SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well played, Lotsa...

First of all, wounded_husband, I'm sorry for what you're going through. My situation is eerily similar to yours, so I can relate.

LIS, is right. With a little time on Google and a few bucks you can get the info you need. Or you can hire a PI. It's very important you put a stop to this crap, if you want a chance.

The fact that she is his student gives you a lot of power, and I'm glad you've contacted the Dean. In my sitch, my WW is no longer his student, and though she now works at his side she is not on the university's payroll, and she does not report to him. This has allowed the school to sweep the matter under the rug, unfortunately. DO WHAT YOU CAN!!

Good Luck!

Wounded, I encourage you to keep on posting. If you don’t agree with the advice given then counter it. Argue with us. But don’t just run away. What you are dealing with is way too serious to ignore.

Thanks Bigger. And I haven't run away...I've been trying to focus on my new job and finish my thesis in time for a fall defense (I really could not have found out at a worse time...I was in the middle of 9 months of renos that she initiaed and then stopped helping with...ARGH!)

I have confirmed with OM's wife, and I am starting counselling next week (by myself). I'm still hurt and angry...especially by WW comment's she is sorry she hurt me but not sorry it happened...but I'm holding up a little better.

We had a nice chat via FB last, and it helped us both...we're trying to deal with the past so we can make the next 3-4 months livable, sicne neither of us can afford to move out on our own yet. I'll be leaving where we live (my preference). She has said she will not have sex with him while we are living together, but I really don't beleive that, and of course she will still be contacting him and seeing him...I'm a fool to think otherwise.

So that's where I am at. Now, back to the thesis...

Ok, another update:

I had a melt-down yesterday, and hacked her email account again...got some good evidence should the divorce go nasty...and I found that she is telling him she wants to live alone and figure out what and who she wants. When she found out I had hacked it, she almost had a nervous breakdown at work...sent me panicked messages on FB and my email such as :

"I have only decided that I want to be living on my own now!!....beyond that I have no idea yet ......everything is fucked up.....and I am going off the deep end with this crap "

Then, after we had chatted briefly:

"my internet crashed and I did not get any of the last 5-10 min of chats .....I did not log off intentionally!!!

please tell me what else you said!

please......

I do love you ***** ........please forgive me ......."

Then, one minute later,

"please check this !

I am so very worried about you honey..... "

I have no idea what to make of this, espeically since I also discovered she shares some of our conversations with OM...even forwarded an exceptionally personal email I wrote, telling her how much I still love her and what this is doing to me (last time I do THAT).

What do you folks make of this?

Without knowing what you found out from the e-mail hack, I guess I don't know entirely what to make of it either. Clearly she's "got the wind up" and is spooked that the formerly pleasant diversion of the A is threatening to spin out of her control. And here she is out in the field where she can't do much about it.

So perhaps she's decided that soothing you with sweet lovey-talk is the best way to bring you to heel remotely for now and stop you from doing any more damage to her fantasy world.

How'd she figure out you hacked her account? Has anything come of your conversation with OMW, or with the Dean? People here frown on confronting OPs, but I must admit I'd be sorely tempted in your case.

No she claims I am trying to 'control' her by hacking her account for evidence and for telling the OM's wife that they were havign unprotected sex. WTF??!@

Wounded,

classic wayward response. You aren't controlling her-- just reacting to a horrid situation that she caused.

Don't buy the manipulation.

Stay strong.

You contacted other piece of shit's wife? Good. Keep that line open.

She is still choosing opos over you-- and herself over everything else.

Don't reveal sources... ever... know this flies in face of thesis, but...

(((wounded)))

Basically you act and behave as if you are accepting and welcoming the fact that you are leaving infidelity – with or without her.

This is a brilliant distillation, Bigger.

Having been there I know a thesis can create a parallel universe of pressure and stress so try as you can to focus on your work. During my d-day I managed to isolate my work as my “away time”. I would sit in my car for a few minutes and empty my mind of infidelity before clocking inn. It takes some effort but it can really work and be highly beneficial to you.

One trick (seeing as you are working on your own) is to have an alternative (preferably physical) activity when you realize you are entering and dwelling in infidelity thoughts. Something like taking a walk, jog or doing pushups. In a relatively short time you will discover that you can control a lot about what you think and how you deal with it.

What are your feelings on separation? If she goes off to live on her own then what would you want to do? Wait? Would it be a conditional separation and how can either of you enforce those conditions?

Great work on talking to OMW! What was her reaction?

Notice how now your wife has set the OM off the condition that they move in together or have a formal relationship? Now she is accepting that she alone leaves her marriage but not with the direct demand or intention of him moving in. As is he’s getting a free card. Generally when a AP get’s a free card they will use it.

We can often quite accurately predict the reaction in infidelity. This is based on a lot of experience and seeing the same reaction time and time again in similar cases. So I can give you a fairly accurate list of what might happen now. Key word here is FAIRLY. Each and every case is unique so although this is what MIGHT happen be open for other options:

If OMW confronts him his initial reaction will be to work on saving the marriage. The affair will go into a temporary hiatus. The length and effectiveness of this hiatus will depend heavily on the outside pressure to permanently end the affair.

So if you separate (even conditionally) then within 2-3 weeks he will have contacted your WW and the affair will resume. It will possibly start “innocently” (a cup of coffee for “closure”) but will escalate to a full affair again soon.

So what you do is apply and maintain the pressure:

Keep in (limited) contact with OMW.

Expose to the faculty.

Read my post about refusing to share.

I also recommend you make YOUR wishes clear to WW. Do so in an open, frank and humble way. Acknowledge that the roots of the present problems MIGHT be in your affair and/or drinking. Make it clear that of all the things you would want tor reconcile. That the ONLY requirement is that the affair is over and that you both commit to the marriage. But most importantly – you are fully at peace with the FACT that sharing her is worse than losing her.

