SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Fender- I suggest you tell your iwife what you eloquently stated here. She needs to start making you sexually feel desired end of story.

I know my comments carry less weight here because I became an MH, and I ended in divorce. But many of not all posters here, particularly musicandwine, understand the devastating nature of how monotony in a marriage that has lost its initial fireworks and settled into routine, turned wild sex for an AP is an absolute death blow to a mans ego. Logically, we didn’t do anything wrong, in fact we were good husbands. but emotionally, it sparks a feeling of rage and humiliation. Remorseful WW understand this, and as Mrs walloped and Pinkpggy have pointed out, go to great lengths to re affirm their BH sense of male pride, sexual disrablilty, and confidences through sex, as did my wife.

But the feelings of loss to an OM, makes us question our strength and competence as men, and sometimes lash out accordingly. I realize now that how I reacted in the spirit of pure vengeance and domination were coping methods for my battered ego. I’d like to imagine that while people may judge me for doing it, they understand where the impetus came from.

Fender, please tell your wife these thoughts you have expressed here, and kindly but firmly let her know what’s you want and need to heal. It’s normal.

I hope you

[This message edited by nicenomore at 7:23 PM, February 12th (Monday)]

I have leveled out emotionally after the massive triggers I had this weekend due to this thread. I'm glad it happened, it was a real eye opener for me. Date night really helped me find my center, as did all of you. We didn't discuss triggers or the A at all.

My WW also has a hard time accepting my compliments... I do as well from her. After our kids were born, I was the one who put on the weight. My wife bounced back from childbirth quickly both times. I can honestly say that she looks better now at 34 then she did at 20 when we started dating. I think nothing of the stretch marks, or anything sagging or whatever. I simply don't notice it, or register it. I truly find her to be beautiful, inside and out (despite the A). I guess those compliments mean more coming from people other than your spouse.

Tonight, we have scheduled sex. 1st day since the end of that time of the month. I'm not really sure how to bring up the subject of her lack of sexual enthusiasm. I probably won't tonight. How does one bring that conversation up?

I must say, I like this thread. We have a good balance of WS and BS, and everybody is being polite and helpful. Bouncing thoughts and ideas off the "other side", so to speak.

FENDER- sometimes the direct approach is just the way to go.

“Honey- I am trying to make peace with what has happened to us, and what you have done to me. But there is something holding me back that you need to hear, and be crystal clear on. I’m still here because I love you, but I can’t help but feel utterly hurt and humiliated that prior to your affair, our sex life felt forced on you, and lacked any enthusiasm towards me from you. You were happy to get riled up for your AP, and now that we are trying To reconcile, it feels to me as if we are going back to the same bland routine we were in prior to the A. I need you to show me that sexually you will treat me like the Mann that you love and pine for. Show me what you think of me, otherwise my thoughts lead me down a painful path. This is what’s you promised to me after DDay, and I never expect that to be reneged on. I imagine that there are women in this world that that would see me like this his, but I want that woman to be you. It’s my hope you understand this entirely, or R will never work.”

[This message edited by nicenomore at 7:59 PM, February 12th (Monday)]

nicenomore, your input is definitely welcomed despite your status as a "MH". MH's get too much shit around here. Nobody on this board is a perfect spouse, including me. I simply don't have it in me to cheat on my W. To say I haven't considered a RA would be a lie. Especially since I lost weight, I've had opportunities to do so.

A couple weeks ago, 2 different nights, I was pursued by both a 45 year old woman, and a 25 year old woman. I am almost 37 myself. I did nothing to lead these women on, they both knew I was married. I have a very outgoing, extroverted personality that can be misconstrued as flirtatious. It's something I'm not always aware of, and I try to watch myself. I got to thinking, "man, mid 30s are the perfect time to be a single man on the prowl. My dating range would basically be 25-45." I have no intentions of cheating, and as soon as I realized both of these women were interested, I withdrew myself and have NC. But I gotta say, knowing that I have options is flattering... but kinda scary, too!

People say I need to find a woman who is willing to give me the sex life I deserve. Not so simple. I do love my wife. She's the mother of my kids... I owe it to them to try R. We also have a complex financial situation that would difficult and costly to unravel. That's not any reason to stay, but it would be a pain.

Fender- apologies, I wasn’t implying you should go get some. Of course t feels good to be desired, especially after dday.i wouldn’t necessarily advocate doing what I did. What I meant was gently remind your wife that someone will find you desirable, but you want it to be her. So she’s doesn’t get too comfortable and complacent and take you for granted as before. Thats all

I hope it goes well for you!

Fenderguy, I've been watching and hurting with your story because, from a physical intimacy standpoint, it is almost identical to mine. My wife's libido is virtually nil. She does a progesterone and testosterone therapy because of the damage to that system caused by her thyroid issue, which in turn was caused by adrenal fatigue. In all, it's a long, painful trip that has resulted in absolutely zero libido.

What brings me in now, though, is your question about how to bring up the lackluster physical dimension of the relationship. I have lived here for many years.

It is here, that I have begun to realize that there is hope and that I have a role to play.

The last couple of weeks, I have started doing things that I haven't necessarily felt like doing. I have given my wife hugs. I've looked deep into her eyes and said "I love you." I have touched her hand as I walked past. I have rubbed her shoulders. I have kissed her neck.

None of this was intended to lead to anything. Just simply adding touch into her life. And then, something interesting happened...

Now, I will say that we have scheduled "date nights" for many years. The night of the week has changed depending on what is going on in life, but it was always scheduled. Tuesday at 9 because the kids were in bed. Saturday at 8 because the kids were still sleeping. Wednesday nights because of Youth Group.

