SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're right. I didn't even notice that on my first read. Yet still... notperfect5 asked me if I would take her back (check up 5 or so posts), wrote me a great post; I pretty much lied and said I wouldn't. The other night someone at the bar asked me the same thing... how did I respond? in my heart I would. But the question is, should I? That's the real question. Damn it's tough. This was my soulmate... was....

Very confused tonight. Regardless, I'm not going to respond tonight. I'm going to sleep on this. I rushed so many things when this all happened. I did everything you guys told me not to. But now, now that I'm doing it "right" ... low and behold.

I'm going to sleep on this and stick to my 180. If I don't respond tomorrow.. maybe I will keep NC for awhile longer...a few more days. It's all very confusing

Take it slow. No shock here but she can also change her mind again.

Having an affair us one thing, leaving for the ap is another.

She needs to go to IC and do do you. Wen you both get strong enough you both can decide

You're right. I didn't even notice that on my first read. Yet still... notperfect5 asked me if I would take her back (check up 5 or so posts), wrote me a great post; I pretty much lied and said I wouldn't. The other night someone at the bar asked me the same thing... how did I respond? in my heart I would. But the question is, should I? That's the real question. Damn it's tough. This was my soulmate... was....

Very confused tonight. Regardless, I'm not going to respond tonight. I'm going to sleep on this. I rushed so many things when this all happened. I did everything you guys told me not to. But now, now that I'm doing it "right" ... low and behold.

I'm going to sleep on this and stick to my 180. If I don't respond tomorrow.. maybe I will keep NC for awhile longer...a few more days. It's all very confusing

Take your time. This is your life, you have to live with the consequences of this decision, not us. Spend a week or so thinking about this and visualizing how your life will look both ways and come to a decision you can live with. Don't make a snap decision you might later regret.

If you reply to her at all make it something short like "I'll think about it" and then go dark while you do. Don't immediately go back into full contact with her, you want to be clear headed while your considering whether it's really worth taking the risk or not.

So far, it's only words. What actions has she done to back any of it up? For example, she's willing to look for another job IF you take her back. An action would be to tell you she quit and found another job already, or got into IC to find out what caused her to do this to you.

And you also noticed that it was all about her and her feelings. Virtually nothing about your feelings. If she was your "soulmate", would she have stabbed you in the back in the first place? All I see is her poor attempt to emotionally manipulate you without her actually having to do any of the work.

For now 180 - 180 - 180!!! Strength. Others will be along soon with great words of advice but for now stay NC.

I've seen it so many times where the W does this then has contact with AP and bam, right back to A. Contact equals more pain right now, let her prove she wants back before you even consider contact.

Strenght and hugs.

This is one of the worst 'take me back' letters I've ever seen. Not once did she actually apologize. All she does is romanticize the past and the future. Not one mention of what she actually did. She wants to rugsweep, and you can't let her. I'm not saying not to R, but she has a long way to go before she worth R.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 10:14 PM, December 18th (Monday)]

...just remember...she's still with the OM...unless he got tired of her...in which case you are Plan B...

And she says she'll do things (get another job, go to AA, presumably stop f'ing the OM) if you take her back.

Yes stay with the 180 do not respond. Total desperation is what I see in her email. This is a classic case where you have been Plan B. The relationship soured beyond her wildest dreams with AP and she is reachiing out to her plan B -You.

You are an after thought and if you read it carefully it is all over her email. No apology anywhere, she is crying and reaching out because the relationship with her AP has failed. It's not what she hoped for and she now has buyer's remorse. Talk about an epiphany well hers came way too late.

I can't tell you what to do, all I'll say is just remember what you've been through. She ultimately walked out on you and went to the other man. Is he done with her now and told her to go back to you? You'll probably never know. I am loathe to believe that she came to her present realization and decision willingly. More than likely she was forced through circumstances she could not control. Please weigh every decision carefully.

Hey there feels,

First, let me say that I have followed your story from the beginning. I haven’t commented or offered advice because I don’t feel as though I’m seasoned enough to look past my own feelings and offer the type of advice that you, or anyone else on the site, needs and deserves.

I want to say a few things:

First, thank you for your service. Not enough can be said in that regard.

Your story hurts to read and I have felt your pain along the way. I can tell that you know what your head is telling you to do and what your heart is telling you to do are 2 different things.

With that said, I understand why that letter is hard for you to read. I want to tell you congratulations in a sense because that is what you wanted to hear and also COULD be the first step towards an alternative to D.

