SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can I say, it's been nearly two months since your first post, and I went back and read it again. I just don't get your WW at all. I mean she was screwing the om for a year, swearing up and down she loved him, for 1/3 of the marriage.

She gets caught and instantly drops him and even though he reaches out, she ghosts him. I get that we all WANT that to happen on day 1, but for the life of me I don't understand the coldness.

Seems to happen often when the BS wants to go nuclear on D-day instead of begging and pleading.

We have a few members here with kinda similar stories about their WWs doing a quick 180.

[This message edited by xrnpc at 8:52 AM, September 29th (Friday)]

My guess is that she is waiting for you to drop the hammer, and the OM is her fall back option. I don't see her as a person who can be on her own, alone for all that long. She craves the attention, which is why she had a side bf to begin with. I think you have clear thoughts on this and you will make the best decision for yourself.

My guess is that she is waiting for you to drop the hammer, and the OM is her fall back option. I don't see her as a person who can be on her own, alone for all that long.

Pretty sure her fall back option after me dropping the hammer is to move back home across the country to Minnesota. If OM wants to follow her there, that's his prerogative, but I doubt she's counting on it.

My WH threw OW under the bus when I learned the truth of the affair and went shock and awe. We've been reconciling for 5 years this month...Never been happier, our new relationship is fulfilling now that we're focussed on honest and authenticity. You haven't spent much time reading the threads of reconciled members if this is a surprising reaction from the wayward spouse once their options are clearly and concisely laid bare for them.

LuxuryJellO, I have been following this thread from inception and have been amazed at how you have handled this amidst the heartache.

R or D, you have provided time to carefully process and determine how you want to move forward. It is an example I wish I would have followed.

Stay strong and nice to see how your career has progressed.

Lux, you get to write the next chapters of your life.

My take: She allowed OM to completely fill all husbandly roles--sexually, emotionally, companionship, etc.

Sitting in your house watching tv, going shopping together?

Go figure.

She was married, but not to you.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 10:32 AM, September 29th (Friday)]

Lux

I haven’t commented on your thread in a long time. I also have never commented on your WWs thread.

But I know you have a decision point coming and while I’m not sure if you are going to make a decision this weekend or not, or at least make her aware of it, I just wanted to give you my thoughts (which you are always most welcome to ignore).

I want to start by saying that I believe you have a remorseful WW. I know that there are many who would say she is just faking it or playing a game and I don’t think their judgement is bad. And it wouldnt be the first time on SI that a WS got away with attempting false R. There’s a special place in hell she will join if that is true.

But I don’t see it that way. I think the person she is right now is horrified at the person she was. I’m not sure she has all the tools yet to reform herself. I think she really wants to get there, and I hope and do believe that whether or not you leave her she will try to continue to do that work of becoming an authentic and safe person for whomever she is with in the future.

Now saying all that, I am not saying that you shouldn’t D. If you are someone that feels that cheating is a deal breaker no matter what I don’t think anyone here will blame you for ending it right now because of that.

I also think that it is possible instead to show her ramifications by either legally separating or divorcing and seeing other people for a while when you are ready to. I know you don’t want to become a betrayer yourself so you would have to make it perfectly clear that you are no longer in an exclusive relationship with her even if you just separate vs D.

Of course she would be free to do the same, but I sense she wouldn’t for a long while. I would recommend to her that she take some time away from any relationships and work on herself. Become that person she wants to be and when she feels she’s there (in a year? 2 maybe?), then at that time You both check back in with each other.

Perhaps at that time you are already moved on and in a committed relationship. If so great. You wish each other well and both move on to greater things. Or maybe you’ve seen what’s out there and decide it’s worth trying to slowly give it another try. She should have to win your love like anyone else out there.

Finally, if you decide that working toward R over the next several years starting now, I think you do have a remorseful and willing partner to do so. Now I agree with others here that she would have to be fully questioned as to why she wants to do that hard work with you and she would have to deliver some real convincing answers. Why you and not the OM?

Also What is her plan to become safe to you again. What does she see are the ramifications to her of the actions of her A? How can you feel satisfied that she is paying a worthy price for betraying you. Also you’ll have to Find a mode of communication that works even in the hardest of times that may hit you down the road. And Working together on a real plan to find each other again and essentially falling in Love all over again.

Because in all seriousness why would you put in that hard work if the goal was not to fall in love with her again and she you? That’s got to be the goal, cuz limping along and staying together as some sense of “duty” to each other is not going to cut it over the long haul.

