SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

horize .. she has no heart..and what she thinks is a heart is broken because she chose to hurt her h who married her..and whom she made vows with that she broke..see no heart

You can't fix stupid...but you sure can take advantage of it"-SerJr.

thanks, toby...

written by the "bard of SI"...SerJR.....read everything he has written....everything!! Then do it!!

Horizon.....your marriage (as you knew it) is over, man. Im sorry....

As SerJr told me (3 years ago - and he was right!!)......"take that knife she stuck in your back and sever the fuel line to the bus she threw you under".....

My FWW pulled that "ILYBINILWY"....she wanted to "seperate, but not get a divorce".... i didnt take it personal...i KNEW she was full of shit....I KNEW her fog was deep...i just grabbed the hip waders....

Dude....till she gets Mr Kentucky otta her system....get her off your "bitch seat"....you dont want her on your bike if her head (and heart) isnt there....KWIM???

This is kinda cheesey, but it applies (an old hippy ditty - yeah im one of those, too)....

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back to you, its yours; if it doesnt, it never was".

Good luck, man.....you will survive.....with her or without her...you will be OK.....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 7:32 PM, September 24th (Saturday)]

horizen,

I remember well when I was new to this and I was getting similar advice to what you are getting now. I thought it was nuts! Why in hell should I detach and stop fighting?! Wouldn't this drive her to him? Wouldn't that be giving up? They didn't know her or our marriage so how in hell could they tell me to do something like that.

What I have learned is that nearly every affair is the same and there really is nothing special about it. Someone is lying and hurting someone that they are supposed to love and protect. This is not a rational thing and you cannot reason through or convince, or win. Your only choice is to refuse to play the game. It may end the marriage or it may save it. Honestly it doesn't matter which. What does matter is that the tortured existence of being part of a triangle has to end. If she can't do it then do it for her.

Remember, if you goal is to save the marriage, your only hope is to stand firm on some very firm conditions and kick her off the fence. Tell her to go follow her heart and don't come back until she is ready to give it back to you. Hang in there.

INFIDELITY------------------------------------------------->DIVORCE JB - can't tell you how true this is in my case. Just can't get past the pain. Horizen, my heart hurts for you. I tried to "nice" my WH back into the marriage. Unfortunately, it worked! 180 HARD! I really wish I had. Then I wouldn't feel like such a doormat today.

This is not a rational thing and you cannot reason through or convince, or win. Your only choice is to refuse to play the game.

Well said, Busy.

The drama is part of the problem, horizen. It is just one factor in your WW's affair.

As bad as you feel---and not to kick you when you are down---the truth is that your WW has devalued you over time.

She looks at you as weak---and this feeds her irrational thinking. SHE feels that SHE has to sort things out, because SHE isn't sure what is best for HER.

And to top it all off, YOU feel weak(this is how a betrayed person feels in your situation).

And that is okay---as long as you realize that fact---and are going to try to change it.

Overcoming fear and codependency won't happen overnight.

And this is for you too, timetoheal---It took me a year to stop being the biggest doormat to ever join this site. A year of being treated with disrespect; a year of multiple D-days.

And 5 months of not being able to heed the advice that was given here on SI.

But what I am trying to say, is that when you DO realize that you have strength to overcome your fears, then the codependency will disappear. And you will be able to draw your line in the sand...and stick to it.

You will feel like you are taking back control of your life.

Does it feel impossible right now? Probably. But understand that you are wrong. You DO have that strength inside you. It just takes time for it to emerge.

Don't threaten anything that you aren't willing to back up. But if you are able to do so, then send her packing. If she won't leave the house(and you can't legally force her), then it is time to act like she already left.

She has to know that you are NOT her safety net.

You will not be waiting in the wings for her to "find herself". She is either all in to your marriage---or she is all out. There is no in-between.

Keep at it, horizen. You are going to come out of this a very strong person...like it or not.

Wow, thanks for all the great posts. This weekend I took all the kids (3) and went out of town. I felt moments of empowerment; then moments of fear for what my wife was up to. Yet, for the last 1 1/2 years I thought I knew what she was up to...just didn't know the truth. I got home to her wearing her wedding band, a packed lunch for me today, etc. This morning she took off her wedding band(s) and did not wear them to work. I saw it, but did not respond. Technically, as others have pointed out, if her heart is with another man (whom she's having sex with) then there is no "marriage" per se. As many of you know, there are many layers to this type of situation (loss, shock, splitting finances, etc.). I'm trying to work my way through them to the best of my ability. I know I can't change her; yet feel wiser about the situation (because I've watched other friends go through this) and feel man we're all gonna lose so much and truly you are going to gain nothing. This guys 18 years older than you; has moved 3 hours away from you; and dating other people. Yet you are giving up your entire family for this? Crazy to me, but considering how much I'm struggling with all of this...perhaps I'm crazy too :-). Thanks again for all the time everyone took this weekend to reply. Everyone was consistant on what to do.

