SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That was to a very negative person that as you can see has his comments deleted because he said some very nasty comments i will not repeat

Again...someone else's fault for your poor behavior.

As a side note...He didn't have his comments deleted...he deleted them himself.

You have given here so many excuses, so many why my situation is different, so many it's not fair that it's happening to me, although I did the same thing to someone else ...it's clear that your thought process is hung up on your ego and the victim mentality. The only thing that will help you at this time...or at the least get you going in the direction of healthy is a really, really good therapist.

Kelsz - no one here is going to give you high fives for being an OW. No one is going to let you get away with minimizing your actions.

If you aren't able to accept the advice and comments that the BS's are giving on this forum, then - since you were an OW - check with a mod about posting in the Wayward forum behind a stop sign. If you are allowed to do that, then the only replies you receive will be from other WS.

They won't be all touchy-feely either though. They will try to help you to fix yourself.

If you read through Rockstardad's thread, you would see he's a really good man, was a good husband,and is an amazing father.

Most people on this site would consider you a cheater. An OW, who knowingly participates in the destruction of a family is a cheater. Not all AP's are married. Single, or not, an AP is a cheater.

You say you accept your responsibility, yet you go on to justify your actions. You don't know anything about your husband's former marriage. You only know what he told you. And you also know he's a lying cheater. So your opinion of his marriage,and his ex wife, is based on the word of a lying liar.

How should you go forward. Accept the divorce, pray his new OW is kind to your baby, get IC so you can be a good,healthy person,and someone your children can look up to. And never again be an OW. Choose better for yourself.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:14 AM, May 9th (Wednesday)]

What can this group do to help you Kelsz?

I think you have several different pieces of your story that need addressing. The recommendation from DeadMum to post in Wayward might be a great place for you. There are several people there who are Madhatters or dealing with pregnancies.

Not justifying my actions but their marriage had been over long before I came in the picture

You only know of his marriage what he told you, and it's a cinch that he didn't tell you the truth, just like he's not telling his current affair partner the truth. My now-ex told ALL of his affair partners we "never" had sex, slept in separate rooms, etc. None of that was true AT ALL. It's part of the hook a manipulative person uses to get attention and ego kibbles. It's the same MO he's using with his affair partner now. You wouldn't recognize the marriage as he is describing it to her, just like his now-ex wouldn't have recognized the marriage he was describing to you.

Their marriage was only a few years in and they did not have a wedding nor did anyone in his family accept their marriage so their issues stemmed before me.

It doesn't matter if they didn't have a wedding--they were MARRIED. It didn't matter if their families didn't like the marriage--they were MARRIED.

Please stop minimizing what you did. You inserted yourself into someone's marriage and contributed greatly to its demise and to a life-altering event for two young children.

That's not a nice thing. It's something you need to own. Owning it = accepting responsibility for being an OW. No one forced you to do this. You could have told him to call you when he was wholly single. Or you could have refused to date him at all or have an affair (emotional OR physical) with him. But you didn't. This is the choice we're all asking you to own. Stop blaming the marriage for your decision to participate.

What do you do to move forward? You file for divorce now and child support when the child is born. You figure out how to live life as a single parent and you get into IC so that you can get perspective on this and move forward as a healthy person.

And heed the poster who said that the way your husband behaved to his now-ex is going to be mirrored in the way he behaves with you. So if he bailed on child support or played games of that nature, he's likely to do that with you as well.

Cat

You made a bad choice some time ago but you are not a bad person. Your husband on the other hand...

HOw is her husband different than her?

Yes, you are human and you have feelings. What you have to accept is that what you though was so special really wasn't. Your WH has a pattern, when he becomes dissatisfied he finds a replacement for his current partner. Is he still trying to get custody of his children?

I do hope you see an attorney.

you will need some help from the father.

he should be paying some expenses for his child.

Sorry that you are going thru a rough time.

First of all... y’all didn’t see the vulgar things someone write in here. It was verbally abusive and graphic. There was name calling, insinuations and hope of her going to hell and rotting and dying painfully so... yeah... you’re all defending that kind of abuse right now. You know rockstars story of what HE told you. Remember there’s always two sides. If he was talking like that to his wife, I agree... that’s likely why she left. It was disgusting to read and and actually a little scarey. Isn’t he a cop? So say whatever ya want but defending what was said when you didn’t read it bc kelsz made her (first) post and didn’t put it in the proper forum and made a bad choice doesn’t warrant abuse from an internet bully with web muscles. No one is perfect. Kelsz married a man that she trusted. Was that a mistake? Yes. Does she see that now? I think so. He’s now walked out on two wives. One with two children that Kelsz has loved and now another that is pregnant. Most wayward that show remorse can still go forward and be a good person. Others that continuously spiral and cause destruction where ever they go with out feeling a bit of anguish are sincerely sick and not good in their heart. This post was Kelsz opening up and owning her faults. I’m not saying it’s all better but man... comments like you’s are all attacking her with will only make things worse for her when she’s already stumbling. Offering sincere advice is one thing but just bc your spouses cheated on you, it doesn’t give you the right to attack someone else. Sheesh.

