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She would come home and kiss me and the kids the same day she had him in her mouth.

That's it. That's exactly it.

3 year LTA. My WH had a 3 year LTA. 3. F***ing. Years.

Yeah. Then there is that. I've never felt pain so deep. I've never felt trauma so bad. I've never hurt so much.

But I do keep going. I keep on keeping on. And the only thing that's changed is I know I'm bad a** when I do. I'm the warrior walking through the fire. I'm the sparkly unicorn goddess. So this happened to me. But what I do with myself is up to me. I'm attempting R. Recently I've changed to In R. But there is no time limit on R. I can take my time to figure it all out. There is no rush. None. This will be on my time. And I will take all the time I need to figure it out.

Chaos

You said:

But I do keep going. I keep on keeping on. And the only thing that's changed is I know I'm bad a** when I do. I'm the warrior walking through the fire. I'm the sparkly unicorn goddess.

Thank you, you bad a** Keep on keeping on is what I shall do....

Sisoon:

Personally, once it gets to a romantic kiss, it's betrayal. After that, it gets 'worse', but not materially so. Other people have different opinions on this. You get to choose how you deal with her sexual activity with om

Wanted to comment on several points. I think it gets materially worse. And the problem is that you have to deal not only with "her sexual activity with OM", but also with your participation in this. Just as STBXH said - she came home and kissed him and kids. I also know that there was a chance I performed oral on her after she fucked with him unprotected and he finished inside. There's fucking possibility (not a huge one, but that is quite small comfort) that I licked her c##t while his semen was still dripping from it!!!!

It would probably be easier, if everything WW did with her APs didn't include me, but it fucking DID! So it is quite different from analogy of WW having sex before we met.

How do I cope with it? I probably learned to compartmentalize my pain and anger. I'm angry at her "in the past". When my mind starts to wander and I remember all these sick things, I get filled with hate. I hate so much, her, in the past. I express it to her. When I think about her, getting a "call to work" in a middle of the night, getting up from our bed and leaving, I imagine how at that exact moment full knowledge of what she's doing, all the anger, all the pain and hate and disgust hits me, and I imagine how unable to contain it physically I hit her and push her down the stairs. I tell her that I'm fully aware that she is the same person, but if I allowed this hate to be directed at her now, then there won't be any future for us, under no circumstances.

I'm able to keep such thoughts out during sex. I can perform oral. There's always something trying to enter my mind, but I'm somehow able to dismiss such thoughts quite quickly.

To add to the post above: I think, the biggest thing that helps me to cope is venting these feelings to WW. Venting it anywhere else doesn't work.

Darkhole, brother, you nailed it on the head. I have such rage sometimes and I have no place to put it. My WW is doing the hard work to be able to accept my rage and hate over this A (and all the very REAL and POSSIBLE circumstances you mentioned.) I'm fucking sick as I write this. But because she is the wayward and an avoider she doesn't quite know how to take my anger.

What you mentioned in your post is the kinda shit that makes me want to throw in the towel. She never gave me the chance to make a decision to stop having sex with her while she did those things with him.

And yes Sisoon is wrong on his post (sorry Sis!) It is categorically worse after a kiss. The betrayal becomes increasingly cruel as sexual acting out increases.

But because she is the wayward and an avoider she doesn't quite know how to take my anger.

Mine just cries and holds me.

There were some instances when we were talking something A-related and I told her "that was because you fucked with AP" ("fuck" in this case "impersonating" whole affair, not only sexual acts, don't remember context or exact words, it doesn't really matter), and she replied with "You don't have to remind me every time, I'm thinking about it nonstop, I know I fucked them, etc. blah blah blah". I replied that next time she reacts like this I'll have recording of her with AP3 playing on a home stereo. To show what movies I'm having nonstop.

Does venting help you?

The only thing worse than have it being a possibility that you had oral sex with her while his sperm was there, is knowing that you did.

It was something that ultimately couldn't cope with. The thoughts never left me even though I never did oral with her again, (with the exception of one time as a test and almost threw up in my mouth.)

I wish someone could have given me a way to cope. I just think for me there was none.

It is good that you are still searching though. I hope you find an answer.

Dark, yes venting helps me. But she doesn’t have the skill set (yet, she’s in IC learning) to allow me to vent or to show real remorse. What I understand is that she is so ashamed that she checks out emotionally. I don’t quite buy that but I can’t force someone to emote.

Waited, my friend I commend you for getting out of that situation. It’s shameful she stepped on your manhood like that. I’m a bit stuck as I’m not quite ready to leave my children. They actually need me more than ever as they know there is a tremendous amount of tension between my WW and I. And my salary cannot support my family and a place for me to stay. It’s all a mess. I can only believe God has trapped me here to face it head on. I’m just trying to figure out a way to live with this A.

I’m fucking depressed. I really miss the marriage I thought we had. I miss the feeling of being the luckiest man in the world. This is really a lonely feeling.

