SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And you're right...

This is a divorce because my wife is a selfish narcissist who gets to enjoy life while I pick up the pieces!!!!! While I deal with all of the suffering!

She actually tried to manipulate me into working a deal out with the kids...

And she told me she felt betrayed because she couldn't believe I was capable of doing this... trying to destroy her life or whatever!!! I haven't even done anything!!

She felt betrayed????????? Sick!!!

She didn't think I was capable of this?????????

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would advise the OBS (other betrayed spouse) not to go after their job. I did that in my situation. I was fairly confident that a divorce was imminent and I knew it would affect me, and my kids, adversely if it happened.

Revenge was on my mind and I wanted it so bad, but you both will have to think of the big picture. If they are unemployed, then your child support or spousal support payments will be far higher.

BEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk to the wife!! The guy is a POS!! Second affair at work and there others too!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by br549 at 1:22 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

So he's a serial cheater. And hasn't left his wife. He will throw your wife under the bus,she will realize she's not special..just easy, and she will try to return to the marriage. Be prepared.

Hmmm. The disgusting thing she's going to tell your wife? It sounds like he gave his wife an std, and she's about to tell your wife. Make sure you get tested.

Thank you for informing the OBS. It was the right thing to do.

sue the bastard. Let your pos wife face the consequences. Do not take her back. File emergency case for her abandoning kids. Finally you got out of your naiveness and rug sweeping. Your wife has no morals to fall for a player

[This message edited by goalong at 10:04 PM, March 31st (Friday)]

I'm so glad you told the OBS. Now get ready for the blame game. Your WW is going to want to blame you for whatever OBS tells her. Now is the time for the 180. Remember you telling the OBS is not what caused the s-storm that is about to hit your WW. Her having an Affair with a married man with kids is what caused it. If you do not already have a VAR this is the time to get one and have it on you when you and your WW talk. Keep text/emails/phone calls to just kids and finances.

Don't write/call/text your WW to tell her what the OBS told you. She wont believe you (your just lying to get her back). Not your monkey not your circus. Let the OBS explain what a winner your WW chose over her family.

There is a small chance(very small) that this will knock her out of her fantasy fog and she will say she wants to come home. If you truly want to reconcile you will tell her NO. You can give her a long list of the things you would need to make her a safe partner but not just take her back. You are not her plan B. If she wants the family back she needs to work for it. I agree with the previous poster that she probably got an STD from OM. Please get tested and stay away from WW until she has been tested too. This most likely won't happen immediately but if it does be ready. You don't want this version of your WW back. You want a remorseful version.

Most likely she is going to lash out at you for telling. Please do the 180 and distance yourself from this mess she has made. You are not her punching bag nor are you her confident, counselor, protector... she fired you from that job.

You saw how telling the OBS worked. Now do a hard 180.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:36 AM, April 1st (Saturday)]

bump

Update:

My wife and I got into a text battle. I think she was losing it. Something must have happened like maybe the guy told her for certain he is done or something. She was also talking about bankruptcy and stuff. Basically saying that she has lost everything and was asking me if I was happy. Raging against me.

I told her that the boys and I are the victims. That she is responsible for this. Eventually, I told her she has turned into her father. That she has done all of the bad and created a fantasy world in her head to blame everyone else.

A little bit later she asked to talk to me today about "Us" and our "Marriage".

I said yes but I'm a little worried about it being a trap. I will be cautious.

Before this talk you have to think about what you want. Do you want to stay married to her or not? You don't have to know that answer right now and you definitely don't have to give her any kind of answer if she asks. You also don't have to rush to divorce. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

I feel like this will probably be some manipulation for her to get something she wants...

But, if she does want to come back, there would be one thing that would be an absolute must. I would require a Post Nup that would give me custody of the kids if she tried to divorce me.

Not going to let her trick me into taking her back and reconciling and then divorcing me when I would not have the advantages I do now...

[This message edited by br549 at 7:29 AM, April 7th (Friday)]

It's definitely prudent to protect yourself and the kids. I think you need to run all the "what if..." scenarios you can think of through your head, maybe even take notes, and figure out your strategy. The most important thing here, however, is what YOU want, not what she wants. Cheaters forfeit that privilege.

You're in a difficult spot. If she wants the marriage, you're going to wonder if that's only because her new thing blew up in her face. You're a nice safe plan B to fall back on. Her safety net. If you allowed yourself to be that she'll never respect you ever again. Nobody respects a doormat.

A post-nup is a great idea. If she's being honest then that shouldn't scare her one bit. If she's got ulterior motives or thinks she'll do this again sometime then she'll get defensive about that and be totally against it.

Be firm, be strong, but don't be a jerk. I know it's a fine line. No angry outbursts, no crying, no name-calling. If there is truly a path for her back into the marriage, and eventually your heart, then show her that path but have the rules already thought out, chiseled in stone, and make sure she realizes they're absolutely non-negotiable.

I hate to say this but the path to reconciliation, if that's what you want, can't include punishments or shaming for her. That sucks, I know, but attempts at R that include punishment and shaming of the WS never work. They always end up in D.

Now, if D is your choice then forget all this and go as scorched earth as you like.

Again, this is all your choice. She had a choice too and she chose to cheat. She has no say over what you do now.

We've seen it a hundred times. This could be a "trap".

BRING A VOICE ACTIVATED RECORDER WITH YOU.

How many times we've seen these meetings turn into a domestic violence charge is startling.

1- recorder

2- public place, no kids, no alcohol.

