SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reading Mrs. Walloped’s thread. There is something which stuck out at me.

“He is my husband, he has to say that”.

I nursed my children forever. For years, I felt self conscious about my boobs. After breast feeding, I never saw them as fabulous or mine. I don’t know what I am explaining!!!

Anyway, my husband loved to watch me get out of tub or the shower. He would make sexual comments (nice ones) about my breasts or my body.

I felt so uncomfortable. Like he was just saying words to build me up. I was a 40 year old woman. 5 pregnancies. 3 to term. C-sections, breast feeding. How could I look attractive?

“He was my husband! He was supposed say that”

My reaction hurt my husband. I can honestly say this. He wanted something fun and playful with me. My insecurities hurt this between us.

I never doubted the illicit affair sex was hot. I am sure it was. But I understood this was a moment in time. In 15 years we had some amazing times together and some not so amazing. I also knew I wanted more passion in bed with my husband.

I came across a blog about married sex. Read a few things. One person commented. “My wife just lays there. It’s like a chore for her. She lets me have sex, just to get it over with”.

It made me stop and think about my sex life. I never said no to my husband. We did go through times when I KNOW I acted this way sexually.

Rebuking his comments about my body. Not being full present at times.

I see so many threads from husbands and wives on this forum. The spouse not being present sexually before the affair. The husband not starting foreplay/emotions before actual sex. The wife not enjoying herself.

Why do we do this? Why do we shut down something so intimate and special? Why don’t we treat this as a gift between our spouse?

Why didn’t I allow myself to feel special or amazing in front of my husband? I thought it was silly and he was just saying things because he was my husband. I regret this.

I can relate to this 100%.

Now post affair our sex life is so much better but it hurts my husband because he feels like my AP gave me a sexual awakening.

That's not the case. But it did teach me that my husband's love and desire is real and true. He loves me for me. Not a fantasy person I need to portray to keep up an affair. I appreciate his words and his lust and attraction for me now. I don't shrug it off as something he is supposed to say as my husband.

I feel much more connected to my husband emotionally and physically which just translates into more enjoyable sex. We just talked about this a few nights ago. I regret wasting all those years thinking I just wasn't good enough/thin enough/perky enough.

ETA: I'm about to be 40 and have two kids, 2 c-sections and breast-fed so I feel you!!

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 7:53 AM, February 9th (Friday)]

Also- I read Mrs. Wallopeds thread and then read all 80 pages of her husband's yesterday. It put me in a really dark place because it was so close to what I went through. I could relate to all of it.

I had wondered the exact same thing. The affair caused a sexual awakening. It makes me sick to even give the affair credit.

Do I think the affair awakened something in my husband? I don’t. I do think being very clear what I want from him sexually has awakened him.

My husband had the madonna syndrome with me. We did not have “wild” sex. Sex had become all about sexual release. It didn’t help that I shut him down outside of bed. I was a willing participate in bed. But the fun sexual flirting wasn’t there.

Just the other day, we had the best time sexually. He was extremely surprised at what I did. He said why haven’t you been like this. I said you didn’t want this. I tried to comply. Now, I am not going to live like that. I want a very active fun sex life. He of course agrees.

When we would use sex to sexually release we always called it fucking. Not having sex. Not making love. Just fucking. I hated it. I loved the release. That lack of beauty really hurt me.

I had screamed at him after DD. All you want from me is a fuck. He said, no. (He said it so softly. I was screaming from such a soul crushing hurt). He thought that was what i liked. I said, I hated it. He said he didn’t like it either.

How could two people who had sex for 15 years get so off track? It is so similar to “all my fault”.

One of my friends told me, my husband had an affair to have great sex. I almost slapped her. That hurt me. I was dying to have great sex with my husband. And there is NO way another woman could ever be better or great than me in bed. I could and I can accept as friction. Sex feels good.

I do know at the beginning of my marriage and at this point in my marriage. I give everything in me emotionally and physically during intimacy. Somewhere things got so muddled.

Pink piggy....I agree with you 100%. I am more emotionally fulfilled now. My sex drive is over the top. We flirt constantly. His sweetness towards me. I love it.

I see and read so many comments from the betrayed men. They want that “secret fun erotic experience the AP recieved”. They write they deserve it. And on demand at that. Unfortunately it misses the mark. Because the wife is sooo much more willing and fulfilled when she feels emotionally special.

Also- I read Mrs. Wallopeds thread and then read all 80 pages of her husband's yesterday. It put me in a really dark place because it was so close to what I went through. I could relate to all of it.

Totally understand. Reading how she felt special. I seriously almost vomited because there is a woman out there that doesn’t deserve to have this kind of memory of her time with my husband.

