SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Jana - I remember that and I am very proud of you for getting the help you need.

(((jana))) That can't be easy to admit. Good for you that you are owning that shit. Yeah, last summer was bad, jana.

Men hit women more than women hit men. Men kill women more than women kill men. Men rape women more than women rape men.

Since time began.

Forgot to mention that men cheat more than women.

From http://www.domesticviolenceresearch.org/pages/12_page_findings.htm

Perpetration

Overall, 25.3% of individuals have perpetrated IPV

Rates of female-perpetrated violence higher than male-perpetrated (28.3% vs. 21.6%)

Wide range in perpetration rates: 1.0% to 61.6% for males; 2.4% to 68.9% for women,

Range of findings due to variety of samples and operational definitions of PV

Claims that it is different, because women are weaker sound a lot like minimization. Not much different from men saying "well I didn't really hit her that hard." Now how much force does it take to cause permanent damage? You can cripple a person with less than ten pounds, there are multiple ways to kill a person with less than 20. There are experts with the training to do this reliably. If an expert can be taught how to do it on purpose every time, then a moron can manage it by accident.

Violence exists in our personal toolbox for a reason, because it can be used to solve an immediate problem. If you are bigger and stronger, it is just a larger tool. Using that tool carries consequences, and most men are innately aware of those consequences, because we learn most of them during childhood. We don't need to be thinking about the consequences, because that knowledge is just part of who we are. That's a big part of why more people don't get punched in the throat. I believe that when men beat women, it is a choice they make because they believe they can get away with it. For women, I am not as sure, far more likely that they are just not as intimately familiar with the consequences. I got punched in the nose once while dating (buckled the cartilage, actually needed surgery to correct some issues that resulted), and the horrified reaction to the look on my eyes told me that she had never even considered the natural consequences of going there. By the way, the #1 consequence of resorting to violence is that you are now involved in a violent situation, and those are unpredictable, even if you win it is very likely going to hurt a lot.

Jana, don't feel shame over that. It is not productive, and that is not who you are now. You have examined your actions, adjusted your thinking, you have grown and are different. I say this the same way I would say that a FWS should not feel shame. Quite a different thing from remorse. Add me to the list of people that are proud of you for doing the work.

The fact that I exhibited this behavior in the past - am I always tainted by it now?

Not at all, Jana. You didn't like it and you did something about it.

I wonder if some have difficulty with the fact those "reasons" sound oh so familiar and knowing how dismissed they are when used, rightfully so by the "waywards". It's not a comfortable thought that there is even the hint of sharing those thought processes with the monster that blew up your life.

It's not about tainting or labels. It's about recognizing, fixing, going forward. That's what surviving is. Not wasting time embroidering labels to confine something that no longer is that at all.

Butterflies don't crawl on the ground, right? They transformed for a reason.

It's about recognizing, fixing, going forward.

Amen sister.

Thank you guys for picking me up just now.

I've said it before but I had so much wayward thinking running through me. I just didn't have an affair. My husband's infidelity made it wonderfully easy for me to justify reacting in unhealthy ways, and everyone around me (IRL) was more than willing to excuse my trainwreck behavior.

I've said it before but I had so much wayward thinking running through me. I just didn't have an affair. My husband's infidelity made it wonderfully easy for me to justify reacting in unhealthy ways, and everyone around me (IRL) was more than willing to excuse my trainwreck behavior.

jana, the fact that you can even own this speaks volumes. Not many people have the courage to speak this truth.

I've said it before but I had so much wayward thinking running through me. I just didn't have an affair. My husband's infidelity made it wonderfully easy for me to justify reacting in unhealthy ways, and everyone around me (IRL) was more than willing to excuse my trainwreck behavior.

Good stuff JanaGreen. We have similar thoughts.

It is interesting, too, our responses to someone who has been physically violent but has addressed the issue (Jana). If a man came on here and said, "yea, I punched my wife. More than once. Pre-D-day even. But I got help." - would the community be as supportive of the transformation? I don't think so. A man who hits on more than one occasion is more likely to be labeled a monster. Someone not to be trusted. Someone who will likely repeat offend, abuse again. There would be a lot of fear for his wife. The responses to Jana (in my opinion, rightly so) have been supportive. I think that's because it is a woman who is reformed. I'm just not sure a man who beat his wife on multiple occasions would be compared to a butterfly who has transformed. Should he be? That's for everyone to decide for themselves, I guess.

I'm just agreeing with the original post - there is a double standard that extends even into recovery/reform from being a physical abuser.

It is interesting, too, our responses to someone who has been physically violent but has addressed the issue (Jana). If a man came on here and said, "yea, I punched my wife. More than once. Pre-D-day even. But I got help." - would the community be as supportive of the transformation?

Depends. My dad started out with a physically abusive father who quit laying his hands on him at age 10. No reason. Just stopped. He loved his father till the day he died but always felt the tiniest hint of suspicion well into his 50's and never fully forgave him.

Things were quiet for a bit but the stepmother who came into his life was a monster who hit him until he left at age 18 to get out on his own. He never trusted her to be alone with his own children or wife. Even when she decided to quit hitting.

My dad never taught us to hit. Spanking if you tried to run into a busy street was one thing. Slapping, pushing, punching any part of the body because you were just having a hissy fit was unacceptable. Our mom enforced this too. If you feel you're unable to control yourself WALK AWAY. Rage is to be expected but physical violence is degrading for all parties involved.

OMG, you guys. I just read through all of these posts and felt like a ton of bricks fell on my chest.

Right after DDay, I hit my WH. His cheating brought out a lot of past traumas from my childhood (I was sexually abused from age 6 - 14), and literally took it all out on him that night.

A couple of weeks later, we got into another physical confrontation, and I hit him again.

About 2 weeks ago, I slapped him, and when I did I accidentally scratched his face with my nail. Oh dear god, I felt horrible about it! I still do!!!!

Since then, I've realized that I never want to hit him again, no matter how mad I get! If I get overwhelmed with anger or grief, I go take a shower or a walk. Jesus, you guys, I said this to WH, but I need to say it again: I AM SO SORRY. I thought he deserved it because of the devastating pain he's put me in, and thought it was more acceptable because I am a woman, but I realize now how very wrong it is and that it's no road I want to go down ever again. There is NO excuse for physical violence in any form from ANY party.

Thank you all for helping me realize how wrong I was!

Just came by to bump this because...

ccw82, You are to be commended for the personal realization, especially when so many are incapable of it. It shows true character to be able to make changes like this.