Each time I take a step towards divorce, I feel like I'm destroying the very thing I worked so hard to honor and protect (our marriage). Yet, I know there is no marriage now that she's cheated and we are in a "Triangle" so to speak. I can't believe I'm here and can't believe this is what's become of "us". What a mess to unravel. As I posted before, we just moved to this town two years ago for a better life for us and our kids, bought a home 12 months ago, kids are in their new school...etc. Many layers need to be pealed away from this. I appreciate all that everyone is writing. I have many friends in our old town, but few where I currently live. Makes it hurt a little worse when you can't go site with a buddy, or something.

Each time I take a step towards divorce, I feel like I'm destroying the very thing I worked so hard to honor and protect (our marriage). Yet, I know there is no marriage now that she's cheated and we are in a "Triangle" so to speak.

The only triangle exists if you allow a third party to be involved. Have you told your wife she needs to make her decision? Shit or get off the Pot! She needs to be all in or pack her shit

I like what bigger said way back on your thread.

But you also make some other things clear to her:

She is totally 100% free to see OM. But not as your wife.

Sure neither option might be what you want or even sound remotely appealing but they sure as h@ll beat the option she is offering: sharing her with another man.

Once she stands in front of you and has NO OTHER reason to be there other than she wants to be there… that’s when the healing can start.

YOU control if YOU are in a triangle. Remove yourself. Make it a line a direct line between the two of them, tell her to pack her shit and head for KY. You will not participate in a marriage of three.

I can't believe I'm here and can't believe this is what's become of "us". What a mess to unravel.

You’re trying to make sense of crazy non-rational thought. That is the thing you can’t make sense of irrational thought, its irrational and fueled by lies and deceit. Deceit of themselves, they lie to themselves it’s not about you or the kids. They are not capable of rationality until they hit rock-bottom. She has her family, her husband, AND HER BOYFRIEND it’s the best of all worlds. If I hate my life I can run to him, When he becomes real she can run back to safety, you and her family. Wow what a utopia.

As I posted before, we just moved to this town two years ago for a better life for us and our kids, bought a home 12 months ago, kids are in their new school...etc.

If it is what is best for your kids stay, kick her ass out and give those kids all they deserve… I understand the support isn’t there but don’t second guess that you did what was best for your kids, if it was what was best then it was a good decision. Don’t second guess it because your WW lost her good sense and decided to take it upon her selfish self to fuck it up for all involved. And certainly don’t let her rob your kids of a good opportunity because of her selfish behavior.

Many layers need to be pealed away from this. I appreciate all that everyone is writing. I have many friends in our old town, but few where I currently live. Makes it hurt a little worse when you can't go site with a buddy, or something.

You have al of us right here to support you until you get the next opportunity to reconnect with your support network. But don’t let your WW who is still full on in a relationship with another negate the life you were building for your kids. I know this, my wife can come or go, to this day I WILL NEVER LET HER DECISIONS to impact my ability to do what is best for my DS….. He will always be protected from her poor decisions, she has shown she is capable of putting what’s best for him at risk and I will forever make sure he is priority one….. Sorry your comment about the kids really struck a chord for me I need a punching bag… My wife jeopardizing all my DS had really just hit me again, man she was a stupid selfish POS. Pisses me off to this day that she was willing to jepordize my DS's world for her fantasy land …

LHAP?

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:39 PM, September 26th (Monday)]

You are strong enough to get through this, Horizen. A lot of us are rooting for you.

Horizen....

Got a few questions for ya bro.....

Do you know who the OM is??

Is he married??

Is your wife still in ANY contact with him.....at all???

Please remember that your wife is NOT a good source of this information....cheaters lie....can you verify this information WITHOUT her knowing.....again, cheaters lie.....they will protect the OM/OW, mine did....and yours will too...

You will survive this crap....one way or another...

Keep us posted....

Bufffalo

Yes, I know who the other man is, as he use to work in the same office as my wife. To the best of my knowledge he's divorced, but took a transfer three hours away in June. Via cell phone records, my wife is still in contact with him. My wife's cell phone also goes off at all hours of the night (which it never did until D day) so I can only assume the nature of those calls (as unlike me my wife's not on call for work).

