SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have never felt bullied here. People will speak their minds. We can all agree or disagree as we see fit. It always feels like helpfullness and support to me. I backed out because I was convicted by my own conscience and I felt I was not helpful.

I'm glad you haven't. I've read other threads and I've thought people were genuinely helpful. I tried to thank the people I thought were helpful and I thought I thanked you as well. Sorry if I didn't.

[This message edited by luckyllama at 3:09 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Sorry ll, that's not what I meant...

I meant I felt I was being harmful to you, even if you didn't.

I don't need to be thanked.

I felt what I offered was the wrong thing. It happens. My feelings weren't hurt. I just didn't want to make things worse.

Probably more like I want to go the way I think is right and if your way is different than mine

How do you know what is right when it comes to recovering a marriage plagued by infidelity?

Have you done this before?

No, I haven't done this before and I don't know what's right, that's why I said what I think is right. I'm open to other possibilities.

Some of my best "therapy" is when I'm out outside running and alone with my thoughts. I just got back from an hour of therapy and I realized that I am expecting responses and support to be in the style and manner I prefer and not recognizing that you are all different too. I apologize for my snarky comments.

I don't usually open up about anything so I'm not used to getting advice. Initially, I think I just wanted to vent.

If you took the time to respond, thank you.

Llama, in your first couple of posts, you said that you stopped the A because you knew it wasn't right. Can you talk about that more? What did you know wasn't right?

Cheating on my husband wasn't right. Lying about where I was going wasn't right. Spending time with the other person when I should have been spending time with my family wasn't right. I'm sure I can come up with more but just one of those "not rights" is bad enough.

I need you to show me why your way is better.

Since you are a mother, let me give you am example that may resonate with you. Everyday we make decisions for our children. We tell them what to wear, how to behave, where they can go. We make those decisions because at the stage they are in their life they do not have the wear with all to make sound decisions on their own. They don't have the experiences we have. They don't have the knowledge. They are innocent children and we try desperately as parents to protect them. So we make decisions for them.

But as adults, when decisions are made for us it is no longer to protect. Because as adults we have experiences and we have knowledge. When others try to make decisions for us as adults it's condescending. When people think they know what is best for us without having all if the information it's maddening and degrading.

Look at your reaction when perfect strangers here on this board have attempted to tell you what to do. You have gotten angry and lashed out a bit. Why? Because you don't like being told what to do. You feel you know what's best for you but others keep on insisting that they know better and now you are feeling a bit beat up by it.

So take every feeling that you have about us here trying to tell you what to do, trying to make a decision for you that you are not ready to make. Take those feelings and try very hard to step in your husband's shoes. From the moment you decided to step out if your marriage and not disclose that information to him, you began to make decisions about your husband's life. You began to treat him like one of the children, deciding for him what he should and should not know. Deciding for him when he can be privy to the most important piece of information regarding his M. And that is condescending to him. It's insulting to him to make the decision that he is not able to handle this information. And the worst part about it is he has no idea.

Even my kids can appreciate when I include them in decisions. Would you move without consulting your husband? Would you change jobs? I doubt it because these are big life changing decisions and you are married. So I ask why would you make the life changing decision to sleep with another man and keep that from him?

It's not marriage. It's management. And it's not fair to him.

I understand the fear. But imagine not knowing something so personal and pertinent going on in your life. Imagine being so clueless that thousands of complete strangers on the Internet know more about what is happening in your life than you do. How would that make you feel?

Please consider staying here. The people here are attempting to help because they have gone through it. They speak from experience.

Thanks, WalkinOnEggshelz. Your reply is one I'll read over again. It brought tears to my eyes.

One thing you said that really hit me is, "It's not marriage. It's management." I've been managing his life for over 20 years. He's the first one to say he'd still be living with his mom if it weren't for me.

^^^ Fantastic explanation, WalkinOnEggShellz.

Hi Llama. I know I'm coming late to this thread, and you've gotten great advice from far wiser folks than I. I just wanted to say that I am a WS who was caught, and I don't think I would have had the courage to ever confess on my own, even had I stopped the A before my XH found out. That being said, I regret to this day that my XH found out on his own rather than hearing it from me. The fact that he had to uncover my behavior rather than me confessing adds another layer of shamefulness to my already deplorable behavior during the A.

I too had a "quiet and uncommunicative" spouse. When he discovered my affair, he didn't rage or scream much. What he did do was divorce me immediately. And he cited the fact that I hadn't confessed, and that I lied/trickle-truthed on the day of his discovery, as two of the reasons (out of many) that he wanted the divorce.

Telling your H is the right thing to do...simply because it's right. Ending your affair is a good first step in the direction toward living an honest, authentic life with integrity. But you can't get all the way there, within your marriage, while there is still the barrier of such a huge secret between you.

So your "not right" reasons are pretty normal, something that a WS can understand. Can you take it a step further and realize that things (infidelity-wise) became not right when you started talking to the OM on-line? At what point did you finally realize it wasn't right and why did you not have that realization before the communication with the OM started?

I need you to show me why your way is better. I know it can piss people off but I am one of those who need to know the why's behind everything.

***As a member*** (which in itself can anger people)***

LL...

I really don't post much anymore, mostly because after 13 years, I'm pretty much talked out. I cheated and hurt my husband beyond anything I'd ever like to remember. But there it is...with me everyday.

