SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Very small update- I recently reached out to the BW of the OM, just to check in on her and let her know about where WW and I are shaking out (she and OM have already started the D process). Was very surprised by her response:

"It's weird, but I'm sad to hear that things are not going to work out between you and [WW]. I guess I was hoping that at least one marriage would be able to survive this whole mess."

Just about broke my heart.

There is no two ways about it, it sucks for everyone involved.

You need to look at it like this though. Next to physical, infidelity is the worst form of spousal abuse that there is. There has never been an abuse victim in the history of the world who has chosen to be an abuse victim.

You are an abuse victim. Like the unfortunate millions upon millions before you you now have a choice to make. This choice is one of those choices which define you as a human. You can either feel bad for yourself or your can pick yourself up and punch the shit out of the problem in front of you.

Once you've punched your way out of the problem you'll be a better person for it. It will take awhile for this better person to reconcile this with being a happier person, but you will. Once you become happier you will be presented with some inner guilt (as you can already see manifesting itself). Some people never lose this slight twinge of guilt, but what the do lose is allowing this guilt to make them feel unhappy as you will.

Lux,

That is a surprising response. The adultery was a deal breaker for her. Part of her probably wishes it wasn't. Her world was shattered. She knows yours was as well. She hoped that perhaps you could pull off what she herself wasn't able to do.

Simply put, the destruction was magnified.

But, you don't really know what was her deal breaker.

Her marriage may have been fraught with other issues, or additional instances of infidelity.

No two marriages are alike.

Yeah I know. Mostly I just felt bad, because I know I wished nothing but sadness and divorce onto the OM... and then I find out his BW was hoping I (and, by proxy WW) could stick it out together.

Sheesh. Some folks are just better people than I could possibly understand.

The OBS sounds like a classy lady.

Well, one more Freudian-like analysis of her hoping that you guys would work it out is a manifestation of a deeper desire to take her soon-to-be ex-husband's girlfriend away as a future mate choice. He would end up with neither his wife nor his girlfriend in this scenario.

On the converse we see this from time to time here. Some betrayed will inexplicably delay doing anything because they don't want their waywards ending up with the boyfriends or girlfriends. It's a pride thing.

She's probably just a good person though and yes it's a nice reminder to start putting the hate behind you. Easier said than done of course.

Maybe just some kind of karma hitting OM. He will have a life full of child support and alimony payments while living in a basement apartment somewhere. He didn't get away with this cruelty, and neither did your WW. Just two families destroyed, countless people involved (don't know if OM had kids) and for what? Some cheap thrills...

Sounds like an empathetic, classy lady. I wish the best for you and other BW.

Yes, she's classy.

Hi LJ

I know that WW has been away. Not sure when she will be getting back but would imagine that it is imminent. You know my anxiety about the WW coming back into the home. I somehow don't have the same sense of foreboding for you this time. I think that emotionally you are in a stronger place and have enough in the way of positive challenge to keep you busy and your mind off things.

Hope that my assessment is accurate.

Just know that on the odd occasion that you might take a detour into the pit of sadness, your fellow sojourners are here to lend an ear and give support.

Oh, by the way, I think that OBS is a first class lady and you my friend are nothing short of a true gentleman. Being as close to the situation as what you are you might not be able to see it but with the advantage of being able to look in from the outside it is quite clear the compassion that you have shown your WW, even when she and OM did nothing of the same for you.

Hey LJ

Just checking in.

Was wondering how it is going.

I have found such a happy place. I honestly think it is happier than I have ever been in my life.

I have a sense that something like this is out there in your future.

Just thought I would share that, incase you are still in "default sad".

OhFor

I'm ok. The mind movies have mostly stopped, thanks to some efforts I've made in IC. I've also stopped checking WW's devices or tracking her location, which I think also helps.

So glad to hear that. It means that you are well on your way in your healing journey.

It is always encouraging all in the community when we see some green shoots begin to appear so thanks for the update

Acceptance brings peace. Happy you're doing well.

does WW know OM is a free bird

does WW know OM is a free bird

Yes, WW is aware that OM's BS has moved out & they're getting a divorce. OM has reached out to her a few times. Eventually, WW changed her phone number/email.

Can I say, it's been nearly two months since your first post, and I went back and read it again. I just don't get your WW at all. I mean she was screwing the om for a year, swearing up and down she loved him, for 1/3 of the marriage.

She gets caught and instantly drops him and even though he reaches out, she ghosts him. I get that we all WANT that to happen on day 1, but for the life of me I don't understand the coldness.

You, on the other hand, she lies to in a major way, treats you like a dupe for so long, and instantly knows that you are her forever soulmate the second she gets caught and is hanging on like a lamprey. Why?

I get the impression that for her it's not about making amends, getting her head right, or being genuinely shocked at her behavior. It's about winning. Saying and doing whatever it takes so that when it's said and done she gets what SHE wants. Not what is best for you.

The antisocial personality totally understands the rules, but they are indifferent to them. Rules just don't apply to them. But they will do whatever they need to look out for number one.

Perhaps I'm projecting but I just don't get why you are putting yourself through this. My gut is screaming that you married to a master manipulator. Is anything going to change in the next 30 days to make her "normal?" I'm just not seeing it.

It's about winning.

Exactly.

Her ability to switch on a dime is extremely, extremely concerning to me as well. I do not know what to make of it.

My recommendation to Lux would be to leave this board and to funnel everything through his IC, who seems very good, at this point. She is armed with way too much manipulative data at this point.

Thinking of this one makes me very tired. I can only imagine how Lux feels.