I do see a few red flags, as there always seems to be with a seemingly remorseful, regretsful WS (mine is no exception, and we are currently in limbo btw). That doesn’t mean to cease all of your efforts or change what you want, at least not for me. It means keeping your guard up and identifying what you will and won’t accept. That is something that only YOU can decide, and you damn sure don’t need to explain it to anyone and feel like you should say one thing or the other (D or R) depending on who the audience is. For what it’s worth my WW and I are both in IC and MC and the ups and downs are too real and too intense. Some sessions feel like the M ended right there on the couch, and others feel like we are finally getting back pieces of what we lost. I feel like I want out, because that’s what I SHOULD do out of respect for myself, but I don’t WANT to do that. It sucks. So I truely empathize with your state of mind.

My advice? Listen to posters like Bigger that are objective, non-judgmental about your decisions except when they feel as though they are unhealthy for YOU.

One more thing that I related to: your WW mentioned missing your smile. That hits home because one of the hinges my WW constantly mentions now (6.5 month’s post DDay and 2 months into MC) is that she can tell that there is a piece missing from me. She sees it in my smile. She sees my same smile sometimes (mostly when I’m with our kids), the same smile I’ve always had. But now she can see the happiness leave my eyes and smile suddenly. It’s been so hard for her to see that happen that it has caused her to really understand what she did to me and it has really hurt us. It has taken her a while, and still is taking time for her to accept that it may never be the same, or it might not be for a long time. Whatever her expectations are of me need to change if we are going to R, because I can’t hide the scars or what I’m dealing with. My WW basically wants me to be back to my old happy self so she doesn’t feel as guilty about her A.

Just keep this in mind if you do decide to break 180 and give MC a chance. Don’t allow her expectations of you to be unrealistic. It’s ok to want to take some steps (start small) while still going through your own pain. You shouldn’t be ashamed of that or have to hide any of your feelings to her. Once you own what you want and how you want to get it then you will always have the upper hand. Even if you want to fence sit or stay in limbo, that is fine for now. There is no need to rush into anything. One day at a time, one thing at a time. You’ll get to where your going in due time.

Best of luck to you Feels!

P.S.

“There will be an answer, let it be”

If it seems like I’m not angry it’s because I’m quietly planning the destruction of the world in my basement.

ItHasFeels

I agree with everyone here that this could be an over-emotional alcoholic marijuana induced reaction to her being served.

It also could be a way to manipulate you into getting a better deal in the D proceedings. Perhaps it’s a cruel trick because she’s mad you filed first.

It may also be that plan A has started to get fed up with her now that reality has hit and she wants plan B back for safety.

Or it could be that the fog is starting to lift and she sees that her mr Hyde self has ruined everything that her Dr Jekyl side had worked so hard to build up.

No need to respond right away. No need to respond at all if you dont want to, you could just let the lawyer do that.

However no matter what case I wrote above is true, or if there is another reason she wrote this note, the hard nosed reality is, she killed your marriage. She killed it when she returned his flirtations. She killed it when she slept with POSOM and let him put his D in her V. . She killed it when she went to live with him.

And her walking back through that door with bags in hand will not simply “unkill” it.

Some wrote that she never said “I’m sorry”. Not for anything. One other thing I don’t see is her saying “I left him”. “I left him and I’m sleeping on my friend’s sofa”. “I left him because he was not half the man you are and I’m sorry it took me so long to see that”.

For all we know she hit the send button and then went to bed and had sex with him.

As someone said, there are no actions here in this note. She could have said, I quit my job today and I never want to see him again. She did not.

It’s always nice to get something in these situations that says “you were right, why didn’t I listen to you”. After all, you’ve been through so much trauma. It was never fair to you. You’re a good man. She went for an asshole. I hope she’s finally seeing things as they really are. You deserve that.

But this is barely a first step. She would have to be ALL-IN for 2-5 years to make you feel safe again. She wasn’t ALL-IN even in this first letter. But it is a step.

But not one that should stop your plan. You have a good plan. School. Work. Meet new people. And yes, Divorce.

Nothing in this note should change any of that for now. In fact. You should probably divorce her no matter what. As I said, she murdered this marriage. If she really wants you she will let you have a fair divorce and then show you with her actions that you are truly the prize she wants.

So take your time. If you want, make her make the next move. NC is ok.

And when you are finally ready to respond my suggestion would be something like “thank you for your email. Two months ago you broke my heart and left me alone. The actions you took killed our old marriage and broke all trust. I finally have a plan to find myself happiness. I ask that we continue moving forward with it. If you truly think I am worth your future you will let your actions speak louder than your words. Perhaps after our divorce we can talk again. But it will take years of hard work for us to be more. I can’t go back to what our old marriage was, I can only move forward, and right now forward means ending our marriage as civilly as I hope we can. “

Others here will give you input as well. Take what works for you and use it to decide how to modify your plan or not change it at all.

