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The OM texted WW via a third person that they set up "for emergencies." Obviously the news that this agreement had been set up was another secret from me.

This would be a major WTF moment for me.

So you(WW) are mad at me, the man you lied to and betrayed by joining AM, because I told the wife of the man you were cheating with?

You're mad because I quote/unquote lied to you? Which you only know about because you had an emergency contact method?

Oh, and having an emergency way to communicate means NC WAS NEVER ESTABLISHED!!!

It means from the start she NEVER, EVER had any intention of maintaining NC!

Now with D happening I think she'll be getting some of the help she needs and maybe being away from me will be helpful for her.

I wished the same thing would happen after my D.

In fact you need to be prepared for her to get worse.

You are an example of integrity, understanding and accountability that will now be gone from her life. The reason is her choices. Her choices. Being away from you will not help her. You were not a negative influence. The only reason she wants to end the M is because being with you reminds of what she's done and what she's failed (by choice) to fully own and repair.

A remorseful WS simply would not have any method of contacting AP.

Why? Because there are no "emergencies" between cheating spouses. AP's do not have any right to "emergency" contact between each other, especially one that is kept secret from the BS. The only "emergency" contact information should be for your spouse! For her to even have that set up is a betrayal.

Is she honestly surprised you didn't give her advance warning? I mean seriously. She and OM had an "emergency" contact method (and I don't believe for one f'n second it was just for emergencies) and it was used by OM to complain about you outing their A. In turn she gets mad at you? Helloooooo...she literally just became the textbook case of why a BS should not tell their WS they're going to out the A. If you had told her she obviously would have warned OM (thereby breaking the fake NC) and fueled more lies and gaslighting of OM's BW. Understand? She would have actively participated in facilitating the betrayal of the OM's BW. Of making her feel the pain you felt. Of making it worse by lying, TT'g and in general making an already horrible betrayal 100 times worse. That is what your WW would have done had you indicated you were going to tell the BW the truth about her own life.

To say that you are, in the long run, better off without WW is an understatement. I know. I've been there. Doesn't mean it won't be painful, but it will be healthier. Her health is not responsibility. She's made her choice.

For the kids:

It may be still summer vacay, but some schools have guidance counselors back at work, especially high school. Give the school a call to see if the district offers free family counseling. Some offer it at a feeder school in the district. If nothing else, you can have a support system in place as they return to school.

Sending strength and prayers for you and the boys.

Brandon808: spot on analysis. Thanks for expressing it so clearly.

Tryin2havefaith: good idea, I'll check into that.

------

BTW, I updated my profile with its sad conclusion:

After seven weeks of agonizing obsession about whether to R or D, I outed the OM to his OBW. My WW told me she found out about it, and I asked her how. She said contemptuously, "I have my methods." She later confessed that OM texted her via a secret phone number that he and my WW pre-arranged "for emergencies." She had the gall to tell me that since I said I wouldn't expose them (an agreement I made under duress as I fretted not knowing who was having sex with my wife) that I shouldn't have told the OBW. As my WW expressed more irritation that I exposed them I realized that she didn't have remorse and still was protective of the OM. She proved that she still didn't get it, and after six months I was convinced that she was unlikely ever to really understand. She revealed herself to me, and I saw someone I couldn't be with.

We are divorcing.

I will never understand the thought process that allows a WS to be outraged that his/her shenanigans were exposed while considering that an affair and lying shouldn't be outrageous to the BS. The thinking is so convoluted it's baffling.

I feel for you and your boys but I'm glad for you that you finally made a decision that is beneficial to you rather than waiting for her to wallow her way out of the muck. From what I've seen, most pigs prefer to continue wallowing in the muck. Cleaning up their act is more work than can be mustered- it's just easier to stay dirty.

This

You are an example of integrity, understanding and accountability that will now be gone from her life. The reason is her choices. Her choices. Being away from you will not help her. You were not a negative influence. The only reason she wants to end the M is because being with you reminds of what she's done and what she's failed (by choice) to fully own and repair.

Is so true indeed

Please remember that

I'm so sorry she's not remorseful

You are doing the right thing

Love and light be with you

Sr

Holy shit, it's hitting me. I'm at the airport waiting on my flight and it's hitting me. This is so fucking sad. And such a tragic waste. We might have made it if not for her affairs. Or the false R. Or all the fucking TT. Or the disgusting tawdriness of ashley fucking madison dot com. Put it all together and it's too much, we're over.

