SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think there's something to be said for getting yourself through withdrawal without your BH having to witness it

I agree.

Trying33..your view will likely change after you get over the withdrawal of your AP. Right now you "mourn the loss". As does llama. We have all been where both of you are right now. It may seem pushy, but if we didn't care..we would just let you go down the path you are currently on.

We know where those paths lead

We have all been where both of you are right now. It may seem pushy, but if we didn't care..we would just let you go down the path you are currently on. We know where those paths lead

x2.

I could not have been more wrong. I should have given him much more credit. Once he knew there was a problem of this magnitude, he was all in. I saw a side of my husband I never knew existed. Not because he was never willing to show me, but because I never bothered to look or ask to see it. I had never let on to him what state our M was in. And I certainly never let on to how broken I was inside. So my point is, never underestimate how your BS will handle things.

^^^exactly this was true for me too!

trying33: I knew you got it. I think we are in the same place. I understand that others are trying to help but sometimes you have to meet people where they are.

but sometimes you have to meet people where they are.

Nope..our job is to help you get from where you are. Where you are right now is no good for you..your husband or your marriage.

Trying33 needs the same help as you do. If there were 2 people dying, who can resuscitate who?

Your posts are also very offensive to some BS's who have been put in the situation that you are now in.

To think that you have to "get over" your AP while not letting go of your spouse to begin with to start the affair strikes a nerve.

I am guilty of that myself.

Just remember..you made no pledge to your AP to love, honor, cherish or be faithful to. If you did..it was after you already pledged it to another.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 12:30 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

sometimes you have to meet people where they are.

Ok. So you miss the AP terribly. Let's chat. What do you miss about him? His eyes? His laugh? Maybe the silly jokes he emailed to you? What were his best traits? What did you love most about him? How does he compare to your husband?

How will that kind of questioning help? It won't. Hence the reason the FWS don't ask that crap.

No Contact isn't just physical. It's mental. What is withdrawal? Getting rid of and getting over something that is bad for you right? People deal with withdrawals from sugar, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, shoes, poor spending habits, Beanie Baby obsessions, people, the list goes on.

How do you deal with it? With NC. You can't sit on the couch, and daydream about that crap. You will crack and go back to your vice. So how do you deal with withdrawal with the AP? NC. Physical and mental. Alot of WS are all, "Hey lookie at me! I'm all NC with the AP! See how awesome I am!?" yet they're still mentally in the A. They still think constantly about the AP. That's not NC.

Keep your hands and your mind busy. When your mind drifts to AP, picture a giant stop sign. Wear a rubber band around your wrist. When you think of AP, snap that band. Hard. Do crossword puzzles. Get into IC.

I "get" the withdrawal. Had it myself. But wallowing or excusing it didn't make it go away. NC did. Physical and mental.

To think that you have to "get over" your AP while not letting go of your spouse to begin with to start the affair strikes a nerve.

And extremely selfish.

I can be just as snarky as you guys...

If someone is stuck in the mud, sometimes you need to get off your high horse to help them up.

I don't think anyone said they wanted to talk about what they love about the other person.

Instead of being rude, why not just stick to offering advice and suggestions? It can be done without coming off like an ass.

What about an affair isn't offensive? If a BS is getting offended at what's written in a "Wayward" forum, maybe it's best if s/he refrains from reading the threads.

If someone is stuck in the mud, sometimes you need to get off your high horse to help them up.

The person on the high horse is already out of the mud..it is the person in the mud that needs to accept the help instead of trying to get out of the mud they have no idea how to get free of

LL

If a BS is getting offended at what's written in a "Wayward" forum, maybe it's best if s/he refrains from reading the threads

First off...every reply on this thread has been from a WS, so you're incorrect.

Second off...every person on this thread has been trying to help you so instead of slinging mud at them, you would be best served by showing a little gratitude. Because I can promise you this...they will get tired of your insults and most likely stop helping you.

Be humble

Instead of being rude, why not just stick to offering advice and suggestions?

You've got a 3 page thread full of it. And many of the answers, you don't want to hear or aren't open to. What do you want us to say?

Your thread has a stop sign and after your BS in the WS forum comment, I'm glad it is. You know what a stop sign means? It means that every reply that you have gotten is from a WS. They have been in the exact same boat as you. They know all the excuses before they even come out of your mouth. They have a very good idea where your head is right now cause we have all been there.