You have a major attitude and I understand that. I understand that you're so far in denial and so far in this defense mode that most of what is being shared with you will fall on deaf ears./

Whether you confess to your H is your business but please understand if you don't...I swear to God you will wait for that one day that it comes to a head. And that will not be a day I'd want to be in your shoes because everything leading up to that will be a lie in your H's mind. Nothing you say or do will convince him otherwise.

Get defensive, be flippant, shove your middle finger at all of us on here trying to help you...but in the end, you'll be alone because you weren't honest.

Just remember that...

you'll be alone because *you* weren't honest.

Can you take it a step further and realize that things (infidelity-wise) became not right when you started talking to the OM on-line?

No, I don't think it was "not right" when we first started talking online because it was on a forum. I don't see anything wrong with replying to each other on a public forum. It went from the forum to Facebook...which is essentially public. I think it became "not right" when messaging became daily and lasted for hours. It wasn't sexual in nature just not appropriate because of the amount of time.

At what point did you finally realize it wasn't right

At the time, I probably would have rationalized what I was doing, but when I started hiding the communications from my husband is probably when I realized it wasn't right. Previously, I had been completely transparent with all my online interactions.

why did you not have that realization before the communication with the OM started?

I'm not sure how to answer this one. Was it wrong from the beginning? I don't think so. It was a platonic internet friendship that my husband knew about and was okay with. Once it became wrong (when I stopped being transparent), I was too weak to end the friendship and I allowed it to go further.

I came on here defensive too. You want personal stories? I lied to my BH for years. I tried to "heal myself" but all I did was compartmentalize.

We see people come in and out of here every day. A few stay. Many leave.

It is fucking hard to face the truth. So many can't hack it.

I get it. I am stubborn and a bit (ok, a lot) self-righteous. I thought I could do it alone.

But when I realized the man I loved was slipping away, I looked here for help.

You know what helped me the most? The people that pissed me off. Challenged me. There was truth in their words. I didn't want to hear it. It is amazing that I stuck around. I would sweat and shake when I read responses that hurt me or judged me.

They told me to pull up my big girl pants. That I wasn't special or unique in my luuurve for the OM.

They were right.

My BH reacted differently than I imagined he would. He was so disengaged from me, I figured he didn't care. He raged, he cried, and he fucking fought for me.

And I for him.

So please, the reason we are harsh on you is we see it here. All the time. We want you to succeed, not fall back in the mire.

So put on the big girl pants and buck up. You don't have to follow a timeline. But just stick around and learn.

Hi LL,

I've still been watching and reading through all the posts. There are elements that remind me of my situation back last spring/summer. I originally joined another site after the first time I cheated but it was awful. I would compare it to a pack of BSs trying to make a skin coat out of me. I ran away from that site after a few days and then continued to be a wayward. Then I got to a point that was close to a rock bottom. I didn't know it yet but SI helped create the rock bottom for me just like an intervention.

Just like this thread I had many wise folks post on my threads. Some were harsh but I needed that too. I didn't want to hear some of it but it was needed. I think you need to hear and listen to what is being posted to you. Think of this as an intervention. You think you can handle this problem on your own. Stop the affair addiction because you want to as you know it's not right. Sure you went NC for now. But what about the future. Start thinking as this is the first day of the rest of your life. Seriously. This could really be a new start to the rest of your life. Surrender yourself to the process and trust that its going to be the right thing to do. Your situation is not unique, sure there are things to your story that are yours truly but everyone here has walked in your shoes in some way shape or form.

Now what about the fallout? Start giving your BH more credit. I didn't at first. I thought I would be thrown out on my ass when I confessed. I was ready. But I knew that I couldn't control the outcome of my confession. It was freeing. I knew if I laid it all on the table and left the decision up to my BH that's all I could do. He processed the information in a way I didn't expect. He knew he wanted to save the marriage and keep me. We went to MC and have worked hard at improving our relationship. It has not been easy bit I feel like confessing to him has saved my life with him. I can live honestly and know that he's here with me because he still chooses me and I choose him. It's wonderful.

If you don't confess, you will have a piece of you always nagging. Wondering that if your husband knew the truth, what would he do? Is our life real? Would he leave or love me still? Your husband deserves to know what has been going on in his life.

I do hope you stick around. No one here is saying to confess today or tomorrow or even next week. I know that you need time to go through some emotions and thoughts. Plan your confession. Do some more reading, posting, counselling. All is helpful.

Deeply scared: I already apologized for being snarky and acknowledged that others are trying to help.

I'm not sure why you feel that I'm in denial but thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.

Just the fact that you have to point me out confirms my thoughts that you're really snarky.

Good luck...I'm out.

Huh?! I was being sincere! If you look through my replies, I typically address the person to whom I'm speaking. You are an administrator so I thought there was a good possibility that you did not read all the replies. How could you possibly keep up on everything? I understand that and that's why I wanted you to know that I did apologize a few hours ago.

It's difficult to communicate over the internet.

LL...

You are an administrator so I thought there was a good possibility that you did not read all

the replies.

Never assume anything...I hope you can continue to find support here.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 9:23 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

I don't think this is the right place for me. I'll likely continue to read threads but that's it.