Or maybe we were just wrong from the start and I didn't know it all these years? And she did me a favor by showing me who she really is? Maybe a combination?

I proposed almost exactly 20 years ago. She's the only woman I have ever loved. All that time together is now void. So many things we'll never do again. Most likely I'll never see her family again. I'll never love her again, really love her. She'll never get back on that pedestal, ever. She stabbed me in the heart and we will not recover.

The infidelity and my mother's death have meant I've been in a constant state of grief for 7 months. Twenty four fucking seven. I don't know how I can grieve anymore. But I must.

I hate this so fucking much. But it's how it must be.

Mhca

Your first paragraph said it all. She signed up for Ashley Madison. She went and fucked all those guys , and she lied over and over even in MC . It never ended. The seven months would have bed right and nine and more.

It will hurt . But you will get better. Everyone writing to you has been through it and we speak with that knowledge.

You will be free of the knowledge that you are being betrayed on a daily basis and I. The worst way.

Try to stay calm as best as you can. Stay the course and begin to put her out of your life.

Thanks Badhurt. Calming down...a bit.

One thing that helps is that there's not much to second guess. Her concealing the secret back door comm channel to the OM and her resentment that I outed them to OBW confirmed that my concern over her "getting it" was valid.

Even though I didn't out the OM in order to create this situation it did end up providing a good datapoint. I heard words from WW but my gut didn't believe, now I know why.

[This message edited by mhca at 12:32 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

Honestly mhca, I think tapping into your anger right now will help you. Obviously don't let it rule you, but feel it, acknowledge it. It is going to help you detach, and make the really hard decisions. Her feelings are no longer your concern and I really think it is really important that right now you use the time where she is not in your face to make a plan for what you want moving forward, based on yours and the kids needs. Such as who is moving out of the family house, what's the time frame, custody arrangements of the kids etc, so that when you get home you've already thought of what you want and you don't get caught up in the emotional shit storm that she is likely to throw at you, no matter what it is she wants now. Use this time apart from her to get your head around this so you can walk in and calmly say, this is what we are doing... A, b and c. You don't have to be a dick about it, you don't have to be unfair, but do it YOUR way! You have all the higher ground here, use it to help you heal as fast as possible. Her feelings in the matter are inconsequential!

We're here for you mate! Isn't it sad how thousands of strangers can feel your pain yet the one that is supposed to love us the most just doesn't get it!

Thanks RomanticInnocenc. One thing I've done is maintain and read my profile here on SI to myself. It keeps me from rugsweeping on myself and burying my anger. I figured if I came to a point where I could read the story to myself, and at the same time feel that R was plausible, then I might give it a shot.

Obviously that time never came and the pendulum went the other way for good.

You are detaching enough to try to see your situation objectively. See your last post for proof.

Make sure your interests are protected against raids by her. The pig could be raiding the piggy bank you know.

Hang in there mcha. Things are about to get harder now that you are home and in the same room with WW. Concentrate on what needs to be done now for the D. Make a list. Start with the kids and what needs to be done with them. Consult with a lawyer and get the paper work done. Get finances in order. Living arrangements, notifying family members, etc.

I know is sounds overwhelming but concentrate on moving forward and you will find that you will keep detaching.

You have a lot to do mcha. You can do this. Keep going.

One of my favorite Churchill quotes:

If you're going through hell, keep going.

And MrsYop:

The only way out is through.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:43 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

Oh boy, I'm back at work. During my absence there was a massive reorg. My VP is out, I have a new job and a new desk. Could be interesting but it's not exactly a promotion.

WW picked DS15 and me up at the airport last night. Cordial and polite all around. After DS went to bed she cried and I hugged her. There's no denying this is a horrible, sad situation for both of us. She gave me a very apologetic note for everything that had happened.

This morning before I went to work we talked again. We're both sad. She asked if I thought we were doing the right thing. I said that given the circumstances I didn't see any other way. Neither of us like that, but she didn't argue. On a side note she mentioned convincingly that she wanted to have nothing whatsoever to do with OM. When I told her that OBW said he was acting like a philanderer, going out late each night, no doubt hooking up with more ashley madison dates she didn't seem too surprised.

