SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

it really hit home and drove in the point that my relationship with her is dead, and that going forward it is a new relationship with very different circumstances and parameters, the illusions are gone.

Many WSs will try to tell you that "it was just one mistake". My WH kept saying "it was just a little blip in a long relationship."

Don't let them gaslight you/define reality for you.

It will never be the same, the betrayal will always be there. If you & your WS work hard, you wont always be in pain like this, & maybe your new marriage can be strong.

But, now, the question is: is it a deal breaker for you. And, do you still have enough love for her to give her a chance to repair it---that is going to take time. Take your time making this decision.

It took me almost half a year to make this decision (I did not have SI then), & there have been many days since then that I have had to consciously decide that I am going to stay with WH another day. However, it is getting better. But it is a roller coaster ride & takes a lot of patience.

I will tell you one thing---& I bet that 99% of us BSs will agree. You have to be willing to walk away in either case----whether you want to R or want to D. Most WSs will not come out of the fog until you show that you are willing to walk.

In my case, I asked my WH to leave on Dday. He ended up being out of the house for 5 mos because he would not stop contact with OW, who he works with. It took my going to a lawyer & starting divorce proceedings, & taking off my wedding ring & handing it to him, before he finally stopped contact.

suchislife01, you can not "nice" them back. Stand up for yourself, it is the only way.

Because she is an inhuman heartless monster. A sociopath incapable of emathy.

There is no such thing as R.

She is a cake eater. Stop all attempts for figuring out what the hell is or was going on in her head.

Focus on you and leave her ass.

Sorry, but on my journey, I learned to not have any mercy on these fucking monsters that put their selfish needs before commitment and their families.

Given your wife's age do you have the sense that she could be having a midlife crisis?

Okay, so I have been thinking about this and why this betrayal feels so painful...

I think my parents raised me well, in particular my father. As a teen and young adult into my 20's my father instilled in me a great pride and care for my body. At 16 he showed me an encyclopedia with pictures of venereal deceases and told me what could happen if I had intercourse with someone carrying some decease.

He told me I needed to be careful and thoughtful about rushing into sex with my hormones running hot through my teen body.

He and my mother told me that I was a good looking boy and that girls were going to be interested in me, not only for my looks but for the easy going way that I am.

I worked out, discipline myself to keep a very fit body, joined the army for 3 years because I wanted to be an infantry man, come out of the army and went to school and received my degree in engineering, all this time working hard on my body and dating many women to get to know them.

This may sound odd, but after dating a few girls, I would make an appointment at a clinic and would take them to get tested for STD with me before engaging in intercourse.

Now, my wife and I did all this things, we had a very intense sexual and intimate relationship where she would tell me what it seem to me all her desires, emotional fears and apprehensions.

She is a fitness buff like me, disciplined and driven.

So, maybe it could be that she is feeling old as she would make comments that younger women do not have to work hard at staying beautiful...

She told me that she only had two prior boyfriends before settling down with me... Would had she wondered what is like to be with other men?

When I chose her, I knew she was the woman I wanted for me, and I have resisted and didn't even considered sleeping with other women when other women have tried to flirt or come on to me.

I am devastated.

Because she is an inhuman heartless monster. A sociopath incapable of empathy.

I think that''a a great answer. Because so was I. Seriously. I mean, OP''s WW is almost certainly not clinically a sociopath, nor was I. But close enough. Without hesitation or guilt, I pursued MM, and had sex with AP and, back at home, with my BH. I held BH''s hand and told him I loved him and what a great life we had. While behind his back I complained about him to APs. And lied to BH so I could sneak off and be with them.

Mid-life crisis? Maybe. But irrelevant. I turned 40, I saw a grey hair, BH had gained weight, he was always criticizing me...I came up with lots of "reasons" why I deserved an A or two. APs gave me an injection of brain chemicals, which I mistook for happiness. They told me how beautiful and brilliant I was, of course, because how else would they get into my pants? What a sucker I was. So very typical, Wayward 101.