You can even do this R option and still D. Then there’s ramifications for her actions, no longer being called your wife, but you can still work towards R as an unmarried couple.

So there, I’ve said it. I don’t mind if you or others disagree. That’s what this forum is all about. I just wanted you to know that I think you have options, especially because I believe you do have a remorseful spouse, and that no matter what you choose to do, you will be supported here.

Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:37 PM, September 29th (Friday)]

EDITED: I had been thinking about LJ's situation, and I hit on the 'have a break' idea, and posted it here without reading the other posts on the page...Right underneath stevesn's post, which makes the same suggestion, only in a much better way than my post did. Honestly, I really should read first and post afterwards.

[This message edited by M1965 at 2:58 AM, October 2nd (Monday)]

Good post Stevesn.

Thanks Sorrowful Moon. I appreciate it.

I think LuxuryJellO and CSCE have gotten lots of good advice from the many posters here on these forums.

But in the end it will be up to them to choose the path they think is right for them.

I hope they are still here listening.

Take care

-s

Hey sorry Stevesn. I should have thanked you for that post earlier. As you know, this weekend has been an eventful one with me and WW-- Saturday was officially 90 days from DDay.

I told WW what I have already told you guys in this thread: I have chosen to follow the advice of my IC and continue to work through my issues for a while, and during that time I will not file for D. That being said, I still currently see an eventual divorce as the only long-term option for us, and I don't expect my opinion to change on that. WW took this news about as well as can be expected (ie- she went into the guest bedroom and cried for the rest of the night).

Stevesn's idea of divorcing and separating with the option to restart our relationship sometime down the line is compelling. A few people have brought up the idea to me of taking a break to date other people. Thing is, I have no idea *when* I'd feel stable enough to start dating again. Like, if we signed the divorce papers tomorrow, it's not like I'd be on Tinder the next day or even in six months.

Realistically, once we do separate, she'll return home to Minnesota (since she'll have nowhere else to stay and nothing keeping her in California), and that will be that. It's a good notion, this taking a break and revisiting later, but not terribly practical when it comes down to nuts and bolts. (On that note, something I asked my IC in our most recent session Friday: "Am I being defeatist or realistic?" to which she responded: "Probably both.")

The thing is, I know that WW is remorseful and desperately wants to fix things. I just... think what she did is unmendable. I honestly and truly don't think I can ever be fully happy with myself if I stayed with her. I really don't see it happening.

[This message edited by LuxuryJellO at 10:54 PM, October 1st (Sunday)]

Hey LJ

You write;

I just... think what she did is unmendable. I honestly and truly don't think I can ever be fully happy with myself if I stayed with her. I really don't see it happening.

I know exactly how you feel on that. Don't beat yourself up about it. I know that on occasion I still feel guilt that I could not/can not get over it and can't find it in my heart to let my clearly devastated XWW back into my heart but then I slowly allow myself to see that it is all on her. She made the original choice. Made it over and over and over again. So, in my book, quite okay for you to feel that way.

I am no expert on here and am still very much in the process of finding my own way but to my still novice eyes, I see greater strength and clarity in each of your subsequent posts.

You will know that, for some reason that I am only now beginning to understand, I felt too close to your experience to post, and even at some stage to read, your thread, but now I am pleased that the strong parallel still exists.

I particularly enjoyed your bit on;

A few people have brought up the idea to me of taking a break to date other people. Thing is, I have no idea *when* I'd feel stable enough to start dating again. Like, if we signed the divorce papers tomorrow, it's not like I'd be on Tinder the next day or even in six months.

Those on here who know my JFO journey know that when I was at about the same stage as where you are right now, I swore off ever dating for at least 10 years. Some of the wise elders on here smiled their wry smiles and told me that reality might be a little different to what I thought it would be. One actually gently suggested that I was rug sweeping my emotions. Well, I am still astounded at just how much these folk know. They were right.

Best thing is, I didn't have to go out and find it. Did not have to work at it. Just by being me, and engaging in life with vulnerability and enthusiasm, well........happiness found me!

I am confident that that is in your future too.

Lux,

People make this out to be more confusing than this is. You are a victim of spousal abuse. Period.

What your IC is doing is trying to give you a window to extract yourself from abuse but also giving herself some time to work through you while all options are on the table. The options on the table are likely not to guide you in a particular way, buy because even at this stage she perhaps perceived that you are fragile and doesn’t want to upset the spectrum until she gathers a modicum of control.

