SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel it's extremely selfish to drag your husband back into the hell of reconciliation when you can't even claim to love him.

If I had to guess your not even over your ap.

Why should your husband take the risk of being hurt by you a 3rd time when you can't even say you love him. Why drag him back when your not even sure you CAN love him. Darling people rarely fall back in love under these circumstances. They WANT to. But love doesn't work like that.

He's healing. He's moving on. I bet that scares you. You HAVE never been alone so I bet they plays a big part.

Reconciliation is for those who still love eachother. I don't believe you love your husband. At least not how he deserves.

Are you prepared for the long hual? Are you prepared to jump through hoops? Or do you just want everything to go back to how it was before the AP entered your life? Because let me assure you.... it's never going to be that way again.

You will be battling with finding attraction and love for him and he will battle with forgiving you for the awfull betrayal and mind games. He will never not have a day for the rest of his life where he doesn't feel at least a little of the sting of that betrayal.

You need to let him go. I think this is still all about YOU. You still think what you want and need is most important. It's not. Let him go. He can be happy without you. Sure he COULD be happy with you..... it's just not a safe bet and you would be very selfish to ask him to make that bet.

LET HIM GO. Noone deserves to be your second choice. Your plan b. Your backup man. It's rude and insensitive and demeaning.

Respect him. Respect his choices. He's been making good choices so far. Let him keep it up. Don't mess up his life even more.

Go do some healing. Find yourself. Move on.

Wow. I am shocked at the responses and how awful they make me feel. I guess if you don't know the people IRL, it's easy to give them specific advice. I DO think my husband and I still love each other. I obviously have not loved him the way that I should for a long time, but I am trying to get help now. I am not understanding how me beginning my journey to healing means I should automatically give up hope that my H and I could reconcile. I mentioned before, I am not asking him to drop everything and run back to me this minute. I am thinking months, or even years down the road we could try this again. I am committed to being single, and working on myself. For as long as it takes. Is it really so far fetched to think my H could forgive me? Is infidelity almost always unforgivable?

Also, is this really considered a "back up plan" to want to have my family back together? I left AP at my own free will. Something I feel was a huge step for me. I have been unable to detach myself from him for 2 solid years. I actually broke things off on the 2 year anniversary of our first kiss. I didn't let things run it's course with my A. My AP still very much wants to be with me and have a life together. I am just finally at a spot where I can see the A has caused so much damage in my life and inside my head/heart, that I am gaining the strength to move on. My H is not my back up plan IMO.

You should only begin to even foster that hope if he knows the whole truth.

Infidelity is always an unforgivable act. The person who made that choice can be forgiven, but no relationship ever heals based on lies. The longer you continue lying to him about why your marriage fell apart the lower your chances. There is a thread for people who found out about an affair years later in I Can Relate that you may want to read for perspective.

Yes he IS your backup plan.

You are one week out of this relationship with your ap and NOW you want your family back. Where was that when you where with your ap?

And don't make me sick. Your husband wasn't with you to keep the family together. He was with you because he loved and lusted after you. Don't be with him for the sake of your children. He deserves a woman who lusts and loves him. Not a woman who is only with him to keep a family together.

You tried out the ap. It wasn't what you wanted anymore. So hence plan b. If ap had turned out to be what you wanted you would be with him. You put your husband on the back burner. always in the back of your head believing you could go back if you wanted. ( or so I believe. )

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe....

Also I'm not the one who said you didn't love your husband YOU WERE. You said you could see yourself loving him again.... as in you don't anymore.

I'm sure you love him in some way.... just not the way a mate is supposed to love her mate. It took you 2 years to find out the AP wasn't what you wanted..... that's a damn long test drive. Just saying.

Look I don't want to be mean. I don't want to hurt you. I really don't. And yes I can't read your mind. Only the things your write..... but the things you write lead me to believe your being seflish. You may not think that but honestly your no judge of thing right now by my reconing. A few weeks ago you still wanted your ap enough to be with him.

OK I'll give you one kudo and that is if you stick to your word and WAIT.... I MEAN REALLY WAIT. Your emotions need time to settle. You need to understand the reasons behind your emotions before you act on them. If your serious about being together with your stbxh then I WOULD recomend waiting a year or 2. Letting his current relationship play out as it will and seeing where the dice fall. If you can commit to that and understand that he may and probably won't come back then more power to you.

