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I hope SHE gets really fat from all that cake eating.

Of course you get a say in things. You indicate you are competitive. This is one thing you can win by not jumping in to sleep with her.

And omg poor poor her, she is blaming you for being terrible and it's all your fault that you hurt her so much by being distant while you lost a great job and are working 3 times as much to support your family.

Boo hoo. I have zero sympathy for her and hopefully as you realize how she is playing you even now, you will lose sympathy too and detach so you can decide what is best for you and your kids.

I understand what you're getting at, I think.

For a BH, his wife having sex with two men during the same time periods is downright repugnant, revolting.

Men understand this much better than women, I think.

T/j

How is it not revolting for a BW to find out her WH is sleeping with others while also sleeping with her?

I gotta pull the "its a male thing" card.

Surely, both are revolting, and terrible things to do.

However, if you assembled a group of men and women together and discussed their feelings with regard to the sex acts, I think you'd find men harbor a much greater deal of physical repulsion.

The image of another man ejaculating inside your wife (even with a condom in my case) is so vile and disgusting its hard to bear.

To continue a sex life with the husband while this is going on adds further disgust.

I've been around here a long time, and read a lot of stories. I'm pretty sure this isn't a male vs female thing. It sucks for all of us.

Gentlemen-----no arguing. We are all on the same side.

It is nauseating for any BS to think of their WS being intimate with AP. I have literally vomited about it myself.

I'm sorry, but it really isn't a male thing. It's just a thing.

As a matter of fact, one of the people The Princess was going to cheat with in her threesome was a somewhat attractive woman - the type of thing I should have been dreaming of.

Didn't fucking matter. It's all just cheating.

Gotta admit, the whole girl-on-girl thing doesn't turn me on like it used to - it actually triggers me. Do you have any idea how much porn that ruins?!?

Like mchercheur says: We're all in this together.

[This message edited by pass at 2:37 PM, January 24th, 2014 (Friday)]

I understand that your original question was 'how can SHE have sex with both OM and you'. What I think might be an interesting question to ask yourself is 'why do I still have sex with her, if she is still sexual with her affair partner?' I'm pretty positive that I would never willingly continue to be available as a sexual partner to my WH if I knew his infidelity was continuing. If you refused, are you thinking it would push her away?

In a fit of controlled anger, I told her to give me his number, she did and I called the OM. He didn't answer, but in front of her I said "Hey Peter, this is Charles, you can keep my whore" left the message and hung up.

Excellent, just excellent. I think it is important that your W fully understand what she has become and how you view her. That does not mean its over or she can't change, but current behavior indicates those words are true.

OK...let dig in from the start...

1)Take good care of yourself. Lot's of water, stay away from the booze and work out like a mad mad. Your W no longer has you or your kids best interest at heart. Assume everything she tells you is a lie right now.

2) See a lawyer - You are from NJ and divorce there is brutal. Get down to the Menz thread and ask around.

3) Turn away from your W and towards yourself. You are on the beginning of a great journey filled with pain, loss and redemption. You are not in this together right now until she has proven it though actions to you.

4) Leave you W emotionally. Some people call it detaching. Don't be an ass, but you are the captian of your own ship and she is simply a serving wench. If she does not like that she can hit the road.

5) About those actions:

- NC - not once, not ever.

- If there is another BS call them and explain - be kind it sucks.

- She must agree to be completely honest with you -always If she turns in to a lying whore again tell her you will D her. She got her one chance.

- She must agree to you having passwords to all online, email and phone accounts. No more secretes for her.

- Anything else you want. I put mandatory sex and BJ's in mine. Find out if she really wants to stay M'd to you. There is nothing "equal" in your relationship anymore. Its just you and the chick that cheated on you. None of this is good long term relationship advice (very bad really) but you are no longer in a long term relationship until she stops acting like a spoiled little twat. If she agrees to all this and starts to tow the line, watch her carefully and look to see if she is remorseful. If she is, slowly easy of the petal and invite her back in...slowly....

6) Start to separate you money and don't tell her. Spreadsheet it all out. Get savings and checking accounts in your name, credit card, etc. Get ready to bolt.

7) Read, read, read. Here on SI and legally how men get served during D.

8) Forget calling it a mid-life crisis. Dye your hair, check. Buy a sports car, check. Smoke another dudes pole? I don't by it.

9) She needs to get into IC and figure out why she did this to herself. She did not do it to you, she is the one that is messed up and she needs to figure it out and then share it with you.

She will want to blame the M. She will want to blame you. Anyone but herself. The truth is, it is all on her. Did you hold her head while she was giving it? Nope. She made choices none of which was to break the M and enter into another healthy relationship. Don't fall for it. It ain't on you.

Listen this all sucks and there are at least as many ways to recover from this shit as there are people who go through it. The (un)fortunate truth is you need to figure out exactly who you are now, what you want and if you want her in the mix anymore. If you decide you want her in the mix, make dam sure you not only get what you want out of the relationship, but out of your life. Life is too short to spend with an ass-hat.

take care of yourself.....

t/j -

Gentlemen-----no arguing. We are all on the same side.

It is nauseating for any BS to think of their WS being intimate with AP. I have literally vomited about it myself.

Agreed with no arguing. That said, I was never nauseated by it. For some reason I never had mind movies or any of that crap. I think it was that I accepted pretty quickly that she turned into a childish ho. At that point she was not longer special to me. Just a ho.

I am glad she is not any more. I like her much better the way she is now...

take care...

suchislife, listen to Wert.

I just sent you a private message telling you a little about my journey and what finally made me decide to leave. I also gave you a link to the discussion that really got me going. Wert did a similar long post in there, and it was my wake-up call.

