screwing him and then she has a breakout. You are more than welcome to believe that she just had to clear her conscience and then the sores appeared but I think she got herself in a predicament and there was no backing out then. Still....does it really matter? You were discussing proposing and she's screwing some stranger without condoms. Like others have said, my 10 year old would know better. A poly would help but I'm pretty sure you don't really want that answer. And, lord knows, if you're doing polys while dating, what on earth are you doing (which is EXACTLY our point!!)?

You're also more than welcome to dismiss the collective wisdom here of people who have gone through this and write off my post as bitter. You can rely on your therapist who I suspect has not been directly cheated on before. But let's keep in mind that you've been seeing this therapist for several years while DATING. What plan do you all have in place to graduate from therapy? The ethical thing would be for her to tell you that you're just dating, you're really young, go find a relationship that doesn't require so much work before any of the hard stuff has even started. But we all know why she doe$n't do that.

I also urge you to explore your co-dependency. You're clearly intelligent, eloquent, compassionate. You're worried that you're a nerd. This isn't high school anymore, Toopol. Decent men have no problem finding wonderful, HONEST women to date. There's a whole world out there.

I remember once reading a study that showed that 95% of Americans married someone that lived within 5 miles of their home. Yet 80% of them were convinced that they had married their soul mate. Holy shit - do you have any idea how many soul mates could be out there for you?? You deserve so much better. Go find it.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm officially overwhelmed! There's a lot that I want to respond to here (mostly to agree) but I don't have time in the near future. You've given me enough to think about, in the meantime.

I'll keep checking this thread and reading any new responses, but as many of you have pointed out, there's probably not much left unsaid. If circumstances change or something big happens, or if I finally do something, I'll post an update.

Toopol

I agree with letting her go on the trip. It is her decision. Most have told you to end the relationship and this will more than likely do it

She will see om again to at least get closure

You are better off in the long run

Rambler,

You are correct. Except Topool will never know it because she will not tell him and he will not make the effort to find out for sure.

I don't get it.

Man asked for advice. Man received advice and up until this point it's essentially now forum vs poster with poster batting away and arguing his position.

Forum seems invested in changing his mind come hell or high water. OP is a grown man, he uses reasoned logic to make his counter-arguments. Not quite trolly but the scenario with his girlfriend now going back to the same city I'm sure is triggery for a lot of folk. b

But it's ironic that most of the advice given is let her go, yet most poster bite into the thread and refuse to let go until their point is heard.

OP maybe in his own "fog", stubborn or he truly knows what's best for him and his girl.

I guess I'll just never understand why people would beat themselves into meltdown when a man decides his course. I exited this thread a while back before OP revealed the trip. I'm guessing she'll go, not answer the phone etc etc.

Good luck folks and the OP but a man has to learn on his own from life. Can't drag a horse to water and all..

I agree with Alaska77.

besides which the guy isn't even married yet so why do this and stay with this ?

I get what TrenR is saying but I never got into this thread because with all of the therapy work, the affair, the STDs, her going back to the same city etc....., this guy is allowing himself to be victimized and I am not the type to just sit back and roll with that so I never got involved and am not going to start now.

I really hope for your sake that you're a troll wasting everyone's time...

This is unnecessary and not helpful... OP does NOT have to do what everyone else tells him to do and if you feel he is wasting your time, you do not need to read or comment here. No one on this thread knows his situation completely except for him. For those that are extremely invested and starting to berate him for not leaving...you need to figure out why YOU are so invested in making his decision for him.

toopol...you have every right to talk and post about this for months and months or for however long it takes for you to know in your mind what is truly right for you. The general guidelines are to NOT make any life-shattering decisions for at least 3 months, sometimes more, after betrayal because it IS a trauma and it will take some time for you to start thinking clearly again.

Ok...all that being said...I am a strong believer in reconciliation in some cases where it seems both parties are very invested and this was a poor choices/bad coping skills mistake. That still may be so....but I don't like the fact that she won't give up this trip. For me, that is showing me that she is not feeling much compassion for what you are going thru and is still too invested in her own situation. I know having a good job is important, but in the case of infidelity, if reconciliation is the goal....healing the relationship has to be #1 for the WS and that means above their job also. My WSO actually went in (on his own) and asked his boss to put him with other males and no females for a while. He is lucky that he did have an understanding boss, that doesn't always happen, but he took a chance there. His boss may NOT have been so understanding. But the fact that he was willing to put his job in jeopardy for us said a lot to me. I don't think your gf is getting it just yet.

