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I am one of the ones that wanted every detail...every gory detail. And I got it.

I know the OW in our case - she is someone I went to college with. I refused to allow there to be anything intimate and private left of their time with one another. Sadly, prior to d-day he had already tried some "new" things with me - which was one of my big clues. Funny how it turns out that it was something that really "turned her on".

My H and I sat with our MC sometime in month 3. He told me everything...positions, how she responded, what the first time was like, what she did to him, what he did to her. She had had an accident sometime in the early months of the relationship and darn it but her iv lines and her issues made it less what the early times were! The recalling of these things in our session was very painful for my H - to have to say it all out loud allowed him to feel the full weight of just how far from his true self he had become. It was important for me to also see the level of disgust he had for his actions. It was very very painful to hear it all - but I haven't regretted it a single day. There is nothing nothing left dear or precious in my Hs mind as now with every details is the experience of telling me and our MC it. It's as if I am now in the room with his memories of it. Gross!

In the end I have reclaimed every bit of it. Truth is any one of us woman can act like a whore in bed (and frankly that can be fun all by itself). We can rock our mans world even better than an OW. Knowing what I was up against allowed me to raise the sexual stakes - our sex life has never been better. Thanks OW!

It's really a personal thing. I no longer have mind movies because the reality of what my H and I have been sharing physically these past months leave little room for some old OW mind movie. This to me has been really rehabilitating.

[This message edited by liveandlearn47 at 6:39 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)]

I asked WH because I never denied him anything. I let him experiment. I never rejected him in that area of our relationship. I am a very pretty girl and I love sex and I loved it with WH. I always wanted/want it. I'm not the wife that quits putting out after marriage. My husband rejected me all the time. He would always tell me to go use a toy when I was in the mood. Cruel, right?

So, yeah...I wanted to know. Part of me wanted to know what I did wrong. Part of me was seeking to help my self esteem through the devastating blow of a PA that he taped and took the time to make into a home movie with special software.

Oh and OW told me the sex in itself wasn't that good. That's why they did it so many times in a 2 day period. It wasn't satisfying.

I wanted to know how he could cheat with an old girlfriend that had such an ugly face!?! I mean, even my ugly friends thought she was ugly. She didn't hold a candle to me-period. I had hoped he had at least put the American Flag over her wretched face and did it for Old Glory.

[This message edited by AngryBee at 6:44 PM, February 9th (Wednesday)]

i NEVER asked. we didn't R though. there was lots of false R.

it was never something i even thought about asking.

he was so bad in bed that i figured 1) it must be better with someone else b/c we sucked in that dept. 2)since our sex life was so bad,i was sure anything they did was better and different to him.

I found out the details by reading their dirty texts including pics to each other. I don't think I would have asked for the gory details but I'm kinda glad I know. Nothing out of the ordinary and I'm sorry OW just can't compete with 13 years of practice knowing EXACTLY how to please each other.

I found out the details by reading their dirty texts including pics to each other. I don't think I would have asked for the gory details but I'm kinda glad I know. Nothing out of the ordinary and I'm sorry OW just can't compete with 13 years of practice knowing EXACTLY how to please each other.

1. I wanted NO SECRETS between FWW & the OPs.

2. I could imagine WAY worse than what actually took place.

3. I needed FWW to have to look me in the eye and tell me the shameful things she did. It tore her up, but she had to own every bit of it.

I hate to admit it, but I always thought my FWH sucked at sex. I would usually be the one 'in control' so to speak. He would get his in about 5 minutes flat, and fall asleep, not really caring about me. I would have to psych myself up to have sex, or forget about ever having an orgaism that quick. It was 50/50 if I had one or not. That was the really confusing thing. HOW they did is was definitely a curiousity for me. Also WHY!?

I definitely think she was the agressor, but H denies that. I think his guilt just compels him to accept all the responsibility. But, it was her who invited him to her apartment. At the apartment, it was him that kissed her first. So I guess they talked about it and decided HE started it.

Sometimes I wish I didn't know the details, but at this point I don't think it really matters. I know! That is all that really matters. It is especially painful for me because I don't have any other experience, except for that of my H. It was always so special to me, that we both only knew each other in that way. Now it is gone, and I still mourn that loss.

I had to ask. For me I needed to know everything or at least everything that he would tell me.

I'm sure my mind movies were much worse but it has caused issues for me.

I had to hear they had sex when I was only a few feet away in the kitchen (they were in the shed). Sexual acts she liked but I don't. Open places they did it at.

Really sucks that I know her and picture it in my head. But hey I asked and I still wouldn't have had it any other way.

We live together but I never recovered.

I asked only a few details. It was mostly specific things I HAD to know. A few questions I asked simply for shock value...I felt like hey you did it...now just say it out loud and see how it sounds. Guess I'm kind of mean like that.

By the time I got around to wanting answers to sex questions, it was because now-ex hadn't answered most any of my questions honestly. Frankly, I was asking the questions to force him to look at the truth of what he had done, and the devastation he caused. It wasn't about wanting to hear the answers, for me.

Because it means the WS is betraying the AP--- to YOU, the rightful spouse.

My STBX/FWH refused to tell me the details because he wanted to keep them in his tiny little cheating mind and cherish them.

That's one reason why he is now my STBX.

[This message edited by jolene at 5:04 AM, February 10th (Thursday)]

My imagination is worse than reality.

That is exactly why I had to know.