It is something I miss so much. That feeling of “being it”. I loved it. “Being it”

As I write this. I wonder, does a WW wife miss this after the affair from their husband? I would imagine another man having sex with a wife does this negate that my wife is “it” for the husband?

Trust me there is no memory of it in that way for me any more. At all.

When I think of my AP it is only thoughts of disgust and remorse.

Post affair sex is so much worse for me.

An interesting thing from the series we are in at our adult Sunday school class was discussed last week. Many times, we think of physical intimacy as the pinnacle of intimacy when we really need to see it as the culmination of all the other areas of intimacy coming together.

IWMG, when you say that you feel bad about saying that a better sex life is the result of the affair, you don't really have to think that way. The affair was the catalyst for many of us in R to a deeper intimacy emotionally& spiritually with our spouses. That deeper intimacy culminates, then, into a deeper intimacy physically.

On my post from a few days ago, sisoon led us down this path as well, discussing the "power" held in many relationships. I like to think of a good partnership within physical intimacy as being two partners who have the desire to make requests and fulfill one another's desires.

As a husband whose wife has often either wielded the "not tonight" as a weapon or simply "was available" but not interactive, sex was more often than not unfulfilling. I have almost always wanted to serve my wife rather than being worried about my own satisfaction. Obviously, like most of us, my climax was important, but when my wife was/is not engaged, there is just something completely missing.

With all that said, in order for both partners to be fully engaged, the rote, scheduled, boring sexual experiences have to be tossed away. Foreplay starts hours & days before with doing the small things. Stereotyping here, but husbands need to help around the house and wives need to let husbands know they are eagerly anticipating the physical intimacy.

I will also say that we have been married 23 1/2 years, my wife has been pregnant 6 times, all to term, all breastfed, and I find nothing sexier than her beautiful body. And she constantly puts herself down. It makes me sad that she feels that way about herself. I tell her how great she looks and how I love her body, but somehow she just doesn't accept it. But when the AP started saying how beautiful she is...well...that's another thread...

I don’t want to intrude but Iwantmyglasses invited me to comment here.

I don’t know what I am explaining!!!

I know exactly what you’re explaining. It’s funny you mentioned your boobs. I felt the same way about mine. I too nursed all 5 of my children. I thought of my boobs as milk machines. And my nipples! They’re huge and permanently erect! They weren’t that way when I was younger. Now I only wear padded bras. If I didn’t my nipples would bump into someone 30 seconds before I got there! But my husband loves them. He thinks they’re sexy. And I never believed him. How could they be? They weren’t cute or sexy anymore. They were these monstrosities caused by breastfeeding. So yes, I didn’t let him make me feel special. I let someone else instead.

Part of my work has been learning to accept his compliments and internalize them. Maybe it’s not because of my affair but something I’ve come to realize afterwards, but I’ve started believing that I’m sexy and attractive and not just a mother and now grandmother. My therapist had me act that way with my husband even if I didn’t feel it. He said that the feelings would follow the actions. And he was right!

And I agree. Sex is soooo much better when it’s an emotional connection. Sometimes we do just want a release and while I wasn’t thrilled with that before, I’m happy with whatever I have now. But when we’ve shared our feelings and have had a really good DMC that led to sex, it’s off the charts!

Like pinkpggy, I don’t miss anything about my affair. Those thoughts just make me feel gross and disgusting. I commented about not being “it” anymore for my BH in an answer to someone on my thread. But it’s my fault that I’m not special in that way to my BH anymore. He’s tried to make me feel special, but it’s not the same. That’s okay though. I don’t want to feel special. I just want to love him and have him love me. That’s more than enough for me now.

Iwantmyglasses and pinkpggy, I’m sorry if my posts were hard for you.

Sometimes I wish pre-affair our sex had been boring- standard, not wild or exciting or engaged because then I wouldn't have felt the difference so intensely post affair. I missed that connection so much and I mourned it. It felt like a death. Also I could feel like improving our sex life would result in assurance this will never happen again.

Of course, I know that's a false sense of control especially because our sex was mind blowing according to both of us before (and during 🤢 the affair and he chose to do it anyway. When I wish that I am just wanting a nice easy security blanket rather than the uncomfortable feeling of re-establishing trust, risking my heart again and knowing I would leave if anything that even smells a whiff like infidelity happens again.

Grass is always greener right? Things are going a lot better for me in that department but i still feel that sadness sometimes.

You were and continue to be special, you are unique and your husband is lucky beyond words to be the one who gets to complement that strong body that carried all of his babies.

We can't change the past but we can make today different.