It would actually be a beautiful thing in my opinion if you held out and stayed single and one day down the road you and him could find the happiness everyone (most everyone) deserves in each other's arms. I would be so happy for you and him if that happens.... I just don't think it's likely to work. I've seen it once or twice but it's rare..... VERY RARE.

Are you willing and able to take that long hual sacrifice and risk?

I mean you haven't even told him about the truth and he was already pretty firm on it being over. He didn't even know you where cheating and he wanted out. Do you think him knowing will improve those odds? It wont. This will be an uphill battle. Are you up to it? Are you up to seeing your kids being picked up with his girlfriend in the passenger seat? Are you up to dealing with watching what you want slowly drift away with little hope it will ever drift back? Are you? It will be one of the hardest things you ever do.

I think you need to tell your H the truth. Here’s the thing let’s say he does want to get back together down the road, you can’t drop the bomb on him IF he decides he wants to get back together. Him knowing the truth now will help him really decide what he wants. Don’t beg him to come back and wait for him to say yes then turn around and tell him.

Well here is my story. I was seeing my AP while my H and I separated and filed for D. I did drop my AP. My H did want us to get back together. He didn’t know about my A. I did tell him the truth. We were talking again for a 10 days and before we were going to move forward and make all those plans I told him the truth because he deserved to know. He choose to move forward with me. We are almost 2 1/2 years out and are having a successful R. It has not been easy. It’s a lot of work and we are finally getting to a better spot. It don’t come easy.

But here’s the huge factor, your H don’t want to get back together. That’s the missing piece to the puzzle here. I think you should stay away from him and AP and get into IC. . Fix yourself, become healthy and learn better coping skills. Don’t ask your H to come back when he don’t know. Your trying to make him come back when he don’t have all the facts. It’s like you want him to agree to this and then turn around and drop the bomb. That’s really going to mess with his mind.

Please get into IC. Fix yourself.

I would offer for you to look at how many times you said "I"....or "my husband".

You really need to look at HIS life right now, HIS happiness, HIS mental amd emotional health.

JW, first congrads on somewhat seeing the light. You have a ways to go, but given time and the right support, and a lot of work on your part; one day you can become a safe partner for that significant other in your future life.

EvolvingSoul covered a lot of what I was thinking, albeit from a Wayward’s POV, but I still would say very sound thinking and advice.

I am a BH, so I would like to give you insight on how your H is feeling from how I would have reacted. I hope in hearing this you will see where you stand. I’m not going to give you the pie in the sky hope, but I will say there is some possibility of getting back together…It’s just very remote. But here it goes.

A bit of history from you:

How did the A start? Meaning was it a COW, or a friend you knew, or had a past R with? Can you state how long did the EA develop to the point it becomes a PA? How did you make time for the AP, what time allotment with BH and/or family did you have to give up?

How were you able to hide the time with AP before you separated??? (I don’t know if you separated, but to hide an affair, and assuming your H doesn’t know, you have to account for your time.

Shopping, visiting w/ family or friend, etc.

You stated he didn’t know, don’t bet on that. He may not have confronted you but if it was me, the H starts to feel something isn’t right. After all it was he who asked to D.

At what point during the EA or PA did you withdrawal from your H? Did sex between you two diminish or stop? Did you become cold to him or picking fights over benign issues?

The reason for all the background questions is at some point I believe he would feel like he was going insane. Think of it as the Betrayed’s Fog. Deep down he knows something is wrong (his gut is screaming at him), but he doesn’t want to believe that he’s in an involuntary 3-way relationship.

It’s like you set-upped a boxing match with your BH and AP, but you H’s hands are tied behind his back and told to stand on one spot. Hell, he doesn’t even know he was in a fight. Did your H know the AP or had he met/introduced to him? (Expect extreme anger from him if he did).

Did you use your home for the A? Did you kids meet the AP? Also coffin nails for any return on getting back together, but can be overcome. Just don’t leave it out when you tell him about the A.

