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(((truth))))

As far as feeling guilty? I did too. I felt guilty for not trying to reach out to him, for shutting him out of my life (though I know I needed to). I even wondered if he'd ever loved me, and yet I wondered WHY I wondered that because of WHO he was you know? I felt guilty for not giving him one chance to make right what he'd done. I felt guilty for not ever "meeting" him (I hadn't seen him since I was 2). I felt guilty for things that weren't even in my control.

The evening of his funeral I sobbed on the bathroom floor of our hotel in my husband's arms. Every intense emotion I'd ever felt about him was amplified.

The guilt is normal, even though we have nothing to feel guilty about.

I was also very ANGRY about it all. Angry that I had to deal with it, his affairs after. That I had to FEEL these feelings after shutting them away for 36 years. I was angry he'd invaded my life once again when I shut him out.

It was very confusing to me.

Again, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Honestly, my therapist helped me a lot with this.

(((((((truth and her boys))))))

((((((Samantha))))))

Thank you deeply for sharing that. I could see much more clearly what the boys could be feeling by reading yours. I'm so sorry. It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense. The oldest one has expressed many of the exact same sentiments.

I think part of why this is so hard has to do with the fact that he wasn't found for almost two months. That part especially hurts. Also too that it was just a mile or so from the apartments where DS23 now lives.

(((((((truth and her boys))))))

No words friend.

Sending prayers for you and your boys.

((((truthsetmefree))))

I'm so sorry. That is horrific.

(((((truthsetmefree and sons))))

Truth, I can't imagine the feelings of not finding him for 2 months. I'm sure that compounds it a lot, especially for the boys.

For me, it only took 2 days (we believe) to find him. But to me, even THAT made me feel horrible. The thoughts that ran through my head were "He died alone, how isolating that must have been" "He had no one in the end, I wonder what his last thoughts were as he was snorting those pills, did he think of me at all? Did he ever think of me?" I also felt guilt that he WAS alone. He'd been shunned by everyone in his family (rightfully so) but he had no one. I can't imagine dying completely and utterly alone.

He had a dog, who'd just had puppies. We don't know if the puppies were born before or after he died, they found them with his body. He also had two cats. He lived in a tiny tiny travel trailer in a trailer park. It was disgusting. He'd been a hoarder and was living in filth. We went to his trailer to see if there was anything we needed to get. It was very difficult being there and knowing he'd been laying on the couch just a few weeks before when he died.

That I'm sure will be hard to process for your boys (and you) too. Him dying so alone, and that no one even cared to look for him. Though that is not your fault at ALL, ever, the feelings will still need to be processed.

Be gentle with yourselves, all of you.

Feel free to PM if you'd like. I can share more and what I've done to try and process this entire mess.

(((truth))). I am so very sorry that you and yours are going through this horrid time.

I can empathize with you and your boys, as your post brings back memories of the pain, guilt and sheer relief that I felt when the police told me tthat my X had committed suicide with a gunshot to the heart.

And I can never forget the agony of telling my son (son was adopted by X at age two). X frightened me - a LOT

.

I had just had to spend time in an ER waiting room with X a fewfew days before he killed himself. Our son was seriously injured in a car accident. I will always wonder whether seeing me happy with my late husband pushed X over the edge.

I will pm you my phone # and please call if you need to talk - doesn't matter what time it is.

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 10:50 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

I am so sorry for you and the boys. Lots of love and prayers coming your way...

O. M. G. I am so sorry for you and the boys.

((((tsmf & boys))))

((((truthsetmefree and family))))

(((truth and boys)))

(((truth and family)))

(((Truth and boys)))

((((tsmf))))

I'm so sorry. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

(((truth))))

I sat one time in the middle of my hallway with a loaded gun and my 6 & 10 year old babies hiding in the bath tub while my XH (divorced 4 yrs at that point) was trying to get in every door.

I'm so sorry. It's that kind of trauma that stays with us for so so long. Hopefully, all the pain, fear, and years of horror can all be buried with him.

Stay strong.

I am so sorry - what a roller coaster of emotions this must be. ((HUGS))