SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

His neighbor definitely has a 100% firm understanding of Bro Code

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. I’m getting through the days focusing on my kids, work and going to the gym. I thanked my retired neighbor for telling me about Dan. He was sorry to hear that his suspicions were true. He’s always been like an uncle to me and he and his wife have babysat my kids over the years. He’s shocked that my wife cheated and thinks I should divorce her. I told him I wasn’t going to rush a decision, but I am leaning to divorce.

My wife is pleading to come home. I coldly told her that her nagging and pleading is pathetic and not helping the situation. I talked to both her parents today, they’re disgusted with her but hope there’s a chance I will forgive her for our kids’ sake. I told them I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’ve also told my family, they’re shocked. They thought we had a good marriage.

I have a ton of questions, but the answers aren’t going to matter. Cheating is cheating...whether she fucked him once or one hundred times, it happened.

Sorry for not being clear in my first post, she’s not a stay-at-home mom. She was a full-time nurse and has been a per diem nurse usually just working Saturday or Sunday. She had planned to go back to full-time once the kids are a little older. She can support herself, there’s no reason for her to get a penny of alimony from me.

She can support herself, there’s no reason for her to get a penny of alimony from me.

Good.

Stay strong.

Keep her at a distance.

So sorry to hear this happened to you. I am amazed to this day on why people working in the medical field always seem more likely to cheat.!!! There are examples and examples of it throughout SI and other sites.

Hope POS's wife is really angry with him. It is possible POS must have sensed your WW is up for the picking. If that is the case you need to consider whether she is safe in case you want to R

I want to believe this isn’t his first time cheating. I don’t know much about their relationship, but everything seemed okay between them when we’ve had them over.

I haven’t seen his wife and not sure if she’s still traveling, but I want to talk to her in person.

Good idea. You may get more insight and info.

Cheaters lie a lot

Did you tell her to start applying for full time jobs? She needs to now or you will be paying alimony.

If you don’t want her back in the house, contact a lawyer. Right now she could come back and nothing you could do about it.

I'd imagine the OBS (other betrayed spouse) is just as shocked as you are. Let her know that you're available to talk if she wants to and leave it at that. When and if she's ready to talk to you or has questions, she'll reach out.

You probably know this, but your house is forever tainted. Whether you D or no, you need to think about selling. May as well start now.

You can never trust her if he is still living close. Even if she wants R, having him around is a recipe for a train wreck.

I hope you do get a chance to talk to his wife. I am sure she needs someone to talk to about this. I cannot imagine getting that by email but I would want to know no matter how I received the information.

I am sorry you're going through this. I am sorry all of us are going through this. I hope you are doing well.

I have a ton of questions, but the answers aren’t going to matter. Cheating is cheating...whether she fucked him once or one hundred times, it happened.

Other than knowing if this was her first affiar, what could she tell you that your own eyes did not?

Welcome friend. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

Rarely do we find a newly betrayed spouse who is doing all the right things from the get go. You sir, are an inspiration into taking action. Kudos brother.

Follow your attorney's advice to the letter. Some of the advice may not make logical sense, but if they have your best interest in mind, they are protecting you and your children.

Find the best way to meet with the other betrayed spouse. It is possible she did get the email, but I would want to be sure. Keep it simple with her. Share what you know. Leave it at that.

Take your time to decide what you want and need. If this is a deal-breaker for you, then move swiftly. Should you decide to change your mind, then you have that option at any time. You are in control.

Keep your conversations with her at a minimum. Finances and children are all you need to discuss with her at this time. Keep it at that. If you can get her to text even better as this is a track record of your conversations. No response to anything other than children and finances.

I might also suggest you cut off communications with her family. Blood is thicker than water. Don't be surprised that they turn on you. Cut them out now unless it deals with the grand children. Your marriage is off limits moving forward.

Eat. Sleep. Drink plenty of water. Avoid alcohol. Exercise. Remember to H.A.L.T. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired.

You will survive this. You will be all right.

Ramius, I think he would naturally have a lot of questions. Pretty much every BS does, whether or not it makes any difference in the decision for R or D.