This last one is killer and from what you have stated IMO most damning. He gave you a chance to R, and you shit on it. First, you were still in a full-blown affair (visualize the “boxing match” stated above), and he had absolute zero chance of winning. Further it would have destroyed any confidence he had left in himself or self esteem.

He pondered on this for a long time or he’s still doing it. I can’t assume to speak or know what he’s thinking, but if it were me, I would be questioning what did I do to cause all this? This is assuming he truly didn’t know about your A

He will review in his head, “Things (the M) were going so good (or so I thought), and out of nowhere it suddenly went bad, what did I do wrong?” If I get in a new relationship; will it happen it again?

FWIW, I did R with my W. But if she had done what you had done; I would be in a different R or M right now. I just would have not taken that kind of abuse from her. Read the gist of the A in my bio, the only thing that save me other than catching her, was stating I was done. I wasn’t going to spend one more second in this. The affair fog for her cleared really quick, she knew I meant it.

You were either able to really compartmentalize the A extremely well, or he found out (didn’t say anything to you) and just divorced. Only he knows that tidbit.

IMO, losing your Plan B, may have knocked you off the fence. Now, no longer married, and he’s seeing someone serious; you had your Ah-Ha moment, he’s no longer available.

I would suggest writing out what you’re going to say to him. Don’t hold back the “little details” (i.e. he met/knew the AP, AP met the kids, you did use the house, and/or you had porn-star sex, etc.) that will be worse than not telling him at all. Take note, you don’t have to give all of that to him initially, just don’t lie by omission if or when he asks you. Whatever you do don’t make it his fault, by making excuses on the condition of the marriage. If the M wasn’t working, you could have let him know it wasn’t working out.

My gut says that wouldn’t be true, since you stated “he was a good guy”.

The bigger one, at some point (no matter what) you’re going to have to tell your kids. To state, you didn’t just cheat on your husband, you also stole time from your family. That’s truly going to be rough. They will eventually find out anyway, it’s best it comes from you first (Reminder, in an age-appropriate way).

BTW your first counselor sucked, you need someone to confront you and ensure you’re being honest with yourself. You didn’t need a cheerleader; it’s why I believed you were left “confused”. Your own conscience knew better even if you didn’t want to initially accept it. IMO, a bad therapist is worse than not going at all.

I know you didn’t want to hear a lot of this above. I believe right now you’re taking steps in being a better you. I wish you the best.

Maybe I missed it somwhere

Who filed for D and why?

Have you told him yet?

Joneswoman-

You are just starting your understanding of the true level of damage you caused all around. As you read, become introspective, and learn, you will understand even more, and it will hurt. It will, and rightfully so, humble you, and bring you to you knees. It should.

When I first starting posting here, I projected a lot on others, particularly WW. I still do on occasion, but I have learned from a select few WW that I respect, despite their atrocious actions, that a WW can be genuinely remorseful. So I am trying to change my tone. My gut reaction as a BH first, was to tear into you, as other posters here have done. Honestly? We both know you probably kind of deserve it. But truth is, a lot of what BS here say is true.

Of course they are projecting their own pain, but what they are saying is valid. What their WS did to them, what mine did to me, and what you did to your husband, is evil. Learn from their expression of pain what your actions have done. I won’t tear you down, because I have learned from this place. Your actions disgust me, but I will try not to be hurtful or rude to you because it will only raised your defenses instead of breaking your emotional barriers. I want to give you some anecdotal advice, opinions, and wisdom from a man who has been both a betrayed and a betrayer. I hope it gives you the tools to help yourself become a better person.

So to start- my take on your situation. You got involved in an affair, when conceivably, your marriage was ok. Maybe not awful, maybe not great, but decent. I don’t know your H personally, but the point is, regardless of whether he isn’t an asshole, or a great guy as you mentioned, your actions were unjustifiable. You need to soak that message into your very soul. Nothing he did, short of cheating on you, would warrant what you did to him.

As your Affair progressed, your attachment to your H warned, and your passion for the OM increased. Your H felt this but didn’t know why at first. You were out having passionate sex with AP while you denied your H. You were cold and distant, and in vain, your H was trying to fix it. Trying to make you happy, unbeknowst to him, that another man was getting filling his role. He was blindly searching for answers to the failing relationship.

