SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There have been several male members who have admitted to hitting their wives here in the 2.5 years I have been a member. I've seen two cases that I can recall. I wouldn't just say that to back my case, but I'm not going to drag names into this. As staff or a member. I don't think it's fair or helpful to say that there have been zero incidences.

I agree that the fact that women are more open about disclosing their assault definitely lends itself to the line of thinking that many may assume that the consequences should be lighter because of their gender - which is a shame.

I'm not disagreeing about the disparity of consequence or the fact that people are aware of it, I'm saying that some of the general statements as to WHY women do it seem to be assuming that we sit around thinking about assaulting people and leveraging the consequences.

I was taught never to hit people or animals (spiders were horribly misrepresented in our house, looking back...) I teach my daughter to never lay a hand on anyone or anything, or herself. I hope that the message of the general inappropriateness of hurting others sinks in to her, and that she understands that right and wrong should be blind to gender, race, religion, or disability. I hope that we can all help steer each other towards this mentality.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:52 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

I feel that some women hit men because they believe they can get away with it. I also feel that some men hit women because they believe they can get away with it.

T/J ArkLaMis ~ I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your father.

Taurus517 and fdup ~ YOU DON'T DESERVE ANY PHYSICAL ABUSE!!!!!!! Your BW's need help with their anger, you both need to get away from them until they are getting help for their violent outbursts. You both need to get into counseling immediately to get help to realize that you don't deserve the abuse, no matter what you did. fdup, you broke my heart a little when I pictured you laying on the floor bleeding. Dude, you don't deserve this shit!!!!!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:05 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

I have read posts off and on from this site since 2006. I have seen a few men admit violence but very rare and never ever did I see one say he didn't regret it or somehow admit to having enjoyed it and "she's lucky she didn't get more". I have seen that from a woman pretty much every time the thread is started. Hell, on a recent thread one woman said she would have killed him if he called the police. What all that means I'm not sure but there you have it and it's sad, really sad.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 11:21 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Thanks, Jrazz. You said it exactly as I was trying to and not seeming to communicate based on the replies.

It's never okay to be violent. It doesn't matter the gender of either party. What matters is a choice being made that's WRONG. I would rather focus on that choice than on the tangential variables that vary for each situation. Every situation is different except for that choice.

Cultural norms and expectations evolve (or de-evolve) continuously. To make real long lasting positive chance, people have to be treated the same, rather than different rules for perceived categories.

Men shouldn't accept violence perpetrated against them because of cultural expectations. Women shouldn't accept violence perpetrated against them because of cultural expectations. There's no excuse either way.

[This message edited by Reality at 11:27 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Stupid picture Friday

Any questions?

UO thought the same thing when I saw it. It does bring home the gender inequality (generalization) about strength though.

Do not advocate violence at all. Have seen a few guys admit to it here and have read and responded that he could be jailed. Same response I give to women.

There is often a difference as Aesir pointed out in size and strength (and i would add skill/fighting style)that is why laws/society whatever do not enforce equally. A slap for a 110 pound person is going to inflict less damage than a fist from a 250 lb person. It just is. No matter the gender. And I think that is part of the reason you see an imbalance in arrests as well. A slightly red cheek 30 minutes later when a cop shows up is not going to illicit the same level of horror/sympathy that a black eye or swollen lip will. All of that has nothing to do with gender (in my opinion).

I have protected myself in situations that required it. I too felt that rage after dday. I did not succumb to violence then for a myriad of reasons. However, I can understand, not condone, how it can happen. For either gender that delivers a slap dday, I would caution them to get a grip, find other ways to handle themselves, etc. Gender having no impact on my advice. I also do not judge them for that initial reaction. I can see how all reason can fly out the window. I do not think it makes it ok and I think they should not be surprised if there are consequences, but I understand it. I hope I never get on a jury over it because I would have a difficult time if it was a one time response to a horrible situation that inflicted no permanent damage. Again, not based on the gender of either party.

