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WHY would you get your children involved?

Your son is in college? He has enough on his plate without having to deal with these issues.

Your children SHOULD NOT be dragged into this at this point!

I’m going to try to get her to realize what she has and is possibly throwing away on her own. I just ordered a small bouquet a flowers to be delivered to her at work Friday Morning. The card will read “Have a great weekend. Will miss you.”

I hope she sees what she is doing and will come home and confess everything to me, the. We will figure out what each wants.

If she DOESN’T come to her senses, then she is in for a shock.

2018MLMM

I like this plan. If she doesn’t go then it’s sincere and you might give R a chance. Once caught her motivation to stay with you is less pure. There are practical reasons to stay with you that have nothing to do with love. For example the security you provide and to protect her reputation.

And M1965 is correct. DO NOT SEND ANY PHOTOS OR VIDEOS! Now you are the victim. So don’t overdo it and make her a victim. Just send enough to prove she had an affair. Nothing more. Keep most stuff in reserve. That will give your lawyer leverage in the divorce.

[This message edited by Michigan at 1:58 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

Excellent point about videos and pictures. Thanks

Sending the drives to people is a mistake. It will engender sympathy for her. Not sure why you want to do that other than revenge. You can expose. Tell people you know she is having an affair. If they question then you can show some of the proof. There really is no good reason to show the videos. I'd share it all with the OM's wife.

How do you know she is not working? Was that in the texts you saw? You should reach out to her directly as soon as you plan to expose to your wife. Don't' tell your wife you are going to do that.

I understand the desire to have her decide on her own that she wants to stay but the flowers won't work. She isn't going to react the way you want especially if sending flowers is not out of the ordinary. She will just take it as a sign that you really are as clueless to all of this as she has thought and hoped. Not confronting her now is almost surely going to end this in Divorce. I don't think you can come back from letting her go on this weekend but I suppose you don't care so go ahead. I just think if you want to offer any chance at reconciliation you need to keep her from going this weekend if you can.

So instead of sending them texts, should I just send text to all of them telling them that she is having an affair and leave it at that????

Maybe just send her message to him about the hotel and how I don’t suspect a thing?????

Thoughts????

I just ordered a small bouquet a flowers to be delivered to her at work Friday Morning. The card will read “Have a great weekend. Will miss you.”

Well, that is one way to do it. You will be upset all weekend with your thoughts.

She will be relieved that you you "don't know anything" and go off for her weekend bacchanalia without a worry. If I were in her shoes I would think "what a sweet, clueless sap my husband is". Not "Husband sent me flowers, I will ditch my young, hot, horny, boy toy and come home".

Will you have divorce papers on the table when she returns?

Maybe just send her message to him about the hotel and how I don’t suspect a thing?????

Who is "him" and what is the message?

When I found out, I went all scorched earth. I didn't subject anyone to the pictures or the emails I had. I just told them about the affair.

I would personally keep my evidence to myself if I were you. You never know when you may need to go back to the same sources.

Don't tell how you found out, just say you've found out. The only ones that need the evidence are you and possibly your attorney.

I would rethink letting her leave for the weekend. It will only drive you crazy.

Don't waste your money on the flowers. Just go ahead and confront. All your doing otherwise is torturing yourself.

There's no sense in that, you're already going through hell.

Take care of yourself.

DIFM:

Should the not text I send to her family and friends is the message she sent to POS that she had reserved the hotel room and that I don’t suspect a thing about them

Maybe not lead with that, bur first reveal the affaif then when people ask why then you can use that email.

If she asks how you know just say something like "Ya know sweetheart, it's hard to keep a secret these days...people talk..." Let her ruminate over who talked.

As Wool94 said:

I would personally keep my evidence to myself if I were you. You never know when you may need to go back to the same sources.

Don't tell how you found out, just say you've found out. The only ones that need the evidence are you and possibly your attorney.

Never reveal your sources. Just tell her you know. No more Pick Me dance. You're giving her too much control. And definitely don't let her go on that trip. You'd be essentially LETTING her go and screw her AP. You make her decide NOW.

I'm not sure what sending her flowers will accomplish? It just seems like game playing to me. I don't think she's suddenly going to become psychic and think "oh, look, flowers, I should stay home".

I would tell OM's spouse, confront your wife, and leave the ball in her court. In addition I would tell your support system in order to gain their help. I would do all of this before the weekend.

The choice is yours, not hers.

Shouldn’t I tell the kids????

Shouldn’t they find out that I’ve filed??

