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Good luck Onetime. Stay strong.

Great job!!!

Be strong!!!

You can do this!!!

You know you MUST do this!!!

Contrary to the ideas that may occasionally pop into your head, you are doing what is best for you AND your family!

As I said before, I served papers last Friday on a cheater and her pos when they thought I was completely in the dark. It was the best decision I ever made in my life! And I’ve been married for over 20 years! It was a nice decision to take my balls that she cut off out of her pocketbook, and nail pos’s to the wall!!!!!

Good luck

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:27 AM, March 31st (Saturday)]

Two things...

- Do NOT confront the OM, nothing good can come from doing so, it will only put you at risk. Simply report him to his command.

- Also, there is no need to pull the kids early from school and disrupt their day, you can fill them in at a later time, after things have calmed down a bit.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 8:08 AM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

Why go see POS at his command. Let his wife take care of him

- Do NOT confront the OM, nothing good can come from doing so, it will only put you at risk. Simply report him to his command.

He ain't worth your time. Talk to his spouse and be done with them.

Don't provide VARs at anytime nor acknowledge they exist until you research legal ramifications. Also if needed for future fact gathering, don't give up your sources.

I agree with the others, DO NOT confront the OM.

I also agree with NEVER revealing your sources. Ever.

Stay strong.

Like I said,your making all the right moves. Again try to meet with OBS if she is willing. I for one believe you are doing the right thing to go an meet with the POS OM. This sends a strong message to him that you are not afraid of him an will show your wife that too. An yes that does matter. Rock his world. Good look today.

Do not go see the OM.

Never, ever, reveal that you used VAR's even if

legal where you live. You can never rule out future

need of them. If WW knows about them then they

will be useless for you to gain future intel.

My thoughts are with you through this rough time.

sorry, double post

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 10:01 AM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

How are you doing?

Yes, this is hell, but just keep moving forward.

And try to enjoy the little pleasure that even come during shitstorms like today. Like her blowing up your phone and you ignoring the calls and texts.

The look of horror on people’s faces when they too realize thT she is not the person they thought she was.

Stay strong!! You can do this!

Stick to the plan!

[This message edited by 2018MLMM at 9:55 AM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

I would have deferred talking to OBS until later. That is inserting another variable into a messy situation. You don’t want her calling IA on your wife because you want (1) your wife to get a promotion to reduce any spousal support liability and (2) want the leverage Michigan mentioned earlier when settling your divorce agreement. I would tell her at a later time.

However when it comes to children, and countless times while at work, children's experience with someone in my position first interaction is how they will see that person in the future. Now when it comes to mine, and a decision I'm making will effect them. I won't bad mouth there mom, because she is there mother.

From my own experience, your boys need at least one parent to be the stable rock in their lives at this time. That parent is obviously you. Your WW is going to come unglued. Your boys will need to know that you will be the same dad that they've always known, just a better version of him in the near future whether R or D. Schedule some IC for them after you tell them. Be prepared for them to exhibit all kinds of emotions. Be prepared to answer their questions as best as you can. Let them be angry with you if that is what they feel (I doubt they will) because the important thing is that no matter what you want them to know that they can talk to you about any of this and they know you will listen and validate them. Let them be angry with their mom. Most of all let them know that A) none this is their fault and B) you and your WW love them very much no matter what and that YOU are not going anywhere out of their lives. Let them know they will always have a home with you and that home will be a safe place for them.

I've done all the above, plus scheduled and spent LOTS of fun time with my two boys, either together or one on one. We bonded from this experience as a result. Their grades improved, self esteem improved, their abilities in activities improved, their overall outlook in life improved....I mean improved even from BEFORE my Dday. Everybody results vary but no mat

Onetime

Fellow (former) cop here.

You ever had to oversee an investigation? You know, where you go and read the reports, look at the evidence and question everything. Maybe just to see if something was read wrong or overlooked?

Well… I’m going to do that.

The reason is not to doubt you. We do get our shares of stories here that have seemed so scripted or have so many contradictions that I have a tough time believing them. Your is not one of them. The reason is more to get you on path.

You mention your investigative methods.

How solid is your evidence? Keep in mind you only need enough to convince YOU, but then you need to keep that evidence to yourself.