Here is where you need to hear about what it’s like to be a Betrayed man, and probably a betrayed in general, but as a man I can tell you only my genders experience. What you did is disrespectful, humiliating, dishonoring, dishonest, and emasculating. We men tend to be quite territorial, and sleeping with another man hits us at the core of our manhood, and what we hold sacred. When I was betrayed, my rage and humiliation was so red hot and deep that I became a cheater myself.

In fact, I deferred a lot of my hatred and anger meant for my cheating wife, towards the other man. I was trying to protect my remaining love for my wife, so I took it out on the other man. And to be fair, he deserved it. He knew she was married to me, and still pursued. Took what was mine, and in my mind, and his, he won. I made him suffer dearly. I had revenge sex with his wife, and took her from him. I got him fired, and he now has a pretty serious crippling drug addiction. In all truth, he will likely die in the next 5 years if he doesn’t need get help, and I feel. Nothing. Not an ounce of of compassion for him. I do feel guilty for becoming a cheater myself and hurting my ex, but not the man that disrupted my life, my marriage, and my honor knowingly. That’s how deep this goes, so you know.

Candidly, I’d rather my wife have tried to kill me, than betray me with another man. And I mean that.

I tell you this so you can have a true appreciation for what a cheating wife does to her husbands heart and soul. It devastates is and can and often does turn us into primal competitive animal monsters. You gave away something that was not yours to give, it was the property of your marriage. And I am not saying this to hurt you, truly. I am saying this so you have an absolute understanding of the power you wield as a wife, and how gravely you mismanaged it. You will need to address this for your own healing and growth.

Which brings me to my next point. You never told your H you were cheating on him. You lied and denied, and ran from then truth. But maybe bet is that he knows. And it probably happened around the time you mentioned he was steadfast in wanting a divorce, and moved on to his upgraded relationship. The point at which he went from fighting to get close to you, to fighting to get far away from you, is When he confirmed it. Likely, he stopped trying to extract the honesty and confession from you, because he knows it was a moot point. But that doesn’t equate to him not knowing. He figured it out. And ran for the hills. And rightfully so. Don’t deceive yourself anymore. The secrets out. He just expected you to own it, and you never did.

So now, the relationship that was clinging to a life line, is drowned. But for all the hell you put him through, live doesn’t go away completely. You are right, he probably does love you somewhere inside. Hell, I still hold a little love in my heart for my cheating ex I left years ago. But that doesn’t mean he wants to be with you. It doesn’t even mean he wants to talk to you. And if I were counseling him, I’d tell him to hold the course, because moving on is what’s best for him. He’s detached from the emotionally abusive wife, and has a much better woman for him. A women’that doesn’t hurt him. One who’s love and loyalty he feels, a feeling he hasn’t had with you in years. I’d tell him to ride that wave out.

But simultaneously, you are recognizing quickly the mistake you made, and that maybe you have some Love for him left. Gently, that’s not enough for him to considers coming back. You left your AP, great. Because that’s good for you, he was probably toxic for you in the long run. But it’s came at the expense of your husbands love and honor. You didn’t respect your Husband, and He no longer respects you. If you want any chance of getting back together with him, you need to fix yourself first, and let go of the outcome. He is well within his rights to stay with His new woman if he is happy. Don’t ruin that for him. You need to address how, and why you lost attractions and respect for him. You need to figure out whats broken within you. And if he will let you, you need to be completely honest with your husband. Tell him everything, and expose yourself and fragility to him. Because that will give him the closure to what he already knows. Don’t minimize a damn thing. And it will be hard. You will feel shame and guilt. Having to disclose sordid sexual details will be hard for you. But your owe it to him. And litttle by little, taking ownership of your fuckups will bringing an ounce of respect back for you from him. None of this Ian guaranteed, but it’s the only way to move forward.

And finally, fin by some miracle, you do convince him to give you another chance, you must be prepared and healed enough to be stronger than you ever we’re as husband wife before. He will always have the hurt in his heart. He will always have an inkling of distrust, of anger, of sorrow. And he will let you know. Things may get better, but they will NEVER be what they were before you betrayed and humiliated him. In essence, you will need to prove to him for the rest of his natural life that you love him and respect him as number one. Because on his own, he will never feel like it. You must never protect or defend your AP. You’re husband may very well want his blood. I don’t blame him. Your husband may even do what I did and sleep with the OMs wife to get back at him. Can you handle the potential for the chaos? Can you weather the storms ahead? Can yu ensure that you will give yourself sexually and emotionally to you’re husband in a Way the AP never got? If you hesitant here, it will never work.

