SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why do you believe that it will last? People often believe things that they are afraid may be true. It doesn't mean that it is though.

I think I've figured out why.

It's because I still allow myself to believe that I'm somehow responsible for the A.

If I am, then the relationship resulting from the A is justified, built on a stable foundation, and deeply rooted to flourish....the way I thought my marriage would.

But I am not responsible. No BS is responsible. If I (we) can get past these fictional and toxic thoughts, then I can stand by Ser's words with conviction vs. just hope.

It's just that for loving, humble, and devoted people, getting past taking responsibility for WS' behavior is almost as much of an obstacle as enduring that pain that it causes.

Man, we get the shaft.

[This message edited by invisible at 1:23 PM, December 31st (Wednesday)]

It's just that for loving, humble, and devoted people, getting past taking responsibility for WS' behavior is almost as much of an obstacle as enduring that pain that it causes.

Ain't that the truth!

Thanks Syzy for the reply. I figured thoughs that decide to stick it out would be like that. I like your reference to prison

Wonderful Post!

My foggy WW is still dreaming of a future with the OP but I see the cracks. She has finally after almost five months said that she fears she has done too much damage to our marriage for us to even try but in reading this post she is really too ashamed of her behavior.

Now that we are getting close to starting our divorce and I have disengaged she is all mopey and down. She even told me that she told her lawyer that I am a good man. But not good enough to keep herself from throwing our marriage under a bus with multiple EAs and a PA. She has her issues.

But her issues and how they led to her behavior have left me feeling some days like a battery attached to someone who has a short circuit. I get steadily drained of energy, love, and most importantly, self respect. Most days I can recharge myself and keep ahead of her dysfunction. Some days I cannot and they are low tide days. But when she is gone I will get back to fully charged and be the person I was before I met her.

This post helped me today when I needed it. Thanks!

Shirley Glass' research found that only 10% of the WS' that leave the marriage end up marrying the OP. And 80% of those marriages end in divorce.

Not good odds if you're an OP.

Shirley Glass also says that affairs that bring together two *former* lovers are destined to be successful. This was my situation. OW was high school buddy of his who he always had a crush on. It was like a friends with benfits friendship, they were never boyfriend/girlfriend. So I feel like if he knew her and loved her *before* I came along, I guess I never had a chance to beginn with.

SerJR, Thanks for that very enlightening post!! You're a genius and ought to write that book someone suggested.

It's just that for loving, humble, and devoted people, getting past taking responsibility for WS' behavior is almost as much of an obstacle as enduring that pain that it causes.

Not anymore, for me! I have been wondering why this has seemed so relatively easy for me... I believe it is because I was already emotionally prepared for it through his behavior over the years. Maybe that's why it feels like a relief; I went through the denial and anger over a period of years of suspecting... and it transferred neatly into the present. I hope.

I promise I'm not repressing anything, though -- my friends have been concerned that I'm bottling it up -- or I'm numb. Nah, I hurt but I have hurt worse in the past. Nothing will ever hurt as much as some of the things in the past.

I don't care if his affair works out or not (as long as it doesn't cost me anything) -- with his track record it doesn't seem likely - but more power to 'em.

My future WILL be better!

bump...

needs to be on top...

Listen to SerJR...his words come home to me like truth...

BIT

Often, once the betrayed spouse says “Toodles! Have fun with that” there is very little left to sustain the affair.

That made me laugh

In our particular case.. the A went on behind my back for a few months. Once my FWS moved out.. it lasted another whopping 8 days..

... I wish you would all come to my place for coffee ... I'm a year and a half in and feel like I just have sooo far to go ! I have million thoughts and questions ... ever wonder if your wayward parner still gives any of this any thought anymore ?

Thanks for the words of wisdom ...

Excellent post-has to be on the top.

Bumping as the topic of exit affairs came up

Huge Bump-just read it.

Just bumping. This is a great post. It really helped me in my thought process tonight. Thanks again for a great post SerJR.

I wonder if my X will tell the OM that she asked me for sex a couple of weeks ago. Hey, I'm human-she said he doesn't cut it in bed.

More lies to someone-I'm just glad I did my part to help them out in their new relationship

another bump. Can never hear this advice too much.

Ser,

This was a great post. And so true. I knew all this in my heart. But it still sickens me that they are still together.

But to illustrate how right you are, EH and OW are always fighting over him coming back to me so many times. There's no trust.

She has broken his front teeth out and sent him to jail for DV. AND Yet, he stubbornly refuses to walk away. He continues to see her in spite of a PPO imposed by the prosecutor. It's as though he is insane.

I feel like I won't start to heal until I know that their relationship is over.

tres... please know that the quality of his life has no direct influence on the quality of yours (asides, perhaps, from alimony/CS). Your life will only seem better than his, but you will, in fact, be no further ahead. It's difficult to come to accept that there are certain elements of our situations over which we have no control... but once we can understand that, we can focus on controlling our choices and unburden ourselves to take responsibility for our lives by effecting the change necessary to move us forward.

Ok well I have a different experience. My moms father (MF) had an A. My grandma found out by him bringing his gf up to the hospital when my mom was born. I don't remember how long they'd been together but my mom was their second child. Well MF chose his gf. She was so jealous that she didn't want him having ANYTHING to do with my mom or her sister. But he would sneak to see them sometimes anyways. But was a dead beat dad, who made promises, never kept them. Was just an awful person and father in my opinion. My mom finally told him to F off when she was a tween. He'd promised to see her on her birthday. He never called or showed, until 2 months later. After that he stopped all together.

Him and the OW married and had 3 kids. And are still married. Though im sure from his history its not a happy M. A few years ago their youngest child found us. She reached out and we've talked with her and the youngest boy. The oldest child isn't interested in us. But my new found aunt told us that if her mother knew or found out we were talking she'd have a stroke. My moms in her 40s!!!!! Is that lady really still that insecure?! Im sorry but I couldn't find a man who could so easily give up his children attractive. (Along with all his other issues) and that says soooo much about his OW.

I've never met him, don't care too. My mom doesn't know what he looks like, doesn't care too. Our lives have been more than fulfilling. But this is an instance where the A worked out. At least enough where they're still married. Again it doesn't sound so happily ever after to me though.

I met my XW under the best of conditions. We had a really cool meeting and courtship story. We were best friends, we loved each other, we had fantastic and passionate sex together, we shared the same values and interests and we did a lot together. Her family loved me and everyone thought we were the best couple they'd ever seen. And yet, eight years into our relationship, she had an affair that was so important to her that, to this day, she has never admitted it to me or shown remorse for it. She destroyed our M for the OP. We are divorced and have not spoken for over a year. She is still with the OP as far as I know. He was married. He was a friend and a former co-worker. He still works in a public service with my XW. All I can say is good luck to them both. A relationship created through this kind of betrayal has got to be hell. And I imagine if my XW ever does think about me she either is still in denial and hates me, or she feels great shame for her actions. Either way, bad place to be.