The FWS here are throwing you a rope. It's up to you to grab it and pull yourself out of the mud.

I stand by my words. If you prefer I back out of your thread, I will.

advice:

Go no contact ..mental and physical.

Keep busy to keep your mind off the AP

Confess to your BH

Stop Romanticizing the affair and see it for what it was.

Get counseling

Become transparent

Keep Reading the healing library

Stop being defensive..

This is help whether you see it that way or not.

Breaking from an affair is hard work and it going to take a lot of work to fix it.

Keeping it a secret can be damaging.

We are not giving you theories..these posts are all about experience.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Deeply Scared: Perhaps you misunderstood. I was told that I was offending BS's. I wasn't implying that any BS's have posted. If a BS has read this thread and found my comments offensive, I'm sorry. I don't understand what the point of having a wayward forum is if we have to worry about offending a BS because everything about an affair is offensive. That's all I'm saying.

floridaredman: Admittedly, I am not good with words but my choice is try or not say anything. Not saying anything has probably led to where I am now.

My dad recently died from terminal brain cancer. After he was first diagnosed, the doctors prepared him for his treatment. First, he needed radiation, then chemotherapy. Before his custom-fit radiation helmet was ready, he had an abdominal blockage and needed emergency surgery. After his surgery, his helmet was ready but, even though his brain cancer was the most aggressive form, they had to hold off on radiation and chemotherapy because he needed to heal from the abdominal surgery. Two weeks after his surgery, they started radiation...when his body was ready.

I feel like I'm being pushed to the radiation stage when I still need abdominal surgery. My dad died two months after his diagnosis and maybe I will too but this is where I am today.

Aubrie: I've read quite a few threads and I've seen several references to the book, The Five Love Languages. I've read the book and as well as The Five Love Languages of Children. If your love language is Acts of Service and I keep buying you gifts, you may not feel loved. Perhaps there are different helping languages too.

I appreciate the efforts. I've tried to point out what is helpful to me (personal stories), but it just isn't resonating.

I received a PM from someone who said she wasn't brave enough to comment and I replied and said that I'm only brave enough because the internet is anonymous; none of you know me. I'm actually shy and introverted. I've told no one about my situation and was pretty happy to find a safe place to talk. I'm not sure it's for me though.

advice:

Go no contact ..mental and physical.

Keep busy to keep your mind off the AP

Confess to your BH

Stop Romanticizing the affair and see it for what it was.

Get counseling

Become transparent

Keep Reading the healing library

Stop being defensive..

This is help whether you see it that way or not.

Breaking from an affair is hard work and it going to take a lot of work to fix it.

Keeping it a secret can be damaging.

We are not giving you theories..these posts are all about experience.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

This is golden, and combined with personal stories, would have been my preference all along.

Sorry about your Dad.

This place is safe..trust us..we are trying to help you.

We cannot push you no farther than you want to go..

Personal stories are good...but they are someone else's story. We are trying to help you fix yours.

This is still at your pace..we cannot make you do anything, but what we can do is tell you the ramifications that may come by what you do or don't do.

Stay for awhile and you will see.

I don't know if I agree that it's a safe place. I suppose I haven't been here long enough to say but, if I'm going to be honest, I feel like there is a little internet bullying. Maybe some people respond to that but I don't...well, I don't respond appropriately to it. Of those who don't respond well, some will shy away and not comment and some will get obnoxious (me).

I've been to other sites and trust me, you being a WS would get slaughtered. The BS's have free reign and will chop you up worse than we are here. It would be favorable if you can discern tough love from bullying.

IMO..you think things ought to go the way you prefer..that simply cannot always happen. Especially in this case.

You have no idea how to bounce back and save your marriage from an affair..I do as well as the others here.

Cool. Good luck in your healing.

luckyllama,

I have never felt bullied here. People will speak their minds. We can all agree or disagree as we see fit. It always feels like helpfullness and support to me. I backed out because I was convicted by my own conscience and I felt I was not helpful.

IMO..you think things ought to go the way you prefer..

No, I don't think that's it. Probably more like I want to go the way I think is right and if your way is different than mine, I need you to show me why your way is better. I know it can piss people off but I am one of those who need to know the why's behind everything.

(As I wrote that, it reminded me of my son who is the same way and it drives me crazy when he does it to me!)