Objectively, I'd say our marriage is over. I'm just going through the death throws of it all I suppose. If I was emotionally removed from this situation and reading these posts, I would be giving the same advice that all of you are giving.

I'm just in shock. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but we were enjoying ourselves and I really thought honoring each other and protecting the marriage and our kids at all costs.

The feedback I was receiving was that I was a great guy, great father and she was soooo thankful to have me. Then whack, right upside the head. Two years ago we sold my family's home (where we had moved into after my mom's passing) and moved to OH for a better economy so we could raise our kids in a better situation. All for "the family". Now I'm stuck out here on an island (myself and the kids) and my wife's in love with another man...who's 18 years her senior, dating other women, and living three hours away. Down goes our house, down goes my daughter's college account, etc. So this loss, as many of you know, goes well beyond that of the love of your wife.

Sorry, i'm whinning, but as I said...we moved out here and my focus was on my family and enjoying my kids...soooo much. I wasn't even focused on building up the friend network cause I was out enjoying riding bikes with the kids, walking with my wife, just doing family stuff.

Wow. Your W is heading for a great wake up call. Expect some real storms when she finally gets it.

any way to verify that he's divorced???

My situation sounds kinda like yours - except the age difference between OM and my FWW..

Gotta figure some way to get her "outta her fog".....have you consulted an attorney??? My FWW did get that fence post outta her ass until i "laywered up"....until you make you make that affair unattractive, she will continue to keep you one the side as a "back up plan"...

Have you set your limitations?? Have you told your WW that "dating" while married to you is unacceptable?? The 180 process will enable you to detatch.....

You arent gonna "nice guy" her back into your marriage....and as long as she is in ANY contact with the BF....R is impossible....

I know this blows, bro.....your filing for divorce will NOT push them together....they are together NOW!!!!

There needs to be cosdequences to her contact with the OM.....draw a line in the dirt...like Travis at the Alamo...then back it up....

When your wife pulls a horse outta the herd, and you catch her coming out of the barn with a saddle.....DONT HOLD THE GATE OPEN FOR HER.

Her decision to have a OM is not your fault....you have zero blame in this...you do not have to take it...she is disrespecting both you and your marriage.....

Read up on the 180....then "do it"!! You will be a better man, if you do...with her or without her.....

As her H, you canNOT compete with a fairy tail....A's are rainbows and unicorns....its a fantasy...and its all bullshit....your wife needs a dose of reality...you CANNOT compete with a "fantasy"......Attairs are a lie based, ego stroking excape from reality....you will not "nice guy" her back into your life...wont happen.

its a bitch, man.....BTDT.

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 10:03 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)]

The feedback I was receiving was that I was a great guy, great father and she was soooo thankful to have me.

And this is exactly what I was getting, prior to my WW's "awakening"/MLC/search for self/EA/ONS/crisis du jour.

Selfishness, low self-esteem, and a sense of entitlement are a wicked cocktail for people like this.

Hang in there.

I hear what you are saying. Yes I have implemented many of the 180 practices; and she's aware I have hired an attorney. When she became aware of that, in therapy, she broke down said she was confused and asked for some time. It's now been three weeks, during which she has spent more time on the phone with him than me. I have distanced myself whenever possible (we're living in the same home). I noted she took off her wedding band(s) on Monday - to which I have not reacted. I must take this as a sign she's not using this time of confusion to work closer to me. I dunno. Today out of the blue she texted me that she's looking into physical therapy school. I'm thinking how are you going to afford that when four weeks ago you dind't have enough money to get an apartment? I'm having a down day where I do want to run to her, apologize for anything I've ever done wrong...but I'm not doing it. Can't say that the urge isn't there. I guess this is my emotional bargaining to avoid the pain of divorce and living seperate lives.

Your wife will pay a price for her fantasy. The OM is just not available on a long term basis. One day soon this romance will have to end; she has a family and responsibilities and her future does not lie with him.

Then the reckoning; deep depression and heartbreak at the loss of her soulmate. Bleak future, no prospect of happiness for years to come.

Can't say a feel much sympathy for what she will experience, but it does serve her right. Don't spare any pity for her; she isn't showing much to you right now.

Just pull away, build your own social life; friends of both sexes, just stop mooning over her like a lovesick bull.

For your marriage to have a chance of being rebuilt she has to fear losing you, and achieving that objective lies in your hands. No need for you to leave; enjoy your children and employ the 180 with added emphasis. Pull away and one day she will run after you. After all that deserved angst and soul-wrenching suffering she has to go through.