SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not trying to give you yet another thing to worry about.... but, if you are using your family computer then regarding those emails: ASAP, I suggest that you forward each one to a new email account that only you have access to and that there is no possible way your husband can access. Then do not go into that account from your family computer. I know I sound paranoid, but with some of the things I have read that WS's have done to BS's to cover their tracks, I wouldn't put it past him to install a keylogger so that he can gain the password to your sister's account and then proceed to delete all the the emails. Sad to think that people go to these lengths but they sometimes do.

Cryinginside,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Have your friend read the email. Also, as Chickey said, create a new account and forward all the emails to that email address. Keep the evidence. You can also have them printed out, sealed and put in a safety deposit box. Keep your evidence. Others might erase it if they read it.

Hugs to you.

I apologize for not updating sooner.

Thank you all again for your support and kind words and advice.

I went ahead and made a knew email (that was a great idea) and had my friend move any she could find to the new one. I asked her to please read them, just to give me a heads up on the severity of them. She did, and told me it seems as if some are missing. There are pages and pages of email so she thinks she didn't find them all.

Last night, which is always when my mind won't stop, I logged on to the new email account. I opened 2 emails. Emails were from 2007, it was my sister telling him we got into an argument and how much of a bitch I was. His reply back was, Awww I'm sorry to hear that I'm sure you guys will make up. Um...WHAT?!? as I was reading that I thought wtf? Did they forget who they were talking about? It was the strangest thing. That's all I read. I logged out.

I have an appointment with my counselor next Wednesday. That was the soonest she had. Wish it were sooner, but my kids and niece are off of school for a week anyway so it works out.

I haven't talktalked to WH except for the daily convo, nothing extra. He has tried to talk to me about school but I just look at him. I have nothing to say to him.

For weeks I had a tattoo appt to get a memorial tattoo for my sister. I got it on Sunday. When I was cleaning out her apartment I came across a card she had bought me but never gave to me. In it it said such sweet beautiful words, it was almost like she was speaking to me from the grave. It meant the world to me. So I got the last thing she wrote to me, I love you, in her exact handwriting tattooed on me.

Before that I felt no anger at her. After, I do. Not so much anger but confusion and my feelings are crushed. I should have waited to get the tattoo. As now I feel like she didnt love me.

Chicky, Thank you for the advice! I too, after seeing firsthand and reading, am paranoid. That's why I never use our computer. Unless its for the kids homework etc... I use my phone for anything else. When I have logged on to her email, it was mostly from her laptop (which has a password) and a couple times from my phone. I even changed her email password. I wouldn't put anything past him.

Of course now I am wondering, what else dont I know. Other women? Other lies? Other secrets? I haven't searched through his things in so long.I know his passwords, he has me go in his email all the time for things and his phone. But now I am thinking maybe there's a secret email account. Ugh I hate this. I spent so much energy on looking and try to find answers, I dont want to do it again.

Last time, I filed for divorce. I had contacted legal help. We eventually stopped the divorce. I am thinking I may refile. I can't even look at him. I just don't know if I should wait. He is expecting a large amount of $ from the VA soon. This might sound horrible but I feel like I should be entitled to some of that $. I need to find out about that. Probably after my appt.

(((crying)))

This is incredibly painful stuff for sure.

I want to mention one thing, that no one has so far, and I want you to really really listen. This may seem harsh, but you need to understand this to help you heal and move forward.

Your sister was an addict, her addiction changed who she was, and how she chose to live. The girl that had an A with your H wasn't your sister. That was the addict. Just like the girl who died in that apartment that you have so much guilt over, she was the addict. Your sister was very broken, and the only person who fix her was herself. I want you to know that you did all you could for her, and probably more than you should have. Do NOT allow yourself to feel guilt for one more day. You are strong, you are smart, and you did NOTHING to contribute to her death.

You are doing all you can now to help her, by raising your niece, and being their for your family. Do NOT accept that guilt. She was a grown woman, capable of making her own choices. Grieve the loss of her, but let go of the guilt.

((((and strength))))

tushnurse, thank you so much. I needed to hear this. It is extremely hard for me to understand, I have never been an addict. I am not perfect though, when I was younger I experimented with different drugs, I am fortunate I didn't like the way I felt. Never touched any again.

When my sister struggled with her addiction, I was always there for her. I would get so upset with her, but when she needed me I was there. The last year of her life, I told her I had to stop. I no longer could be there for her anymore. I worried every second, to the point where it made me sick. I felt a send of relief after I told her this. Then she made the decision to get clean and started going to the methadone clinic and about 2 months before she passed we started talking on a regular basis again. That's where my guilt lays, I gave up on her.