Realize the actions you have taken (NC, 180) have gotten you to a point where you were able to get such a letter from her. Try to continue to commit to this process to get you back to happiness. That may be without her or maybe some day with her. The path to either is the same. I suggest you stick with your plan.

Take care friend.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:44 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

It looks like everything they do is designed to hurt us.

To be honest, I don't see a reason for R if you don't have kids. It's just not worth it. I'm just starting on that path and it is hell.

I also do not see the shame in divorcing - what they done to us is worth divorcing ten times over.

On the other hand - about her letter. Yes, it is all about her. But I think that waywards, once they start to come out of the fog, just don't have a fucking idea what they should do and how they should think. It's all alien to them. They think that professing their undying love should be enough for a start. They have no fucking idea. And she's definitely not done anything to get that idea.

Probably the best course of action would be let her (and you) steam for a few days. Your initial reaction will subside and you will be able to think more rationally again. Then, if you feel like responding, respond with something like "words are cheap".

Good luck to you, stay strong.

Ok that letter says a lot, and yet says nothing. A ton of words that drip narcissism, not remorse.

It's a five dollar scratch ticket. You grab a quarter and start scratching. One cherry, wait two, holy crap THREE cherries! The prize...$1.

Stay strong. Stay NC.

What a tough situation. I'm not going to tell you to let her go or keep her.

That's a decision only you will have to live with. None of us are in your shoes.

What I will say, is whatever you decide, lay down some clear boundaries.

If you to take her back, let her know what you will and will not tolerate. If she can't handle it, tough cookies. You've seen the list: total transparency, total honesty, IC, AA, blah blah blah.

If you decide not to take her back, ask her to please refrain from contacting you because you are trying to heal.

Whatever you do, you aren't accountable to us.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 2:58 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

I took some time to read your earlier posts.

From what I’ve read, you gave her a second chance already, she never committed and basically threw it back in your face and left to be with OM.

And now, she’s asking for a THIRD chance. What’s even surprising to me is how you’re even entertaining this notion.

What a fortunate woman she is for having to pay no consequences for her adultery if you choose to reconcile.

Think about how she perceives you. If she leaves for “OM” she leaves, and she can come back should her experiment with “OM” fails, she doesn’t have to worry because you would probably take her back. Sure, you can set strict terms and boundaries, but if you forgave her twice, why wouldn’t you forgive her one more time if she cheats again in the future ? This is the message you are sending to her.

As other posters have mentioned, not a hint of remorse in her letter. It’s all about her, her feelings, her dreams, etc.

I’m not normally against R, but in your case I honestly feel you are way too good for her. All the forgiveness you mustered to give her another chance and what did she do with it ? Remember that.

Please don't give in to temptation. Tugging on heartstrings is a low blow.

Stew on this for a few days (weeks even), and see how it turns out. Let your emotions settle down, and don't be impulsive. Am sure you have been in high-stress situations, and no doubt that you were taught not to act on emotions in those situations, so don't start now.

Take your time, read the email again a few times with a detached mindset. Pick it apart to see what she is really saying (my reading is that you should assuage her pain, not the other way around. That she wants to go back to her man-servant).

is it possible POS did not commit after she got the D papers.

just wondering. She was business like talking about wanting half of the house recently. Can emotions well up all of a sudden?

Regardless keep your professional mind in the front towards better prospects. That mindset will also help you to properly deal with this development either way you decide

[This message edited by goalong at 5:46 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

OM won't commit now.

Better think long term.

Could you live with this?

I have to say it's not a great letter. It's good in that she is putting herself out there and asking you if it's too late but... no mention of the affair, no mention of what she would do to earn your trust, no mention of OM not being in her life, admits to all the lifelines you through her but doesn't explain why she didn't take any of them.... She just lists a bunch of pretty memories.

I wish I could post Dolt10 thread (can't find it). He got a similar letter after he filed from his WW. He did not respond as he wanted to wait and see how serious she was... turns out she was still seeing OM when she wrote it. She just wanted to keep the divorce on the back burner.

How can I even begin a letter like this given all I've done? I've been going through in my head trying to string together the right words to poetically illustrate what I'm about to say, but there are none. There are simply four - I want us back.

I don't deserve you, I don't think I ever will again, but I want to spend every day trying to. Trying to be your goddess again - the girl you fell in love with at the beach. The one you came back for.

How did I come to this conclusion after so much time has passed? After all the lifelines you gave me?

I couldn't call the lawyer. My fingers wouldn't dial the number.

I've been burying the realities of what I've done with drinking and smoking.

The one place I can do neither of those things is work.

I'm overcome with loss and sadness at frequent and unpredictable times. I would jump up from my desk and go to the bathroom to cry and silent scream at what I've done. What I've shattered.

