This0is0Fine,
Had a fight this morning about her not doing enough. She went hysterical, yelling and crying. Making the whole thing about "society let's men cheat, but when a woman does it she should have known her place!", "I'll wear a red letter A if you want, but then I'll be done", "Nothing happened", "I'll bet OM's marriage is already back to normal". Bullshit and minimizing. Feels like going backwards.
Why did she act so hysterically during your discussion? What, if anything, did you say to her that set her off? Is she frustrated that you will not give her a pass on her cheating? Or, is her guilt being expressed?
Of course, "nothing happened" is not true. She betrayed you, if not with her body, certainly in her mind and heart. She let OM into her life, heart, and mind. She spent time with him, and pursued him. She was the aggressor and, if true, only the reluctance of the OM to respond kept her from consummation. She may be exhibiting withdrawal symptoms from her loss of OM and the high her "self" got from her affair. BTW, her identity now includes "cheater". Like Hester Prynne, that aspect of her identity will stay with her for the rest of her life. Your WW now has to redeem herself like Hester, although Hester did not reconcile with her husband, and was buried with her AP. What your wife can hope for is that her future deeds justify your gift of reconciliation and her continued faithfulness earns from you foregiveness for her "sins".
You know that you are both on the "roller coaster". You might consider letting up on overt pressure somewhat, for the time being. I think that the 180 process, including its aspect of passive pressure, i. e., distancing yourself from her (and separating her from you) to protect your heart/mind from continuing wayward actions and giving her pause for thought about what she has to lose, might be appropriate. I, personally, don't agree with the idea of fighting fire with fire. After all, she is the person that you love. If she destroys the marriage, then you need to get to indifference and acknowledge that she has left the marriage. Her loss of you will be her punishment. I am proposing, for your consideration, that it is more effective to put out the fire by starving it from oxygen and fuel. I am not suggesting "rug sweeping". You need to hold steady with your demand for faithfulness in deed and thought. I am suggesting that any pressure that she feels must arise from within herself, not from you. If you pressure her with anger, you might just be giving her what she feels is justification for her alienation from you. If her love for you is not strong enough to overcome her waywardness, then you probably need to move on.
You can not argue with crazy (irrational). You need to stay constantly rational. That is your strength. If your love and steadfastness is not sufficient, then at least you have done your best. It is natural that you are angry. She is 100% at fault. Her head is still not where it should be, and she might be backsliding. But, do not let anger get in the way of achieving your most desired outcome. Use anger to generate strength, and use your rational mind, your personal courage, and your love for your wife to guide your actions.
When I let go of my first wife, I did not try to burn her. I just let the fire (love) for her die out. Afterwards, I found someone new and we have kept our loving warmth for each other going strong for 35 years, through thick and thin.
WW's gonna go rent an AirBnB (and presumably fuck OM) to "think things over". Holy shit she is unbelievably cliche. After all the apparent effort and honesty she seems to just be throwing in the damn towel. Probably because I got lied to about the PA being just an EA, probably because my wife has no actual remorse, probably because she doesn't think the POSOM is a POS. Who knows what combination of bullshit is still spinning in her brain. To think we had reached agreement on all this and now she blows up. She is trying to fuck with my head and I won't allow it. Unless she changes her mind PDQ, we are back on the D track. I hope y'all are enjoying the rollercoaster with me.
Has she told you how long she will stay away? Did you discuss any boundaries/consequences for her while she is away? Do you have a fixed appointment for further counseling? Have you heard from her? I hope that her friend can help her find her "self" and resolve her issues. Also, hopefully you can regain your peace of mind by adding a poly question about her compliance with NC with OM and no further wayward acts.
I do empathize with your gut-wrenching pain, even though my experience was so long ago. I send hope, strength and support, whether R or D.