Don’t want the one still living at home putting 2+2 together when she overhears us “calmly discussing this minor bump in our loving relationship”

Tell the kids after you talk to the WWife. You will have more info for the kids after she reacts. After you confront her she may want to come home or she may want to move in with the OM

Keep control over who you tell when, if you tell the kids first, one might talk to their mom before you do.

I have to ask. Why won't you confront her now? I would tell her now that I know of the affair. I would then tell her that if she goes the we are done. In your plan, she goes and have her dirty fun and then comes home contrite and want to save her marriage. The deed is done. Once served she will blow your phone up and say that she could not go through with it, that nothing happened. That it was all a mistake. But in fact she would have done all she planned to do.

If you want a real chance for reconciliation the confront now because she will go. Why wouldn't she. She believes you don't know and have no clue. You are even given her permission to go. You are thinking like a rational person, not one who is in an affair. Someone who is in an affair will lie, will minimize, and will do what they want to do, especially if they believe you have no idea, which is what you have in your wife. Consider what I am saying.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 3:18 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

MLMM, I for one think that you plan is generally correct. Just be careful about videos and pics, else all else is fair game. Offer to show family vids and pics if they want to see it, but do not send anything. NEVER reveal where you got your info from.

I, for one, do not think that Walloped's story is a success - but I will not thread jack here. You, on the other hand, do have the right attitude but just need to be legally safe.

Absolutely your kids need to know as does her family, your family etc. This is to prevent her spinning this to be your fault. Children will cope. If this is scorched earth, then so be it. It certainly will blow the affair wide open which is the desired effect. At the moment she is a liar, a cheat, disrespectful and devoid of any morals. She is also spending time and money that belong to your family. I also do not think the flowers will do much, but it will serve to prove just how far gone she is in her absence of feelings or morality. So for that alone, I think it is a nice touch.

I totally get that you are not doing the pick-me dance. I have not seen many others do less of a pick-me dance! Well done.

[This message edited by manfromlamancha at 3:25 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

I would probably get the kids out of the house tonight and confront her. I wouldn’t show her the evidence, but I would basically say something like:

“We are at a crossroad in our marriage. You obviously are not happy because I know you are having sex with Alex Asshat. If you want to be with him and not me then you can go on your honeymoon with him this weekend and I will get divorce papers ready for you when you return.

Because of what you have done I can not guarantee that I can continue as your husband but I am willing to try and work through this terrible time in our relationship and see if we can reconcile.

But I will not try that with someone who is not ALL IN with me. I will not work on this with someone who is pining away for someone else. This will take a lot of work over the next months and years to fix things. If you don’t want that then go on your sex party weekend with him. Who am I to deny you your happiness if he is the one you are meant to be with.

Until I hear otherwise I will be working to legally terminate the marriage you have effectively ended thru your actions.”

Then walk away. You’ll have your answer soon enough.

Should I be giving her this choice of whether she wants me and us or should I tell her I know, where she will probably stay with me out of fear of her life being thrown into chaos????

You will be able to tell quite quickly if she is all in and truly remorseful or if she’s just doing it as a sense of duty. I wouldn’t worry so much about it. If she pines away for him you’ll know and you can confront her and serve her D papers at any time.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:45 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

Don't let her go. Confront and expose beforehand. Why let her go spend a weekend with him?

If she goes anyway you have your answer. If she doesn't go you can still decide d or maybe r later, depending on her actions.

But I see no value in letting her go spend a weekend with her boyfriend. None.

I wouldn't send any texts or tell anyone what you know until you tell her that you know. Someone will contact her immediately when you do that. I really do not understand the game-playing with the flowers and the trip. You have more evidence than anyone ever does. You know for sure that she is having an affair. You know there is no conference. You have emails, texts, videos. Why not confront now? Just do it. Don't play any games. Don't send flowers. Don't let her go away unless she knows for sure that going will end the marriage. There is another active thread on here where the poster knew his WW was going away with her boyfriend for a trip. He let her go without being clear that he knew what she was doing and that if she went the marriage was over. Now he is dealing with the aftermath that he could have prevented. I would be very clear. Something like:

"I know you are having an affair with OM. I know that this weekend conference is a lie and an excuse to have a weekend away with him. If you go expect to have divorce papers waiting for you when you return. If you want a chance to save this marriage you will stay home this weekend and we can start to talk about what that is going to take and if it is even possible to reconcile but if you leave then I will move forward with the divorce that I have already spoken to an attorney about."