I am not telling you that’s there’s no chance. I am telling you that in his shoes, he better off staying away from you and moving on with someone better. You would have the burden of proving otherwise, and becoming that woman. And its not easy. The first step Is to stop trying to control Anything. Give him power and truth. Then work on yourself tirelessly. Finally, if by some grace of god, he takes you back, expect that it will never be the innocent love you once shared.

I really do wish you well, and i hope my post doesn’t offend you, because it’s the truth. Redeem yourself for you first and foremost, and let him be happy and free. If Its meant to be, it will happen after you become an authentic strong woman. If not, learn to move on.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 12:17 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

I think nicenomore meant NEVER protect your om.

And believe me that's super important. Your husband will absolutely hate this guy and if for a second he believes you want to protect this guy he will forever believe you still love this man and still hold a candle for him.

If you have fond memories of this ap , if you still think about him. If you daydream about him.... then you are not ready for reconciliation.... not by a long shot.

[This message edited by Adotta at 1:34 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]

Affairofpast-

The AP was a family friend. So yes, he knew our kids, and had been around them, but not without my husband's knowledge, because he was usually there with us at a birthday party or whatever. After we filed for D, and he openly started dating another woman, AP and I came out as if we also just started dating. I still never felt comfortable having him around my children. My H and AP work together. That is how we first met. They still do.

We had an EA for about 2 months before it became PA. At the time I was doing an out of town apprenticeship that required me to be on call, so I was able to go out of town and meet up with AP. We hooked up 2 or 3 times a month for about a year, until BH decided to move out and file for divorce. Everytime I was with AP, BH thought I was at "school."

I immediately withdrew from BH when the A started. I absolutely could not sleep with 2 men at the same time. I was also emotionally unavailable and became very depressed. I was never mean or cold directly towards my BH (except for the A obviously), but I was not trying to make him hate me or want to leave. I wanted to end things very early on, but I was too scared he would hate me, and never forgive me. I understand now I made things so much worse by hanging on.

Yes, I stated he didn't "know" but I really think he does. There were a lot of red flags. With all the advice I've gotten here, I am going to heavily consider telling him the truth soon. This is a new idea to me. I have been assuming it would be better not to hurt him any further if we aren't going to be together in the long run. I guess I need to reevaluate all that now though.

Affairofpast-

The AP was a family friend. So yes, he knew our kids, and had been around them, but not without my husband's knowledge, because he was usually there with us at a birthday party or whatever. After we filed for D, and he openly started dating another woman, AP and I came out as if we also just started dating. I still never felt comfortable having him around my children. My H and AP work together. That is how we first met. They still do.

We had an EA for about 2 months before it became PA. At the time I was doing an out of town apprenticeship that required me to be on call, so I was able to go out of town and meet up with AP. We hooked up 2 or 3 times a month for about a year, until BH decided to move out and file for divorce. Everytime I was with AP, BH thought I was at "school."

I immediately withdrew from BH when the A started. I absolutely could not sleep with 2 men at the same time. I was also emotionally unavailable and became very depressed. I was never mean or cold directly towards my BH (except for the A obviously), but I was not trying to make him hate me or want to leave. I wanted to end things very early on, but I was too scared he would hate me, and never forgive me. I understand now I made things so much worse by hanging on.

Yes, I stated he didn't "know" but I really think he does. There were a lot of red flags. With all the advice I've gotten here, I am going to heavily consider telling him the truth soon. This is a new idea to me. I have been assuming it would be better not to hurt him any further if we aren't going to be together in the long run. I guess I need to reevaluate all that now though.

Affairofpast-

The AP was a family friend. So yes, he knew our kids, and had been around them, but not without my husband's knowledge, because he was usually there with us at a birthday party or whatever. After we filed for D, and he openly started dating another woman, AP and I came out as if we also just started dating. I still never felt comfortable having him around my children. My H and AP work together. That is how we first met. They still do.

