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cass ( member #24261) posted at 9:59 PM on Tuesday, October 15th, 2013
DDay - April 2008
Me - 58 and doing great, alone.
Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket!
Reality ( member #39077) posted at 12:45 AM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
((truth))
Your post was beautifully written and I empathize more than I'd like. I think this is where I'll be. My XWH is as scary as they come, like it sounds your XWH was. In our case, its not drugs, though you can call psychopathy a mental illness.
I know he's not going to bother to set up the elaborate front again with anyone else - he's become too set in what's comfortable to him to try for "human" anymore - much like a drug addict immersing themselves beyond any sense of being "normal."
He won't have anyone at the end. He's burned too many bridges after I outed him. The kids and I have talked about how likely it is that we'll have to take care of funeral arrangements for him when it gets to that.
I've been in that locked room with the kids protected behind me. I understand completely.
I'm so sorry you're still "connected" to him at the end. I'm so sorry you and your babies have to trudge through the mental/emotional miasma of him forcing himself into your lives in a different, if equally destructive way.
Forgive me for sounding harsh, but yeah, I wouldn't feel too badly for him either after seeing one of my children shed one more tear about him.
Remember, those two months? He chose that. It didn't have to be that way. It's okay to be angry about that. It's HEALTHY to be angry about that.
All the commiserating/raging/horrified/frustrated sympathies.
Wishing you real freedom. For good.
[This message edited by Reality at 6:46 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
heartache101 ( member #26465) posted at 12:54 AM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
(((truth))
Prayers to you and your boys!
There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing
truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 2:59 AM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
Thank you all. Its just such a comfort to have you guys... I feel like you are some of the few people in my life that have known these aspects of me/my life. This whole thing is something that I never - NEVER - talked about IRL. I knew people were already talking. 
So many layers to this but I think im afraid of the compassion most of all, you know? Suiting up and game face is always how ive handled it.
Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo
Funny thing, I quit being broken when I quit letting people break me.
sad12008 ( member #18179) posted at 3:15 AM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
Ironically, burial arrangements will fall to the boys since they are next of kin. I'm even pissed that they have to deal with that on ANY level.
Wow, it totally s*cks that your kids are getting dragged into this, I'm so sorry.
Huge hugs, truth. You're definitely in uncharted waters but you will persevere. You and your sons will be in my thoughts.
You can't fill a cup with no bottom.
caregiver9000 ( member #28622) posted at 3:20 AM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
((((tsmf))))
sending you peace and comfort and patience and strength.
Me: fortysomething, independent, happy,
XH "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
two kids, teens. Old enough I am truly NO CONTACT w/ NPD zebraduck
S 5/2010
D 12/2012
rainagain ( member #14917) posted at 3:37 AM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:11 done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love- Marino Me: Divorced
purplejacket4 ( member #34262) posted at 4:24 AM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
Hugs to you and your boys.
Me: BS 50
Her: FWS 53 (both family med MDs; together 23 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
Limboconsiliationish
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???
Kelany ( member #34755) posted at 5:09 AM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
Burial arrangements fell to me and my sister as next of kin too. It was difficult. Flying from VA to ID, meeting with the coroner, setting up his funeral through the VA, closing accounts, dealing with bills, etc.
Go with them if you can, be there for them. It will be one of the hardest things ever.
BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Laura28 ( member #28997) posted at 8:22 AM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
(((truthsetmefree)))
Laura
Married 42yrs Me BW 68Yrs Him F?WH 70yrs OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted. Dday May 28 2010. OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years). OW2 2002(8yrs PA). OW3 2009(1Yr PA). Others?? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck 'em"
Skan ( member #35812) posted at 7:40 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
I'm so very sorry. Your children are extrememly lucky that you are their mother just as lucky as you are to have them in you life. Hold each other closely. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
movingforward777 ( member #6850) posted at 8:27 PM on Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
((truth)) You are a strong and loving mother who has been through far too much in life....your boys are lucky to have you as their Mum....
I would suggest a simple cremation and then later when the boys are ready you could do a scattering of the ashes and they can speak their minds at that point.
Suggest they sit and write a letter to their father and get it all out that way.
Counselling might be a good option too....having someone impartial to talk to and express how they feel in a safe, confidential manner...
How sad for your family to have something like this come into your lives....I pray that you all find peace of mind and are able to put the difficult memories to rest....HUGS
PS As for the wonderful man that has been a "Dad" to them all these years I am sure he will understand that even though the man was not a part of their lives there is bound to still be some feelings there on your son's part. I'm sure they have fostered hopes that at some point their "father" will recover and come back into their lives in a kind and loving way, even if they realized that it was not a possibility as they got older... 
[This message edited by movingforward777 at 2:30 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]
You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith
truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 3:14 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
This is so f*cked up...
I got the phone call from the chaplain on Monday. He also gave me numbers for the detective and the medical examiner.
Calls to the detective have gone unreturned.
His sister calls the ME today and is told that the dont have a "XH"...and that the discovered body has not been identified yet.
WTH????
WTFH????????
Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo
Funny thing, I quit being broken when I quit letting people break me.
truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 3:18 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
Ive been doing pretty well...just working through it as it comes.
But this makes me feel like im starting to crack.... A slow crack that spreads wider and wider the longer it runs.
Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo
Funny thing, I quit being broken when I quit letting people break me.
Pentup ( member #20563) posted at 4:36 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
I came in just to see how you are holding up. Wish I lived closer so we could grab a drink, sit on your patio and let you cry until you were ready to laugh again.
This sucks. No way around it. You will plow through this and survive it. Pray about everything, worry about nothing. That verse keeps popping up for me and I am sharing it with you.
Huge huge huge hugs friend.
Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)
truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 4:52 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
Oh, Pent...could use both you and that drink. You always end up making me laugh. Love you my friend.
Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo
Funny thing, I quit being broken when I quit letting people break me.
Pentup ( member #20563) posted at 5:13 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
Love you too. Get some sleep and we will talk tomorrow.
Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)
Kajem ( member #36134) posted at 9:33 AM on Thursday, October 17th, 2013
(((((((Truth))))))))). (((((((((((Boys)))))))
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - UnknownRelationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
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