UO - could you imagine the outrage if that pic was displayed with the roles reversed? Yet, as is, it's considered funny. SMH. These double standards piss me off.

inflicted no permanent damage

No offense, Pentup, but who are you to determine that? Think being hit doesn't last long after any physical evidence has faded?

I'm not judging. I'm simply stating it's skewed so offered support and encouragement to get safe.

Oh, your slap and punch example is very biased. Who says the 110 pnd (female I'm guessing) is gonna slap but the 250 pnd (male also guessing) is gonna punch?

By the way...a punch to the throat can easily be lethal regardless of the weight and size of who delivers it.

ETA: I know MJ.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 12:06 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Exactly my point for not using gender when defining the method and physical description. It does not matter. I would add that is why when a 10 year old child punches an adult, we do not typically call the cops. It is a size differential issue.

I should have stated permanent physical damage.

Emotionally... I am not going there.

Again, I have been on the receiving end. I know that side better than I ever imagined I would. I have protected myself in that situation at times and other times took it because when someone is bigger and more angry sometimes not defending yourself is a smarter short term decision. I am not condoning violence. And I guess lots of people we this as a very clear defined issue. I, personally, do not. Maybe my cave woman is showing, but I think there are times when it is ok to hit. If I ever saw someone abuse my dog, I would knock the hell out of them (male or female) Would I go to jail? Maybe. If I did, I would understand the consequence, but I would still feel justified.

I am gender neutral on the topic. I do think there is a bias out there. I do not want to see any person live in fear.

What really bothers me about all this is the use in posts of..."there is no excuse for this" followed by a "however or a but, or a it's understandable"

Is there really a... however or a but or an understandable for trying to physically hurt someone other than self defense? I guess in some people's world it is, I'm just glad it wasn't in mine.

I used to work in a rehab hospital, I don't think people realize how easy it can be to permanently injure someone. Unfortunately, I see it way too often on the road, in a store at a ballgame...it's not just over an A, and it just seems like people feel entitled, and these are the adults that our kids see everyday. Think about that next time you lose your shit.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 12:28 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]

Men hit women more than women hit men. Men kill women more than women kill men. Men rape women more than women rape men.

Since time began.

Men hit women more than women hit men. Men kill women more than women kill men. Men rape women more than women rape men.

Since time began.

well let's assume that is true...what relevance does that have to this discussion.

Here what I do not understand. Why is there a debate about if it's gender specific? You can see this playing out right now on this site. Big as life and twice as ugly. It's right in front of you.

I'm not stating that I don't understand. I've posted here myself of how often I got into fights when I was younger...with boys and girls. Most of the time I was defending someone but I was clear that wasn't my sole motive. I did it because if felt good. Released huge amounts of rage on all sorts of proxy targets. It is not about moral superiority at all as I sure as shit don't possess that in any way. If "you" are ok with "your" response or have recognized it as something "you" never want to do again that's all that matters. Don't care. Your deal.

This was to encourage people that are very under represented on here to not accept abuse from their spouse. Women from both sides of the alphabet get more than enough of that. Men don't. This thread is actually a perfect example of just that. Two of our members have posted of ongoing situations in their lives right now that, one quite terrifying. Maybe a few posters have posted support for them. Some others are far more concerned with how it's gender targeted and don't even acknowledge it at all.

I am quite aware that women don't think at that moment, "I'm going to get away with it". They don't have to. It's innate in the culture, media, attitudes. Don't see men posting the, "what do you tell the woman with two black eyes" joke.

What really bothers me about all this is the use in posts of..."there is no excuse for this" followed by a "however or a but, or a it's understandable"

that irks the fuck out of me too. Doesn't but negate everything said before the word "but"??? Isn't that what's touted on this site ALL THE TIME????? Jeezus.

My WH has been physically violent with me one time and I have been 2 times since DDay. Both I consider domestic violence. Both are wrong. Neither of us in our 17 years together had ever done such a *violent* act towards the other. I am very ashamed to have lost that kind of self-control. I am in IC working on myself. I haven't raged or touched my WH since that day and neither has he. Have to stop the violence! It doesn't do anything but hurt both parties.

