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Mate seriously bail out.

your going nowhere with this one.

Grizzly, that's awful. Just be careful.

From the way you describe it there was no plan to go to lunch you just sort of drove her to these places to torture her. Granted she didn't try to leave. But man you've got to be way more careful than this. That was totally reckless.

I'd recommend you invest in a VAR. Your wife now has the idea planted in her head. If you decide to divorce it will not surprise me one bit if she accuses you of abusing her.

Your anger is about to get the best of you, I know that, been there before about going to the place of past affairs.

Who called your wife on the phone in the first place, the lesbian friend. You might inform the lesbian friend you will consider filing a false police complaint against her.

It is obvious your wife has friends she has been talking to, and this is going to get ugly.

So she took your car and stranded you and your son at this coffee shop, where did your wife go.

I think it best your wife leaves the house at this time.

And you talk to a lawyer tomorrow about this situation.

There is something you need to know that ties everything together. It took me many months to figure this out, so consider it a gift and an accelerated shortcut for you.

You have a core need to be loved and respected.

What you are learning through NMMNG is helping to reinforce that lesson. It is helping you to correct your tendency to love/respect others too much and end up being taken advantage of. It is teaching you that you do matter.

It also applies to your boundaries in marriage. Within the relationship, you need to be loved and respected. Nothing less will do.

As you start looking at reconciliation, it is the fundamental tenet that everything will build upon. Your core need is to see that your wife loves and respects you. Any "requirements" you ask for -- no contact, honesty, transparency, counseling, etc. -- will all point back to that central need.

It applies to the affair and even...

her boyfriend would get cramps in his hands and arms from his work and she would give him a massage 1-2x a week so she could touch him.

My wife is similarly trained. She would rarely touch me because it was "work" and on the occasions she would give me a massage, there would be nothing "inappropriate" (e.g. no physical affection) in the room because it was a necessary "professional boundary". It seems that it wasn't a problem when it was her AP.

SO unloving and disrespectful.

It also applies to what happened yesterday.

It turns out her weirdo divorced lesbian in denial friend... called the cops on me telling them that she was “being held against her will in a coffee shop.”

Um, no. Her friend didn't telepathically learn of your wife's whereabouts and that she was being "abducted." Her friend didn't move the car in the parking lot. Her friend didn't move your wife away from the coffee shop. Your wife did ALL of that. Even if her friend made the call, your wife instigated it. And she did so to threaten and manipulate you so that she could gain control. She has now started a paper trail so that she can claim she feels "unsafe" and can file for exclusive use of the house and bar you from contacting your child because you are "dangerous". This was the height of disrespect and a lack of love.

Your wife not only continues to be unloving and disrespectful, but she is manipulating the police in order to take things to another level. Her excuse about it being her friend's idea and even claiming that she called off the police is, in hindsight, a big lie. This is taking the betrayal forward and you need to be very aware and very careful. Others on this site have been falsely accused and arrested leading to a protection order and being barred from the house and contact with their spouse/kids. Don't become a victim in that game!

1. See an attorney NOW. The police now have a report on you "abducting" your wife and son. You need to know what you can/can't do to counter this. I know it isn't cheap, but it is going to be a lot more expensive if your wife can somehow claim primary custody of your child along the the alimony and child support to go along with it.

2. Ask your attorney what is/isn't allowed to protect yourself from false accusations. Ask about using a VAR (voice activated recorder) and what the laws are in your state.

3. Carry a VAR on you at all times regardless of what the attorney says. You just needed to know whether you can solely use it to remind you what your wife says or if there is any way you could use the information (e.g. in the case of a false accusation from your wife and another police visit). If it is unlawful to use the information, NEVER make it public or indicate to anyone else that you have a VAR (especially telling your wife anything that lets her know where the information came from).

4. Watch out for any opportunity for your wife to claim abuse or threat. The most common scenarios seems to be (1) wrestling over an item (e.g. she grabs your phone) or (2) getting into a situation where you restrain her (e.g. she comes at you). In either case, the claim is made that you grabbed her, that she is afraid, that you are abusive and the cop's only response in that case will be to remove you as a potential threat.

5. Your wife played her hand yesterday. Although she begs you wanting to know what you are going to do and says she wants to work things out, her actions demonstrated differently. Put your shields up, protect yourself, your finances and your child.