We had an EA for about 2 months before it became PA. At the time I was doing an out of town apprenticeship that required me to be on call, so I was able to go out of town and meet up with AP. We hooked up 2 or 3 times a month for about a year, until BH decided to move out and file for divorce. Everytime I was with AP, BH thought I was at "school."

I immediately withdrew from BH when the A started. I absolutely could not sleep with 2 men at the same time. I was also emotionally unavailable and became very depressed. I was never mean or cold directly towards my BH (except for the A obviously), but I was not trying to make him hate me or want to leave. I wanted to end things very early on, but I was too scared he would hate me, and never forgive me. I understand now I made things so much worse by hanging on.

Yes, I stated he didn't "know" but I really think he does. There were a lot of red flags. With all the advice I've gotten here, I am going to heavily consider telling him the truth soon. This is a new idea to me. I have been assuming it would be better not to hurt him any further if we aren't going to be together in the long run. I guess I need to reevaluate all that now though.

Adotta-

I am fully prepared to drop AP. I did break it off with him (over a) week ago, but I we still have a few ties I am trying to take care of. I am thinking another week or 2 and I can completely cut contact. I care about AP still, yes, but I do not want to be with him. I want my marriage more than anything, and I recognize I will probably have to do some drastic things to prove that if my BH would ever give me another chance. Of course I have good memories with AP. If it was all bad, I wouldn't have done it, right? I am certainly not daydreaming about him though, and holding hope that we can be together again if things don't pan out with BH. I want to be done with that part of my life. I am committed to ending that relationship for good.

I do want to come clean. I just don't think this is the best time. He is currently trying to move on. He doesn't even want anything to do with me. And if he never does, what is the point of admitting it and causing him and I more pain? I feel like it would only be necessary if we were actually both interested in working on our marriage/relationship again. I also think it is too new that I broke up with my AP. I am hoping that my husband needs some time to see that I am serious about not wanting to be with AP, and then he will come around to considering working on us again. Am I way off?

Gently here: It appears that you are just coming out at the edge of the fog. Everything that has been written so far is about what you want.

As some here have mentioned, your husband probably knows but doesnt have concrete evidence of you affair. your original marriage didnt stand a chance once the third party (AP) entered bc your husband had no idea of why things were falling apart. One of the key steps in problem solving is identifying the problem. There was something wrong in your marriage and he possibly couldnt quite put his finger on it...now that you are divorced, your fairy tale has ended and he is starting anew. That can make anyone feel some kind of way, looking at your true love grow with someone else while your feelings for AP changed.

As for your question of telling your husband....It is never a good time to find out you significant other had a affair. The fact that your BH worked with AP will be tough. Like another poster has said, work on being a better you and if at some point in the near future when you have your "whys?" and can answer him honestly and openly, you can tell him and see if/how he responds. he may not care at all or he may still wonder why you guys didnt work out. If he still loves you like you say, he will want to know as it will give him closure... depends on the man. but IMHO, I believe he is at least owed the truth esp if you are co-parenting. Having an authentic relationship, for the sake of your children, even if apart, begins with trust and respect. You can only get that by being honest and truthful.

I applaud you for beginning your journey and hope that you will continue on growing and being the best authentic you possible.

nicenomore-

Thank you for your perspective. That was incredibly hard for me to read. Hits me very deep. You're right, I am just starting to understand the damage I've caused, and it makes me hate myself so much. Though I know it won't be productive to wallow in my shame & guilt for long. I feel very remorseful, and I just want to prepare myself to be fix whatever is wrong with me that led me to make such horrible decisions. I want to be me again. These last 2 years are definitely out of character compared to the rest of my life. I will not stay here. I will grow and find myself again, and hopefully my husband will be able to forgive me someday. He does deserve better. You're right. I wish I could go back and change everything. It was not worth it in any way.

I see how selfish I sound. Thank you for pointing that out. I do want to see my BH happy. I will try to shift my focus to not thinking about me so much. I think I am just so scared because emotions are so high right now, and my plans are all up in the air again. When I was still with AP, at least I knew I could count on him to be there for me. I have nobody now. It is hard reality to face being alone. I will endure this hardship though. I know it is necessary for healing.