For myself, I asked because I had to know. HAD to know if there was something I was, or was not, doing that FWH found MORE satisfying elsewhere with someone else. I HAD to know for ME.

FWH has never been (still isn't) verbal about what he likes/doesn't like/etc. It's been like that for nearly 25 years. It's always been a "guessing game" for me.

I didn't know if his ONS was because he felt he was missing out on something that he wasn't getting. Or if he in fact did not find me sexually attractive, but only had sex with me over the years because of some irrational perception of "duty". Or, something else all together.

My questioning him about the "details" was more about ME than it was about him.

I have no regrets about asking. None at all.

But I certainly understand others NOT wanting to hear the details. Perhaps better that way short-term - IMHO.

Not knowing just wasn't going to work for me.

PLUS, I didn't understand it at the time, MAKING him VERBALIZE what he did made the actual act FACT vs. FANTASY - and it "smacked him in the face" again on just how disgusting, disrespectful and unsatisfying it was to him. A heavy dose of reality if you will.

[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 8:30 AM, February 10th (Thursday)]

I have recently received just about every possible detail - not just dates and locations, but specifics of his "porn-star" size , duration problems (he finished very quickly), positions, feelings, how many times she climaxed, the whole 9 yards.

I can't say it felt good to read it. But I have to say, I imagined a lot worse and she said it was cathartic to release the secrets.

So far it has helped me to know.

For me it was the fact like others said MY imagination is way worse than reality. I didn't want them to have any secrets and I wanted to know if it was special or just sex.

I wanted to have ammunition if she ever called again. I wanted to be able to let her know that I knew everything. That she meant so little to him that he told me the truth about everything.

I do not need or want details.

I see the point of making the WS own it by telling you the details BUT you are never going to know everything. You will only know what they choose to tell you. You will never know EXACTLY what was said or how they felt...there is no possible way of knowing such details unless you were in the room.

By asking your WS to confess all the details so they no longer have any secrets with their AP (IMO) isn't possible.

If having more details make healing possible for you than do it, but you will never know everything.

Someone mentioned earlier in this thread about knowing the details in order raise the stakes...I could never imagine wanting or trying to compete with affair sex. I am not going to stand on my head for my H to show him that sex with me is better.

1. So I can end the mind movies in my imagination. At least I know.

2. He did this on MY TIME! He STOLE from me! I want to know exactly what.

3. How intimate was the sex? What did it mean?

4. He needs to look me in the eye and face the music and tell me everything. He was bold enough to do this shit? Now be bold enough to tell me about it! He needs to see my pain and feel his own shame.

5. He's not allowed to have any secret memories of their time together. What he knows, I need to know.

5. He's not allowed to have any secret memories of their time together. What he knows, I need to know.

I understand this is what you need to heal. BUT will he ever be able to tell you enough? Will there come a time when you think you do know everything?

You can't know everything, he can only tell you so much. He can tell you physically what happened. Will you ever believe that he has told you all there is to know?

Think this quote is true for a lot of us....

I think, for me, the reason I wanted to know the sex details was to find out if she did anything different with him than with me.

Also.....

I didn't want them to share any intimate acts that were private just between the two of them. I needed to know precisely what and how they did EVERYTHING. I needed to know what was still "mine" or "ours" (and there really wasn't much left they DIDN'T do that was still sacred to me and WH)

I am still gathering info from him. I have most of it like positions,what else they did etc. Just trying to fill in the missing pieces of the sexual jigsaw.

....And....

It's hard for me to imagine them having some super sexual experience when I know that her gut made her so self-conscious she would rarely let him see her naked or that her incredibly large behind was so shapeless and saggy that he didn't like looking at it unless she had jeans on to support it. Those kind of facts were beneficial to me, especially in the beginning. Now,I know he enjoyed having sex with her. It was sex. But knowing the details reminds me that there are men who have sex with goats and enjoy it,too.

This? Really wasn't so different, except I would have felt sorry for the goat.

Could be TMI)

I have to agree with the above statement.

My H told me her ass was very spotty, and she had "an odd smell",you know where. Her boobs were not as big as she made out,due to a mega padded bra,she had a pierced nipple (which I know he does'nt like)

There were just some things about her he did'nt really like that much. Hearing this info was indeed beneficial.

[This message edited by Devastated2010 at 10:20 AM, February 10th (Thursday)]

I would agree that there should be no secrets left between WS and AP - how would a BS not always wonder if their WS was not having those fond memories of their secret lives together with the AP. They most likely do it anyway but isn't that still robbing the BS of time with their WS - in a sense, isn't it still a continuation of the affair?

I asked my WW for details and 2 years out she has never been able to provide them. I know that they were in bed together for 3 hours before I was able to get to there sex haven and actually walk in on them. The witnesses that watched them through the window said the OM was on top of her while they were both nude. WW says that yes they did get naked and that all they did was engage in was deep kissing and heavy petting - yeah right for three hours? Many months later, she finally admitted that he performed oral sex on her but she did not reciprocate. We went to MC and the MC told her to tell the truth and she says she has already answered every question and there was nothing else to tell. Long story short, we are trying to R and our sex life has been as good as it ever has been but I also know that WW has yet to tell the truth and it is not so much the details of positions or anything like that but why not go ahead and admit to engaging in mutual oral sex and intercourse. Why do WS say they want to reconcile and then fight tooth and nail to run away from any questions or provide details if asked. Sure, shame and embarrassment are easy to understand but the imagined acts are much worse.