Remember there are a metric ton of spouses (on this site alone) who do NOT compliment their partner. Being married doesn't compel anyone to do anything (as we have seen to our despair).

Thanks for the thought provoking thread IWMG ❤️

This is kinda hard to write, but I'm going to give it a shot.

First off, I am the BH. Understand that I didn't have anybody issues or anything like that. Our sex was limited mostly due to her.

See, we also have children. She was never someone who is what anyone would call skinny. She was healthy, and body-wise, I guess you could say that she was about average (size 10-12). Children came along. She never really regained her previous shape, and that affected her a lot. Also, the birth control and a few antidepressant prescriptions killed her libido, and her weight kept climbing. It seemed like I was the only one that was interested, because she didn't really have confidence in herself anymore. She would complain about how she looked, how large she was, and point out her flaws. I never understood how deep this could run, because she was the most beautiful woman to me. She brought 2 lives into this world, and how can that not be beautiful?

Same deal, she thought that my compliments were just because I had to say that. Our sex became nonexistent. She didn't want it. I wasn't exactly happy with the situation, but everything else in our relationship was fine. Why would I hang it all up because of that? Something that should happen maybe 2 times a week? Not to get too graphic either, but God did give me two hands.

It seems like the only time we were ever doing anything was on special occasions when we were in a hotel. This went on for years. I'm embarrassed to admit how long, but it was a long time. She didn't think that I could love her, and probably assumed that if I wasn't getting it home, I was getting it somewhere else. She said this many times to me. Of course, I would reassure her, and explain that I did two tours in Korea when I was in the Army without her. This was my life.

Hell, even during the A, we we're not intimate at all. Obviously, when everything broke out on D day, you can imagine how devastating this was.

I know that as a BS, we are not to share the blame. Rationally, I know this. Logically, it makes sense. It wasn't me. Emotionally, I can't say that I don't share the blame though. What if I did more? What if I... Just what if.

I remember countless times I would see her at the sink, or sitting on the couch, or anything like that. Minding her own business. I would try to initiate something. Start kissing her neck, trying to touch her, pretty much all of the ways that us clueless men try to initiate. She would get mad, and I remember that I would say "what? Do you not want me to be attracted to you?" Or something equally innocent. Little did I know that there would come a day that would happen. Trying not to, but it's difficult with the mind movies still playing.

^ Trying... I came here to post my experience... but you pretty much took the words right out of my mouth. My experience was VERY similar to yours. What an awful feeling. This thread is triggering the hell out of me.

WW's libido simply took a nosedive after the kids were born. She was willing to provide me with sex 1-2 times a week, but it was always just for the purpose of me getting off. She made no attempts to even pretend to be enjoying herself. Without getting too graphic, she would basically take her clothes off like she was at a doctor's office. Any semblance of foreplay was forbidden by her. I was not allowed to touch her boobs or vagina with my hands or mouth. Oral sex was definitely off the menu. Only one sex position was allowed; it involved her not having to do ANY work, and it involved not having to look at each other. It was absolutely awful, it made me feel like a rapist.

You may ask, why did I put up with that? Attempts to address the issue (with extreme sensitivity... I was never an asshole about it) were always met with extreme defensiveness, and that in turn put more pressure on her, and made her even less willing to have sex. But once or twice a week, she would usually initiate sex by saying something romantic like "Well, we won't have time to have sex for a few days, so let's do it now". She would get pissed if I refused. But she didn't enjoy it herself. She was simply checking another thing off her list.

Attempts to be romantic about it were met with extreme contempt. Sex could never just happen because we were both in the mood. She had the kids sleep with us EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I would voice my concerns, and she would say "yeah, we need to get them in their own rooms". And it would never happen. I would put my foot down, but what can I say... they ended up in bed with us 99% of the time, at her insistence. We would go out for date nights, and have a really good time... connect very well. Kids would be at a babysitter. And she'd get pissed if I wanted to have sex at the end of the night. "Does sex have to be the end goal of every date?" She completely lost her desire for me.

You're probably thinking "This guy must have been an asshole". I actually was not. I'm not a perfect person, but I've always felt I was a pretty good husband/father. It's something I strive for. As far as the mundane stuff, I personally do the majority of the house cleaning. I at least do my own laundry, but I refuse to touch hers after messing up a few things. I try to help with the kids as much as I possibly can. I've always tried to be an encouraging husband.