I'm so sorry for how this is playing out, but you've come a long way in just 1 day. Keep posting, be careful and be alert.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 6:12 PM, October 26th (Wednesday)]

grizzly

Your WW is now your enemy. She is not sorry.

She is plotting against you.

She showed you who she is with this cop thing.

Her and her friend are conspiring against you.

Please do a hard 180. See yellow box on Left "the Healing Library".

Do not leave the house. She should be the one to leave.

Start making plans to be D. She is not remorseful and is playing you.

BTDT got the T-shirt.

Holy shit. I am so surprised at the comments. Not at ALL what I thought you guys would say. I thought it would be considered a darkly amusing anecdote about some half crazed friend taking things too far. Not an insidious legal plot and pre-planned legal maneuvering against me to take my child and wreck the rest of my life. See my wife as my enemy. Shields up.

This is a whole new depth of depravity. I simply do not think this way. I simply could not do such a thing. I can not imagine that my wife could do that either. I couldn't imagine that she would have such a disgusting affair. But this? Surely not.

I am not doubting your advice. From your words, you have lived through all of this and speak from hard learned experience. I believe you.

My wife has many friends who dislike me and my relationship with her. Especially the divorced lesbian in denial. She also has a close attorney friend who she spends a lot of time with, so what you guys are suggesting is certainly possible.

But I can not fathom it. That is framing your husband. The father of your child. The horrors keep coming don't they?

Your wife must have texted or called the lesbian and told her she was in trouble because she got scared of what you were doing. The lesbian gal must have felt strong about who you are and what you can do to call the cops.

You now have a file started on you "downtown" for domestic disturbance at the least. Kidnapping was I guess the target reason.

You need to get "scortched earth" now. Any of her friends that are not friends of the marriage need to go NOW!!! Anyone in her corner (including her) is the enemy. Yes, it looks like she turned on you yet again. These are not the actions of someone at all that feels remorse.

It should be obvious that any attempt to make her feel remorse like this will end badly, any chance your wife gets, you will be the asshole. Thats what I would think.

But this? Surely not.

I'd love for you to tell us that we were all wrong. But it does happen and it all starts with a call to the police. Once they are involved and a report is filed, it is a totally different game. They now assume that you are aggressive and a potential threat. ANY accusation by her will be assumed to be correct from this point out and a request for an order of protection/restraining order will be granted until a court date can be set.

I saw my SIL (sister in law) do this to her husband. There have been other stories here on SI of similar things happening. Some of the stories are incredibly bad and you don't need any more pain than you've already experienced.

The worst part was after the cops let me go, my wife defended her bitch friend saying “she was only looking out for my safety.”

She had a chance to say "I'm sorry" or "I just freaked out -- that was my fault". She had a chance to show you that you matter and that she wants to try to support your healing. But she didn't -- she chose to defend her friends over you. That tells you something about where her heart and mind are really at.

My wife has many friends who dislike me and my relationship with her.

That is a very interesting statement. Why do they dislike you? And why are there so many of them? From the sound of it, she has been poisoning others against you for quite some time. Having ANY friends who aren't friends of the marriage is not acceptable, but she seems to be surrounded by them and even encouraging it.

That is framing your husband.

Multiple pieces of your story are pointing in that direction. Please use an abundance of caution from this point forward.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 9:10 PM, October 26th (Wednesday)]

The horrors do keep coming . Everyone is giving you excellent advice, your wife is setting the stage , like someone stated earlier she is taking back control.

She is showing the truest version of herself, this is the version you really need to believe. I knew I needed to get out of my house when my WW came home one evening ( during in house separation ) was on the phone with someone ( looking back now more than likely her AP) she had her phone in her hand and said I need you to leave, you scare me. I was sitting there folding the laundry. I never was in her presence in the home after that day. That was my real wife..

PLEASE heed the advice to begin protecting yourself, you do not want to have to defend yourself against a false DV claim.

CDB

Grizzly, I see no gameplan in you, just you spinning your wheels.

You need to take 3 days and just figure out what you want, not yell at the top of the mountain like you are Grizzly Adams. You need to figure out

1) what you want or even if you want this marriage

2) How to protect yourself

3) What you are expecting if you divorce, financially

4) How you can make your wife 'make amends to you" and what she has to prove for you to stay in this

5) You need to mentally heal but anger and indecisiveness is not the answer.

You need to step to the plate and figure these things out

Until you do, you are in for a world of pain and may be setup.

