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Well, she needs to know,unquestionably,IMO. So , you have to tell her you have beenhaving sex with her H. Be honest with her.

You have already done everything helpful that you can. Hopefully her H tells her, and if not, perhaps your H will. As much as I believe she needs to know, she needs to find out not from you. The only real restitution you can make is allowing her and her H time and space to heal on their own by maintaining NC.

Per aesir, a BS. NC is NC.

The walls I so carefully constructed around myself are starting to come down. H and I had an interesting conversation yesterday after I replaced a broken headlight in my car. It's probably safe to say that this is a H job in most households. I didn't know what I was doing, but I popped the hood, grabbed some tools, and figured it out. I never even thought to ask him for help. He laughed and commented that he takes pride in telling others that I do not "need" him for anything. I think he was trying to compliment my independence. Someone here asked if I was afraid to be alone. The answer is NO, I am not at all afraid to be alone. Anyway, I told H that there were things I needed from him, but they were not the things he thinks they are. We spent a little time talking about emotional needs how we need to get on the same page here if our marriage is to have any chance. We agreed to take some time to really focus on what we want and need from each other, and to continue the discussion in a few days.

I feel good that I took the opening to begin the dialogue that is way overdue. I have a session planned with an IC next week. It was the thoughtful and probing responses here that convinced me IC would be helpful. Maybe someday I will be able to pay it forward.

These are small steps, but they are steps forward and hopefully in the right direction.

Music is a powerful force in my life, so I often have a song or lyric of the day that speaks to my feelings at any give time. Today's lyric: Freedom's just another word for nothin left to lose.

Sending many hugs and heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you!

Good luck WWnomore....I think you are genuine in your attempts to do the right thing and I sincerely hope you can decide what to do. You mentioned being true to yourself. I am a firm believer that if you do not do that you will never be happy regardless. I understand going through the motions and I have been where you are (sorta). My prayers go out to you and you try to negotiate this path. I think you are brave to be so forthcoming with your posts here... RH

I've been open with several BS in PM in an effort to help them heal from their pain...it's ugly sometimes, but it seems to help them move on. Most say they wish they never found out.

Slight t/j here...

That's actually in direct opposition to what most BS's are told when it comes to the OP's BS. I don't know of many here that wish they had not found out or that have openly expressed that sentiment.

It certainly wasn't a joyous occasion for me, but it was important to know the truth about my M. Things were going very wrong, and I blamed myself. When the A came out, I understood what was actually happening.

The general advice is that the BS has a right to know so that he or she can make a decision about the M based on facts and not lies.

Hi wwnomore,

XOW here, (He lied and said he was separated) Anyway... I've been reading your thread and I identify with you on some aspects. Here are my thoughts on your situation. If you decide to work on your marriage I think you need to come clean. If you decide to divorce, I'm not so sure you have to tell him about the affair. If you do decide to divorce, You know your husband better than anyone here and if you can detach and look at it from the angle of would telling him do more harm to him than not telling him, I think that would be helpful.

Whatever you do, I wish you peace.

As for AP's BS, AP has honored the NC and so have I, for over 4 months now. Zero contact since then. I see no reason for ME to contact her now. I understand blowing the cover of an A to end it, but it is already ended. Sure she has a right to know. I have not discounted having my H or someone else tell her. It won't be me.

I have openly shared my experience with BS who have approached me here with questions or comments. I'm sure that "wish they never found out" has varying contexts. Wish he left rather than had an A, wish he never had the A (obviously), wish he had not flaunted it all over town and left evidence in her face while he lied about it...all of that and more. I don't know if that is new pain talking, or a few steps farther into the healing process. One thing is constant - this outright sucks for everyone involved. I will continue to open up to them if it helps them in any way.

As for my H. I'm sure the A will come out should we decide to pursue repairing our M. I don't see that happening but I am no longer afraid of the outcome. R and D are "on the table" as somone else said. Resolving his A will have to include knowledge of mine without a doubt. I will cross that bridge when the time comes.

When I came here, all of this was like a jigsaw puzzle fresh out of the box only there was no picture to refer to in identifying pieces to know how they fit. The picture is coming into focus and I have identified not only the edge pieces, but some of the internal ones too. It is coming together. I hope you guys will stay with me as I progress. I intend to stay and to share as well.

edited - I can't type today

[This message edited by wwnomore at 8:27 AM, April 4th (Monday)]