She told me that the text message from OM about his cover being blown was terse and basically said "stay away from me." Apparently they haven't used that channel before so I guess that's the first she's heard from him since April 23.

Before engaging lawyers we're going to chat about what things we can agree on up front. Maybe a list of who gets what for some of the smaller assets, whether she would like to try to keep the house, stuff like that.

Fuck.

Hang in there, and stay strong.

My STBXWW is still not even remorseful. Luckily, I am moving past it. The steps toward splitting assets and moving on are getting me through.

Listen to your gut; it has been faithful to you all the way along.

Fuck indeed.

Just wanted to put in a plug for remembering who she has revealed herself to be.

It doesn't matter if Om was in lurve with her or just using her - it was HER choices and selfishness that lead to all of this.

She's crying and scared because her AP tossed her under the bus and you're not putting up with her deceit anymore. If she had confessed instead of getting caught this might be different. It doesn't matter when or where they used their bat phone - they HAD one and she hid that from you. Now she's afraid of being out in the cold and I'm worried that your compassion is going to get taken advantage of.

You are worthy of a partner that chooses you and treats you with love and respect - not someone who clings to you because they made shitty decisions and need a port in a storm.

Stay strong, mhca.

After DS went to bed she cried and I hugged her. There's no denying this is a horrible, sad situation for both of us. She gave me a very apologetic note for everything that had happened.

This morning before I went to work we talked again. We're both sad. She asked if I thought we were doing the right thing

Gut wrenching to say the least. So very sorry that your family is going through this mcha. Unfortunately, even if Lklb5 was indeed remorseful, there is no way of telling if she was. She has truly left you in a deeper hole with each new dday. Even if there was no contact with OM through this channel, she was not completely honest and inflicted more damage that may be irreparable. Trust is wayyyyyy gone. Her thinking and logic are all messed up.

IMHO, this is more regret that you are seeing. Not true remorse. No empathy. She was caught again. Clearly a sign that she does not get it.

Lklb5, if you read this, I strongly recommend that you start posting your own threads over in the wayward forum. It may be to late for your M, but it's not to late for you to work on yourself and become a safer person for you and for those kids of yours. Hopefully this latest incident was your rock bottom. Prove to YOURSELF that it was and go to work. Put up the stop sign if you need to but do it for yourself. No one is going to question a person for trying to better themselves. I urge you to do it. Show some balls and do something that my own mother was too chickenshit to do her entire life. Face your demons and conquer them. Actions are louder than words. If many of the other WW's here can do it, you can too. The outcome of your M is already done. What do you have to lose?

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:36 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

No wonder she's sad. A few short weeks ago she had two men at her beck and call. Now she has none. If you can agree that for many WW's an A is for the thrill if the chase and attention, she's lost it all. Nobody wants her. Her comments to you were her attempts at fishing. She loves being wanted. Add loss of home and family into the mix and she's rapidly approaching bottom and knows it.

Therefore, be very wary. Detach

MHCA

Understandably a tough time, especially with all the confusion on work also. But lets play a little game here.

Suppose you had NOT told the OM wife. And supposing the message from the OM read something like this:

"I miss you. Let's meet somewhere. I need to see you"

Now ask yourself if you believe you wife would still be crying and telling you she was sorry and ask if you are doing right thing.????? Or would she have told you everything or told him not to contact her anymore. i know what i think on that one, but it is what you think that is important.

She was totally prepared to go to MC with you today with a back channel to the OM in her back pocket to be used whenever she wanted to but you caught her. So sorry for the French, but no fucking wonder she is sorry.!!!

One other thing. If i remember right, and I apologize if i am wrong, but i thought on one of your posts you said there were multiple Ashley Madison men. Well, are you sure if that is the case that there are not more burner phones out there.?????

I suggested this to you before, but i will do it again. The threat of you asking for a LIE DETECTOR TEST AT ANY TIME AND HER AGREEMENT TO DO IT WHENEVER YOU ASK, is the only way after this latest that i could see you giving her another chance without being silly. At the time I suggested it you said you would rather not be in a relationship like that, but her latest secret from you should have changed your thinking.

You are in a very emotional tough place right now.

Don't weaken because you are afraid of being alone, but if you do continue to live together you are ENTITLED to anything from her that you ask, whenever you ask for it, and if she cannot live with that then you will just get more of the same somewhere down the road.

I am so sorry. Sometimes you are just done.

I'm so sorry.