SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The longer you have any contact with the OM, the longer it will take for you to be cured.

Seeing him brings all those back. He is going through the same thing, but his spouse has probably got him under the gun as well as she should.

If you speak to him..you are going back to square one, hurting your husband all over again. If you think about it, it is quite selfish. It's getting a "fix".

You're right. I know you're right. Just have to get past my selfish shit (I am starting to realize how horribly selfish I actually am although it's hard to really wrap my head around).

Right or wrong I appreciate hearing that he is likely going through the same things, too. I am feeling so isolated and alone in this and as my mind wanders I begin to think that he is just fine. I need to know that this just isn't the case. We shared such intimate details with each other which makes it hard to think it's now an enemy holding that in his memory. I guess I should have thought that over before I told/showed him all of that.

As far as feeling numb toward my spouse...it's there. There are moments of normalcy when I look at him and remember the man I married, why we are together in the first place. I like the idea of trying to forge a new bond rather than resuscitating the old bond we shared when we first got together so many years ago. We need to share something new to reconnect.

I think the more that I invest in R with my H that I will begin to forget about OM. At least I hope so.

It's just so hard at this point.

Florida Red Man -- Thank you for posting this. If my XH had truly understood this one point after D-Day, I don't know that we would have divorced at all.

He refused to have NC with her because "Kharma, you don't do that to friends."

That broke my heart.

So true!! My EA was with a very long term friend, someone I had known for almost 20 years. And that friendship is GONE. I will never speak to him again. It was very hard to accept back then, I kept writing on here "20 years!!" and people PM'd me "your own fault!" and over time I came to see how true that was.

I think the more that I invest in R with my H that I will begin to forget about OM. At least I hope so.

This is what you need to focus on, Mrs. Rude, now more than ever.

There are many suggstions on how to stop thinking of the AP. One is to picture a big, flaming red STOP sign or perhaps a "WARNING! EXTREME DANGER!" sign. Another is to find something to do that completely engages your attention, reading a book, doing crafts, anything that will take your mind off the AP and engage it 100%. Make yourself too busy to think about him. If nothing else, come on here and post when you start thinking about him or feel the urge to break NC. We'll talk you through it.

These first few months after Dday are the roughest. Your BH is in shock and angry and you're going through withdrawal. But now is the time to really reconnect and be there for each other.

This site will help you both get through this, with advice from those who've BTDT, insight and a shoulder to lean or cry on.

It's just so hard at this point

Yes, we know it's hard but it does get easier and you have help. It's hard to acknowledge that you are the sort of person who could do such a thing, it's hard finding out WHY you could do this but it's so important that you do.

You're on the right path. It's a bumpy path, full of potholes and setbacks but it's the right one. You CAN make it through this.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 5:03 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]

Authenticnow,

Being strong is so hard, and it was a very long road getting there. I believe you’ve written somewhere that the posts that make you uncomfortable are actually the ones that you should take to heart. Lots of responses I received were along the lines of “you’re allowing him to continue this behavior”. This was so hard for me to comprehend at first. I kept saying to myself, but I’ve told him how I felt.

It took IC, lots of reading (including SerJR’s 180) and posts here on SI before it finally sank in. I realized I can talk till I’m blue in the face and he won’t take a single word I’ve said to heart.

So yes, I’m taking care of myself because I have a wonderful child who depends on me to stay sane. I only need my son and family. Those who treat me like sh!t can take a hike because I deserve better than this.

Life is too short to live in misery.

Big E hug to all the folks here on ((( SI ))). Your support has given me me clarity and empowerment to be strong.

Right or wrong I appreciate hearing that he is likely going through the same things, too

Mrs.Rude, I know that you are going through withdrawals and I understand withdrawals..I really do. But you have to stop romanticizing and hoping for something that is truly a dead end street.

It's definitely not the right thing to do.

Mrs. Rude

Looks like you are newer than I am (my D-Day 1/31/2010) So you must be really going through some crazy shit right now.

I've been on this site (as a recommendation from my BS's friend) and have spent a LOT of time reading posts and the one common message if you want to R is NC!!! No Contact!!! No Contact, No Contact, No Contact!!!

Now, it's a LOT easier for me to say that after 3 weeks, but it was extremely hard not to at first. I know what you're feeling and going through. There are so many questions unanswered and you're DYING to find out what he's going through and what he's feeling....it's only natural. Afterall, you had a "Connection" (that's what we call it when we are disillusioned with the OP) It's true that you can't turn off feelings even when you want to.....and if you want to R you NEED to.

Floridaredman said it very well and gave some great advice(good responses there!!) Bottom line is this..... if you want to R, it's a NO-BRAINER that you HAVE to hold that as rule #1....NC !!!

Everyday will get better and if you and your BS are going to work on things, this OM (OW in my situation) is an ENEMY of the marriage. They are not welcome. Period!

Chances are there will be many little things that will remind you of the A....maybe a song on the radio, maybe something you did together, a smell of there cologne, it could be that you will now start hearing this person's name over and over again just to torture you........I can go on and on, just as everyone on this website. Yes they are painful reminders that you will have to deal with on your own.

You don't need to make it worse by establishing ANY kind of contact.(I've read on this site someone compared it to ripping a scab off)

I'm no expert and I'm just as guilty as you and every other WS on here, but what I have committed to is an honest R with my BS, but it HAS to start with rule #1.