That's partly why I was so pissed off after DDay. There's no way she had that kind of sex with the OM. If she had, he probably wouldn't have come back for seconds. He got to give and receive oral. He got her to enjoy sex and have orgasms. OM technically had a better body than me, which just made me feel great. My WW didn't really have an answer for why she was able to enjoy sex with him so much more, except to say she got caught up in the thrill of it. Once she found out she was 1 of 3 of his APs, that thrill ended pretty quick. Then she was offering me every sex act under the sun. She suggested HB, and I told her to fuck off. I was so hurt by the fact that she had treated me like sex with me was a chore, but OM got the opposite experience. I ended up not having sex with her for almost 14 months, despite her begging me at times.

I never realized it until reading this thread, but I had suppressed these memories. They're so painful that I pushed those feeling of humiliation and rejection down so far. I read this thread earlier while at work, and have been triggering all day like I haven't in over a year. My WW called me awhile ago (she's at work), and I could barely find it in me to have a half assed, pleasant conversation with her. Kids still sleep in our bed. We just resumed sex a month ago after the 14 month drought following DDay... it's the exact same. No effort on her part at all. Same stop signs still up. It makes me realize that if I'm ever to have good sex again, it would have to be with somebody else. But I am not a cheater, and I never will be. I became a different person after DDay, with the 180 and all. But it became detrimental to our progress with R. Now I find things are going right back to the way they were. I go back and forth between accepting that things are always going to be this way, and feeling like I deserve better.

Sorry about the length of my post. This thread has really dug up some feelings for me. WW gets home from work in 2 hours... I plan on being asleep by then, just so I don't act like a triggering asshole to her.

Man, this thread has caused me to really look at things the way they are. I may be "over the Affair" at this point, but my marriage really has a long way to go. I have so much resentment, so much bottled anger. Pushed so far down I didn't even realize it. WOW... this is eye opening.

I used to accept my H's complements..before he cheated. After he cheated and Dday happened..I just couldn't believe him. I was so shattered. My self image was pretty decent before this all happened. Afterwards it was in the toilet.

Our sex life has waxed and waned with the births of our children, the amount of stress in our lives, etc. When he first started his anonymous hook ups our sex life was not good at all. I was suffering a gynecological problem. But it really revived again and while he was cheating for the second time (he started up after a two year hiatus) and it was very good, very intense. So this was a part of my absolute shock after Dday.

I felt so ugly (I'm not ugly, I get looks still at 50), so rejected, so discarded after Dday. I'd never felt any rejection like it, in my whole life. I still struggle with my looks now, 11 months out.

I NEVER considered plastic surgery before this happened, now I look with a critical eye at myself and wonder if I did this or that would I feel better? Look sexier?

Damn, there is no end to it though! There will ALWAYS be someone better looking than YOU, no matter how hard you work at it! That's just life.

As to sex, I used to be more adventurous..now after Dday (and HB is over) I let him do the work. I just can't find it in me to always do it like I used to. The pain and mind movies just take over sometimes when we start to be intimate. It. Just. Effing. Sucks.

We were each others ONE AND ONLYS! Now, I am no longer that to him. It breaks my heart. We had this super incredible, special bond of One and ONlYs and he threw it to pig whores. Just threw it away.

I hope someday the specialness comes back. I can't dwell on this subject too much and just typing this out is triggering me. Sex was sacred, it was special and it was ours alone. He ripped that away from me and threw it to trash. It is something I don't know if I'll ever recover from. Can anyone recover from this really?

Ugh. I haven't read Mrs. Walloped's thread- I will after this.

But this is where things get frustrating for me.

We actually DID have a good sex life. To me. I can't imagine not to him.

Pre-pregnancies I was curvy, size 6, 130lbs, 5'4", 32e chest and 28" waist. I was a softer ScarJo. Husband loved it, but the curviness always made me self-conscious because of course, insecure woman in her 20s.

After my first child I lost the pregnancy weight but the shape changed. I got mom-bod. Softer, saggier. I breastfed her for 20 months, halfway through the pregnancy to my 2nd, who I then breastfed for almost a year. However, after my second I began seeing a personal trainer and worked hard and dropped down to a firm size 4 and 115lbs. I was fit, strong, and my confidence (and resulting libido) skyrocketed.

I actually initiated sex as much as my spouse. I bought sex toys and massage creams and fun bedroom items. We had sex 2-3x a week. We fought like the dickens, but the sex was just as dramatic.

While he was engaging in his affair, I was running Spartan races. The nice thing about being strong is having more stamina and the ability to hold more difficult positions due to your strength. The AP in his sitch was built like my pre-baby, curvy but not fit.

There's NO way that the sex could have been better. But he was a boob guy, and my boobs went from a 32E to a 34B. I could do a reverse cowgirl upright and screw the guy with my own ab strength but titty fucking is out. I had the moves but dude, it was the visuals he clearly missed. He did acknowledge that my lady bits look nicer and she couldn't give a decent blowjob. Even with that the knowledge that he HAS that information and WHY...