Regardless of the day/time, it was almost always the same. Lie down. Do whatever "helps" to get it over quickly. Then move on to the next activity. Same bat time, same bat channel. Every week. We were the model of "boring". So when I saw that she was trying to figure out how to have a physical relationship with the AP, needless to say, I was devastated. She never seemed to care about sex with me. And now, she was pursuing it and trying to make plans on how it could happen...but not with me...

So, 13 months later, after our 3-4 weeks of HB almost a year ago, here we were again, back in the boring routine. But, something happened that was unexpected...

In my "pursuit" over the course of 4 days, some sort of switch flipped. My wife walked into the bedroom one morning while I was getting ready for work. The kids were at thetable, eating breakfast. She looked at me. I looked at her. And 10 minutes later, we emerged from the bedroom after what was one of the best encounters we have had in quite some time.

Why do I think she was "into it"? Because we had been building to it through the week. Not spoken about, but building the anticipation by looks and non-sexual touches. It re-ignited a portion of the system that was dormant.

While you can have the discussion about a bland sex life and wanting to spice it up, unless the "feelings" are there, all the talking in the world won't make it happen. It took the age-old concept of pursuit. I needed to let go of my issues and allow myself to pursue again.

And that made all the difference. For this week, anyway. Still more data collecting to come.

Hi, I'm a BGF, or maybe that's ex-BGF or former BGF, as I'm no longer with my BF anymore. But something about your post reminded me of my own body insecurities. My body has changed dramatically over the course of my 2+ yr relationship, mostly to no fault of my own. I have had some similar body changes to you, but without the joy of saying I birthed and fed children. If anything, my body changes are actually directly tied to my inability to have children.

In the 2+ yrs we were together (which includes a 7mo break in the middle), we were only sexually active for 3 of the first 4 months. He would give me compliments that I looked good or cute, including when I was in a state of undress or half undressed/lingerie. Then...things fizzled off. It was mostly him being aloof, and me going with the flow because I was a pushover and also because I didn't prioritize sex enough to insist on it, as I prioritized trying to prove myself to be a good girl suitable for marriage more than anything at that time. Looking back, I wonder if that's when he started straying, during the 6-7mos that we were still together, and still sleeping next to each other and stuff during sleepovers, but not having intercourse. He was more aloof about complimenting me, similar to how that geek Sheldon from Big Bang Theory would be towards his GF, prior to actually becoming sexually active with her. (That scene where Sheldon's GF Amy is laying across the sofa seductively, dressed as Snow White trying to get his attention while he pretty much ignores her to work on his computer, is always a trigger. And no, my XBF was NOT the nerdy asexual geek type either, which probably makes his aloofness towards me even worse!) During our 6-7mos of celibacy, he became more aloof, complimented me less, and I started putting on unexplained weight and abdominal swelling. I even mistakenly thought I was pregnant at one point.

After 10mos together--including 6-7mos of celibacy--he abruptly dumped me, a total surprise to me. We were apart for 7mos. During those 7mos, my physical health went to hell: I gained much much more weight, had severe leg swelling and blatant varicose veins pop up everywhere, and I began to look around 6mos pregnant despite my lack of sex and obvious lack of a baby. Turns out I had rapidly growing uterine fibroids and cysts. That's why my uterus expanded as big as a pregnant woman's. The fibroids were also one of the causes of my infertility; I'm told it's not impossible for me to get pregnant, but definitely difficult and would likely require expensive IVF with no promise it'd work. I ended up having to get them surgically cut out with a very invasive, complicated, life-threatening myomectomy. I was put on bedrest and restricted from exercise before and after this surgery. I am also on birth control to control the fibroids, making me further infertile. As a result, I now have a surgical scar similar to a C-section but 3x wider, extending from hip to hip. This incision, along with the abdominal swelling and then fibroid removal, has resulted in my belly being pouchy and sagging over my incision, similar to what apparently happens to some women after a C-section. Actually, it seems like everything has gotten kind of saggy. I've lost weight since the surgery and medications but not nearly fast enough. I still weigh more now than I did even 1yr ago, although a good bit less than I did right before hospitalization and surgery.

When we reconciled, I must say XBF did not seem impressed with my different body. Preemptively I

was almost ashamed to let him see the scars and veins. I was afraid what he might think or say. My insecurities seemed confirmed especially after his immature friend made some rude comments, asking me if I had C-section scars and stretch marks after I told him and a few others that I'd just had a myomectomy surgery. When his friend said that, my XBF actually said to his friend, "Geez, stop, I find varicose veins and scars to be absolutely disgusting." I definitely felt ashamed of my body after that, even though he hadn't even seen me naked in many months, before our 7mo breakup. His continued lack of sex, even after me finally summoning the courage to make a move indicating my desire for sex, had me feeling even more horrible. Unfortunately, this continued and I never had sex with him ever again. I have now reached a whopping nearly 2yrs with no sex.

My XBF hasn't admitted much about his infidelities, and the only thing he's admitted to, he claims was a rebound not an affair, that just so happened to occur right after he dumped me. Yeah right. Anyway, that girl has 2 kids but apparently doesn't have an obvious "mommy body" if my XBF didn't think she had kids until she told him afterwards. That realization has me feeling more insecure than ever. Knowing that even a girl who actually HAS kids, has a better body than me. I'm sure my XBF probably thought about me, "She wants kids so badly but if she looks this sloppy before she's even gotten pregnant, imagine how badly she'll let herself go once she has a kid." Okay that's my speculation but still.

OP, on the bright side, at least you have kids to excuse any self-perceived flaws. At least you have that badge of honor. Your H has to respect you for that, especially since they're HIS children you bore. Some of us have body insecurities and don't even have kids to show for it.

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