NC

I hope this helps, and feel free to reply. We have a tough road ahead of us....

Married 5 Yrs

Me-39

Her (BS) 37

1 boy (almost 3)

Dday- Jan. 31, 2010

Status: Unknown ...Reconciliation in progress if I'm lucky??

Chances are there will be many little things that will remind you of the A....maybe a song on the radio, maybe something you did together, a smell of there cologne, it could be that you will now start hearing this person's name over and over again just to torture you........

I was watching the show Weeds the yesterday on DVD and folding the laundry trying to get everything out of my mind when I realized that one of the main characters has the same name as the OM. It was driving me crazy! I love the show but I just wanted it to stop! Thought that was funny considering this excerpt from your post.

I just spent the last twenty minutes chatting with a friend of mine whose M ended after the discovery of her affair and her unwillingness to give the M another shot became evident. Although I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone it's nice to know that others understand where I am coming from/how I feel/that I'm really truly not alone.

Smoked and listened to the music again this afternoon after work. I knew it wasn't healthy, just an uncontrollable urge. The friend I mentioned a second ago said I need to do anything I can to ease the pain/feel like myself again/take care of myself. I'm trying to let myself feel the emotions of this without denying them.

Set up an individual appointment with my MC for tomorrow after my class. This gives me no reason to linger afterward to see if we fall back into conversation and someone to immediately talk to about my feelings upon seeing OM again for the first time since D-Day.

Badconnection: I am going through some crazy shit right now! Hate that you have to be there, too, but again I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Thanks for your post.

Floridaredman: Thanks for your insights, they are really helping me. Every post helps me to see something I hadn't yet considered which is helping so much. Not romanticizing is hard.

Clarissa: I like the big STOP/WARNING sign. I'll give that a shot tomorrow. Seriously! As Badconnection points out...he is an enemy of the M whether I like it or not.

[This message edited by Mrs. Rude at 9:17 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]

Kharma and everyone else who has thanked me for this post, I am humbled. I am just sharing what I have learned and I appreciate you taking time to post your kind words and thoughts.

Mrs. Rude, you will look back at this in the future and badly criticize yourself for falling into this situation, you will be ashamed of your actions and your feelings at this present time. When the fog lifts and you can see clearly, you will say these very words if not verbatim

"What the hell was I thinking???"

I think a lot of us have said that and continue to say it.

The OM is an enemy and he is spiritually killing you, your marriage and most of all your husband.

I find this to be a very painful consequence, but a necessary one. The AP figured it out before I did...But I was left pregnant from the A and had a child to love and a marriage to repair and involvement somehow because of the child. My BS absolutely wants him accountable financially for the child but that also means connections. Complicated...daily I question what the hell was I thinking????

Quick mantra for you,

"Friends is code for an EA"

remember it and say it out loud when tempted to break NC. There is no "friends." When you say you want to be "friends" likely you're fishing or lying to yourself.

"Friends is code for an EA"

remember it and say it out loud when tempted to break NC. There is no "friends." When you say you want to be "friends" likely you're fishing or lying to yourself.

Excellent post. I wished I'd been this smart at the time...

I wished I'd been this smart at the time...

Heh. The Wayward's Lament. Me too.

i have a unique wrinkle on this problem...

my fww stopped the PA many many years ago but insisted that she was able to "put him back in the friend" category...

she maintained occasional contact with him for many years (keeping the flame flickering just a wee bit???)...

if she had gone NC way back then.. I would never have stumbled on her emails to him, and would never have discovered her LTA..

Bumping because this is a great thread .

I have always been grateful that my H understood this immediately.

i have a unique wrinkle on this problem...

my fww stopped the PA many many years ago but insisted that she was able to "put him back in the friend" category...

she maintained occasional contact with him for many years (keeping the flame flickering just a wee bit???)...

if she had gone NC way back then.. I would never have stumbled on her emails to him, and would never have discovered her LTA..

To the latter part of your post,perhaps not..you may not have found out, but you did. I think you may have found out another way. The truth is like water, it always finds a way in or a way out.

Part of me wants to believe my FWH could have finally maintained a safe boundary (emailing only) with his new awareness but am I going to let him? NO!!!!!

He's been way too nice, gullible, and willing to believe anyone who calls him friend. Grown-up reality might be kind of harsh but I can be fun too! Some people who you might think are nice are actually MEAN!!!

She was the one filling the barrel with powder. When I made him aware of how her actions were still based on her tendency to groom potential partners, he became acutely aware of why he needed to protect himself, as well as our marriage.

This is a serious consequence of a sad situation. There's too much stress in having a spark around a powder keg.

>>Bump<<

...because I guess I still hope that my WH will read on SI...

great post!

my FWH too, wanted to keep his friendship with OW coz they grew up together, went to school together, were best friends ect.. it took him almost 4 months to stop and another year (and broken NC) to stick to it. as for me, NC immediately with OM because i knew how torturous and painful it was for FWH to put his and OWs feelings before my feelings and our marriage.

you cannot be friends with someone who thinks so little of your BS or your marriage.

any kind of A hurts the BS in the most painful way possible, and staying "friends" with the OP is giving you the weapons and the ok to continue to torture them by placing OP above the feelings of BS. just cant happen..

[This message edited by cantbeleive123 at 9:31 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]