Your wife fucked up. She may still be fucking up. What are you going to do for yourself ?

I dont know if your wife is smart enough to have a pre planned DV stategy. Probably not.

But she sure did ram it up your ass given the opportunity right? She is smart enough to keep a 9 month long affair going under your nose. But you and I know that it doesnt take smarts on their part, just a person (in us) able to be walked on and a "believer" that true love is all it takes and that we will be rewarded. That the treasure we seek is before us because of OUR actions. And we deserve that our wives return our love.

Like Clint Eastwood said in The Unforgiven, "Deserve's got nothing to do with it."

I am so freaking Sorry you are here.

I think the light is green and you are over your target drop zone.

She has some big hurdles to overcome.

1. She absolutely has to get rid of the friends who are not friends of the marriage. non-negotiable. I don't think she will do it.

2. She needs to make effort to get into IC. Doubt it though. she likes her comfy life.

3. She needs to get a job. Unlikely. She is too comfortable and entitled and you are her slave.

4. Get her to write timeline of her affair. she won't because she is afraid you will use it against her.

Your desire to see where she #@%$ the OM is normal, particularly early in the ordeal. You need to know what she thought of the locations and what she thinks now. I think you could see what she was thinking now. Better blow your world up than to apologize to you. That is her game plan. She has shown her colors and they are dark. NEVER REVEAL YOUR PLANS TO HER. KEEP CONTROL.

1. You need VAR ASAP at all times. Protect yourself. Don't tell her.

2. Get pocket video recorder to protect you. She can give herself a black eye when you are home, call the police and off you go to jail. Say bye-bye to your child and custody and business. if she hits you, make sure the camera sees it. do not restrain her hands unless she has a weapon and then better run.

3. Have her move out of bedroom if not the house. You should never move out of house unless advised by your lawyer.

4. No yelling, name calling by you. demand it from her also. Nothing that she can record and use to make a case that she feels threatened.

5. 180 now.

6. Lawyer up, buckle up, and "enjoy the ride." She is out of the marriage right now. Not sure she will come back. She doesn't sound like it. You are young enough to recover from a crazy spouse. Think about it.

7. Look and ask for gifts he gave her.

8. Do not erase any evidence ever.

Never underestimate the negative influence of toxic friends or toxic relatives in these situations, especially those that have a history of not liking you. These people will give your WW a crash course on what the law entitles her to, and suggestions on how to work the system to her advantage and to your detriment, however unethical or untruthful those suggestions may be. Greed and entitlement can kick in VERY quickly.

Grizzly: I didn't think my xh capable of the hurt he dumped on me, either. But, he did it. Over and Over and Over. Because I allowed it, Over and Over and Over (during that time, I thought we were reconciling; I was VERY wrong). She doesn't respect you because she doesn't respect herself. You would like to think she won't connive, plan behind your back, set you up for a DV charge, be willing to rip your son from you. But, you CANNOT think that; she has shown who she is. You have received such relevant advice here. LISTEN to it. If she can screw another man for 9 months, she will think nothing of setting you up. If she's blabbing to her friends about her version of what's going on, she's getting advice from them to protect her status: home, custody of son, spousal support. If she's desperate, she'll do whatever it takes to do exactly that. Right now, you cannot trust her at all and you sure can't believe one word she says. Protect yourself.

Right now this all seems like it's the end of the world; it isn't. It's just the end of your world as you knew it. You didn't know your real world, you only knew your perception of it and that perception surely didn't include your wife screwing someone else. Of course, infidelity wasn't in your plans. BUT, now it has presented itself and you are stuck dealing with it. But, at least this time you - YOU - get to choose. D or R. I will say, when now-xh was having an inappropriate 'friendship' early on in our M, had I known then what I know now, I would NEVER have risked another go-round with the infidelity circus. It simply hurts too much.

Whatever you decide, D or R, time will ease a great deal of the agony you're experiencing now. There IS life after infidelity. (((( ))))

Grizzly,

I know at first look, from someone NOT experienced in the world of infidelity, that these responses may look like a bunch of conspiracy theorists(all donning their tin foil hats) coming up with ways that we are being slighted. But the sad truth is this happens more often than you would think.

Like you, I am/was not wired for this type of thinking. Until you see it over and over.

Was this a big set-up by your wife? I couldn't tell you from the information given. But you need to ask yourself why your wife moved your car, and what she said to her friend.

