SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So do you have an issue with me posting this stayedforthekids because I am wayward?

My reason for posting this has less to do with infidelity and more to do with the fact that we are not married to ourselves, we are married to another person and so we each experience something different in the marriage than the other person.

For instance, we have recently discovered my husband is on the low end of the spectrum. This is information that would have helped me and our marriage oh about 30 yrs ago. It would have helped me to know how to deal and help him. And how to help myself. Has my husband had to deal with that on his end of our marriage? No. I have struggled trying to figure out why I have a spouse that wants no emotional connection for 30 years.He isn't in the same marriage that I am. Not even close. That is what I am talking about. And I was the BS in our marriage for 18 yrs before I was the wayward. I have no problem raising my hand and saying I made a fucked up choice and it was wrong. It was the worst choice of my life. For me. Because it betrayed me. And I won't ever hurt myself like that again. Or my husband.

Never mind my last response. I assumed you were not a cheater. I really have nothing to offer two cheaters in the same M. I guess, good luck?

Yes, I didn't take this post as having anything to do with infidelity. I've never, not one time in 7 years, blamed my spouse or my marriage for why I chose to cheat. But I will always say that our perceptions of this marriage are drastically different and always have been. There are things that I think are great and those same things bug my husband. There are things I think are huge problems that he thinks are just fine and dandy. None of those perceptions have anything to do with the price of tea in China, and nor do they have anything to do with infidelity.

Cincy,

I don't need luck.

We have worked our asses off and we have a good marriage. Thank you.

Thank you DF, exactly.

[This message edited by tired girl at 9:09 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

That's awesome, I'm glad it worked out for you. Too much divorce in the world.

As for that statement, however, it's valid.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 9:19 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

Metaphor.

For example, the 'same M' statement can shock somebody into examining himself and his relationship in a new light. It can shock somebody out of co-dependence. But I agree totally with w_a_l on this:

It's good to pull these sorts of platitudes out periodically and critically examine them. They can be useful because they boil down a ton of wisdom into an easily accessed reference. But when they're used as platitudes, they just become excuses for not thinking deeply about our own experiences and roles.

I agree as well sisoon.

I guess I'm just surprised that the consensus on this thread is that the OP is somehow making excuses for ws behavior.

Try to have a conversation 7 years out from a Dday and everyone is all "but omg you're a ws". Get a grip. It's not always about infidelity.

To those who say infidelity is the worst, where did you find the pain chart? I guarantee you, for every person howling about their pain over infidelity, there is a person with a medical condition that has been neglected for years by their spouse and to them, THAT is the worst. For a host of reasons of their own. Infidelity is the worst to you. But a person's pain is a person's pain. And nobody gets to negate another person's pain. Those who do are selfish scorekeepers. Pain can have a way of making one narcissistic.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 10:01 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

I guess I'm just surprised that the consensus on this thread is that the OP is somehow making excuses for ws behavior.

I am yet I am not. That WS label colors everything, IMO.

You people are really pickin' fly shit outta pepper.

Cause you know I am always trying to make excuses!

I wasn't even talking about so much in light of infidelity as much as just marriage in general. But I guess we always have to go to this place of ws vs. bs. Kind of sucks.

What does it mean to me when I say "I'm married"?

What did it mean to my WW when she says, "I'm married"?

I promise you, it is not the the same level of love, or emotional intimacy going both ways.

All those things I fell in love with and wanted in a marriage and from her, were only a general outline to her, and optional at any given time if the opportunity arose.

I can only find that either I was overly optimistic about what a marriage consisted of, or my WW is incapable of such devotion, for whatever reason in her past or upbringing; or she simply didn't understand the question; or she understood her commitment and chose to ignore it.

sorry duplicate

[This message edited by twisted at 10:26 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

" the consensus on this thread is that the OP is somehow making excuses for ws behavior."

I'm not seeing this at all.

I think people are seeing it because many of the responses MADE it about infidelity and what tg's statement has to do with cheating. The very first response on the thread mentions breaking vows.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 10:54 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

So do you have an issue with me posting this stayedforthekids because I am wayward?

Yes (but see below). I'll also be the first to admit I'm probably projecting experiences from my infidelity shitshow onto you WSes here. That's pretty much the same dynamic you're speaking about in your posts in this thread. We all have our own perspective. I understand your statement.

It just seems sanctimonious and blame-shifty coming from a cheater. As a BS, I get to enjoy the privilege of sitting on my moral high horse and condescending to all of the fucking cheaters.

And I was the BS in our marriage for 18 yrs before I was the wayward.

I did not know that about you tired girl. I always assumed it was the other way around (more projecting). That changes things somewhat in my mind and I can't really condescend to you anymore I can understand RAs though. I'm not saying they are right, I just can understand how they happen. I've been on the edge of that myself. I'm dealing with the internal battle of a friendship crossing the blurry lines into an EA right now. I'm far from perfect. Infidelity opened pandora's box in our M.

And that's the damn problem. Damn near everything does become about infidelity post d day for the BS Aubrie. I could swat you a few times with my sanctimonious BH 2x4 for that last paragraph in you post Aubrie, but I just don't feel like having an "internet" battle today.

Oh Aubrie,

I know you are FWW, but you'll hopefully never know the true feelings behind a Dday from a BS' perspective. I endured over a decade of emotional abuse from my WH, my mother's descent into alcoholism (nothing like dragging a 200lb woman out of a car, across a gravel driveway and over a footbridge into a house at 26wks pregnant because she is too drunk to do it herself), being heavily bullied for 10 years in childhood...

None of it has caused even remotely close to this kind of pain. You just have no fucking clue what it does to you. And you just can't know.

[This message edited by tessthemess at 11:46 AM, June 22nd (Thursday)]

Mine was not a RA, and I do not believe in those any way. An A is an A. If you have to label mine, it was an exit A.

I had many DD. The pain of my childhood completely eclipses that, and my brother's suicide. I would go through a lifetime of DD to have never lived through those things.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 12:33 PM, June 22nd (Thursday)]