I’m a bit stuck as I’m not quite ready to leave my children. They actually need me more than ever as they know there is a tremendous amount of tension between my WW and I. And my salary cannot support my family and a place for me to stay. It’s all a mess.

Just make sure your WW doesn't know this. I'm sorry you are in a such state :(

I could support myself and kids and even pay CS to WW should we D, but several factors led me to giving her last chance - first, she surprised me with remorse, I was not ready for this, even after D papers were on the table I was sure she'll never feel it (well, I'm still not sure if it is genuine, maybe in 10 years...). Second, the knowledge that I can walk away.

I hope your WW feels real remorse and learns empathy. I suspect that showing consequences of their actions actually works well in this regard.

I'm sucking in all the pain and feeling it quite vigorously. I face everything in my life head on. I just was hoping that after 15 years of marriage this "problem" wasn't going to pop up. I just wasn't prepared and I'm learning how to cope as I go along.

That is the path to healing. It's a very unpleasant (to say the least) path, but you end up in a good place. And there's no way to prepare for it, so it's improvisation all the way....

I want to expand on my 'not materially worse' proposition.well ... I drafted something, and in reading it back I realized I was defining other people's pain for them. But I can't possibly read anyone's mind except my own. I apologize.

Sisoon , thanks for that. You’re definitely one of the wise leaders here. Keep at it please.

STBXH,

I am so sorry for your pain, mind movies...I have no great insight r words of wisdom sadly, but maybe small consolation that others are waging the same battles. I am a genuinely happy person and was very happy before dday...I still am on the outside, what I project to others, but what simmers inside is different. Rage and pain the likes of which I have never before known.

My WH had 4 LTA, totalling 5ish years of our marriage (over a 12 years span). He and his APs did it all with lots and lots of oral, being inside her (no protection), her sitting on his face...I get your pain. The mind movies are awful. By my calculations, averaging twice a week for 5 years...well, it's a lot to fucking process and move past.

I echo what you say with the specialness now being gone and quite honestly, though we are in R, I don't think whatever we manage to build will ever be special again. It will always be tainted by his selfishness, his lies and his betrayals. The problem is, if I leave, I destroy my family, cause pain to my children and for what? I am not under the illusion that I suddenly experience happiness with his absence! He has very much stolen my sense of goodness in people, in the truth and honesty of a M, that vows said in front of family, friends and God mean anything. Nothing is special anymore, as the infidelity walks beside me all the time.

I am sorry you are here. One foot in front of the other and remember that you have the power to decide what you need to continue to move forward with her, on your timelines.

Hope,

Thank you for such a beautifully worded reply. My brain is so frazzled at times that what I’m trying to say doesn’t always make sense. You summed up my feelings PERFECTLY! Thank you for these encouraging words. One foot in front of the other...

Hi STBXH

WS here. I thought I'd extend my warm greetings and a big bro hug.

I'm taken by your candor and clarity of thought. Your story really has me thinking about monogamy. And trust.

I've been M 30 years. I was extremely wayward in my behavior. Really bad. I get where your W was.

About all I can offer is to know that you've been heard and I encourage you to really grieve the M that was. Really grieve it. While your M will continue in theory it's really a new M. It's not the old M. So what will the new M look like. You don't know that.

Eventually I pulled my head out of my ass and am back to my W. She is kind and wonderful. I'm grateful my AP is in the rear view mirror. A's are so full of lies.

During my A I thought long and hard about your point of being "one" with my BS. I had it all compartmentalized that we are mostly one with our spouse but we all have those parts of our lives we don't share. That part of my life really spiraled during my A.

I personally find value in organized religion. I find real value in acknowledging myself as a sinner and learning about redemption. I sing Amazing Grace to myself knowing that in theory any wretch can be saved.

Lucky77,

Thanks brother. I’m happy to hear you’re on the right track. I’m not in a good place with God right now. I’m having trouble realizing his will. I hope you find healing and redemption thru this rough time. As for me, I’m waiting to see what God has planned for me. This is the one way out of a marriage if we are to follow scripture. Not sure if he is trying to get me out of this marriage or not. I suppose I’m in a holding pattern until it’s revealed. Stay faithful bro. The damage caused by adultery is far greater than most waywards will ever know.

STBXH, I was angry at God for quite a while. I'm a born again Christian. I knew God doesn't interfere in real life. He's not the grand puppet master. Free will. I'm past that now and I thank God for that.

I was a lazy Christian. Prayed a lot but didn't read scripture much. Was very involved in the business side of my church but passive in the scriptural/worship side, etc. If there's a positive from the trauma of adultery it's that I'm becoming more active and open as a Christian. This has been a recent development.

The damage caused by adultery is far greater than most waywards will ever know.

This is so true. The remorseful WS, those that fully commit to R, those that "get it" have an inkling of this. There are those on SI who show this. IMO, though, they will never really know the full extent. I think the only way would be for them to suffer the same betrayal and see the far reaching and internal effects. I pray they never experience that.

Those that continue in their wayward ways, run away, minimize, justify, gaslight I could care less about. Very unchristian of me. I should be praying for them but I don't.