After you get your wife's explanation, go with her to get a copy of the police report. Look at it from both sides of the spectrum---the friend who called the police, and then from the theory of the members here. See which one makes more sense. Ask yourself WHY would the police be called, as that is a serious action. Has this friend ever done anything malicious to you before? Was she implicit in your wife's affair?

The important thing, right now, is to get your wife's version of what she told the police---and then see if the police report matches this.

There is more to this story that just a 'comical' misunderstanding amongst friends.

I thought it would be considered a darkly amusing anecdote about some half crazed friend taking things too far. Not an insidious legal plot and pre-planned legal maneuvering against me to take my child and wreck the rest of my life. See my wife as my enemy. Shields up.

It's not unheard of that women will claim to feel afraid and seek legal protections in order to beef up their case in divorce proceedings. That said, there's no reason to believe that's what is happening here.

I'll be frank with you... What you did was reckless and controlling. And I can see how it would be frightening as well.

Small anecdote.. About 15 years or so ago, I had caught my fWH engaging in cheating online; sexting, cyber, phone contact, etc., nothing in person that I know of anyway. I went to an attorney, called him at work and told him I wanted a divorce. He came rocketing home. And even though he said NOTHING threatening and was instead quite remorseful and pleading, I kept myself near a door with my car keys in my hand. I have known him since he was 18 years-old and there's not a violent bone in his body. But in those moments of confrontation, I was afraid of him.

Men have twenty-times the amount of testosterone as women do. Testosterone doesn't just make you more masculine on the outside, it makes you more masculine on the inside as well. It makes you bolder, less subject to nervousness and anxiety, less subject to fear.

So yeah, this could be another in a long string of betrayals and manipulations. But it could also be a fight/flight reaction to a situation that took her by surprise. It's too early to tell for sure.

I would definitely get with an attorney on this. It's unfortunate, but now you do have a record of domestic disturbance on your paper trail. Find out what the laws in your state are in regard to using a VAR. Find out what a divorce settlement might look like and whether adultery is a factor in suing on grounds. In some states, it still is (and continuing cohabitation can be viewed as tacit forgiveness which can remove it as a factor in settlement).

After that stunt, you might consider just going ahead and filing. You can always drop the divorce if you change your mind, but quite frankly, there's nothing that wakes a WS faster than getting served.

I'm sorry all this has happened to you Grizzly. Hell, I'm sorry it happened to me and to all of us here. But you're going to have to get your head in the game and not allow your emotions to drive your actions. You still have a little child to think about.

Grizzly IMO I think you need to bail as well...

File for divorce and freeze assets...Then watch her....Filing doesn't mean you are obligated to the attorneys to follow through..

If you are the one who needs to leave, have the law be on your side by petitioning for exclusive use of the home..

By having it established that you can't live with your WW without somebody ending up with his or her head ripped off, you can be the one who moves (if you are denied exclusive use of the home) without losing financial interest in the marital home..

Otherwise you may not be able to say a word or carry out daily life in your own home without a voice activated recorder...

This VAR would need to be turned on and hidden somewhere in your pocket or under your shirt..VAR, IMO, is the easiest way to make a hard copy, a word for word transcript of what is said each and every time your WW decides to stir up shit..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:29 AM, October 27th (Thursday)]

there's nothing that wakes a WS faster than getting served.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Quite honestly, if that is what it took to wake up my WH, I wouldn't want him back..

I wouldn't want my spouse to feel coerced into staying married to me or else face financial hardship..

When I get to the point of officially filing, and having the WH served, I will mean business...There will be no going back for me...

That is why I sit here in an in house separation...I am getting my ducks in a row...

I am fortunate that I have some leverage ..This leverage helps to keep the WH from doing things to continually piss me off..Instead when we are both home, the WH avoids me... I avoid him too.. We don't engage or enrage each other...In my case I don't find it necessary to keep a VAR on me to record our every breath..

The WH will shoot himself in the foot , he will face losing access to decent medical care insurance at an affordable price should he force my hand in any way..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:49 AM, October 27th (Thursday)]

Never underestimate the negative influence of toxic friends or toxic relatives in these situations, especially those that have a history of not liking you. These people will give your WW a crash course on what the law entitles her to, and suggestions on how to work the system to her advantage and to your detriment, however unethical or untruthful those suggestions may be. Greed and entitlement can kick in VERY quickly.

I agree

Griz, if you do stay this toxic friend must go

did this friend know about the affair before you?