The break MAY be good for you as others have said in helping you get some distance, but it also may be very triggery for you and very upsetting. Whatever happens, we are still here for you.

Of course everyone is still here for him!

Everyone here is concerned about the posters mental and emotional safety. The posters here are experienced and I don't see anyone here pushing him to do what they want or wish they had.

There responses are real and the op can choose to ignore the advice that doesnt works for him.

When an std is an issue (yes, herpes may not be the most dreaded of all std's but still...) I believe the time frame for making a long term life decision should be relatively quick.

Also, I agree op's wgf should never have agreed to go on a trip to the same locale. So what if she loses her job, she'll find another. This is an unfortunate consequence!

My wh also made drastic changes. Ow was a past student and he immediately requested no female students (before I even found out about his affair), nc, a written timeline, reading books on infidelity and lots of therapy. Still the road to R is very very hard!

Topol, R is very tough work but I am giving it a chance for my children's sake. Wh has worked almost daily over the last year to show me his love and commitment. And yet, it is still a daily struggle for me and it lessons slowly. I would imagine it will take a few more years to heal.

You sound like a great guy. You sound like a great catch! Please protect not just your heart but also your health.

Big {{{hugs}}} and good luck to you.

Well...

I know you won't but I would go totally dark on her when she does go do NOT answer any calls and let her wonder what you are doing.

This is NOT remorse.

Do a polygraph.

When an std is an issue (yes, herpes may not be the most dreaded of all std's but still...) I believe the time frame for making a long term life decision should be relatively quick

That definitely complicates the issue and we all are hoping that OP is taking precautions in that area.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that it does NOT make you weak that you can't just walk away. It makes you quite a catch, actually, because it means that when you commit to someone, you commit to them fully and give your heart fully. That is not a weakness...that shows strength and courage.

The fact that you are considering your options, thinking this through fully, and discussing it openly shows that you have intelligence and good character also, and that you don't just fly off the handle and make rash decisions. Again, that is a very good trait....so I hope your WGF truly understands what she may be losing here......

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:59 AM, May 25th (Wednesday)]

Great post TrenoR201 and Naive Again.

I'm sorry you're going through this, toopol. Hope it works out for you.

[This message edited by nonexttime at 10:16 AM, May 25th (Wednesday)]

Toopol, did you read my post abut herpes and time it takes for the symptoms to show ?

I keep saying I won't post again... and then I do. I am sorry to the people that feel like we are beating a dead horse but I don't feel Toopol has gotten the whole story and wanted him to think about things from a different angle.

So is this like a home office? Meaning does your gf go monthly(bi-monthly) for trainings, meetings, peer evaluations ... Where the office has a contract with a local hotel for cheaper rates? How do you know this wasn't a longer Affair? That they would hook-up when she was in the area but that she would come back to you? That on this last trip he told her about the herpes and she realized she needed to either break it off with you or tell you about her Affair? In her mind two weeks of cheating sounded better than a LTA so she made up the story about it being a two week fling...This would explain a lot as you don't feel she is the type to jump into bed with a guy she just met...it could have been a slower seduction. Of course this opens more doors as it went on longer and involved more lies.

How far back did you read their texts? Of course they wouldn't text as much when they were together but I'd be suspicious of deleted texts that came before the visit. I'd also want to check her computer emails, phone records.... but don't give her any warning.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:46 AM, May 26th (Thursday)]

^ I didn't think about that freeme. I had assumed that the last trip was her first trip over there. But yeah - if she's already going back, it does beg the question of how often has she been there?

When you think about it, a woman in a multi year celibate relationship doesn't just jump into bed with the hotel service staff on a business trip for two whole weeks, all the while discussing marriage with her boyfriend.

A one time thing, while hard to swallow, I can fathom. But this? Something's hinkey.

Really, a polygraph is the only way to know the truth, but for some reason toopol has ruled that out. Ostrich syndrome?