OM and OMW are seperating. WW plans to continue to see him. She flat out told me she is putting herself first. And when talks to me, all she is interested in is what I know, what I have told OMW, and telling me this is all my fault.

Hence, I am not botherign with seperation but heading straight to divorce. I sent her an emiail asking her when she would be home, so I won't have to be here. I've asked her for her school schedule for the same reason. Then I asked if she and OM are willing to subsidise my rent for the next few months so I can move out of the home I've been renovating for nine months as of October 01.

Now I just need to stay strong and go full NC. It's so hard..I have so few freinds I can turn to with this, and WW has alwasys been my best friend.

Thanks for all the help and kind words.

Ok, I told her I didn't want her to contact me again, and today she sent me a FB message:

how are you doing today? A bit better I hope.......

I love you and will check back here if you want to talk to me at all.....If not I understand.

This is also after I asked her to send me an email about exactly how I have been controlling her. She hasn't replied to it yet.

I feel like I am going mad...what is she doing?!

My x loved me too. It's called compartmentalization.

Crazy making stuff for sure.

Big hugs. None of this is easy.

Let your lawyer take care of things from this point on. Have you contacted his employer?

Hah! I can't afford a lawyer...I can barely afford groceries. A grad student lives cheque-to-cheque.

Employer will do nothing.

College profs-student relationships are banned these days and rightfully so even if both parties are above the age of consent. I suggest you contact the university admin about their conduct.

Sounds like she is wanting to keep you as a backup plan. Mine did the same thing. It is intoxicating for a person with low self esteem to have two men after her. Out the A to the university. Most schools have a policy against student/prof relationships.

All in all it sounds like you are off on the right track.

Let’s begin with these basic assumptions: You are not willing to share her. You can recover from losing her but you can’t accept sharing her.

OK – if that is correct then you rightly deduct that since she isn’t willing to end the affair then there is no way you can avoid the later assumption.

I’m also taking it that you want a husband-wife relationship with her so any friend-friend relationship isn’t going to make it.

Ergo: Since you won’t share her. Since she won’t end the affair. Since you can’t be husband/wife the foregone conclusion is that a relationship between you is doomed.

OK – with me so far?

So let’s look at what SHE wants. She wants to be alone. She wants to separate. She wants to move in with OM. Notice what she ISN’T saying? She isn’t saying that these wishes of hers basically mean the marriage is over and you have to divorce. At the moment she is AFRAID of that part.

Now – if you want it then there is still hope for reconciliation BUT it requires (IMHO) a very strange-sounding and seemingly counter-productive approach. One that you more or less are implementing right now.

It requires that you DETACH DETACH DETACH and move on.

At the moment she’s uncertain. If you interact, beg, cry or break down then she will feel worse BUT that feeling will be based on PITY for you. Now pity is not a positive emotion for building a relationship. Pity tends to lead to pathetic. Allow her to feel pity for you and eventually she will feel that you are pathetic. It’s hard to base a relationship on pity but it’s downright impossible to base it on pathetic!

So what you do is you detach.

I take it you don’t have kids.

I take it you share the lease and loans on the house.

If you can avoid arguments over who gets the vase, who gets the REM cd’s and so on then divorce is relatively simple (from a technical POV). It’s simply a calculation of debts vs. assets and finding ways to distribute that load evenly. Spend some time online to find out what applies in your state. If there is a legal department nearby (seeing as it sounds like you are in a school environment) you can probably get most of the work done free of charge.

DO NOT enter into arguments regarding the divorce. No need to bend over backwards to accommodate her but if there are any issues then refer them to legal advice.

Since she won’t be getting her actions justified through feeling pity for you she WILL become argumentative. She will try to make arguments an excuse for why she HAD to get away from you.

Arrange a schedule where you interact as little as possible. Get all the practical issues out of the way ASAP. Separate the finances.

I do think you should make a formal complaint at the school. I won’t press you on that but I do feel that you would feel better if you did. Furthermore this is not the first nor will this be the last case where the OM is “separating” only to never see it through. I could argue that exposing formally at the school would do your wife an immense favor since it might force OM hand. I would say the odds are heavily stacked towards OM not leaving his wife and your wife having sacrificed a marriage for empty promises.

You should DEFINITELY talk openly about the affair. Friends and family should know that you are divorcing because she is having an affair with prof.xxx. Some might argue that this exposure would make reconciliation harder. Well – it might. But right now R isn’t even an open option. Experience shows that exposure places pressure on the WS to end the affair so by doing this you might eventually create the situation where R is possible.

Yes....What Bigger said, especially this--------->

Experience shows that exposure places pressure on the WS to end the affair so by doing this you might eventually create the situation where R is possible.

We don't have kids, a lease or a home. We rent her parent's basemest suite, which I have been renoing (they are paying for it). Splitting the possessions will be easy...I leave with less than I came in with, and I am fine with that. We don't have joint accounts, so that is not an issue either. Oh, and Bigger, I did tell her I would rather lose her than share her. She wanted a seperation to 'figure herself out', which meant continuing to see him. I'm the one who said if that was the case, then we may a well divorce.

Funny thing...I sent her a message the other day, repeating my request that she and OM perhaps subsidise an apartment for me so I can get the hell out of here ASAP. I also asked her when she will be home, and what her school/ work schedule will be, so I can avoid seeing her. She has not responded to those requests. She just sent me a message about how she saw something that reminded her of a wonderful time we had, and then asked if I wanted to talk (by that she meant chat) on FB. WTF is up with her?

I sent her an email back, that said "Talk, I'm listening". I think she may want to pump me for more info about what I know via chat, something she knows I will not give out via email.