Thanks for this thread UO.

Growing up my older sister was bigger than me and used that to her advantage. Let's just say I don't have a fondness for long fingernails. My parents never stopped it, just sort of warned her I would soon be bigger than her. Except once I grew some more and was bigger I wasn't allowed to "take advantage" of that.

I didn't suffer any broken bones. I wasn't put in the hospital or disabled. It wasn't a daily or even weekly occurrence. Yet I remember it very clearly even though it happened 30 years ago. Being on the opposite end of that rage and feeling very helpless. Not simply helpless to stop it but helpless to stop it from happening again. It did have other, far-reaching effects on me, but I prefer not to get into that at the moment.

When I do talk about it, which is rare, I joke about it because in my experience there is little sympathy or understanding. No one questions why my parents didn't really do anything to stop it. No one talks about how wrong she was to do that to her younger brother. I usually get comments about how I didn't stand up for myself and how they would have handled it differently.

I don't think people realize how easy it can be to permanently injure someone.

So so true. Several of the incidents I've read about here give me chills at how very bad it could have been had that object or hit been landed inches differently.

Oh, and kicking men in the balls is a very serious thing that can have long term consequences even after they recover, like testicular cancer. That's above the instant mind blowing pain. My ex nailed himself moving a stool. Vomited immediately and almost passed out. Couldn't move off the floor or form words for quite a while. Awful.

I agree with you, Sadwife. I do think men physically abuse woman more than the reverse. Doesn't make it ok when the reverse happens though (not that you said that).

I hit my husband more than once. And one time was BEFORE D-Day. And the last time it happened, it went way beyond a slap. I should have been charged with assault. Period.

I'm feeling a lot of shame right now reading this post. I guess I can understand how a WS feels about that saying "once a cheater . . ." The fact that I exhibited this behavior in the past - am I always tainted by it now? I hope not, because that is NOT who I want to be.

I just want to throw this out there - the only circumstance (other than my IC) that anyone said WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG (without a "but") attached was here on SI.

The replies I got IRL when I confessed what I'd done, to friends and family:

*snort* "Sorry, but that's kind of funny."

"Oh girl, I hit [boyfriend] when we were drinking and got in a fight. Don't you just feel so trashy afterward?" *giggle*

"I'm afraid he's going to hold this over your head forever when he's done so much worse."

"Yes, but what did he do first? He was trying to get you to leave the room? So he touched you FIRST, right?" (the answer was no)

"Well, you shouldn't have hit him, but you were pushed to it." (that was from his OWN SISTER)

"You should have done more than that." (a slap)

You'll get zero argument from me that female-on-male violence is perceived differently.

I'm really ashamed of what I did. I got to IC as soon as I could after the last incident (which was last August) because I knew I was completely out of control. It wasn't a little slap. it wasn't a light punch. I wanted to HURT him. I had allowed myself to become a monster. All of you who remember my posts from last year know that things were bad, but NONE of that justifies what I did. I'm so glad my IC didn't give me a pass or tell me that my behavior was justified.

What really bothers me about all this is the use in posts of..."there is no excuse for this" followed by a "however or a but, or a it's understandable"

that irks the fuck out of me too. Doesn't but negate everything said before the word "but"??? Isn't that what's touted on this site ALL THE TIME?????

Bingo.

There is not a BUT acceptable enough for cheating.

There is not a BUT acceptable enough for substance abuse.

There is not a BUT acceptable enough to abuse women, children, and animals.

When a woman abuses a man? Buckets of BUTS come out.

"But he pissed me off."

"But he shouldn't have..."

"But he's twice my size."

"But he broke my heart."

"But, but, but."

Cannot stand seeing women fess up to violence and then give the disclaimer of, "Not proud of it, but it happened. Shouldn't have done it, but he made me so mad."

And then the "You go Girl" and fancy umbrella drinks get passed around.

Sad. So sad.

When I do talk about it, which is rare, I joke about it because in my experience there is little sympathy or understanding

I'm so sorry, Brandon. Childhood doesn't just end with childhood. That's so sad.