It’s fine deciding to divorce. Where she wants to bring you though is not to a play to have the strength to make that question but to be comfortable with yourself to a stage where she is certain that a big decision wouldn’t hurt you in ways you may not even know yet (long term crap)

I also stress not worrying about divorce. I always coach that it’s such a overblown decision. The marriage is already over. If your wife doesn’t remember, she fired you from that job a year ago without having the courtesy to tell you. The decision is asking yourself if, after you have healed individually, if you’d like to pursue a new relationship with this person. My advise is usually to not worry about that until you see if you’ve healed. It might take you awhile (as you’ve stated about your not jumping into the dating pool)

As an aside, I do like D for the very reason it gives a potentially codependent Stockholm Syndrome BS the ability to see that there is a whole world out there. It’s a great tool to see what life looks like outside this brown bubble of hazy bullshit where colors aren’t so bright and happy isn’t happy.

The thing is, I know that WW is remorseful and desperately wants to fix things. I just... think what she did is unmendable. I honestly and truly don't think I can ever be fully happy with myself if I stayed with her. I really don't see it happening.

And this is all you need to know about yourself Lux. It is perfectly acceptable for your WW's affair to be a deal breaker for you. To be unmendable for you. You don't have to try to R because your WW seems remorseful or is desperate to fix things. Maybe her fixing things is an amicable D. Because you have the right to be happy.

As awful as this sounds you don't owe your WW a second chance. You owe yourself a happy life.

LJ.

For many, infidelity is simply a no-brainer for ending a marriage. In my case, I just couldn't countenance staying with an individual who disrespected me on such a fundamental level.

Sure, I loved my wife. That love, however, was not enough to surmount massive betrayal.

I must admit that your stbxw demonstrated a hurculean effort to fix herself and the marriage. It took on a Shakesperian hue. She is truly remorseful.

Your anger and sadness will dissipate with time.

Happiness awaits.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 10:31 AM, October 2nd (Monday)]

Lux,

I have to say that you are steady in the sense of the commitments you made for the 3 month block of time and moving forward with the block of time recommended by your counselor.

I use "block" specifically because this does allow you to build yourself a couple of platforms from which to assess where you were, where you are at now, and directions you might head in the future.

My sense of Sharkman's post is that this additional block of time lets you work on healing from the trauma of the betrayal and then equipping yourself with the necessary understanding and tools to make yourself stronger for the next stages of your life. In that respect, it is a great opportunity to understand, learn and grow so that you are ever more resilient into the future.

The one thing in your life that you had every right and expectation to always enjoy was the faithfulness of your W, the one person in the world that you could count on to always have your back. That underpinning of your life was stripped away. And that makes for a scary future in the sense that the things you could count on are no longer there. Surviving that, healing from that makes for a promising future. Surviving, healing, and then becoming ever stronger and more resilient makes for bright, bright future.

LJ.

For many, infidelity is simply a no-brainer for ending a marriage. In my case, I just couldn't countenance staying with an individual who disrespected me on such a fundamental level.

Sure, I loved my wife. That love, however, was not enough to surmount massive betrayal.

I must admit that your stbxw demonstrated an Herculean effort to fix herself and the marriage. It took on the pacing of a Greek tragedy; she is truly remorseful.

Your anger and sadness will dissipate with time.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 11:12 AM, October 2nd (Monday)]

I just... think what she did is unmendable. I honestly and truly don't think I can ever be fully happy with myself if I stayed with her. I really don't see it happening.

If that's the case, and it's a valid response and reaction to being cheated on, why would you consider breaking up and dating later? I don't understand how that would change what she did. If you're really going to divorce her, I would urge you to do it. I know it's hard to feel sympathetic for the WS, but it would be kinder to let her move on.

Take care. This is hard.

I think your doing a great job on how your handling this. I think taking time out is the right thing and not making any serious decisions until you have really had time to think about it.

I don't know if this has been addressed and maybe I missed this. I am not always online and some days I miss things. Does she have a job? If she doesn't maybe she should get one now or at least as soon as possible. I really don't think it would be fair to you if you do divorce that you would be stuck paying spousal support. I think if she can hide an affair and have sex with another man at least twice a week and then the moment your out of town bring that same man in your own house really shows what she is capable of. She should have no problems getting a job and keeping a job.

If you later decide to give her another chance you can always put a postnup in place.

Once again if someone already addressed this then please disregard.

C