Like the VAR recordings and gps from her duty-vehicle… probably illegal as h@ll... Illegal to the point where you could lose your job… So, keep them close. Keep them to yourself. Heck… even keep them from your wife. She asks how you know = a friend saw them.

I doubt ANY department would take kindly to wiretapping a fleet-car. For all they know you could pick up conversations about third parties, ongoing investigations and so on. I guess that even as a LEO couple you know better than to talk about ongoing cases. This is much worse…

The conversations about when to meet next. Were they sexually explicit? Did they talk about when to meet next at his bedroom? Or could it be interpreted to refer when to meet next in the car to shoot the breeze? A “I can’t wait to see you again” could be inappropriate but not necessarily infidelity while a “I can’t wait to feel your body next to mine” would be a clear message.

The number of phone-calls. Do they have a reason to communicate so much due to work? Do they work cases together? Was there a significant higher number of calls or a slightly higher number of calls? Like did she make 100 calls to him but the number in second place was 50 or was it 100/90?

What about the timing of the calls? On duty? Weekends?

I’m not doubting the affair. Far from it. At the VERY LEAST you have about as many red flags as the Chinese army. You DEFINITELY have an emotional affair and probably a physical one too.

Keep in mind that for many emotional affairs don’t register as affairs. People tend to slip into them over time and they then often move on into physical affairs. Your WW might think that since she hasn’t crossed a sexual line then things are OK (assuming the evidence doesn’t indicate otherwise). Heck… we have even seen cases here on SI where a WS maintains it wasn’t sexual because it was only groping or fingering or oral…

How strong is your evidence? How much is enough to prove to YOU that she’s cheating? Is more needed? Do you need evidence for the department? Do you have that evidence from a legal source?

Onetime – This is a task YOU need to take on. Don’t expect the department to solve your marital issues. Don’t base your actions on what the department will or will not do. Let your wife know you know and draw your line in the sand. If you want to divorce, then file and move on. If you want a shot at reconciliation then let her know you know of the affair and work from there.

Expose to the OMW. If she talks to IA then so be it. It will harm her husband’s job just as much as yours. If you want to talk to IA then do so. But the basic of what you are dealing with is that it’s a matter you need to confront your wife about. The OM and his wife, the department and all that? Simply extras in the grand scheme of things. If they get involved they will get involved irrespective of if you want it or not. IMHO it would be better to deal with your wife, and IF NEEDED then expose to the department rather than vice-versa.

You're handling this shit like a pro.

OM has a private room away from home.

It’s a physical affair.

EA with contact. A blind man could see this one.

Another brother in blue here wishing you strength. Stay strong, continue to put your kids first and take care of yourself mentally and physically. Eating and sleeping best you can with help the mental process.

From my experience I was very function so and moving at light speed in the day that I knew and the week or so after. Plan on depressing feelings coming in later. It will suck even worse and then you will ride the roller coaster of emotions up and down.

Know you are doing the right thing. This affair has nothing to do with you or your marriage. It might not make sense now but it will later. You are responsible for 50 percent of the marriage, which sounds like it was a good one. She is responsible for 100% of the affair. Your a good man, hold your head up high and never sink to her level.

Whether you divorce or reconcile is up to you, but see how she responds.

Hoping it goes as well for you today as it can. Keeping you in my prayers and keep up the good work. I'll send you a PM, you won't be able to respond until you hit 50 posts.

Also, there is no need to pull the kids early from school and disrupt their day, you can fill them in at a later time, after things have calmed down a bit.

I'm with OrdinaryDude on this one.

In general, I'm not a fan of involving children in adult problems - especially when there are so many unknowns right now. They need to be protected from the drama, but kept informed on the logistical situation of what's gong on right now (Dad is moving into an apartment, etc), not what might happen in the future. And being honest with them in an age-appropriate way is helpful for them to feel safe.

Lots of deep breaths - stay strong.

OK Onetime.

There you have it. Don’t need no evidence or proof.

Simply tell your wife, OM wife and internal affairs that Marz told you she’s having an affair.

[This message edited by Bigger at 12:02 PM, March 27th (Tuesday)]