And my reply is only directed at the bs’s that are on attack mode. Those that are offering advice sincerely without intent to hurt, I applaud. If you don’t have anything beneficial to say, maybe just don’t say anything.

This post was Kelsz opening up and owning her faults.

She has not "owned" anything. That is why the reactions are what they are.

I definitely feel for the children involved. this cluster started with the selfish, inconsiderate, mean, vicious actions of two people who decided what they wanted was more important than the children.

THEN they carried on...rubbing it in his Betrayed wive's face for years.

It's nice that you're defending her. However, being new here,and only five months past your own dday, maybe instead of scolding the betrayed spouses here, if you feel lines have been crossed, tell a mod.

Just because I’m new here doesn’t mean I can’t stand up for what I believe to be right. How do you know I didn’t tell a mod? What does my d day have to do with standing up against verbal abuse? Are there rules some where that state you must be post d day for a certain amount of time before you call out internet bullying? Or is there a rule some where that states that if you’re a BS you’re allowed to go on to a wayward post and attack them? Maybe I misread somewhere.

If you had told a mod, and they saw a violation, they would have posted on this thread a reminder of the guidelines.

My point about you being new was simply meant that you have a lot on your plate to deal with,and perhaps your focus should be on repairing the dangerous you've done to your marriage,and your husband,and yourself, rather than scold the members here.

If you see internet bullying..report it. The mods do an excellent job here.

I do appreciate that you're calling the OP a wayward. Especially since she is saying she's not a cheater.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:43 PM, May 9th (Wednesday)]

I hesitated at first to post, because I was so repulsed at first at how you minimized being the other woman and were quick to blame the breakdown of his first marriage on his first wife, all while smugly talking yourself up to have done everything right with him. However, I think you have one thing right -- this is your karma. Karma is a Buddhist idea, and accordingly, it works to your advantage, too! It's called planting the seed to the fruit you wish to see.

So while you are reaping in whatever "bad" karma you are currently suffering through, you always have the chance to plant new seeds for "good" karma to enjoy later in life. Always take the chance for good karma. For you to do that you have to recognize which seeds are the ones you most want to plant. Perhaps you didn't (maybe still have not) recognize that having an affair with a married man is part of planting those ill advised seeds. That is important to learn in order to go forward to recognize what changes you need to make in order to recognize the "good seeds."

The number four rule,under the guidelines states that you shouldn't call another member out.

Number eleven states that if you feel something is against the guidelines, to notify staff.

Oh,and before you point it out..yes. there's a guideline about deleting posts,and yes, I see that was violated on here.

Well a Mod was told which is probably why his post are gone along with his vulgar private message i was sent. But everyone is entitled to their opinion. I accept peoples opinion but maybe the title of my post was missed along with comments inside my post where I definitely admitted my wrong doings. These are not excuses. And i came for advice, not bitter scorn bashing because of peoples feelings. Telling me I deserved it is fine but thats also like telling someone their feeling and opinion does not matter which im sure many of you would not feel is true about their own opinions. I posted in the “General” group because its a matter of opinion on where it should have been posted and mine was not the other groups. I can understand other BS bitterness toward the situation and before I became whats labeled “the OW” i knew it was wrong, but also still never judged people for it because love is something that cant be controlled and i made the mistake of falling in love with an already taken man but talking about my past transgressions of 5 years ago doese not control whats happening at this moment. I mean if you dont have advice why are some of you here? Dont think “trying” to make someone feel less than they already may does not make you a better person.

still never judged people for it because love is something that cant be controlled

he now loves the new OW.

File for divorce. Child support and get in IC to deal with the end of your marriage.

There isnt much more you can do. He fell in love with someone else...that is your "right now"

Love is a choice. Love is cultivated. If you feel like you fell in love with the married man that you cheated with then became his wife and subsequently got cheated on, it is because you chose to cultivate the feelings. You had a choice to say, feelings are starting to brew, and he is married, and I should step away (not taking away from the option to start anything up when he is actually single), but you made a choice to continue to cultivate those feelings and start an illicit affair. That is the seed you chose to plant -- a seed made of betrayal and dishonesty and hurt. You need to understand that in order to move forward. Otherwise you will simply feel like a victim, and you aren't actually "owning it."

So, yes. Your karma. But, again, drawing from the Buddhist theories behind karma, you need to understand your mistakes in order to learn from it and make better choices, and develop better dharma for the karma you want to see in the future.

love is something that cant be controlled

Apply this logic to your WH. Look at what has occurred. He is on his 3rd woman in a 5 year period.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 1:12 PM, May 9th (Wednesday)]