Like I said in the PM (makes you wonder why I said it in private if I'm going to say some of it here too!): "I won't think any less of you if you don't end your marriage, but I strongly encourage you to at least empower yourself by considering it."

The bottom line is: You deserve better.

What I am looking for right now is for WS to tell me how is it that they can have sex with their husband and the other man at the same time. How can they live with themselves doing that, for whatever reasons.

I understand that. I wanted to know it. I recommend this - don't try to understand crazy ass behavior. You can line up WS from here to China, including my W, many of whom are excellent people, who have learned from transgressions and wrongs and changed there ways, and the will all tell you various reasons for there actions. I say fuck 'em on that point. They did it because something deep in them needed something sick. Something not real to fill a hole in themselves. Many of them patch the hole and turn out better than most people I know. The truth is I don't want to look into that dark corner. I don't want to know the sickness...the can live it.

The only person you need to know why from is your W. If she ever figures it out - its a lot of work - she needs to tell you. Your job is to listen and figure out if she is full of shit or not.

take are of yourself man...get down to the menz thread.

You can line up WS from here to China, including my W, many of whom are excellent people, who have learned from transgressions and wrongs and changed there ways, and the will all tell you various reasons for there actions. I say fuck 'em on that point. They did it because something deep in them needed something sick. Something not real to fill a hole in themselves. Many of them patch the hole and turn out better than most people I know. The truth is I don't want to look into that dark corner. I don't want to know the sickness...the can live it.

Yes. The bold part I think is particularly apt.

Slight t/j: That being said, as a BW, and I realize this is unprovable, individual and possibly sexist, but I often wonder if it is harder for BH to recover from idea of the actual sex act than BW. As a woman, there can be a sense of defilement that I am not sure it translatable for men.

It is surely misogynistic to say, but while the idea of my H having sex with someone else hurts, digusts and repulses me, if I had sex with another man, there is sort of, perhaps antiquated, idea that I would be tainted, somehow. As women we are vessels that carry human life, and my (very biased) feeling is that there should be a sacredness to our bodies. I don't think men vilify their bodies after they have an affair, feel "dirty", etc., and I have heard from one WW here on SI that she couldn't bear to see her own body after the affair. So, I do wonder if it is different, at least for some people.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:11 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

I do, actually think it is easier for WW than WH to "double-dip" so to say, as they can "fake it." My H couldn't, and he had his first experience of ED.

Thank you for all the great replies!

I gotta pull the "its a male thing" card.

Surely, both are revolting, and terrible things to do.

However, if you assembled a group of men and women together and discussed their feelings with regard to the sex acts, I think you'd find men harbor a much greater deal of physical repulsion.

The image of another man ejaculating inside your wife (even with a condom in my case) is so vile and disgusting its hard to bear.

To continue a sex life with the husband while this is going on adds further disgust.

That is exactly it, I cannot bear to look at her and not want to vomit at the thought of OM releasing into her.

You also said she has been "very violent and abusive toward you."

People who are messed up enough to be "very violent and abusive" toward someone they are supposed to love are capable of almost anything. Can you add to that description?

She would complain about my hours, I would ask her to cut back on spending, to help me budget, she would pull back and tell me I am limiting her, and then she would throw things at me and tell me to get a better paying job. In her rages she would lunge at me an bite me, scratch me. Pure temper tantrums my children would freak out at yell at her to come down.

Okay, I am not having sex with her since I found out I cut her cold. I have made appointments to have us checked for STDs and told her "our" life as she has known it is over.

Your WW ended your marriage by what she did. If you both want to rebuild a new marriage, she has to go completely no contact with POSOM.

mchercheur, thank you for that statement, it really hit home and drove in the point that my relationship with her is dead, and that going forward it is a new relationship with very different circumstances and parameters, the illusions are gone.

Tonight she asked me how I was doing. I said not good, and she asked my why.

I said that I have not fully processed the implications of her infidelity.

She asked me not to leave her, that we can work this out, that she loves me and that the only reason she was seeing him was because she felt empty completely empty inside and that every time she tried to speak with me I would insult her and make her feel bad, really bad.

I told her, none of that made it okay for her to open her legs for him. She says she recognizes that she made a terrible mistake and wishes she could take everything back. Yet, my guts tells me that she is playing me the fool.

I had her finally tell me how he started flirting with her and how she responded, she told me that she was feeling low after one of our fights and that he had asked her why such a pretty lady looked so sad. He saw him again after the first time he flirted with him at the same coffee shop until she was riding in his car and making out, then they went to a motel and had sex.. she tells me that she never called him, but it was him who would text her to see her.

I worry about the children. I don't want her in my life and never seeing her again would be soon enough. She is telling me not to abandon her, and that she will kill herself if I leave her.

Given your wife's age do you have the sense that she could be having a midlife crisis?

You know, that is a possibility, but where does that leave me?

You know, I forgot to mention that about three months back she started talking about having another baby.

Tonight I asked her how could she think about having another baby with me while having an affair, then it occurred to me that maybe she wanted to get pregnant by the OM and let me think is was my child... She denied it of course, but told me her desire for another child was for us to become closer together again like in the beginning of our relationship.

[This message edited by suchislife01 at 10:27 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

wert, thank you.

She is telling me not to abandon her, and that she will kill herself if I leave her.

If she makes this statement again, call 911. Treat any such statement as if it is true, even if you believe it to be histrionic or manipulative.

One of two things will happen - if she is truly having suicidal ideations, she will receive the help she needs. If she's saying it to control the situation, your calling 911 will show her that you aren't messing around.