Well done br. Looks like you have spoilt her affair. You have filed for divorce. If I were you I wouldn't stop preceedings. If she demonstrates remorse and a genuine desire to reconcile then you can always cancel. If not you can tell her you are divorcing, however, you can always marry each other again in the future if it feels right.

If she quits her job then it's a good sign. I would be reluctant to tell her what you want her to do. Suggest to her some reading material. If she reads it then its a good sign. If she doesn't then she is just using you.

Also you could keep spying on her but you have filed and exposed now. If she is REAL then she will offer up transparency. She should also confess to close family and friends, they can keep her on the straight and narrow. Any toxic affair supporters will have to go.

Her words are worthless just now. Her actions are all you can go on.

[This message edited by Smillie at 8:03 AM, April 7th (Friday)]

I feel like this will probably be some manipulation for her to get something she wants...

Trust your gut. Please, please, please have a VAR on you prior to your talk. I can't count the amount of WW that have called in a fake DV and gotten the kids, house and everything while the BS sits and pays for a hotel until they can sort things out in court. It's also good so you can hash out what was said later.

I doubt she is going to go from name calling anger to signing a prenup in a day. If I were you I'd start with a list of requirements - N/C, total transparency, IC, Timeline... but not promise to reconcile. I would not stop the divorce process but keep moving forward. You can bring up the prenup but talk to your lawyer about it too. Do not let her move back into the house until she EARNS your trust back. Showing you the results of an STD test would be on the top of that list (my guess that, that is what OBS had to talk to her about).

Were you surprised by the bankruptcy talk? Do you think this had to do with what your financial state will be after divorce or has she been taking money out of the accounts?

This might not be an I want to save the marriage talk, be prepared. Let her do most of the talking and you do the listening. VAR, VAR,VAR Try not to show emotion and don't promise her anything. Use phrases like... " I'm sorry you feel that way" to avoid blame shifting. You can take ownership of 50% of the problems in the marriage but the Affair is 100% on her.

Good luck (and have a VAR on you)

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:12 AM, April 7th (Friday)]

He's a serial cheater, and there's something awful his wife couldn't share with you, but could share with your WW?!?!

Obviously STD's are a distinct possibility, it's almost implied, so be very smart!

Knowing what you now know about your W why on earth would you take her back? The person you married, or the person you thought you married, is not this current person and never will be again given what has occurred.

I'd think long and hard about what you get out of R before you even consider talking to her about it. You have your Get Out of Jail Free card in-hand right now, and if I were you I would use it to end this M on very favorable terms for yourself.

Be super careful that you are not Plan B.

She has to OWN all of her shitty choices. All of them. NO blameshifting. No "poor me." She has to deeply understand how effed up she is for even considering doing what she did, let alone walking out on her kids. If she wants to reconcile it has to be because she loves you, respects you and is HORRIFIED by what she did.

She has to understand that reconciliation takes YEARS and hard work. She has to understand that you do not trust her and may never fully trust her again.

YOU hold the cards now. You have what she wants. And you do NOT have to give her an answer today, tomorrow or next week.

Do NOT be plan B.

Knowing what you now know about your W why on earth would you take her back? The person you married, or the person you thought you married, is not this current person and never will be again given what has occurred.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This!

Seriously, why take her back, just because the selfish options she lined up for herself have collapsed? What in her recent actions recommends her as someone to spend the rest of your life with?

Sorry, I know reconciliation is something of an ongoing aim in the forum, but how bad does someone's behaviour have to be before they rule themselves out of the frame for reconciliation?

Well, we had a good meeting. I actually had hope. It seemed almost like old times. She seemed reasonable. We agreed to go to counseling and she said she would like to work on coming home. I told her I wanted her to.

But, I told her I had some requirements one being a post nuptial. I also put some other ones down that weren't really contractual but just things I would like to see. It didn't go over too well.

The next day we actually met to spend time together with our boys. All we did was fight the whole time it seemed. She actually told me that I was ruining her life... Me. I'm ruing her life??

So, going into the week she started treating me like she had before. Like I'm the bad guy. Like she was the victim.

Finally, today I just couldn't take it anymore. I am tired of her acting like the victim. Her telling me that I ruined her life. She takes no responsibility. Everything is still all about her. Like I need to prove something to her. I hadn't been doing the 180 like I was before the talk. So, I put the 180 back on today because it's ridiculous how she is acting. And, how I was acting for that matter.

She betrayed me and my boys for over a year. I moved away from my home of over 38 years. I am down here by myself. She is trying to take my kids away from me even if it's for just 50% of the time. To me, that is the worst betrayal and worst thing. Trying to take my boys. And, I can't understand how she is capable of sacrificing her kids to be with this man. It's disgusting to me. Yet, I am ruining her life??

On top of blaming me for ruining her life, she wont' admit the truth about why she left. I know she left for this guy. I have a very very very reliable source who told me that she didn't want to reconcile because she wanted to pursue this man. A man with 3 kids and a wife that didnt' work.

The night she said she wanted to talk to me about "us" she was having a breakdown. I'm pretty sure her buddy must have ended it at least recently.

I know you guys think I'm crazy but I do want my old wife back. This isn't her. She is possessed, but I now realize I'm not going to take this new woman back. If that's who she is, it is time to move on. If the old one comes back, then hopefully we can heal this family.

[This message edited by br549 at 1:25 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

It always amazes me when someone can show you who they are, repeatedly, yet you choose not to believe it.

This is who she is. It is a part of her as surely as the sweet wife you used to have.

Please...PLEASE...believe her. Let this one go.