And then I got caught. And it took months for me to come out of the fog. Watching me detox from AP2 was so much worse for BH than the actual sex part. I doubt I''ll ever truly understand or appreciate how deeply I hurt him, and we are still very much in recovery mode.

My therapist assured me that I''m not a sociopath. What I realize now is, being a heartless monster is curable. If the WS owns 100% responsibility and voluntarily seeks help.

My answer is, she was using AP to self-medicate her pain. Whatever that was. Until she figures out healthy coping mechanisms, she will be at great risk of reoffending.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 1:06 PM, January 25th, 2014 (Saturday)]

Without hesitation or guilt, I pursued MM, and had sex with AP and, back at home, with my BH. I held BH''s hand and told him I loved him and what a great life we had. While behind his back I complained about him to APs. And lied to BH so I could sneak off and be with them.

Mid-life crisis? Maybe. But irrelevant. I turned 40, I saw a grey hair, BH had gained weight, he was always criticizing me...I came up with lots of "reasons" why I deserved an A or two. APs gave me an injection of brain chemicals, which I mistook for happiness. They told me how beautiful and brilliant I was, of course, because how else would they get into my pants? What a sucker I was. So very typical, Wayward 101.

And then I got caught. And it took months for me to come out of the fog. Watching me detox from AP2 was so much worse for BH than the actual sex part. I doubt I''ll ever truly understand or appreciate how deeply I hurt him, and we are still very much in recovery mode.

My therapist assured me that I''m not a sociopath. What I realize now is, being a heartless monster is curable. If the WS owns 100% responsibility and voluntarily seeks help.

My answer is, she was using AP to self-medicate her pain. Whatever that was. Until she figures out healthy coping mechanisms, she will be at great risk of re offending.

20WrongsVs1,

Thank you for that post, that will have to do as good an explanation as any.

At the end of the day, it was her choice to cheat, and to keep on doing it, or carrying on the affair.

Really, no explanation will wash away the pain I feel, water under the bridge.

Now reality of what follows, the children's well being, mine and hers. Although in separate ways.

I can't stand to see her, I don't feel one tiny bit of compassion from her tears, she revolts me and I can't stand to look at her.

I recognize my emotions are very raw, yet, I cannot get this horrible pain and disgust to subside from my being.

After doing a cold cost/benefit analysis, the conclusion is for me to D her, and for me to move on with my life.

And to be honest, I am not even looking forward to meet a woman, I need time to heal and seek IC.

It's cake eating.

The A was just sex, but I love you blah ,blah.

She tells me that she wished to speak to me. We spoke for a few minutes and after a long pause she asks me what is on my mind.

I tell her at the moments I am wondering how the hell our life got so screwed up.

She tells me that I am too logical, too disciplined for my own good, that emotions do not work that way. I shut down on her, I was not there for her emotional needs, I insulted her and called her capricious, I demeaned her and made her feel worthless. Then I asked her if she found what she needed with the OM. She tells me that it was a big mistake and that she wishes she could take it all back. I tell her we must sell the house and I want her out of my life. She cries uncontrollably and tells me to forgive her and to work it out. That is not fair for the children to lose their home. I ask her why didn't she think of that before being unfaithful, she tells me she was not thinking, that she just felt empty and abandoned...

Bottom line she tells me, I was not there for her when she was suffering and needing me the most...

I would like to hear from other WWs if they cheated because they felt abandoned by their husbands...

Such,

Good job, man. This view of WW being able to claim she is all emotionally screwed up, thus entitled to screw around and act like some privileged trollop is just BS. Either be married, and act like it, or have some dignity and actually talk to your spouse before going off like a dimestore whore.

If she feels this is such a concern that she need to go out and fall into the lair of such smooth talking shithead, is in too much trouble to present her issues to her Husband?

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 9:57 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

@suchislife01,

Blameshifting. What is that, chapter 3 of Wayward 101?

No, the bottom line is that she'd rather make someone else responsible for her actions.

The bottom line is that instead of fixing things in the M or choosing D she chose door #3...having an A.