And now, I keep asking myself, did I do something to her that made her hate me so much? I even asked my friend, who was also a friend of my sister's who we have known for years. She said no cryinginside.

I may never know why. In the emails, she was clean. There was no sense of guilt. Nothing.

Now I have so much anger and hate towards WH. I feel as if he took my sister from me. My best friend. It feels as if I am living in a dream. In a movie.

Thank you for your words. I will continue to read them.

Well, just to add to tush... what kind of person has an A with someone who they know is so vulnerable, so messed up? It's bad enough having an A with someone who is an adult and presumably is able to make choices, even if they're bad one, but when you know the other person is battling addiction... this just seems exponentally more wrong. I don't see how you could stay with this guy. (((crying)))

(Crying inside)

I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a horrible situation! Just when I start to get some faith in humanity I read something like this. The best thing you can do is get some IC. You need to reconcile what your sister was and what to do with your WH.

Not to be a total downer but since your niece's father is "mystery man" is it possible your WH is the father?

Take care of yourself and don't let him gaslight you!

Eta: and since your friend was also a friend of your sister's, you might want to exercise some healthy doubt with her. Is it possible she knew? I'm being paranoid for you.

[This message edited by seriouslylostit at 2:51 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Blobette, Either do I

seriouslylostit, No WH is not her father. My sister had a DNA test done to establish paternity for child support when my niece was a year old. We know who her father is, he just has never been in her life. Thank God that was already known, or I would have had a complete breakdown by now. Also, about my friend, we have known her 15 years she was close to my sister in the beginning for about 2 years. With my sister's drug use she lost many friendships, this one included. They were still civil but never talked or saw each other for many years. She didnt know. But I think my mom did. And my Aunt. Things that didnt seem like anything at all become huge red flags after you find something out. I have had a few of those since reading the email.

How sad

I have no words that haven't been said already especially this

Your sister was an addict, her addiction changed who she was, and how she chose to live. The girl that had an A with your H wasn't your sister. That was the addict. Just like the girl who died in that apartment that you have so much guilt over, she was the addict. Your sister was very broken, and the only person who fix her was herself. I want you to know that you did all you could for her, and probably more than you should have. Do NOT allow yourself to feel guilt for one more day. You are strong, you are smart, and you did NOTHING to contribute to her death.

You are doing all you can now to help her, by raising your niece, and being their for your family. Do NOT accept that guilt. She was a grown woman, capable of making her own choices. Grieve the loss of her, but let go of the guilt.

Just wanted to send you hugs really (((cryinginside)))

Crying in response to her being clean....there is a difference between not using and being clean. She may not have been using but please see that she was using the A as her drug of choice at that point. Still thinking like an addict and wanting someone, something to make her feel better than she did when sober. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if you are able to match up the end of the A with her starting to use again.

Consider going to an alanon meeting or two. It may help you understand how addicts think.

Let go of the guilt. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. As sad as it is she was the only one who could save herself.

Been there done that with an addict sister. You did not "give up on her" as you say. When an addict is wallowing in their addiction, they will suck the life out of everyone around them. And participating in that is not supporting them, it is enabling them. Cutting yourself off from enabling her did nothing. The only one who can get an addict to recover is the addict. And constantly being my sister's soft landing spot, hand holder...yes enabler, did nothing to help her. She is deep in her addiction and truly dangerously violent. I will not try to save her at my own expense. She doesn't want saving, she wants to be comfortable while in her addiction. That does nobody a bit of good.

Way too long winded way of saying cutting ties with an active addict is a healthy choice for you. And had the chance of shaking her up with some tough love -... you did nothing wrong.

(((Cryinginside)))

Take care of yourself. Try to sleep. Try to eat. Ask for help with your kids.

Asking for help is a strength not a weakness.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Wow, I cannot even imagine being in your shoes..

What TushNurse said, this person was a broken version of your sister..

My sister is the one closest person to me on this earth..Professional counselors are okay but I think talking to a good clergy person would be much better....A chaplain...From my experience lay counselors orient their counseling from a problem solving perspective..

While you may need this problem solving perspective in dealing with your husband ( who is still physically on this earth), I think you may also need some counseling or help from somebody who understands divine interventions..

It is so hard to reconcile or find peace with the memories of somebody who betrayed us but is no longer with us on earth..

PM me any time day or night just to talk..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:16 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

There are no words I can say...this situation is just so sad. Hugs to you (((((Cryinginside))))).

I hope you don't mind, I am bumping your thread to the top because there is another new poster who is suffering from the double betrayal. My heart goes out to the both of you.

Her name is Brokenbond. Maybe you can PM each other.

(((((Brokenbond and Cryinginside)))))

tushnurse and JustWow, You both are right. Thank you for writing it. In my head I know this, it's just sometimes my heart feels different. I will continue to go back and read both of your words when I am feeling guilt. Thank you.