Sex on its own is still amazing. He's always been incredible in bed. There's no way that she was able to teach him anything, our sex was always wonderful. But now, no matter how hard I try, every time he makes me squirm I cringe at the thought that she got to feel that too. He mentioned she finished very quickly, and I know she was on lots of fucked up meds, so I just hope that she was faking it like everything else in her pathetic life, because when I was on AD's finishing was near impossible and took forever. Because the real deal is so good.

[This message edited by tessthemess at 10:11 PM, February 9th (Friday)]

Quick T/J....

I never realized it until reading this thread, but I had suppressed these memories. They're so painful that I pushed those feeling of humiliation and rejection down so far. I read this thread earlier while at work, and have been triggering all day like I haven't in over a year. My WW called me awhile ago (she's at work), and I could barely find it in me to have a half assed, pleasant conversation with her. Kids still sleep in our bed. We just resumed sex a month ago after the 14 month drought following DDay... it's the exact same. No effort on her part at all. Same stop signs still up. It makes me realize that if I'm ever to have good sex again, it would have to be with somebody else. But I am not a cheater, and I never will be. I became a different person after DDay, with the 180 and all. But it became detrimental to our progress with R. Now I find things are going right back to the way they were. I go back and forth between accepting that things are always going to be this way, and feeling like I deserve better.

Man. I am so gutted for you. No husband should be made to feel this way.

Why would she give so much to the OM but not you? Who knows. But does the why really matter at this point?

IMO Mrs Walloped is the example of a WW truly wanting to R. Her attitude and actions are in line with her words. And even though it may not be enough to keep Walloped around in the long run, at least she is giving it everything she's got.

Your WW actions and attitude fall far short of the mark.

Why settle for her scraps of attention for the rest of your life?

I believe you do deserve better. Not just better treatment. A better partner. And she does not seem too interested in being that kind of partner.

You are a good man. Perhaps its time to find a good woman.

[This message edited by ramius at 10:11 PM, February 9th (Friday)]

Thanks for the kind words, ramius. You are right, I deserve better than this. Post Dday, she made promises to give me the best sex anyone ever had, etc. At the time, I wanted nothing to do with it. We recently started having sex again. She promised big things, and so far it hasn't happened that way. I'm not really expecting porn sex... I would just like to be able to have intimate sex and foreplay, where things just come naturally. Somebody wrote it earlier... how can a married couple have sex consistently for 10+ years and get so bad at it?

Mrs.Walloped's thread has been triggering for me as well. Not her fault, she's fantastic. But I read in her posts so much of what I wish my WW could be like. That's been hard for me as well.

I'm starting to realize that there are issues with us that are bigger than the Affair. I don't even really think about the affair that much. I'm in an honest mood right now. And I honestly believe that I am in this marriage because of my kids, financial reasons (not losing my ass in a D), and because of everybody's expectations. How can I ruin my kids' lives just because I'm not as happy as I could be? My wife is seen as somewhat of a Mother Teresa type character among my/her family, and in the community in general. What kind of asshole would I be if I divorced her? My wife and I get along just fine, but we're more like roommates. I don't feel like I have a partner. I don't feel like I have somebody that's always in my corner. There's no trust, not one bit. I don't fear being alone at all. If my 180 did anything for me, it was to give me my own positive sense of self. I'd be just fine on my own, no doubt about it. The person I became in the 180 does not jive with the person I have to be to stay with my W.

Damn... I have a lot to think about. I really thought I was getting better... that we were getting better. Funny how your subconscious knows better.

My wife is seen as somewhat of a Mother Teresa type character among my/her family, and in the community in general. What kind of asshole would I be if I divorced her?

I take it no one knows about her affair?

Nobody knows about her affair, outside of the people involved. WW's AP had 2 other APs at the same time, one of whom blew the whole thing up. So basically you had 4 married couples involved. I've never told a soul. Nor has my WW. It's been about 15 months since DDAY, and as far as I know news of the whole incident has not hit the local gossip circuit. Somebody would've said something by now. AP is now divorced and moved to another town about 20 miles away. I haven't seen him since D day. Most people would be absolutely shocked to learn of the A.

This is crazy. I haven't triggered like this in over a year. Wife got home last night and could tell something was wrong. I could barely squeeze out any nice pleasantries. Tonight is our date night for V-Day. I'm gonna have to do what I do best: detach emotionally, and just pretend like I'm out with a friend.

Sorry I didn't mean to make this thread about myself, it just brought up a lot of feelings last night and I unloaded on this thread. Please, carry on...