The bottom line sounds like a lot of rewriting of the M to make you the bad guy who "made her cheat"

Bottom line sounds like D is a good idea because her idea of R is for you to apologize to her for her A.

Justgreatnews, Brandon808, you guys are 100% correct.

Now, how the hell do I move forward? /rhetoric

When I chose my wife, it was a careful and deliberate choice to marry her. I vowed to myself to be truthful, loving, caring, faithful, honest, and loyal to her.

I fell in love hard for her, to the day I found out about the affair I was still illusioned with her.

Yesterday I cried like a baby, uncontrollably hard unlike anything I have ever done, after that I felt the pain lift and my heart grew sad.

I am not angry anymore, I feel a deep disappointment and sadness.

It seems to me that when I now look at her I don't feel anything, and when I look at my sweet children I feel pain because they remind me of her.

I want to move on and never look back.

She is pleading me to give her a second chance, for us to R and begin again.

I just don't want to love her like that again, I wish her luck, I wish she can find what she was looking for in the OM.

I want to be alone for a while, I want to not feel anything for now.

I asked her to release me from my vow to her, she didn't want to do it, until she finally relented and said yes. I feel free, free to let my pain go and to let my love for her die.

I wonder if will I ever love again the same way someone else, and if this misery depart from my soul?

I asked her again, why didn't you just choose one of us, why did you have to be with him and with me?

She only replied, I was hurt, I felt abandoned by you.

My gut tells me that I failed to communicate with her, though that is not an excuse for her cheating.

I would like to hear from other WWs if they cheated because they felt abandoned by their husbands

My gut tells me that I failed to communicate with her

Don't let her get any traction with this abandonment line. No marriage is perfect, no two humans communicate perfectly with each other. The WW playbook says, "Identify some problem in your M or some dissatisfaction with your H and inflate it. So you feel justified (poor you!) in having your needs met elsewhere." No doubt every WW feels abandoned or ignored or under-appreciated, etc. Did we cheat because of that? No. We cheated because we lack healthy coping skills and/or self esteem.

There's a hell of alot of blame shifting her, in essence she's saying it's your fault she cheated.

If it was a one time deal, then a very very very long shot you could condone it.

But it was 2 years (that you know of) 2 years is not a "mistake" it's carefully planned and coordinated deceit which had you not found out would have continued today. So with all her excuses did at any point recently did she try to talk to you?

My only concern reading this is that she still doesn't seem to get it. So her chances of repeating her behavior will be all the more greater or since she didn't seem to have a viable exit strategy, she'll just wait for someone who can support her better. All of this is conjecture of course, but ultimately you need to be firm and not take any of her BS on board, not until she truly gets it.

My gut tells me that I failed to communicate with her, though that is not an excuse for her cheating.

Maybe you did fail to communicate with her, but since her response was not to insist on MC or D she clearly had some communication issues of her own.

She only replied, I was hurt, I felt abandoned by you.

She "felt" abandoned. You didn't actually abandon her physically so clearly she is talking about emotional abandonment. So what was her answer? To have an A. How much of an emotional abandonment is that, huh?

I'm calling bullsh*t. She didn't feel "abandoned". She just didn't feel validated. She wasn't interested in fixing the M. She wanted to get the attention and validation that she wanted.

To paraphrase what another member wrote:

"It may not have been a perfect M, but it was ours."

That is what her choice cost you.

It has already been pointed out this was not some isolated monumental lapse in judgment. This was a protracted A, lasting at least 2 years.

SIL01 - I am sorry for your situation. It must feel horrible to learn that the mother of your kids engaged in such a terrible behavior.

To answer your initial question, people cheat because they can and because they want. Period. There is no gun to their head forcing them to cheat. All the after-the-fact rationalization is just developing a model to rationalize the fact that they cheated.

I think it goes like this:

Issues --> feeling wronged (and or) --> sense of entitlement --> decision to have an affair

It seems that your wife has a strong sense of entitlement. She feels abandoned and wants you to read her mind (in spite of being laid off, changing job, etc). She wants to keep the same material lifestyle in spite of the family's changed financial situation and, again, it is on you.