As for selling the house, don't rush in that either. My XWW definitely brought more than one of her AP's into my house and in my bed. But my kids loved living there, and it wasn't financially viable for me to sell either, so I stayed and I have no regrets at all. For me, once the marriage was over, I didn't care about what she did there. You may or may not be able to do the same thing. Seeing it live may make a difference, but maybe not. Let yourself figure that one out.

I do have lots of questions, but knowing more isn’t going to change how I feel.

I told her this morning that she needs to work enough to support herself, I know she can easily do it. She works one day a week, she only needs to work two more. She started to make excuses about the kids, etc. I told her it’s not negotiable. If she’s expecting a second chance, she needs to be able to provide for herself. I told her I need scanned proof of her pay stub to know she’s putting in the extra hours.

I don’t want to sell this house. The neighborhood is good, the school district is great, my commute to work is really short, and most importantly, my kids are happy here.

I don’t want to sell this house. The neighborhood is good, the school district is great, my commute to work is really short, and most importantly, my kids are happy here.

That's the most difficult part. My wife also used our house to host her affair. Not with the neighbor but with a co-worker. Every-time I even walk past the spare bedroom I get triggered thinking about what they did in that room. I haven't "reclaimed" that room yet. I told her to just get rid of the bed and that we are selling the house. We have only been here for 3 years and it's in a nice neighborhood and has a pool and everything she wanted. None of that matters to me because living there is making me crazy. My neighbor also saw my wife bring her AP home during lunch breaks so I can't live knowing that even the neighbors knew this was happening.

Dan,

I am sorry you are here but you are in good company and please use the advise that works for you!

Our situations are not unsimilar at all, so I will add the following: use it as you see fit.

I too thought my house was tainted as she brought the neighbor here. I was already looking for new houses within 30 days. For me, it clicked. The house (I can't yet call it a home) isn't tainted, as I refuse to give the two of them the power. I refuse to up root my children and lose the dream home I built for us. I will not lie and say there aren't difficult moments when my mind wanders as I walk up the steps or go down the hall, etc. but I redirect too my statement above. I made her spend her bonus to redecorate floor to ceiling her love den. I'm probably a tad vindictive as I enjoy seeing them both squirm as we are out and about in the neighborhood and run into "him". He's a coward and I love to see him scurry off when he sees me coming with my head held high. She gets the benefit of me saying "there's your boyfriend" as well. The greatest revenge I get is staying put, holding myself high with my integrity and reclaiming what they so casually tried to destroy.

Keep your chin up, you did nothing wrong. You unfortunately have to deal with the mess two broken and selfish people made. It's not fair but it is what it is.

You'll go through bouts of emotions for a long time and you'll waffle on divorce and reconciliation. I threw her out three times saying it was over and was going to walk her to his front door. Unfortunately for her, he threw her under the bus immediately.

Hang in there, your doing the right things.

Take comfort that is is NOT your fault and we're all here for you.

I don’t want to sell this house. The neighborhood is good, the school district is great, my commute to work is really short, and most importantly, my kids are happy here.

That part of it does come into play. The infidelity, which we all think is automatic divorce, isn't as clear cut, when you factor in the reality of selling a house, screwing up the kids ( and it does), re-arranging you budgets and retirement plans, splitting up the savings and possessions, etc.

I got to the point that I didn't think it was worth splittin. Living with a woman that I will now always have some level a resentment for, just to keep the family in normal mode. I don't regret that part, then again, I probably would have been happily remarried to a woman that appreciates me by now.

You will always second guess your decision years from now. All I can say is that if she is the least bit hesitant, unremorseful, or uncooperative, walk away early instead of later.

Good luck, bro.

I don’t want to sell this house. The neighborhood is good, the school district is great, my commute to work is really short, and most importantly, my kids are happy here.

How are you going to drive to work without being triggered everytime you drive by OM house? For that matter if you eventually plan to R how will you enforce NC? I don't see how you can possibly stay there...whether you D or R. You've got a lot to think about.

I agree with marriagesucks.

If you decide to R, you won't rest easy with Dan right there. Constant reminders.

Unless Dan's wife dumps his scuzzy ass and they sell the house