I would see your face, your eyes, sometimes a happy memory: Sitting in the sand in [HONEYMOON], becoming hypnotized by the waves lapping close to my feet and turning around to see your slow, casual gait - you coming towards me, your eyes switching between looking in mine and looking down. Our smiles synchronized. Such an effortless time. Just you and I and nothing else. Nothing to worry about as long as we were always coming toward each other.

Or I'd picture watching you play with [DOG]. I would see your hair flop over your face despite your headband. See your eyes look at me, know what you felt for me in that moment. Hear you laugh. Hear [DOG]'s panting laugh.

Always a memory where I would think in that moment, "this is where I belong."

But then I would clean myself up, bury those memories, and go back to my desk.

Sometimes I imagine where we'd be in a given moment, in the universe where I didn't do this to us. I picture us snuggling next to each other on my parents' couch while football played on Thanksgiving or decorating our apartment with little Christmasy nick nacks. I imagine us eating and [GAMING AT PLACE]. Feeling the glide of my bicycle as I trailed behind you. Even painting together and writing together. Because like you said, we could have been better than we were before.

This wonderful little universe I started to construct.

Finally, I couldn't bury it anymore. I started reading how to deal with this when I was the person who murdered it in the first place.

Nothing helped, until I read one line, which seemed irrelevant, given what I've already done. It said, "Who do you picture growing old with?"

And instinctively, I answered, "[MY NAME]."

And it all hit me at once. All the drawers in my mind that I locked away, flew open. All our memories. All our dreams. Everything we were going to accomplish together. It was you. The answer is always you.

Once that came back together, I couldn't stop crying. I felt what you've been feeling. Unable to bury the memories - a continuous flood of what was, what is now and what I hope could still be.

I was supposed to be the mother of our children. I picture a boy and girl, with green eyes and brown hair, your lips, your humor, your courage. I pictured them, and they faded. I went to one of those baby generator websites where you put in both of our pictures and they show you what your children look like. I saved it in my email. They're beautiful.

But they only exist in an alternate universe. The one we should be living in now were it not for me.

You begged me and begged me and begged me. Why couldn't I listen then?

When you were deployed, all I kept thinking in my mind was the line from [BOOK], [ROMANTIC QUOTE]

And now, all I can think of is how I destroyed that [THING]. It's like in the movie [MOVIE]. He wakes up, remembers where he belongs and comes back. But when he comes back, the flower has frozen to death. He never should have left.

I never should have left. I should have talked to you. I should have tried. I should have cherished you - us, our memories, our future, our future children and their families.

But I was too cold, too closed off, too focused on everything but us. You were right when you said you know me better than I know myself.

I keep hearing your voice saying you wish we'd have never come here.

I wish that too.

The drawers in my mind are open. I know what I have to do.

If there is even a shred of possibility, I need to come home to you. I need to fix my disaster and spend the rest of my life trying to deserve you.

I have no right to ask this of you, but I have to.

If you let me come back I will get another job. We can move to anywhere you want. I don't care. Whatever you want. Whatever gets me back to you, I will do.

It doesn't matter, as long as we're together again.

But most of all, I'll go to AA. I know I can't come back unless I take that step.

The Scientist has been on replay in my mind.

I want to be the person you love again. I want to go back to The Start.

Is there still a world where we can be together again or have I destroyed it completely?

I love you, how could I have ever believed that that was not true?

There's no I in remorse; and definitely not 75 of them. Your wife seems regretful, but is totally centered on herself rather than you.

[This message edited by badmemory at 8:16 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

IHF,

I hope you slept okay last night. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.

Anyway, upon first blush, I don’t think the letter is that one-sided. While not coming out and saying sorry directly, it is implied in her words. Further, she mentions steps she will take to get back together with you.

Additionally,, I don’t think you can expect her to write a perfect letter seeing this is, if I’m not mistaking, her first experience with this, as well. If this were a few months, or years, down the road, then I think the heavy usage of the word “I” in it would be much more concerning. Plus, it appears she is cognizant of the damage she caused, and is using the pronoun I to denote that she comprehends this fact.

On the other hand, as has been noted, its wise to sit on this for a few days, or so. While sitting on it, consider some questions you’d like answered by her, if you decide to entertain reconciliation. I think a few have been mentioned here, but I think when did the affair stop, or has it, and what books has she read about affairs? Has she sought out independent counseling to figure out why she messed up her life so badly?

Further, you may want to think about what actions you’d need to see from her, besides moving to wherever you’d like to go. AA, IC, books, weekly talks about the affair, being open to listen to you and your pain, date nights she plans, etc. Then you may want to take time to consider whether you want to have to go through this crap... I’m divorced, but I’m sure it’s not easy.

In any event, the choice is yours. We will support any decision that you make.

Best,

Drumstick

[This message edited by Drumstick at 8:33 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]