Now, only you can tell if she can genuinely acknowledge and work to fix her entitlement issues. If she can, maybe there is a chance to save your kids from the heartbreak of a divorce.

I know that you have already decided to divorce her. And given the situation, it is totally understandable. However, it seems that your DDay is relatively recent and I would suggest that you take more time before reaching a decision. At least 6 months from now. Your emotions are still raw and decisions taken under these circumstances are not always the best. Take this little additional time to make sure that the emotions are not driving your decision. During this time, take her to IC and/or MC and try and see if she can overcome her sense of entitlement. Try it for your kids, if not for you.

Good luck.

[This message edited by frankier at 8:45 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

My H claimed the same thing that he was trying to find a lost connection with me by having sex with me and having a relationship with OW simultaneously..

How in the hell can one find a lost connection with somebody if he or she is engaging in treacherous behavior behind that person's back?

This behavior that the wayward engages in is one sure way to severe a connection that is already waning for good...

I agree with the others she is blame shifting and not taking responsibility for her actions. She needs to be called out on that.

That said, what I hear from your W's responses is she knows she screwed up, doesn't want to loose her family, but is very mistaken about who is responsible for what. She needs to learn that.

It why I recommended what I did that other day in a previous post. I am all about R. If two people both commit to the learning and healing process needed I think it can be wonderful again for them. That said you both have a long way to go if you choose to go that direction.

IMO - Detach from your W and mentally give yourself and your M 6 months before making a major decision. The time itself won't heal anything, but if you W getting in to IC and figures out why she cheated, how she allowed her morals to be comprised and then shares that with you, the two of you may be able to make a go of it.

Your job is different. You need to figure out why you want to stay or if you do. Remember something - people can change and redefine themselves. Your W can too. That does not mean she will, but if she starts to take responsibility for her actions (no more "I felt abandoned") and really starts to look at what she needs to change to prevent this instead of blaming you...things can be good. Your job, and it is a very hard one, is to really step back, detach from her, and evaluate her progress and sincerity in her journey to become a authentic person who doesn't lie and cheat.

Keep posting. Encourage her to start reading and get into IC.

Healing, regardless of your M's outcome, is work and takes time...buckle up...

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 8:55 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Okay, so here is an update for you guys.

My original question was why would she be sleeping with both of us and why not just choose one...

A few days ago she gave me an answer.

She said that she just wanted to fuck the guy, she found him attractive and that she like his initial attention and that the sex was ok, not as good as us but acceptable giving all the problems we were having.

I remained calm, smiled and told her, okay, I will accept your answer, but why do you want to still be my wife given what you have done?

She replied that she still loves me deeply and does not want to lose me, that she knows she made a terrible mistake and wish that she could take it all back.

She asked me if I would stop the divorce and take her back. I said no, I would not take her back. But after all is said and done, we could date and see if we could have a relationship again, since the old relationship is dead and being buried.

This is the kicker, when she gave me her answer, I felt deep anger, but immediately felt relief at the thought that it seems to me that she is really feeling remorse for her mistake.

I told her I forgave her, and that for the love of our children we could maybe work something out in the future.

[This message edited by suchislife01 at 4:34 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

She asked me if I would stop the divorce and take her back. I said no, I would not take her back.

I'm glad you did. You were right to stand your ground. She has yet to show true remorse. She may be finally seeing what she is going to lose but that is the point. She sees what she is going to lose. She has not recognized your hurt from her choices.

Yes - stand your ground and see what she does. Stay strong.

but why do you want to still be my wife given what you have done?

Wrong question. Why would I allow you to be my wife?

immediately felt relief at the thought that it seems to me that she is really feeling remorse for her mistake.

I don't know if that is remorse, so much as consequences. Referring to her A as a mistake is not indicative of remorse. I think you should continue to press forward w/D. You may be able to R in the future, but as of now, I think she's more concerned w/the repercussion of her A than what she did to you.