SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You seem to think that a WS expieriencing grief or anger or frustration is not owning their shit. That's not true. It's part of the process.

when did i say or imply that? please point it out to me.

the only thing i've tried to say is that this post is just as valid for wincing to post as is a post about the WS grief. Perhaps you should start a new one that talks only about WS's grief. saying this post is valid is in no way, shape, or form invalidating WS grief.

icbtih8...

Perhaps you should start a new one that talks only about WS's grief

This is the WS Forum...it is not your place to tell a WS where/what to post.

Every WS in this forum has a right to their feelings and opinions without the concern of being censored by a BS in here.

Thank you.

In summation I understood that to attempt to R not only does a WS have to deal with

1. Realizing what they've done by having an A

2. Being accountable for their decision to have an A

a)accountable to themselves

b)accountable to their spouse

This feat is compounded because not only does a WS have to deal with their own issues, pain, baggage, etc., but they have to deal with the fact that they have inflicted all of these issues, pain, baggage, etc., on their spouse through and within the A.

It's a monumental task to have to heal yourself but then to have to take someone else into consideration as well as your marriage. Fair or not, a WS has exponentially increased their workload if they want to R with their partner. So be forewarned, it's not for the faint of heart.

This thread has increasingly confused me. The above is what I got from wincings post. I'm sure I'll be clued in to what I'm not getting and thank you in advance because I'll appreciate knowing how and where I went astray.

[This message edited by lucidlunacy at 10:49 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

I'm glad that you and your H have been able to navigate R. I've really appreciated this thread for providing other perspectives and what has worked.

I was hoping you would further explain what you meant when you said

"In our situation, we would never have reconciled if my H behaved the way described on here. It would have just confirmed my belief that we could not recover and that our marriage was over."

Does this mean he unequivocally knew he wanted to R independent of you and didn't waver? No anger or uncertainty? I ask mainly out of sheer amazement at that kind of strength and self-assuredness. How long was it before you committed to fixing the marriage? Does it make sense to you that as a BS I feel/felt more like you and I needed him to be sure?

I was telling him on dday that I wanted to leave our marriage. Of course he was upset and angry, but even at this point he said he wanted us to stay together. After 24 hours and around 6 hours of discussion, I agreed that I would try, but I told I really did not know if I could do it. That was enough for him, but he did say that he could not go through it ever again.

And, no, he has never wavered, other than a few moments of intense anger where he has maybe said, I should have just let you go with %^$^^$. He has never said this seriously, outside of an angry outburst, and he has told me hundreds of time how glad he is that I stayed with him. Everyone on here talks about reconciliation as a gift that the BS gives to the WS, but my H has treated me like it was a gift I gave to him. That is not to say that he is not terribly hurt that I betrayed him and loved someone else, but he feels like in the end I showed him love by staying.

I am sure that it would have been much different had I not been so remorseful and willing to devote myself to doing whatever I could to help us restore our marriage.

Onlysolution-

Your story reads completely differently from mine. Almost a 180. I wasn't given complete honesty when I learned of the affair. A lot of my confusion and frustration came from being told that it was a huge mistake and he didn't want me to leave or lose me. I'd offered to go. An A seemed a pretty clear way to let me know he wanted something else. I didn't want to be with someone who was settling for me. I told him it'd be painful but I'd be okay and as hard as it was we both needed to be honest. Maybe something was lost in translation then but we're still trying to get to the honesty part. What seemed simple to me...

I'm learning a lot and trying to figure things out. Hopefully I'll figure out how things are being mistranslated and communicated. I really hope one day he'll be able to see what I saw in him. I think we see totally different images/people.

Thank you for your reply. Every situation is so different people really do view things through different lenses but for good reason.

This has been an interesting thread. Thank you everyone for your comments.

I'm going to close the door on this one.

Mighty moderators, if you could turn the key please and lock it down? Thank you.