Everyday comes a different emotion. Today I am so angry at my sister. And then I feel like shit. How can I be angry at someone who is not here? But I am. Then it makes me miss her more. To the point where I feel I can't breath. So I push it out of my head.

I am realizing I am good at that, pushing things that hurt me out of my mind. My whole life I have been hurt and betrayed by people that should never of hurt me. My dad, my mom, my oldest son's father, my WH and now my sister. I have had counseling for things that happened in my past, but now learning this new information, I think I just pushed it aside and never healed. I am writing down all of these emotions and thoughts I am having so I can share at my IC appt.

One thing I am struggling with is telling my mom. I don't want to tell her. But then again I do. I see her everyday, we share the responsibilities of taking care of my niece. The other day she said something about my sister, and I just nodded. I was afraid if I started to talk I would lose it.

Getting to Happy, Of course I do not mind, my heart goes out to her. Such a terrible pain to live with. I will look her up and PM her. (((Hugs))) back to you.

I worked with all kinds of addicts and I can tell you that your sister that had the affair was not the same person you knew as your sister-----forgive her she was not responsible for her actions----and she already payed for all of her mistakes,all of them---think and remember her with love and pray for her soul,,,,for im sure she is looking out for you------but your husband is another story----how can he take advantage of her like that----and how can he do that to you----you and your sister were victims---he is the problem here----the lies---just looked you in the eyes for years and lied and now looks at your eyes and still lies to you----he is your problem---how could he do this to you and sleep at night-----you have a very sick man next to you----it is all a lie---it has all been a lie---he is winner,to have an affair with your sister---wow,so,so,so,sorry for your pain but remember that you can heal and move on and find someone who will be honest and really show you what love is really about----someone who loves and respects you----you deserve to be happy

-forgive her she was not responsible for her actions--

Just because someone is an addict does not absolve them from their wrongdoings. They still made choices and are responsible for their choices. Your sister was broken, just like your WH was/is. They are both equally responsible, WH isn't more responsible or more to blame than sister. Equal blame, guilt and responsibility by both parties involved.

Just because someone passes away does not put them on "saint" level. I know what I speak of. Our baby sister was a substance abuser/addict (you name it, she abused it) and died at the tender age of 29. To hear some family members speak of her now, she was an angel on earth. Far from the truth. I loved my sister. She was beautiful, fun, a wicked sense of humor, and loving. Unless she was using (which was most of the time). Than she was a hell bitch. Manipulative, violent, lying, thieving, horrible, selfish person.

think and remember her with love and pray for her soul

No one should lay this guilt trip on cryinginside. She has a right to be angry and hateful towards her sister, even if she is passed away. Cryinginside needs to work through all the emotions that she will have about her sister. She may get to a place where she only thinks of her sister with love, but she needs time to process everything that has been revealed to her. To deny your feelings and sweep them aside, as you said you have done in the past, cryinginside, is to do a disservice to yourself. You need to feel and work through all your emotions, not sweep them aside. That is the road to healing. That is the road to acceptance.

eta: I feel it is unfair to be demonizing cryinginside's WH anymore than any other common WS. How many of our WS's had affairs with addicts/alcoholics/sex addicts/mentally ill people? Why is he any worse than any other? I don't believe he is, fwiw. I believe he is a broken man like so many other WS's.

((((cryinginside))))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:48 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

I am so sorry. I cannot begin to imagine the pain, conflicting emotions, betrayal, and confusion you must be feeling, cryinginside.

But to the guilt - I want to say this:

The last year of her life, I told her I had to stop. I no longer could be there for her anymore. I worried every second, to the point where it made me sick. I felt a send of relief after I told her this. Then she made the decision to get clean and started going to the methadone clinic and about 2 months before she passed we started talking on a regular basis again. That's where my guilt lays, I gave up on her.

The way I read this is that you did exactly what you should have done. When you withdrew your emotional support, (when you stopped "enabling") - she did seek help! She did get clean! That is not giving up on her - you did exactly what needed to be done and it worked!! She sought professional help! She got clean!

Her death due to the methadone is tragic, and her involvement with your H, while she was using is sickening - but she was on the right path in the end! You were talking again. I'm sure that was a great comfort to her and helped her to stay strong. Please be at peace with that - you didn't abandon her - you helped her find her way back to being clean!

(((cryinginside))))

[This message edited by Take2 at 10:24 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

Just want to second what SMS and Take2 said. I can't say it better than that. Please be kind to yourself.

cryinginside

I am so sorry you are going through this.. I wish I had the right words to say to you...

we are all here for you!!!

(((HUGS)))